I'm in love with an Alcoholic & it's destroying me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 18
I'm in love with an Alcoholic & it's destroying me.
My alcoholic boyfriend (29) and I (25) broke up a few days ago. We had been together for 2 years exactly. I came from a family that didn’t drink at all, my dad was an alcoholic... He's been sober 15 years. He changed his life because during my parents divorce, it was potential that both my parents wouldn't get custody of my brother and I because my mom was a drug/alcohol addict. She's never been clean. My boyfriend on the other hand came from a family where drinking was a big part of their life and widely accepted.
When my boyfriend and I met, he was supposedly doing really well at trying to get sober. His mom warned me about his past issues and he had told me to that in the past he had had a problem with vodka, but it was under control. But we would drink beer occasionally. I felt uncomfortable even doing that but he said it was okay.
There's so many stories I can share with you, but he was an alcoholic that would just want to drink so much vodka that he would just pass out. Not wanting to deal with feelings. I think the first time he passed out with me is the one that I most think about the most. 5 months into our relationship he went to drop off his son back to his mother ( terrible relationship for my BF, she was verbally and physically abusive to him, has Type 1 diabetes that she doesn't take care of, and drinks vodka too)
That night we had stuff to grill out and we're excited about it. He comes back, sits on a chair on the porch and constantly begins to ask me what's wrong with me? It was about 9:00, and he tilts his head back and passes out. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do. It was about 65 degrees outside, I was crying trying to wake him up. Eventually, I just went inside and laid in bed. Hours later he comes in and gets in the bed.
Fast forward 5 months later, his mom and sons mom give him an ultimatum to go to a 30 day treatment facility. I was out of town for work and he passed out while watching his son. I stood by him through this. He lasted about 2 weeks before he drank again. Over the next year, he tried multiple times to do it on his own. Earlier this year, I had found out that he had drank and drove with me, he walked into his house and passed out on the bed. I got all my stuff out and left. When he woke up and blew my phone up. He had night shift the next night at his job, drank a whole pint in going to work and lost his job that he was making close to six figures a year and had great benefits.
Tried to do it again on his own over the next 6 months. Our relationship was so back and forth, I love him and love his son and my BF has a heart of gold. The night before he went into treatment again, he was very verbally abusive. He got vodka out and was going to leave and drive around. I asked him to give it to me, but he protected that bottle like it was the most important thing in his life. I left and called his mom about what happened. The next day I get a call from him saying he's headed to a 90 day treatment program.
During this 90 treatment program, he called me almost every night, I went to go visit him once a month, and our conversations were awesome: we were having mature adult conversations like we were when we first started dating. We both love sports, politics, and would just talk about life in general.
He decides to go to sober living 3 states away. Which I think is awesome. The sacrifice he is doing in order for him to potentially get healthy and for his son too. And I told him time and time again not to worry about us, that we would be fine and he said "it's only natural to worry about us", but I thought we would still communicate though. As soon as he left treatment he barely communicated with me.
So on the day we broke up I finally said we were not together anymore. No communication kills a relationship and he had just got his phone back. I told him I will always love him and I hope he stays sober. He wrote back that he loved me as well. He is stressed about finding a job down there, finances, and he flat out said that he didn't know how to live in the world without alcohol. He said he also doesn't know how to give me what I deserve and still focus on him and also giving his son what's best. Which I understand. The conversation went really well. I think he was just scared to hurt my feeling again, but I think he knew this is what needed to be done. He also said "I have already put you through so much and now this distance" which the distance was never a problem.
During this relationship, I have attended al-Anon and I have been seeing a therapist once a week for three months now.
It's been 3 days and this is the first time we have gone 3 days without communication still we first started dating. I'm just want to be by his side through this, but I know we need this time apart to both work on ourselves. I am overwhelmed with relief though. Any advice?
When my boyfriend and I met, he was supposedly doing really well at trying to get sober. His mom warned me about his past issues and he had told me to that in the past he had had a problem with vodka, but it was under control. But we would drink beer occasionally. I felt uncomfortable even doing that but he said it was okay.
