Arpeggioh

No, I'm not going to tell you how awful I'm feeling, that I can't keep doing this, and beg for advice, not again! My tales of woe are fully archived over ten years at SR. This time, I need a place to chronicle my latest relapse, hopefully learn from it (with help from all the wise folks here), and keep an open journal while I try to try again...

My latest attempt at sobriety began after calling in to work, hung over to the point of almost believing my whispered excuse of "trying not to have a nervous breakdown." That was in early May; in an effort to do something different, I joined the May 2016 class, and started posting my butt off. It seemed helpful: I felt involved, felt very close to many folks (still do) who were sharing my boat; this new "active" SR phase got me through two months.

July 4 weekend, eight weeks under my belt; I can name the trigger, if you're into those: extra time off work; that's been huge my whole life. Sunday when my church musician job was done, I knew I had one whole extra day to recover, and the only thought I recall is "...I Could..." For me, once that thought is planted, the deal is sealed. Thoughts v. Actions? I'm controlled by my thoughts.

I got over that slip, tried to move along...can't even remember why a few weeks later another bender was okay, to be honest...once I hit reset, and my eight weeks were gone, suddenly what's another one? And so forth, until (what a fricking surprise) I'm back to daily drinking, and hangover management.

So this thread is mostly for me (because, isn't it always all about me? I mean, c'mon!) but may also serve as a cautionary tale: days matter; weeks matter; hitting the reset button too many times makes things SO much harder every next time; I've read here of the "f-it" syndrome, and it's very real, and it's hard to recover from.

Anyway, hope you'll hear more from me tomorrow, because this is my new turf at SR. (Shout-out to my Mayflies; love you guys, just can't bring you down right now while I sort myself out!)

ARP

ALinNS

Just curious if you have a plan in place and any support to help you in person?

Have a great weekend
Andrew

Dee74

I think you need a bigger better and more detailed plan Arp.

'I could' was the old me way of thinking - it was the man-child, pretty much unchanged from when I first started getting high/drunk at 15.

Recovery bought adulthood for me.

I worked hard, found a whole new range of options besides drinking, made massive changes to life and the way I relaxed and solved problems, and discovered a new respect for myself and my body and mind.

Suddenly 'I could' became 'why would I'?

I dunno - do you think you've made enough changes to change yet, Arp?

D

Arpeggioh

D: okay, you had me at "man-child"...
This was tonight's plan: post drunk, start a stupid 'accountability' thread, gather support for what I'm trying, and not doing...
I actually love when you call bulls**t; you keep us honest...

Love you, man,
Arp

Dee74

Been there done that, owned the t shirt company, Arp

Take care of yourself - but start thinking about who you want to be and what your life might look like.

D

red3215

Hi Arpeggio. I think there's a lot of hope for chronic relapsers because they show that they're consistent about realizing they need to sober up, as well as demonstrating their discipline ability by not drinking during what i think is the hardest part---the first few weeks of sobriety.

I'm no professional but a lot of addicted people seem to keep going backward because A) The sober time makes them feel like they're "normal" again and have earned or learned the ability to control their drinking.

But even 20 years is not enough sober time to change us in that way. As the saying goes--A pickle can never go back to being a cucumber. EVER.

And b) Lots of sober time makes drinking a thing of the past that doesnt seem like a crisis needing immediate attention anymore. So it's easy to get bored and slack off whatever plan was in place. Gradually, often subconsciously, our minds start slipping backward because they don't have the necessary time being put in to counter the pro-drinking thoughts that still live deep in our brains.

Especially in the first six months a whole lot of time is needed to counter that powerful belief that we can control the drinking if we just try something different.

Even when the obsession is gone and alcohol isnt on our minds much anymore, a significant amount of time should still be spent on preparing for "It's ok to drink" thoughts sprouting out of nowhere.

I spent about three hours a day reviewing my list of reasons why i dont want to drink again, coming to this board, reading underlined parts of Rational Recovery and The Big Book both, etc.....and that's how this chronic relapser FINALLY got sober.

I dont spend three hours a day anymore but have learned to notice when I start to think a certain way that might tempt me to drink, and immediately go to this board or review my Reasons list again.
And never fantasize about drinking.That just keeps the illusion of alcoholism alive.

Sorry I know this is really long.
Best of luck. You can quit just like many other quitters who didnt think they could, without a doubt.

