Lack of support from friends
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 155
Lack of support from friends
I haven't told many people just my close friends that I moved out of my XAB's house. But the ones I've told I feel like have not been very supportive. I get a lot of comments like, "it wasn't that bad" or "I feel sorry for him".
I guess I can't expect everyone to understand the situation it just makes me so angry and feel so lonely. Its a complicated issue and its not like I've been posting his secret drinking binges on Facebook the past 6 months! So its all out of the blue for them. I understand that.
It just hurts when I feel like friends take his side, when I know thats how he feels. Hes said he feels like I'm "kicking him when he is down" even though he blamed me for his drinking. And when I hear my friends say that they feel sorry for HIM it just blows my mind! And then they'll say, "But I guess you made your decision and you seem happy." Yeah I am happy gee thanks. (I'm not happy im still in SHOCK of leaving a guy I thought I would be with for the rest of my life!!!!!!!!)
The only friend who is there for me 100% is the one who grew up in an alcoholic household. So it must just be ignorance to how alcoholism effects a person deeply and for a lifetime.
I'm grateful for my family's support and this board's support.
I just feel so gutted when a friend acts like me and the XAB just got in a fight that can be resolved. Its like my XAB blaming me all over again for his drinking and calling me "nasty" for moving out on him.
I guess I can't expect everyone to understand the situation it just makes me so angry and feel so lonely. Its a complicated issue and its not like I've been posting his secret drinking binges on Facebook the past 6 months! So its all out of the blue for them. I understand that.
It just hurts when I feel like friends take his side, when I know thats how he feels. Hes said he feels like I'm "kicking him when he is down" even though he blamed me for his drinking. And when I hear my friends say that they feel sorry for HIM it just blows my mind! And then they'll say, "But I guess you made your decision and you seem happy." Yeah I am happy gee thanks. (I'm not happy im still in SHOCK of leaving a guy I thought I would be with for the rest of my life!!!!!!!!)
The only friend who is there for me 100% is the one who grew up in an alcoholic household. So it must just be ignorance to how alcoholism effects a person deeply and for a lifetime.
I'm grateful for my family's support and this board's support.
I just feel so gutted when a friend acts like me and the XAB just got in a fight that can be resolved. Its like my XAB blaming me all over again for his drinking and calling me "nasty" for moving out on him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
They DON'T understand, but unless it is someone terribly close to you, I wouldn't worry about trying to MAKE them understand. I'd suggest just shaking your head and saying, "Trust me, there's a LOT more to the story, but I don't care to go into the details. It was the right decision for me, but it's been difficult." And then change the subject.
It's not your job to get them to take your "side." Going into details or getting upset because they say they feel sorry for him only makes it look like you're out to make him look bad--you don't have to sink to his level (even if your version of what happened is more reflective of reality).
It's not your job to get them to take your "side." Going into details or getting upset because they say they feel sorry for him only makes it look like you're out to make him look bad--you don't have to sink to his level (even if your version of what happened is more reflective of reality).
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
One thing I realized is that you're probably not going to get support from the people you would typically get support from in this situation. It's too deep and heavy of a dynamic and it's one of those scenarios where they kind of can't understand it unless they've been through it and "woke up" themselves.
Piercing through the veil of denial doesn't happen freely and to everybody. It takes a while to see things as they are... our brains are always trying to protect us and if staying in denial is less painful than coming out of it that is where we will stay... your friends have nothing to lose by feeling bad for him, you do. They also don't see the whole picture and I think that's what helped me accept that I'd have to find support elsewhere. They don't get it and it's not because they don't care about you or don't want to, it's just not something everyone is ready, willing or needs to see
Piercing through the veil of denial doesn't happen freely and to everybody. It takes a while to see things as they are... our brains are always trying to protect us and if staying in denial is less painful than coming out of it that is where we will stay... your friends have nothing to lose by feeling bad for him, you do. They also don't see the whole picture and I think that's what helped me accept that I'd have to find support elsewhere. They don't get it and it's not because they don't care about you or don't want to, it's just not something everyone is ready, willing or needs to see
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Ditto "what Lexi said."