There's so many stories I can share with you, but he was an alcoholic that would just want to drink so much vodka that he would just pass out. Not wanting to deal with feelings. I think the first time he passed out with me is the one that I most think about the most. 5 months into our relationship he went to drop off his son back to his mother ( terrible relationship for my BF, she was verbally and physically abusive to him, has Type 1 diabetes that she doesn't take care of, and drinks vodka too)
That night we had stuff to grill out and we're excited about it. He comes back, sits on a chair on the porch and constantly begins to ask me what's wrong with me? It was about 9:00, and he tilts his head back and passes out. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do. It was about 65 degrees outside, I was crying trying to wake him up. Eventually, I just went inside and laid in bed. Hours later he comes in and gets in the bed.
Fast forward 5 months later, his mom and sons mom give him an ultimatum to go to a 30 day treatment facility. I was out of town for work and he passed out while watching his son. I stood by him through this. He lasted about 2 weeks before he drank again. Over the next year, he tried multiple times to do it on his own. Earlier this year, I had found out that he had drank and drove with me, he walked into his house and passed out on the bed. I got all my stuff out and left. When he woke up and blew my phone up. He had night shift the next night at his job, drank a whole pint in going to work and lost his job that he was making close to six figures a year and had great benefits.
Tried to do it again on his own over the next 6 months. Our relationship was so back and forth, I love him and love his son and my BF has a heart of gold. The night before he went into treatment again, he was very verbally abusive. He got vodka out and was going to leave and drive around. I asked him to give it to me, but he protected that bottle like it was the most important thing in his life. I left and called his mom about what happened. The next day I get a call from him saying he's headed to a 90 day treatment program.
During this 90 treatment program, he called me almost every night, I went to go visit him once a month, and our conversations were awesome: we were having mature adult conversations like we were when we first started dating. We both love sports, politics, and would just talk about life in general.
He decides to go to sober living 3 states away. Which I think is awesome. The sacrifice he is doing in order for him to potentially get healthy and for his son too. And I told him time and time again not to worry about us, that we would be fine and he said "it's only natural to worry about us", but I thought we would still communicate though. As soon as he left treatment he barely communicated with me.
So on the day we broke up I finally said we were not together anymore. No communication kills a relationship and he had just got his phone back. I told him I will always love him and I hope he stays sober. He wrote back that he loved me as well. He is stressed about finding a job down there, finances, and he flat out said that he didn't know how to live in the world without alcohol. He said he also doesn't know how to give me what I deserve and still focus on him and also giving his son what's best. Which I understand. The conversation went really well. I think he was just scared to hurt my feeling again, but I think he knew this is what needed to be done. He also said "I have already put you through so much and now this distance" which the distance was never a problem.
During this relationship, I have attended al-Anon and I have been seeing a therapist once a week for three months now.
It's been 3 days and this is the first time we have gone 3 days without communication still we first started dating. I'm just want to be by his side through this, but I know we need this time apart to both work on ourselves. I am overwhelmed with relief though. Any advice?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
LIsten to the relief you're feeling, not to the codependence.
You've spent two years of your young life trying to love him into sobriety. It sounds like his mother has been trying even longer.
"I asked him to give it to me, but he protected that bottle like it was the most important thing in his life."
This.
I hope you move on and have the happy life you deserve.
You've spent two years of your young life trying to love him into sobriety. It sounds like his mother has been trying even longer.
"I asked him to give it to me, but he protected that bottle like it was the most important thing in his life."
This.
I hope you move on and have the happy life you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Consider this (my reflection on the subject)
A relationship cannot be its best with 2 people co-dependent on each other.
A relationship will be healthiest it can be with 2 people that are independent and self-fulfilling, and can then be in a state to be completely capable to contribute to a relationship, and completely insulated from internal conflict when conflicts arise in the relationship. A relationship is on sketchy ground when it is a 50/50 relationship. It will be its best when it is a 100/100 relationship.
The best way I know to achieve the 100% self for me, and not be in a condition where I 'feel' personal emotional pain and offense in the situations that arise in relationships (Wife, Son & Daughter, Co-workers or Boss, Friends & Acquaintances, etc) is by thoroughly working the 12 Steps, then continuing to work the Daily Steps (10,11,12) and applying 'these principles in all my affairs'.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and Free.
