Is my husband an alcoholic and if so, how can I help him?

Old 08-19-2016, 12:26 PM
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Question Is my husband an alcoholic and if so, how can I help him?

Now that I have started I don't want to write anything because I don't want to think about this.

So for now I mostly just want to ask:
How can you tell
  • if someone is an alcoholic and
  • how do you help them if they are?

Background:
My husband is always extra kind and loving when drunk but he is also more clumsy. He spills breaks things like glasses and plates and burns food because he falls asleep with the oven on.
Admittedly, I break and burn things regularly too, eventhough I've never been drunk because I don't like alcohol. It just has no appeal to me and makes me feel instantly unwell so I avoid it.

But my husband is normally a very,very careful person. He also works shifts and says he uses alcohol to help regulate his sleep. He drinks a bottle of wine a few nights a week- sometimes he'll open a second one and drink maybe half of it. I don't know the exact amount because he mostly drinks when I'm asleep or at work.

However on holidays, I worked it out that he drank 72 Irish units of Alcohol in one week. (The recommendation is to have less than 21 units per week). Admittedly this was unusually high. He would not be able to drink this much normally, because sometimes he goes straight to sleep without drinking when he comes home from work. But I suspect that any night he is awake he drinks..

I'm pregnant with our first child and worried. My husband says he won't be drinking like this when the baby comes along... but then how will he regulate his sleep? I have suggested taking magnesium or hot cocoa to help him sleep and maca to stay awake. he doen't drink tea or coffee so caffeine is not an option either.

besides I think he started drinking when he moved away from friends and family to live with me. He has not been able to make any friends since he moved 7 years ago and I think he just gets bored and lonely sitting around the house by himself.

Since I don't drink I am not sure if a bottle of wine a few nights a week is all that excessive?

Part of his clumsiness and burning things etc is related to the fact that he has to force himself to stay awake when he is exhausted, in order to get into day shift mode.

( He works two 12 hour day shifts followed immediately by two 12 hour night shifts.
In other words if he works during the day Monday and Tuesday (8 am to 8 pm) he will work during the night Wednesday and Thursday ( 8pm to 8am).

So he is often awake for 24 hours. I worry about the impact on his driving.

Despite his excuse about the sleep regulation I seem to recall that I thought he drank a lot before he started the shift work anyway.

Still, as someone who doesn't really drink alcohol* I have no idea what is normal and apart from the clumsiness and two wretching episodes after drinking this year, I can't complain too much about the impact of the alcohol consumption on me. If anything my husband is kinder, more loving and affectionate when drunk.

Indeed when I spoke to him on the phone at work today I wondered if he had been drinking just because he was so sweet on the phone. It's hard to tell over the phone, but I can usually tell straight away now when I see him if he has been drinking.

Also I could be paranoid because his mother is a recovering alchoholic...

WOW I actually got it all out. Sorry my style is so rambling!

* ( I sometimes sip a mouthful of wine when not pregnant to be polite but I'd never drink a whole glass)
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Old 08-19-2016, 12:31 PM
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You can't diagnose an alcoholic based on how clumsy they are while under the influence. What's a bigger concern is that he's continuing to drink, despite adverse things happening when he's drinking. THAT is a sign of trouble.

I'd suggest you find yourself an Al-Anon meeting. It will help you clear your own head about what you want for yourself and the baby. Growing up in an alcoholic home is HORRIBLE for kids.

Oh, and the answer to your other question is that there isn't much you can do to "help" someone who doesn't want any help. You've expressed your concern, and he thinks things will change when the baby comes. I'd be surprised if there is any change, other than one for the worse. Alcoholism is progressive, and it never gets better on its own.
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Old 08-19-2016, 12:51 PM
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Is alcohol causing PROBLEMS in YOUR life? regardless of whether YOU drink or not? then alcohol is a problem. period.

we may not be able to do much to help you help your husband, but we can help YOU.

you have every right to be concerned with a baby coming. while what you report doesn't sound SUPER excessive, you also may not be seeing ALL that he drinks OR his tolerance may be shot and it doesn't take that much to get him drunk.

falling asleep with the stove/oven on is a dangerous thing. i also think his sleep regulation argument is BS. he drinks because he LIKES it. or because he has progressed to NEEDING it.

i have yet to see ONE story here of an alcoholic or problem drinker sobering up WHEN the baby arrives....often it sets off even MORE drinking.

are you close with his mom? is she aware of any of this? i only ask because if she is in recovery, she MAY be able to offer some suggestions for HIM.
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Old 08-19-2016, 01:33 PM
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Yes, many times, when the baby arrives, the drinking increases due to the additional stress.
It would be good to get involved in alanon, now...because you are going to need the extra support.....