And I have been in similar shoes- when I broke up with, moved out on and subsequently had to file a restraining order then bring felony stalking charges against my abusive ex-bf, I was shocked at how people "took his side." "It's not that bad" and "I can't believe what you're doing to him"....OMG. BUT. Those people were not my real friends. I had to go elsewhere.
I am glad you have the friend who understands. We can't become burdens to those who support us, but do lean on this person right now. And remember, as we say in AA - "you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it" as it applies to drinking, other people's behaviors and addictions, everything.
Hang in there.
And I have been in similar shoes- when I broke up with, moved out on and subsequently had to file a restraining order then bring felony stalking charges against my abusive ex-bf, I was shocked at how people "took his side." "It's not that bad" and "I can't believe what you're doing to him"....OMG. BUT. Those people were not my real friends. I had to go elsewhere.
I am glad you have the friend who understands. We can't become burdens to those who support us, but do lean on this person right now. And remember, as we say in AA - "you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it" as it applies to drinking, other people's behaviors and addictions, everything.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 530
I had a lot of support to leave but I was so surprised at some reactions. My cousin hadn't seen me or my xAH in years and still was going on with me about she was sure he loved me- yada yada yada. I know she wanted to help but it really got me angry. I did think to myself- now I know what it's like when I try to interfere or "help" someone with my "wisdom." Not too helpful! And XHA's best friend's wife texted me when she heard- wanted to be a "support". I thought maybe wanted me to go back. A friend she gave me a very good mantra which I used when we finally talked. " I am a mature, intelligent woman and I am happy with my decision. I have been happier every day since I left. I had my reasons." This bowled her over- she said it sounds like you knew what you were going to say. Well really what's wrong with that? Why discuss a personal decision when my mind was made up?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Perhaps it would be helpful to classify these persons al "acquaintences", rather than "friends".
They are ignorant...and they are l ooking at things through their own filter.
do you really have the time and mental energy to worry over what everyone else might think...?
Just stay on your side of the street and leave them on theirs.
This is a very common occurance in divorces.....
dandylion
They are ignorant...and they are l ooking at things through their own filter.
do you really have the time and mental energy to worry over what everyone else might think...?
Just stay on your side of the street and leave them on theirs.
This is a very common occurance in divorces.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I have been amazed at the lack of understanding by people, even loved ones very close to me, in terms of what it's like living with alcoholism, and the options we have to deal with it.
My own brother, who was raised in an alcohol household, once told me that my AH drinks because I am "not a good manager." Isn't the first thing we learn in Al-Anon the fact that we can't control it, we can't cure it, and we didn't cause it? I guess that's wisdom confined to the walls of Al-Anon. I, too, was shocked and hurt at the idea that he thought if I was a better, more controlling wife, he wouldn't drink.
I realize that we, the people who are in the trenches, are the only ones who truly understand and so we can't expect others to understand. Even if they think "why would she be leaving such a great guy?" or "how bad could it have been?" or "I feel sorry for him--she kicked him out."
We have to act on our own wisdom, and, frankly, scr*w everyone else's opinion.
My own brother, who was raised in an alcohol household, once told me that my AH drinks because I am "not a good manager." Isn't the first thing we learn in Al-Anon the fact that we can't control it, we can't cure it, and we didn't cause it? I guess that's wisdom confined to the walls of Al-Anon. I, too, was shocked and hurt at the idea that he thought if I was a better, more controlling wife, he wouldn't drink.
I realize that we, the people who are in the trenches, are the only ones who truly understand and so we can't expect others to understand. Even if they think "why would she be leaving such a great guy?" or "how bad could it have been?" or "I feel sorry for him--she kicked him out."
We have to act on our own wisdom, and, frankly, scr*w everyone else's opinion.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 163
Wow I didn't know how lucky I am. Every single person I have told fully supports me for leaving my AW. Including her family. None of them are alcohol abusers though (most dont even drink) so that may have something to do with it. If your friends are all drinkers this may be hitting them a bit too close to home.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I think people are naturally inclined to dismiss the darkness that others have, because it means acknowledging the darkness inside ourselves.
