Expanding

Some of you may already know that since I was 15 I could count on two hands the number of months I had been single (I am 30 now). I am going on month number 11 now and I don't feel anywhere near being ready to date, but I have a strong desire to be in a relationship.

I think this is what I used to feel and what caused me to hop from one person to the next. I don't want to go out and find another person just to fill a hole that is clearly inside of myself, but seeing how many people are coupled up makes me feel a couple things...

What is so wrong with me that I don't feel comfortable being in a relationship right now?

Is EVERYONE in a relationship? Where the heck are all the single people? Maybe I am not alone in this compulsion to be in a relationship

Why are the single people I have met either just out of a relationship or throw up red flags immediately?

Will I be too judgy or picky?

I don't want to end up with someone who values me for my looks, but isn't that the initial part of an attraction? I need to admit that I don't know how else to build an attraction with someone, is it always physical first?

I am hating this pressure I am feeling, both internal and external. I don't think I know more than 5 single people right now... what the heck... it makes me feel like I am some kind of alien for wanting to be alone. I am even being told that wanting to be alone is UNhealthy.... although when I mine the source this is coming from someone who hasn't been single since she was 15 and has been divorced by age 25. Ugh. I just get this feeling that I am being looked down upon for not only being single but WANTING to be single, even if I am fighting this old pattern and urge to "get a boyfriend".

I am so bad with this that I could probably walk into a local Target and walk out with a boyfriend. I would settle for anyone that I thought was cute and gave me attention. I don't want to be this person anymore that needs someone to be with.

I want to make myself accountable and share because I am so clearly not ready and don't want to get involved with someone for the wrong reasons. I just feel like some kind of pariah.. and I don't want to go along with it because a lot of these dynamics and thoughts from others ring as codependent to me... and it's seen as socially acceptable. So in other words... my exA who found another could be seen as better adjusted than I, who is trying to heal my childhood wounds and become happy BEFORE entering a relationship (instead of using that relationship to make me happy).

It all just seems so backwards to me

Eauchiche

Dear Expanding
Perhaps you need to be alone for a while and work on you? It would be a good opportunity to get your "picking" machinery fixed, then perhaps you would be attracted to someone who is healthy.

There are a LOT of single people out there. Don't envy folks who are with someone. You never know if it is a good relationship or not. If, not, then you already have known the hell of it.

Hang in there, and thanks for sharing!!!

amy55

Ummm, this is a totally new area for me also. It's not so much of feeling dependent on someone else, it's more about moving on and liking and loving being alone. I really do feel that you need to feel comfortable with yourself alone before being with someone.

I think when you said "judgy" or "picky", I think you might have been talking about what you perceive to others opinions of you. I always think that we are the hardest on ourselves.


Idk, I divorced 12/2010. It took me this long to think or even imagine that I could be and I actually am OK with just me. I think that is the greatest gift to give to yourself is to like yourself, love yourself.

It's good to talk about these things, because I think so many times we think things but we don't post them.

I think it's a good idea to just be you, learn about you, your likes, your dislikes, and get to like yourself, love yourself.

I think that is sometimes a foreign concept, but I am trying to do that right now. I want to know me. I want to know the real me. I don't want to know that pretend me, that tried to be perfect or ok for someone else. I want to know what it is like to be "me".

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy

AnvilheadII

you seem to be looking OUTSIDE for cues to what your INSIDES should look like. worried way too much about what others think - or more likely what you think others think.

you are FINE as is. you don't need to do any one thing to be acceptable. single is not a death sentence. being in a relationship is not the prize. you are uncomfortable because you are not used to being around YOU.

now is the time to become your own best friend. learn to get comfortable in your own skin. shuttle the concerns of what others think. here's a big hint......and it might sting.....people are not losing sleep over YOUR relationship status. we really are not that important. everyone is busy with their own lives.

you have exactly ONE set of standards to live up to.....your own. you are ok. you are exactly where you are supposed to be, right now. you are not defective, or bad, or less than.

teatreeoil007

My take. Perhaps you are worrying too much about relationships with others....and also worry about how you are perceived by others. The most important relationship to have is a good with yourself...but I'm betting you already know that.

So, here's something to think about: If your primary "feel good" moments depend upon other people, that reflect's your "addiction" to people/relationships. Just as it's hard for addicts to quit their drug of choice, it's hard for co-dependents to quit their former/current person of choice.

Also, you seem to be comparing yourself to your ex and what good does that do you? So, try to refrain from doing so. Letting go of someone who is not good for us also means letting go of comparisons, etc. Here's what's likely to happen when you compare: You will feel bad if the ex has a new girlfriend. But, you also might feel bad if you find out your ex is in a bad way...you might even feel guilty for that even though it wouldn't be your fault...such is how it is when we hear 'news' on a ex we haven't healed from yet.