A relationship cannot be its best with 2 people co-dependent on each other.
A relationship will be healthiest it can be with 2 people that are independent and self-fulfilling, and can then be in a state to be completely capable to contribute to a relationship, and completely insulated from internal conflict when conflicts arise in the relationship. A relationship is on sketchy ground when it is a 50/50 relationship. It will be its best when it is a 100/100 relationship.
The best way I know to achieve the 100% self for me, and not be in a condition where I 'feel' personal emotional pain and offense in the situations that arise in relationships (Wife, Son & Daughter, Co-workers or Boss, Friends & Acquaintances, etc) is by thoroughly working the 12 Steps, then continuing to work the Daily Steps (10,11,12) and applying 'these principles in all my affairs'.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and Free.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
My advice......
1. go to the "stickies" at the top of the main page--above the threads. The ones with the pictures of the locks on the left hand side of the page....
THEN...read through the one titled:
Classic Reading". This should begin your education about alcoholism and co-dependency.
2. Get a copy of "Co-deoendent No More"...(it is like a bible around here...lol....
3. Look into Adult Children of Alcoholics. Alanon is fine. No problem, there.
With your background..I think you will find a lot of kinship with the folks in
ACOA. You can do both!. No problem with that.
4. Devote the next two years to your own self-development. You are only 25yrs. old. This would be the perfect time!!
LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT. Love is supposed to enrich our lives and motivate us to be the best person that we can be.
We are created to experience the joy of living and to thrive...not just exist....
With addiction at the center of your life...that can never happen.....
dandylion
1. go to the "stickies" at the top of the main page--above the threads. The ones with the pictures of the locks on the left hand side of the page....
THEN...read through the one titled:
Classic Reading". This should begin your education about alcoholism and co-dependency.
2. Get a copy of "Co-deoendent No More"...(it is like a bible around here...lol....
3. Look into Adult Children of Alcoholics. Alanon is fine. No problem, there.
With your background..I think you will find a lot of kinship with the folks in
ACOA. You can do both!. No problem with that.
4. Devote the next two years to your own self-development. You are only 25yrs. old. This would be the perfect time!!
LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT. Love is supposed to enrich our lives and motivate us to be the best person that we can be.
We are created to experience the joy of living and to thrive...not just exist....
With addiction at the center of your life...that can never happen.....
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
My first husband got sober during a three month "break" I had insisted on. He has remained sober for 37 years.
At this point, I think the break is probably good for both of you. Whether you get back together or not is up in the air, but it sounds at least like he's trying to make his sobriety his priority. And that is a good thing no matter what.
At this point, I think the break is probably good for both of you. Whether you get back together or not is up in the air, but it sounds at least like he's trying to make his sobriety his priority. And that is a good thing no matter what.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 18
Update... Texted him a couple weeks ago just to see how he was doing. I changed my number and none of his family knows my new number. I changed it so I could move on but I still worry about how he's doing at sober living.
He never objected to us not being together. When I texted him he called me childish, said I should have broken up with him in treatment. He was very opposite of how he acted when I broke up with him... He was just a manipulative jerk.
Oh and he's with a girl he met in rehab. I asked him about her once and he said it was nothing. Talk about focusing on his sobriety.
He never objected to us not being together. When I texted him he called me childish, said I should have broken up with him in treatment. He was very opposite of how he acted when I broke up with him... He was just a manipulative jerk.
Oh and he's with a girl he met in rehab. I asked him about her once and he said it was nothing. Talk about focusing on his sobriety.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, well, I guess you have your answer. At least now you don't have to be pining away for him.
I'd suggest NO more contact with him. I'm sorry things turned out this way--I know it hurts. Do your grieving and work on moving YOUR life ahead--you've got a long and happy one ahead of you.