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Old 08-19-2016, 01:51 PM
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Welcome Ski. I'm glad you found us.

I second what everyone says about finding an Alanon group. Also, unfortunately, I second that it is not possible to help an alcoholic; they must help themselves. This last is a super hard concept for most of us to face.
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Old 08-19-2016, 01:54 PM
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I think its good to keep in mind its not simple to diagnose true alcoholism. It should be done by a medica professional . Ive heard people who actually fit into this group are smaller in number than is often suggested. Many others have various forms of alcohol abuse. Sometimes it can begin with stress, or sleep issues, self medicating o her issues like depression or some kind of emotional pain,

Early treatment is important no matter what the diagnosis. The concern I see is that with any unhealthy behabior , the fact it continues when there are negative consequences or weird things happening . With alcohol people are often in denial there is a problem. The substances in alcohol act to alter thinking so it makes a person more confused to really see what's going on. What appears logical to him might not appear logical to you or someone not drinking. Does that make sense?

So because of this its often important to get others involved like a medical doctor or therapist who can help examine behaviors and sort of help him begin to see cause and effect. We can do this to some extent but it gets tricky because of emotions, things might feel like a wife just complaining or over reacting l which might cause defensiveness and arguments. Its got to be discussed very carefully so he feels safe and can share and be open to discussing any concerns he might have.

Alanon is a good resource to put focus on yourself but won't help you help him. They do not believe this is possible. You will need to look outside that program if you want to do this. At least this is my experience.

Please do take care of your emotional health especially while pregnant. So much going on right now to deal with. Maybe a good time to consider family therapy and some of these concerns could be aired within those safe confines.
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Old 08-19-2016, 02:04 PM
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Speaking from experience, having a baby can set everybody's sleep schedule out of whack. If he's that reliant on alcohol to regulate his sleep, he needs to get himself off it now, not later. Because Anvilhead is right, he's more likely to drink after the baby is born if alcohol is his goto fixer upper. If he finds it difficult to cope with life now, it's only going to get more challenging.

The fact that he drinks when you're asleep/away sets alarm bells in my head. The fact that he's defensive about alcohol consumption is another one.

my husband is kinder, more loving and affectionate when drunk.
Unfortunately, you need to be kind, loving, affectionate and ALERT to be a good husband and a father. Our son was especially colicky, it was hard enough to be alert (and we were sober) because he was up at all hours at the night. I can't even imagine trying to take care of him while drunk.

However, I suspect you already know this, which is why you're posting your doubts and suspicions on this board. Your mama bear instinct is already on alert.

Your gut is telling you something. Listen to it.
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Old 08-19-2016, 02:08 PM
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Thanks for the comments

In reply to the question about his mother- the simple answer is that no one knows I am worried about my husbands drinking- other than my husband and the people who have read this forum thread. I've been worrying mostly in silence for years.

I was prompted to write because I thought my husband had finished off the bottle of wine he started last night in the middle of the day today and then woke up late for work this evening with a sore head. But he swears that he threw the bottle of wine down the sink. He says he often does this with leftover wine in case it has gone off. I want to believe him but I am not sure...

Anyway even though I appreciate the efforts you all went to, to reply to my post, obviously what you have all said is not very reassuring- except perhaps for the comment that what I described doesn't sound super excessive...

But if it is excessive and if there is nothing I can do to help him, then all I can do is either accept things as they are or leave him.

Right now I guess I'll just accept things as they are, since the impact on me personally is not too serious. There is the cost of alcohol issue of course but I'd be worse off financially if we broke up. Besides I love him and my main concern is for his own health and well being.

I'll just have to see what happens when the baby comes along though because as you say growing up in the house of an alcoholic is not great for any child- something my husband knows all too well himself...
Thanks anyway.