PurpleKnight

I got a box of T-Shirts around here somewhere Arpeggioh!!

The power is in your hands, for me when the plan wasn't working I needed to change up the plan.

You can do this!!

SnazzyDresser

I feel for you, Arpeggioh. It's tough quitting drinking! It is doable though, as the SR vets prove with their example. I had 75 days earlier this year that I threw away for nothing. My San Antonio Spurs had lost and were out of the playoffs, better chug a 12er. I felt such despair in the 24/7 bender month after that, like why even bother. But that despair is not pre-ordained, and we're worth so much more than that, all of us. Keep at it!

Anna

Arp, I'm glad you're back and I'm glad you know that you need a solid plan to get you through this. You can make changes in your life that help to support your recovery.

Arpeggioh

Thanks, y'all...despair comes too easy, and plans for change are hard...I'm hoping for better days, even when I don't have a Plan...I know, pretty fruitless of me! But support here is priceless; love this place...

Dee74

Ditch the drink - tomorrows another day Arp.
Energy's wasted as self pity - use it to move forward instead.

Make those changes, and then work them - hard

D

keeppushing

RedLady, it was not long. It was extremely motivational and helpful to me. Thank you.

KP

Flossyteacake

Arp - if posting regularly in a monthly thread has helped you before, try doing more of that again. You're always welcome in May - there are people there who don't have the 100+ days yet - you'd still be in good company. Add in August, though, if it helps to be around others battling the first few days. I know that they're hard. We all know they're hard.

Know what I did today? Christened our new kayaks, with the family. They're part of the new improved me, who's out living life and not suffering yet another Saturday hangover. We had two hours paddling around and it was glorious. Life is a beautiful thing if you want to embrace it.

Who do you imagine yourself to be and how are you going to become that person?

Stick with it, Arp.

Arpeggioh

Flossy, my dear (my great grandmother's name, incidentally):
I know I belong with the Mayflies; that's when I started thinking I didn't want to die from the drink. Thank you for popping in here...

Progress so far: day less than zero; never really slept last night, and drunk drove to the Corner Store for a pint of Smirnoff, around 10:30 am...

Nobody likes to hear this crap, I get that...I just feel the need to write it down. I know it's not a plan (quite the opposite), but I need to see this insanity in print; it will give me something to look at tomorrow (or the next day)...thx, Arp

Delilah1

Hi Arp,

Hope to see you here posting today. You said posting in the May class was helpful, you may want to join the August class as well and begin posting daily again. I am getting close to the 8 month mark, and posting on here daily is what keeps me grounded in my sobriety. I do not think about drinking often anymore, but I still find great value in posting. Readinf about the success and struggles of others is very helpful. Looking forward to seeing you on here each day.

Delizadee

Ahhh Arp, I'm rising the same merry go round as you. I feel and understand the need to get things out so you can see them. Write about the small good steps you've done too.
I too am working my way to a quit date. And have done some ridiculous things in the past little bit. Last night I went to the casino. Didn't drink there. Gambled within my limits. Then I self banned from all casinos in the province. I went home and had a couple drinks. But I felt like a winner because I made a positive step that will benefit me. Reducing my daily drinking. Tomorrow is my last day. Then I'm committing. I've been going to meetings when I can muser the courage. Have an amazing addictions counselor and baby stepping my way into recovery and not just sobriety.
We can do this my friend.
Been to any meetings? Picked a quit date?

endlesspatience

I'm a bit disappointed reading through this thread. It seems a few people have used it to declare they're giving up on recovery. It's just worth saying that there's an awful lot of nice things about heading through life without getting drunk and having hangovers.

joandmelandhan

Hi Arp. I'm so relieved you've turned up again. Stay close to whatever section of SR feels the most helpful for you hun. It's never to late to start again. Ever. Take any help or motivation you can from anywhere and if you only achieve one thing in a day not taking the first drink is and always will be the most important thing.
I've missed you Arp. Welcome back. Jo xxx

Arpeggioh

Yes, terribly sorry, endlesspatience; I'll PM our endlessly patient moderator Dee to have this thread removed at his earliest convenience; so sorry you had to read through it...

Arpeggioh

ps: everyone else:
I'm not giving up on recovery; if I were, I would just disappear from SR (as I've done many times in the past.)
Tomorrow is another day...Scarlett O'Hara, I think...thanks, guys!