Not sure what to do

Old 08-18-2016, 06:46 AM
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Not sure what to do

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting on this side of the forum. I'm usually in the Newcomers section. I am in the early stages of recovering from alcohol. I'll have 3 weeks on Sunday. But, I have also been in a relationship with an alcoholic.

My most recent ex BF is an alcoholic. I'll try to make a long story as short as possible. We met at the end of 2013. Soon into the relationship he started lashing out at me over things--certain male friends I have, movies and TV shows I like etc. He would get drunk often and go on tirades at me over the littlest things. Of course when he wasn't drunk, he would be amazing. It was really damaging to my mental and emotional stability for someone to profess their undying love one minute, then call me every awful thing the next. He would never help himself, even knowing his addiction was hurting me so much.

After a year of this, I finally got the nerve to say enough was enough, so I broke up with him in December 2014. From then til May 2015, he was emailing, texting, calling. Getting drunk and threatening suicide, threatening me, contacting my friends to tell them how awful I was, then trying to start fights with them. It was a mess. I went complete no contact in April 2015.

Fast forward to March 2016 and I had a weak moment and emailed him. I knew it was a bad idea a couple days later when he was professing his love still, but I hoped maybe we both changed some. Things were good for a while, then in June he got drunk and went off on me again. I realized then he had not and did not want to change. I told him we shouldn't talk anymore. That's when he went the route of guilting, shaming and blaming me again. I responded, like an idiot, and let out all the frustration I had pent up over the last year. After that conversation was done I went NC again.

I got an email last week, then today. He begged me to tell him I was ok with a paragraph letter. I said I'm fine. He said I'm discarding him again bc I get a thrill out of it, and not to reply bc he isnt chasing me anymore. He said one day I'll realize that no one will love me like that and I'll be hurting for the rest of my life. Dramatic of course.

I guess what I want to know is, is it right of me to go NC? I was the one to contact him after a year, as stupid as that was, I can't change it. But I feel like I gave him my reasoning already. I don't know, I'm afraid it is going to somehow jeopardize my sobriety to reply or stay in any kind of relationship with him, even as friends. Maybe I already know what I should do, I just needed to get it out.

Thanks for reading
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Old 08-18-2016, 06:59 AM
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Just because you made a single mistake by contacting him doesn't mean you are obligated to keep it up. Yes, you would be jeopardizing your sobriety (eight years sober here--or will be in a week), and also your sanity and safety.

Let it be done, go back to no contact, and if he persists, explore the possibility of a protective order.
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Old 08-18-2016, 08:38 AM
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Congrats on 3 weeks!

Maybe I already know what I should do
I think this is true. We get pretty good about arguing our gut instincts in the name of giving someone else the benefit of the doubt. This isn't necessarily a bad trait initially, but people like us have a tendency to do it over and over again despite the facts, and to our own detriment.

So - the facts are

He says he loves you.
He drinks, and you are newly sober.
2 months into reconnecting he became verbally abusive again.
This trait hasn't changed int he 2 years since he was verbally abusive to you before. (Drunken tirades are an abusive situation.)
He is blaming you for the relationship ending - again.

Listen to yourself - the you that wants to protect your sobriety and heal.

FWIW, there are studies that say that most addicts are codependent. Are you working a program? If not, maybe AA or Alanon might help you work on you. You deserve sobriety, and eventually a healthy partner.
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Old 08-18-2016, 09:03 AM
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I think you know the answer to your question, actually I KNOW you do.

Your sobriety needs to come FIRST- and he is mentally abusive and therefore he will bring you down and what happens when someone really chips away at our self esteem, confidence, and love for ourselves? We start to say "what is the point" and a lot of times, well most of the times, our sobriety goes right down the toilet.

I would go no contact, change my phone number, change my email and completely disconnect. If he continues to harass your friends then it might get to a point where friends and family will have to legally make him leave them alone. Contact on YOURSELF. You can not change him and you can not make him get sober. He is not a positive influence in your life at all and we need to surround ourselves with positive and healthy sober people not only in early sobriety but for the rest of our lives.
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Old 08-18-2016, 09:14 AM
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Personally I wouldn't, I was married almost 25 years then single for 7, met a lady and head over heels in Love, she knew I was in recovery yet within a couple of months she drank every night, took her to a Detox program I swear by, started drinking two weeks out, I was really torn then on a trip to Cuba it was more than I could handle and I relapsed, I left her after that and I did explain kindly why yet she continued to contact me for months, her two adult children stood behind me saying her drinking was always a concern to them.

Skip forward to today I have 18 months with a lady of my dreams and she doesn't drink, only reason is she doesn't like the taste, we have done more activities and trips in 18 months than my 24 years 11 months of marriage, never fight or argue and support each other every day.

In your shoes knowing the very little I do......I would keep looking as the risk is simply too high unless he has a long period of sobriety.

Andrew
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Old 08-18-2016, 10:44 AM
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Thanks for the responses everyone, it makes me feel a lot better about deciding to go NC. My sobriety is my main focus now and I have to keep it that way.

I am not in a program currently, but looking for a counselor who specializes in addiction. I haven't started going to AA though I know I should. I just have social anxiety so it's hard (I've been in the past). But I will suck it up, as long as it helps my sobriety.

I never thought about going to Al Anon, since I'm usually on the other side lol. It might be helpful. I don't know though. I feel like I pretty much understand the mind of an addict, being one myself, and we are no longer together so it doesn't affect my life on a daily basis, just when he wants to interrupt my serenity.

I definitely have not allowed myself to process how it's really affected me, just another thing to numb with drinking. And I think by doing that it has hindered me from fully moving on and healing...and then I end up with more emails and posting on here lol. It could be codependency, I have not really looked into that behavior.

I'm definitely not going to respond, and just work on me.
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Old 08-18-2016, 10:49 AM
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He said one day I'll realize that no one will love me like that

for which you can say Yes and THANK GOD! cuz if that was LOVE, who needs it!??

i had a man in my life for a lotta years, we were bestest buddies, but i always felt MORE. we had a final "break up" if you will about 13 years ago. and then a few years down the road, i started thinking maybe it would be ok to contact him and we could try to be friends again.

didn't quite go like that. and i had no choice but to return to no contact, block his number, the whole bit. he never changed....and it was quickly back to all the drama, the drunken phone calls, and i realized, AGAIN, that some things are really just best left in the past.
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