S
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Old 08-19-2016, 02:16 PM
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Thanks Aliciagr, Your post has given me some ideas and hope. I'll see if i can persuade him to talk to Cognitive Behavioural Therapist or something...
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Old 08-19-2016, 02:20 PM
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something to think about.....WHY do you keep HIS drinking a secret? you don't have to answer, but you spent a lot of time and energy covering up.............why? are you afraid of what others will think of him..........or you? again, you don't have to respond here....but give it some thought. if you want to see your husband get help, somehow, then the TRUTH will need to be EXPOSED.

and no, he didn't dump out the wine for fear it may have gone bad.....it wasn't open and around that long!
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Old 08-19-2016, 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Skidaroo74 View Post
Thanks Aliciagr, Your post has given me some ideas and hope. I'll see if i can persuade him to talk to Cognitive Behavioural Therapist or something...
That would be right along the correct line of help I think. I see opportunity to unite and just say hey we have a baby coming. We both need to be at the top of our game. Sleep for both of us will get worse. Let's each look at ourselves and tackle any concerns we have. And if he doesnt now then a reminded after baby. Now is the time. There is lots of support for new parents and the stresses we are going through. If he won't at least you can maybe find someone to talk with so you dont have to keep fears or worries inside. Sometimes when we do this it can lead to our being resentful and actually making a small wall in the marriage.

I love my husband too. He is struggling right now. I'm doing some therapy and we are trying to find a good dr for him to work with.
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Old 08-19-2016, 02:48 PM
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Now that I have started I don't want to write anything because I don't want to think about this
Too late. There is no turning back. Eventually, most of us have to accept how things are because it gets so bad we can't hide it from ourselves anymore - let alone anyone else.

But if it is excessive and if there is nothing I can do to help him, then all I can do is either accept things as they are or leave him.
This is exactly right - it took me SO LONG to accept this one simple fact!

Right now I guess I'll just accept things as they are, since the impact on me personally is not too serious. There is the cost of alcohol issue of course but I'd be worse off financially if we broke up. Besides I love him and my main concern is for his own health and well being
This is a stage we've ALL been in.

Getting to online or in person Alanon meetings, getting a hold of some books (check out the book list in the stickies), post and reading in here, learn everything you can about alcoholism, and or getting yourself some counseling will cushion you, will help preserve your sanity, will support a happy healthy life for YOU no matter how much he drinks, or what drinking causes him to do, and give clarity on this semi uncomfortable (even moreso with a baby on the way) spot you are in.

I'll just have to see what happens when the baby comes along though because as you say growing up in the house of an alcoholic is not great for any child- something my husband knows all too well himself...
Yes - this cycle repeats itself...over and over....and through generations of people growing up saying "I will never be like my parent."

Anyway even though I appreciate the efforts you all went to, to reply to my post, obviously what you have all said is not very reassuring- except perhaps for the comment that what I described doesn't sound super excessive...
Do you want comfortable responses or truthful responses? It is very disappointing when the response is not what we want it to be. It's a kick to the chest, I know....I received it when I got here too.

Please hang around here. There is a new way of thinking, a new way of LIVING that can help you navigate your struggles with problem drinking in your home. The beginning of this journey is hard to hear and learn about, but it can literally save your life and sanity. (((HUGS))) and congrats on the little one!
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Old 08-19-2016, 05:31 PM
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When I look back on my early posts, I noticed that I was asking questions about things that I had a gut feeling I KNEW the answer to already...

His mother is an alcoholic, he makes excuses for not drinking tea or coffee but drinks 1.5-2 bottles of wine instead to help regulate sleep, he makes broad claims about how he can just stop when the baby comes etc...

I think you're asking us to maybe say "nah that all sounds normal ish and it'll all be ok..."

I am sad for you and worried for you... When a baby comes and there is not any routine sleep schedule and there is a lot more stress, I predict your husband will have more reasons to be drinking...

I second and third all the advice you've received about al anon...

Keep posting... We are all here for you!
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Old 08-19-2016, 06:42 PM
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There's no reason not to explore help for YOU, though, is there? I mean, you don't have to decide whether he is, or isn't, an alcoholic to know that his drinking worries you and upsets you. That's all the "qualification" you need, in order to benefit from Al-Anon. There's no requirement that your husband be an alcoholic, or any degree of "problem drinker"--the only requirement is that you are affected by someone else's drinking. I think you'd find it very much a relief to meet others who are dealing with the same kinds of worries--and especially those who have found a solution (hint: the "solution" isn't always leaving the alcoholic--at least not right away).
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Old 08-19-2016, 06:56 PM
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The big problem is....... alcoholism is progressive, it will only get worse.