I'd suggest NO more contact with him. I'm sorry things turned out this way--I know it hurts. Do your grieving and work on moving YOUR life ahead--you've got a long and happy one ahead of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I came from a family that didn’t drink at all, my dad was an alcoholic... He's been sober 15 years. He changed his life because during my parents divorce, it was potential that both my parents wouldn't get custody of my brother and I because my mom was a drug/alcohol addict. She's never been clean.
if i have the math right here - you are now 25, dad has been sober for 15 years, mom has never been clean, there WAS alcohol and drug abuse in your formative years 0-10. while the last 15 years you have enjoyed a sober father, the scars from living in addiction are there. take the time, all the time you need, to heal from the current pain and also the past.
i'm sorry how things turned out with the ex, but as they say, more shall be revealed......what they don't say is that we might not like it.
if i have the math right here - you are now 25, dad has been sober for 15 years, mom has never been clean, there WAS alcohol and drug abuse in your formative years 0-10. while the last 15 years you have enjoyed a sober father, the scars from living in addiction are there. take the time, all the time you need, to heal from the current pain and also the past.
i'm sorry how things turned out with the ex, but as they say, more shall be revealed......what they don't say is that we might not like it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 18
Yes I am moving back to the city that I left to be with him. Getting my old job back that I loved. I get to travel the entire country. I will never move for love again. I definitely learned something from this experience. I cried yesterday after finding out he was with that girl, but I cried bc I was free too.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I moved back across the country to get my old job back, too, after my second husband went back to drinking shortly after our marriage. Glad you at least don't have the legal entanglements, and also glad you have a good job to go back to. That eased the pain a whole lot for ME.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 67
Good for you ChiTown. I definitely understand where you're coming from. A few years back, my ExAbf and I broke up and he immediately starting seeing/hooking up with someone else. It was devastating for me. Of course it didn't work out and he reeled me back in a few months later, but it's a good lesson in retrospect this time around. He's moving out of our apartment soon and there's no way I will let him back into my life this time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Originally Posted by ChiTown555 
Yes I am moving back to the city that I left to be with him. Getting my old job back that I loved. I get to travel the entire country. I will never move for love again. I definitely learned something from this experience. I cried yesterday after finding out he was with that girl, but I cried bc I was free too.
After I filed for divorce, I found out that my XAH (of 12 years) cheated on me shortly before going into rehab with unemployed addicted lady 15 years my senior, who he met in a local bar after he dropped son off for school. I am talking 10am. "She understood him". I am sure she did lol.
Yikes. Water seeks its own level. I took it as a sign that filing was, indeed, a right thing.
Congratulations on your freedom!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 18
I have so much anger and resentment built up inside. This is the only place where I can vent I feel like. I just texted blowing upon him. I told him I wish I never had met him, that he could Rot in hell, how I felt free of his chaotic alcoholism and why he felt like it was okay for him to do what he did to me.
He wrote back "thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm glad you have a sense of freedom from this "chaotic alcoholism" enjoy your freedom... I will try my best not to rot in hell" I felt bad after, but I just lost it. Truly lost it. I know I'll never get an apology and I just need to come to terms with that. I have got to let this go. I wish I could erase him from my mind.
He wrote back "thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm glad you have a sense of freedom from this "chaotic alcoholism" enjoy your freedom... I will try my best not to rot in hell" I felt bad after, but I just lost it. Truly lost it. I know I'll never get an apology and I just need to come to terms with that. I have got to let this go. I wish I could erase him from my mind.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
posted by dandylion above:
My advice......
1. go to the "stickies" at the top of the main page--above the threads. The ones with the pictures of the locks on the left hand side of the page....
THEN...read through the one titled:
Classic Reading". This should begin your education about alcoholism and co-dependency.
2. Get a copy of "Co-deoendent No More"...(it is like a bible around here...lol....
3. Look into Adult Children of Alcoholics. Alanon is fine. No problem, there.
With your background..I think you will find a lot of kinship with the folks in
ACOA. You can do both!. No problem with that.
4. Devote the next two years to your own self-development. You are only 25yrs. old. This would be the perfect time!!
Please consider following Dandylion's advice. You are at great risk
of forming unhealthy relationships due to your family of origin. You owe
it to your future happiness to learn about the long term effects of
spending your formative years in a dysfunctional family, even though
your dad became sober around the time you were 10. Otherwise, you
run the risk of spending years in unhealthy relationships and not
understanding why or what you are doing to yourself. Wishing you
all the best
My advice......
