Missmystister

When my sister started all of this stuff she took all her stuff and moved it out. Including our fathers ashes,despite not having a stable living situation. Things kind of snowballed from that point and she got arrested for the first time a few months ago. She told me thst his ashes were in the trunk of her car that had been stolen. So I searched endlessly for her car. And we found it but because she was in jail we couldn't look in her car.and nobody would listen that my fathers ashes were in there. When she got out of jail I begged her to give them to me, I offered money for them. Her response was "don't act like you give a s*** all of a sudden". But said she would give them to our brother. Then she got arrested again and her car was towed and we found out through the police that if she gave me written permission to get into her car that we could go through it. She never followed through. And we found out that the ashes were really at some friend of her's the whole time. And she didn't tell me because she didn't want her family talking to her friends. Now my sister was arrested again and again I am trying so hard to get the ashes back. I was finally able to contact the woman who has them and I have been begging her for them, she is also an addict though, and keeps putting me off. I offered her money or whatever she wanted, and she just basically told me not to worry, they are in a safe place. But she's not giving them to me.i think because my sister owes her money or stole from her. I am so angry and just devastated. I am so out of control in this entire situation. I want my dad's ashes at home. Right now I don't know where they are, just that whoever has them is a heroin addict. It is a disgusting thing to think of. My fathers remains in such a terrible place. I'm so afraid that by the time my sister finds herself stable enough to go get them, that they'll be gone. And I feel like it's my responsibility to get them back. And I'm failing. I've been told that I need to learn to accept the things I cannot change. But I am having a hard time doing that when it seems that these destructive people seem to be running the show. I'm angry that that's how it is, I try so hard in my life and I feel like it's pointless sometimes, this drug is a monster and it's turned my life upside down and has turned my beautiful, amazing sister into a careless, cruel person, I'm sorry, I kind of needed to vent. I am wondering if things will ever be the same when she comes back from this. Hoping that the meeting I go to next week will help me with my anger and coping skills.

PuzzledHeart

Missmysister, I'm so sorry. Your post just broke my heart.

You have not failed anybody. If anything, your sister's behavior and the behavior of her friends have failed you.

When somebody that you love says to you that they'll take care of it, I think we are more than likely to give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm certain that when your sister took your father's ashes she had every intention of taking care of them. I'm certain that your sister's friend had every intention of taking care of your father's ashes too.

However when you wrote her friend "just basically told me not to worry, they are in a safe place," my alarm bells went off. I found that with my sister, whenever she said something like that, it was because she had misplaced the object in question but didn't want to face the fact that she had. Because facing that fact would add to the mountain of shame she had already accumulated. And she would stall and stall until the very last possible moment. And if that stalling also meant compulsive lying, so be it.

Unfortunately, the only thing that did work with my sister was to stop being polite and to call her out on her BS. For you, it may mean saying straight out to your sister "You don't know where you put them but you're too embarrassed to tell me." Your sister may have lied about giving them to her friend, and her friend is too high to remember if your sister gave them to her or not. You are not working with logical people here, and anything they say should be viewed with doubt and suspicion. I'm sorry to say that, but it's true.

The fact that you are continuing your dogged search for your father is a testament to you, and a testament that you are NOT failing him. It sounds like (and you can correct me if I'm wrong) your sister took his ashes without telling you. And even if she DID tell you, why wouldn't you believe her when she said she would take care of them? Maybe you thought that that's what she needed to steady herself, and you would have done anything to make that happen.

So please, please be easy on yourself. And if you decide to confront your sister and her friend, make sure that you're careful. My sister (even though she was JUST on pot) would sometimes rage into a frenzy when her back was pressed against the wall. I'm sure your dad wouldn't want you to get hurt .

I'm so, so, sorry. Hugs to you.

elissa1962

Absolutely despicable. Nothing is beneath them. I pray you get them back.

Ann

Can you call the police or have a lawyer send someone for them. Never mind negotiating with anyone, that just gives them more power. Insist that they release them to or you will call the police right then and there.

It strikes me that this is something very sacred and personal and if the law gets involved you can bet these people will hand them over quickly...the last thing they want is the law hanging around.

My prayers go out for you, that you get these ashes back. How very sad that you had to go through all this.

Hugs