Let me tell you, I thought I could handle it also, as I did for 34 years. I did a good job pretending like our life was perfect. Ignoring his inappropriate behavior and the horrible way he treated me.

I finally had the courage to say enough. I wish I new what I know now about alcoholism. I wouldn't have wasted almost half my life with him. Please take care of you as that precious baby deserves one healthy parent in his life.

Sending hugs my friend!!
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Old 08-19-2016, 08:59 PM
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Skid, you do have some points in your favour. One big one is that he loves you, and you love him, so there is an incentive for both of you to work through this.

Not everyone is born an alcoholic, but you can fall into the trap of habitual drinking to the point where you become dependent - it doesn't matter what you call it.

From the details you've given I have no doubt he is dependent; that thing about pouring the wine down the sink is pure sh**e, for instance. He's almost certainly finished it off, and now he feels the need to lie. The shifts and the move away from home will be factors in his life, no doubt about it, but the alcohol will make it worse.

When I was drinking I wouldn't go out in the evening because I couldn't drink as much as I did when I was home. And you do become dependent on drinking to sleep, but that's often temporary and many recovering As use exercise instead.

It's 100% true that he had to want to stop himself, however you might be able to persuade him to seek help before it gets worse, and it will. Putting off doing anything until after the baby is born will possibly make things worse as it's a stressful time for everyone.

You've discussed his drinking before. Consider seeing a D&A counsellor together, when he's sober, for a more structured discussion. It's not a cure, but things have gone beyond the point where you can help him on your own. If he does find the incentive to stop drinking there are many treatment options out there.

I personally developed a drinking habit (i.e. I'm a recovered A) and I know As aren't monsters, but I do think your H has got to the point where he needs proper evaluation and help, and you might be able to get him to consider it.
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Old 08-19-2016, 10:13 PM
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^^^^^^^^ Good Post

Also good point. There are lots of different treatment options and various helps available for him, and for you too.
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Old 08-19-2016, 11:15 PM
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Iīm a bit worried about the "Iīll stop drinking when the baby comes"-part. A new baby makes things infinitely more challenging, not easier. Thereīs a lot of BS myths about how having a baby will make everything right, how couples will bond over this new child and everyone will be on their best behavior. The truth is, having a baby requires you take a step into the background while the baby takes center stage - that is just how things are. It has to be like that because a newborn is completely dependent on the parents.
And I canīt see someone with a drinking problem do this, itīs all about them. Youīll need all your energy for your baby, and if your husband is an alcoholic heīll want this attention for himself.

I know you canīt really fathom yet what life with a baby is like when youīre pregnant - itīs in your belly and it doesnīt seem like an actual person. My hope is that you will find support for yourself for when the baby is there, and understand that your husbandīs problems are his to deal with, you canīt burden yourself with them.
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Old 08-20-2016, 04:17 AM
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Thanks again for all the advice and help. If anyone sent me a PM apologies for the lack of replies! Apparently I have not posted enough yet to be allowed to reply.
Reading what everyone has said has made me think more about the things I need help with myself, (in particular time management/work-life balance). The extra sleep requirements of being pregnant aren't helping with that!! But I was finding it hard to cope with the housework beforehand anyway and that definitely won't get easier when the baby comes along!!

The point is though that there are personal issues I need some sort of therapy like CBT or Life-Coaching to help with. Maybe if my other half sees me taking steps to improve my own life-coping and sleep management skills, it will encourage him to take similar actions. If not, it should at least help me!! As someone above said this baby needs one reliable parent!
By the way I am in Ireland, not the UK. I must try to change the profile location info. I do feel more positive right now. I guess it was a relief to simply tell people my concerns.
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Old 08-20-2016, 04:41 AM
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I concur with what feelingGreat said...about the fact that he is beyond your being able to "help" him, yourself. That is why there are professional counselors and AA---who are much more equipped to help an alcoholic than you are.
You two are partners in life...you are not his therapist person...lol....

Baby has to be front and center, now. And, the best thing that you can do for baby is to take care of baby's mother!

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