wpainterw

"Everyone's trying 'to get into the act!" said that famous piano man philosopher, Jimmy Durante. And did such "showboating" tend to lengthen his nose? As a result of recently been "cut down to size" by an irate poster I was purporting to "help", even being accused of being a subtle, devious and covert AA proselytizer, I found myself undergoing a much needed self scrutiny. Are my professed motives in seeking to "help" others merely pretentious posturing, a self styled effort to help others "get better", a game of "I'm all right. Let me help you be like me!"
Only the often controversial "Higher Power" knows the answer. Not the odious "doorknob" (why no mention of the evil, menacing "bedpost'?). But rather that nameless inscrutable Tao which underlies all things. Thought by some to be benevolent (Bergson), others demonic (Schopenhauer).
As I approach the age when Death becomes more likely it becomes increasingly impossible to avoid thinking of what may happen. What will become of "me". I find some consolation in the possibility, suggested by some recent scientific research, that "me" is but a cerebral construct, the byproduct of a network of neurons, which, like the lights Europe before WW 1, go out one by one, leaving nothing behind. That at least is a guarantee of no suffering.
A thousand pardons. It is 3:00 a.m. As the poet said, "I grow old, I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled...."

Bill

IvanMike

Always food for thought.

I've been assured that my motives will never be 100% pure, but I believe when I share my experience it is as close to pure as it can get.

When you've climbed out of a burning building it hurts to watch others sitting in that same structure, calmly watching TV while dying of smoke inhalation, refusing to use the fire escape. I don't think that it's self-aggrandizing to point out to them that, despite the burn marks, you're on safe ground today as a result of using the emergency exit...

Not sure what will become of you (or I) when we cross to the other side of the veil, but your impact here and elsewhere will live on, granting you a type of immortality.

MrPL

I'm with IvanMike on this one.

From my humble perspective of someone new to this forum and to structured recovery I found every story helpful. They can remind me of something I did, advise me on something that could happen and most importantly choosing my recovery path by combining the right bits and pieces from everyone else's.

When I consider myself as close to recovered as I think one can get, I will surely be sharing my story too.

P

August252015

Interesting.

Sometimes I wonder if I come across as a know it all, or overly adamant AA-er .... but then I think of my intent, which is to share ESH and not to harm or belittle others AND that I cannot ascribe emotions or reactions to anyone else. So I let it be.

I, too, get the overwhelming feeling to scream "STOP DRINKING!!!" when i read some posts and sometimes I just have to stop reading them, for my sake and serenity. I can't do you, I gotta do me. And I hope you're with me on the recovery side of the road.

january161992

lots of pride in the rooms

i fit right in

EndGameNYC

The combined gift and burden of being able to help other people carries with it a sense of achievement and personal satisfaction, even when things don't work out well. Without this, there are many who would simply give up. Knowing why we're doing the helping is rarely as important as actually doing the helping, particularly for the people who receive the help, and never, in itself, actually helps anyone.

FLCamper

If you weren't going to convince others to be like you, what would that say about you?

LostManhattan

Hi Bill

I always find your posts intriguing & interesting. I'm a bit smitten with your intellect.

Okay, a little friendly "poke" at you (LOL) I don't think most peeps here know who Jimmy Durante is, he's just a fuzzy image from my past

You're not a showboater. You are just a genuine guy.

Self scrutiny is a valid pursuit; overthinking is not. I think I understand the end of life musings, but you are here, you made roll call, bring it on.

IvanMike

Hah-cha-cha-cha

wpainterw

Jimmy Durante was the old "schnozzola". De guy wid de nose. De guy at de piano who would say "wackado! wackado! Yowzal! Yowzal!"
Now all you peeps out deah . Youse know who de schnozz wuz!

Bill

wpainterw

It would say, "There goes a guy who says "I want you to be yourself. Your real self. Stick your AV down an oubliette." Google "oubliette"

fini

Bill, your musings on the death of me, i mean : death of "me", reminds me of a book about just that, which i read years ago. you might check it out:
Stephen Levine "Who Dies?"