My own father and sister tell me to forgive the woman who took care of us, the one who stabbed needles into us and plunged my sister's face into her cereal milk in the attempt to scare her, because she wasn't "that bad." My extended family thinks I'm being oversensitive and I need to be a little "kinder and forgiving". Screw that.
At the same time, I get it. I had an acquaintance who I would meet on a daily basis. We weren't particularly close, but we were certainly friendly towards each other, and I often looked forward to seeing him at the gym so we could chat about workouts and whatnot.
He was so sweet to me and to others, so imagine my shock when I read that he had actually murdered somebody and then committed suicide. Word came out that he was an alcoholic - but his issues were only beginning to burst through the seams (looking back, I remember a couple interactions that were a little "off" but I had dismissed them. ). I cried so hard that day, for the man I thought I knew and then for the man who was murdered. So many people hated him for what D did, and yet I found it so hard to let go of the memories I had of him, even with the evidence staring right in front of me.
So I try to be a little more understanding of the people who tell me to be more forgiving, knowing how hard it is for them to acknowledge the disease even if it's staring at them in the face. But just because I understand, it doesn't mean that I have to agree with what they've chosen to do.
My own father and sister tell me to forgive the woman who took care of us, the one who stabbed needles into us and plunged my sister's face into her cereal milk in the attempt to scare her, because she wasn't "that bad." My extended family thinks I'm being oversensitive and I need to be a little "kinder and forgiving". Screw that.
At the same time, I get it. I had an acquaintance who I would meet on a daily basis. We weren't particularly close, but we were certainly friendly towards each other, and I often looked forward to seeing him at the gym so we could chat about workouts and whatnot.
He was so sweet to me and to others, so imagine my shock when I read that he had actually murdered somebody and then committed suicide. Word came out that he was an alcoholic - but his issues were only beginning to burst through the seams (looking back, I remember a couple interactions that were a little "off" but I had dismissed them. ). I cried so hard that day, for the man I thought I knew and then for the man who was murdered. So many people hated him for what D did, and yet I found it so hard to let go of the memories I had of him, even with the evidence staring right in front of me.
So I try to be a little more understanding of the people who tell me to be more forgiving, knowing how hard it is for them to acknowledge the disease even if it's staring at them in the face. But just because I understand, it doesn't mean that I have to agree with what they've chosen to do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by Hayfmr 
Wow I didn't know how lucky I am. Every single person I have told fully supports me for leaving my AW. Including her family. None of them are alcohol abusers though (most dont even drink) so that may have something to do with it. If your friends are all drinkers this may be hitting them a bit too close to home.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
It's classic alcoholic behavior to blame everyone else for the problem. Only people who have experienced what you have will understand and be supportive. Just live your liefe. Lots of. Good thoughts here.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I did not share my abusive situation with my family. I felt it was none of their business, the hell I lived in. So.....
My aunt on my side took axh out of her will as us as a couple and put him in individually. I am the executor of her estate and was shocked that she separated us and put him back in. REALLY??
Also, my mother loves talking about axh. Always asking stuff about it. Two nights ago I finally told her that I didn't want to talk about it. (until the next time) Ugh!!
Sending hugs my friend, you made the right decision.
My aunt on my side took axh out of her will as us as a couple and put him in individually. I am the executor of her estate and was shocked that she separated us and put him back in. REALLY??
Also, my mother loves talking about axh. Always asking stuff about it. Two nights ago I finally told her that I didn't want to talk about it. (until the next time) Ugh!!
Sending hugs my friend, you made the right decision.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
"I am separating with him out of love, I wish him well" seems to tug on the heart strings of the most hopeless "friends"
I have heard:
1) Twin sister - "maybe he will get better and you will get back together". She is backing off that though
2) Good friend: "you should let him spend your birthday at your house (after I shared he had an audacity to suggest that), you have been married for 12 years, he still has feelings for you
3) Not-so-close friend: "you should get him help, alcoholics don't get better because there are no resources" (he has been in 50k/month rehab with art therapy and marvelous chocolate cake available with lunch and dinner, rope courses, yoga, all that jazz, 10k/month rehab with rough crowd, and sketchy personnel, detox in a locked psych ward, moved out, quit on his own, went to 3+ AA meetings per week for 28 years, had access to all kinds of counseling. Resources are not the issue)
4) Ex mother in law "you kicked him out of the house, it was cruel". He was doing illicit drugs, destroying things, and endangering himself and others, including my 12-year old. So yeah, I sure did kick him out.