I urge you to try get 'being in a relationship' out of your mind and try not to focus on that. FWIW

LexieCat

Well, you could do what I did. I put myself on "indefinite relationship hiatus"--I simply decided that, however I felt, I was taking a good long break from relationships until I felt comfortable with me again.

And guess what--I learned to LOVE being on my own. I'll never say never, but I cannot even fathom how wonderful somebody would have to be to get me to give up my independence.

I was just like you, bouncing from one relationship to the next. No sooner out of one than lining up the next.

If you make it a conscious CHOICE to be alone for a while, you don't have to have all this angst. Think of it as an experiment, if you want.

Oh, and BTW, you'd be surprised how often coupled-up people envy the single. Maybe they love their partners, or are, themselves, afraid of being alone, but trust me, they often wish they were free.

healthyagain

This caught my eye. Why do you think there is something wrong if you do not feel comfortable being in a relationship right now? If you do not feel comfortable, you do not feel comfortable, and then you do not get into a relationship.

And as others say, how do you know that other people are happy in their relationships? To be honest, I think there is actually a codependency epidemics. It is like when you see people in their 30s and 40s acting like teenagers when it comes to being in a relationship, as it is some kind of must, as if you are not worth enough if not having a boyfriend or a girlfriend, because there is this social pressure.

But it is ok to be single. How exactly being in a relationship makes you better than people who are single?

I really do not know. I am so possessive of my single life now, and my free time, an my routine, that I really do not want anyone ruin it.

You must discover who you are and start loving yourself in order to be able to give healthy love and stay who you are. It is said that we codependents want to change people. But you know what? We are the ones who change and sacrifice for someone who does not deserve it.

Bekindalways

Interesting thoughts here on being single or in a relationship.

I'm super impressed that after so much time as part of a couple, you have the gumption to do the single thing for awhile. Wow! I heard something on the radio today, "Blessing lie outside of your comfort zone." This probably isn't strictly true but I do hope you find some blessings in being single.

I agree with what the others have said about not worrying about what others think . However this is much, much, MUCH more easily said than done. You are probably going through an entire identity change right now so give yourself time and feel whatever you feel.

I myself have never married and have been single since I was 25. I am now 53. Fortunately I come from a culture that values being single which does help. I can't say I love it but I have come to accept this is the life for me and there are indeed perks to it: I've learned a second language, traveled the world, developed close relationships with my nieces and nephews and many other things that would have not been possible if I had married.

. . . hmmm . . .I suppose getting out of my comfort zone would mean actually going on a date!!! . . . nope, not for me . . . after hearing the quote on the radio, I went for an hour long run on a mountain trail that I had never been on. It was lovely.

Hang tough Expanding, you are working miracles in your own soul!

FireSprite

Of course it does, it's the opposite of everything you've ever known/done....... if it felt "normal" then that would mean that nothing had changed & nothing was going to change.

Wanting to be single to deal with your already-full-plate of issues seems really smart to me Expanding; at this stage my head was so full there wasn't really ROOM for anyone/thing else.

Except..... to overthink things, kinda like you're doing here. Baby steps girlfriend, baby steps - like anvil said you can't be worried about finding your internal validation from external sources.

Think of it like this - when this all happened for you this time around, you questioned everything about how you were built & said "this has to go - I need to change too" and in an abstract way, you tore your Self down to it's Foundation so that you can rebuild.

First you need to finish the demolition, right? Haul away the trash & make sure there are no cracks in the underlying foundation itself - shoring up any cracks or pouring new concrete if necessary. Then you can start building up & out, right? You wouldn't start building the back deck at this point because it could never work - to me, thinking about being in a relationship before I feel like a whole person again was setting myself up for the same kind of failure. I mean that this even applies to my marriage too - I had to go through all of this for ME before I could make a decision about whether I loved or was IN love with RAH at all. (and to be fair, he needed to get & stay sober & figure who in the heck he even WAS.)

BDG4488

I, too, am single by choice. I've discovered that being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. I am never lonely. I've come to enjoy the solitude and have no desire to become involved in another relationship for the foreseeable future. At first I was concerned about society's expectations, but I have since realized that my friends and family understand me and don't question my desire for solitude. For others, I simply brush off any questions about relationship status by saying that I'm enjoying the single life or there's "nothing serious." I no longer feel the need to define myself by society's outdated standards. If you can get to that point, everything becomes a lot less complicated

LexieCat

Foundation analogies these days give me the creeps.

FireSprite

honeypig

Expanding, I think the Universe is listening to you again...go check out today's post on the "Today's Hope" thread when you get a chance.