1. go to the "stickies" at the top of the main page--above the threads. The ones with the pictures of the locks on the left hand side of the page....
THEN...read through the one titled:
Classic Reading". This should begin your education about alcoholism and co-dependency.
2. Get a copy of "Co-deoendent No More"...(it is like a bible around here...lol....
3. Look into Adult Children of Alcoholics. Alanon is fine. No problem, there.
With your background..I think you will find a lot of kinship with the folks in
ACOA. You can do both!. No problem with that.
4. Devote the next two years to your own self-development. You are only 25yrs. old. This would be the perfect time!!
Please consider following Dandylion's advice. You are at great risk
of forming unhealthy relationships due to your family of origin. You owe
it to your future happiness to learn about the long term effects of
spending your formative years in a dysfunctional family, even though
your dad became sober around the time you were 10. Otherwise, you
run the risk of spending years in unhealthy relationships and not
understanding why or what you are doing to yourself. Wishing you
all the best
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Originally Posted by ChiTown555
He wrote back "thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm glad you have a sense of freedom from this "chaotic alcoholism" enjoy your freedom... I will try my best not to rot in hell" I felt bad after, but I just lost it. Truly lost it. I know I'll never get an apology and I just need to come to terms with that. I have got to let this go. I wish I could erase him from my mind.
What I did:
I don't contact him on the phone - ever, e-mail only, and "miss" his phone calls that happen during unscheduled times.
I unfriended him on social media, and unfollowed/limited his relatives.
I put all the pictures away, wedding photos and all, left a couple with him and my son per sons request.
I stop his attempts at "friendship" - once he starts talking about himself, recovery, our relationship - I change the subject.
I blew up on him early on a few times - but it only gave him an opportunity to be snarky and nasty with me. So I no longer give him this power and stay very neutral.
Good luck - you can do this!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Hey Chitown, I hope you have found a Alanon group that works for you back in your home city. What you are going through can be so super painful that it is a good idea to circle all the wagons you can.
Grow as much as you can from this. Let us know how you get along.
Grow as much as you can from this. Let us know how you get along.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 20
Truth...
Originally Posted by dandylion
My advice......
1. go to the "stickies" at the top of the main page--above the threads. The ones with the pictures of the locks on the left hand side of the page....
THEN...read through the one titled:
Classic Reading". This should begin your education about alcoholism and co-dependency.
2. Get a copy of "Co-deoendent No More"...(it is like a bible around here...lol....
3. Look into Adult Children of Alcoholics. Alanon is fine. No problem, there.
With your background..I think you will find a lot of kinship with the folks in
ACOA. You can do both!. No problem with that.
4. Devote the next two years to your own self-development. You are only 25yrs. old. This would be the perfect time!!
LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT. Love is supposed to enrich our lives and motivate us to be the best person that we can be.
We are created to experience the joy of living and to thrive...not just exist....
With addiction at the center of your life...that can never happen.....
dandylion
1. go to the "stickies" at the top of the main page--above the threads. The ones with the pictures of the locks on the left hand side of the page....
THEN...read through the one titled:
Classic Reading". This should begin your education about alcoholism and co-dependency.
2. Get a copy of "Co-deoendent No More"...(it is like a bible around here...lol....
3. Look into Adult Children of Alcoholics. Alanon is fine. No problem, there.
With your background..I think you will find a lot of kinship with the folks in
ACOA. You can do both!. No problem with that.
4. Devote the next two years to your own self-development. You are only 25yrs. old. This would be the perfect time!!
LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT. Love is supposed to enrich our lives and motivate us to be the best person that we can be.
We are created to experience the joy of living and to thrive...not just exist....
With addiction at the center of your life...that can never happen.....
dandylion
All I can say is this to you as I ffind myself telling myself often...I met my ABF when I was 21 in college and he was an A then and still an A. It only gets worse until you/I want more...I tell myself this often, as it is 10 years and 2 kids later and the same ole' thing. Get out while you can and work on you. I understand the love you have for him but I would hate for you to experience some of the agony I have and am still suffering through, why? I do not know.
I have been attending phone meeting for Alanon and plan to find a face meeting asap. It helps. I wish I would have found it sooner.
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