5) My Grandma: "Marriage is hard work, you need to work on relationship to make sure he stops drinking". Facepalm. Grandma wins. (She told my sister once that she was too tall and no one will marry her)
I just smile and wave. "I am doing it out of love" always works
I have heard:
1) Twin sister - "maybe he will get better and you will get back together". She is backing off that though
2) Good friend: "you should let him spend your birthday at your house (after I shared he had an audacity to suggest that), you have been married for 12 years, he still has feelings for you
3) Not-so-close friend: "you should get him help, alcoholics don't get better because there are no resources" (he has been in 50k/month rehab with art therapy and marvelous chocolate cake available with lunch and dinner, rope courses, yoga, all that jazz, 10k/month rehab with rough crowd, and sketchy personnel, detox in a locked psych ward, moved out, quit on his own, went to 3+ AA meetings per week for 28 years, had access to all kinds of counseling. Resources are not the issue)
4) Ex mother in law "you kicked him out of the house, it was cruel". He was doing illicit drugs, destroying things, and endangering himself and others, including my 12-year old. So yeah, I sure did kick him out.
5) My Grandma: "Marriage is hard work, you need to work on relationship to make sure he stops drinking". Facepalm. Grandma wins. (She told my sister once that she was too tall and no one will marry her)
I just smile and wave. "I am doing it out of love" always works
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 163
I am divorcing my AW out of love too. She went on a long drinking binge but just recently sobered up and has become pleasant to be around again. I just spent 3 hours helping her setup her new home. I don't hate her but I can no longer live with a drunk. Its only a matter of time before she goes on another binge. If our separating helps her find sobriety I will forever regret not doing it years ago.
Everyone in the family is fed up with her drinking but I am lucky because neither of our familys are drinkers. They all fully understand and support me in my decision. Had our familys been drinkers I can sure se how things would be a lot different.
Everyone in the family is fed up with her drinking but I am lucky because neither of our familys are drinkers. They all fully understand and support me in my decision. Had our familys been drinkers I can sure se how things would be a lot different.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 155
I like the idea of saying I feel sorry for him too, because its true -- recovery sucks. I guess I just feel so bitter! UGH and I am still dealing with all these horrible feelings I can't even describe. I just wish I could vent to someone. I think I need to go to al-anon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I have a handful of friends that felt bad for XABF... When I took a step back, many of them are problem drinkers too, and didn't want to lose a drinking buddy in our 'divorce.'
Also in taking a step back and trying to analyze my situation a bit more objectively, I HAVE healthy people in my life that I can talk to.....I had just kept them at arms length as far as close friendships went. Lets face it, you don't really call the healthy people to hang out with you and drunky drunkerson on weekends. AND in the name of taking some responsibility, I could be the life of the party at times too and didn't want to be with the non drinkers in my life.
After A LOT of hard work and learning to be a bit more - umm self aware
I have completely reversed the relationships I put the most time and energy into, and it has made all the difference in my weekends, how open I am with people, and in the overall health of my lifestyle.
Also in taking a step back and trying to analyze my situation a bit more objectively, I HAVE healthy people in my life that I can talk to.....I had just kept them at arms length as far as close friendships went. Lets face it, you don't really call the healthy people to hang out with you and drunky drunkerson on weekends. AND in the name of taking some responsibility, I could be the life of the party at times too and didn't want to be with the non drinkers in my life.
After A LOT of hard work and learning to be a bit more - umm self aware
I have completely reversed the relationships I put the most time and energy into, and it has made all the difference in my weekends, how open I am with people, and in the overall health of my lifestyle.
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