MythOfSisyphus

Great post, Bill. First off I don't think any of us or perfect, nor are our motives perfect. We flawed animals have to do the best we can with what we have to work with. We're social primates; it's hard to tell where we end and others begin. I think we're more interconnected than most of us suspect, even me, a notoriously asocial person. Sometimes you have to stop second guessing yourself and admit that even if you don't always know all the answers you're doing what you can.

I personally think it's true that we die twice, once when our bodies fail and again when our names are spoken for the last time. While it would be nice to imagine that my impact on the world will be positive and lasting if I'm being honest I must admit that I'm just a small pebble dropping into a very large pond. Any small ripples I leave behind will quickly fade into the glassy smooth surface of the water. I guess I'm okay with that, though. In the time I have in this world I will wonder at the beauty and sadness of it and try to leave it better than I found it as best as I can.

I think you're name will reverberate for a long time, Bill. You may have started out on the wrong foot (with booze, like the rest of us) but I think you've proven that there are indeed second acts in American life!

wpainterw

Hey, all youse out deh! I know I'm an old geezer and date back to when you were merely a gleam in your daddy's eye. If I make an occasional inscrutable reference to 'like" W.C. Fields, Proust, Dr. Johnson's other cat (Lily, daughter of Oscar), Mary Wortley Montague, having a love-hate feeling for what she called the "odious little toad", Alexander Pope (a poet, and so put his portrait on the bottom of her chamberpot, and another poet, Byron's, ancestor lying on the floor, running cockroach races on his stomach. I say, if these references trouble you and you very rightly question my sanity, consult Google, and Wikipedia, who know all things, or think they know. Good luck!

Bill.

thomas11

Love your posts Bill. You must have a library of great books and movies in your home. As I've mentioned before, your posts always send me down the rabbit hole. I hope you are well.

Austin4Wyo

I get into this spot, too. Questioning my own motives when someone externally questions them. However, if I'm genuine in my self-examination, and I see no malice or pride motivating my "contributions," then I'm at peace. My heart and mind are mine, and if someone else interprets my words or actions differently than I and God know them to be, that's their business, not mine.

I take what I like, I leave the rest, and I mind my own business. Most days, that's more than good enough for the cows and me.

The saw about someone telling you that you look like a horse comes to mind...if three impartial or trusted people say you look like a horse, buy a saddle. The corallary is that if three impartial or trusted people say you're doing okay, then you're probably doing okay.

wpainterw

If three impartial or trusted people say you look like a dog, be careful who you lift your leg on!

W.

wpainterw

Well if you go down the rabbit hole you don't have to go through the Looking Glass. Actually the rabbit hole that Alice went down was vertical. I don't think that rabbits really dig vertical holes. More horizontal with furniture inside, like the River Rat in the Wind in the Willows? My favorite animal is Mr. Toad. A role model for many these days I would think. More popular in rural areas. I like Owl in the Pooh series but he's a bit pretentious. Obviously an academic. Harvard? Well maybe Oxford. Eeyore needs Prozac. Was he suicidal? Rabbit is a compulsive obsessive perfectionist. Like an overpaid CEO. Managing everything and often confusing everyone. An obvious candidate for alcoholism. Should be closely watched since he might be running a Ponzi scheme. Where is Piglet's mother, father? A homeless waif. Finally Pooh, the harmless bystander. A bit feckless but lovable in a way. Would it help if he got married? Probably not. Absent minded. May have attention deficit syndrome. Was Dorothy Parker right that the whole bunch made her want to throw up? Cynical New York sophisticate. I think it's wiser to stick with the animals.

madgirl

I cling to recovery stories and often mull over the counsel offered by those of you with long term sobriety throughout my days - so even if you feel like there is a bit of boasting along with the counsel, it was hard won. I am so grateful for the smart and faithful alcoholics who give so much time and attention to us newbies. You do a beautiful thing here.

wpainterw

mad girl: I love your dog avatar. Like the late Caroline Knapp I am hopelessly addicted to dogs. Love, forgiveness, understanding, beauty are in their eyes. Windows to something very precious. I would that a dog became President of the U.S. Which breed would you choose?

Bill.