Bluehawaii

Those who heard my past posts know my story.
I haven't had physical contact with my ad since she punched me , stole my car and put her fist through bathroom door while I hid in terror waiting for police to come .
She ran up to me last Sunday in church to say hi and talk a bit but that was it for contact in a month.
Today she wanted to come use the computer for homework in which I said no and resulted in threats , blackmail and a tongue lashing by her.
She has said she is sorry and knows God forgives her but is not going to be reminded of her past by me.
I still feel she is not sorry and although I will talk with her I don't want to see her.
I was really terrified by her and Iam truly scared to be with her even though she can be sweet and charming.
When should I see her again?
Is this a good idea to distant myself or does it just cause more chaos ?
Any advice would be appreciated and please know she is as sweet as can be when not drinking .
And I'm worried she really has some mental health issues and doesn't get I don't want to see her and she turns it around and says she doesn't want to see me.
Any advice is appreciated,
Thanks!

FeelingGreat

Hi Blue, if you don't want to see her you have no obligation at all. She wanted to come and use the computer, not to work things out with you, and when you said no to her, immediately relapsed into abuse. If she really was sorry you would have heard an apology, not abuse.
The God forgives me thing is pure hypocrisy because it just lets her off the hook as far as seeking your forgiveness.
On top of that there is the possibility she may become violent again. Let her father sort out her computer needs for now. Hopefully time will change her attitude, but now isn't the time to let her into your private home without supervision.

dandylion

Bluehawaii.....my advice is to detach (distance) yourself from now into infinity.
I don't know about possible mental health issue, but I remember that she was drinking alcohol and (doing drugs?)......
BEING SOBER IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING IN RECOVERY.
I've heard, so many times, from alcoholics--that it is a disease of thinking..as much as drinking.....
Genuine recovery requires intensive work...consistently. and one has to adhere to their program of recovery and the principles for the rest of their lives.
She still has the addict thinking---as evidenced by the way she responded when you told her "no" to something she wanted...
That is known as King Baby behavior in recovery circles. Not being able to deal with life on life's terms..... "I want what I want and I want it now!"....just like a 4yr/ old. Actually, 4yr. olds usually handle "no" more maturely than that...lol...

People who are in genuine recovery...look like recovery...they are humble and they are considerate of others and they are honest in all of their dealings.
You can feel the difference in them. It doesn't mean that they "are as sweet as can be"...when they are "sober".....

I would predict that it will be a couple of years...of consistant sobriety AND working the steps...before you start to see the signs of significant change.....

I would say to work your own program of detachment...through alanon and your own personal therapist....
Detachment with a family member is harder than with a spouse, in my opinion....
How much detachment?,,,,I say, as much as it takes for y ou to feel comfortable!
Detachment is for your own peace....
Be warned--she may protest loudly---and insult you and blame you and threaten to reject you...which is hard for a mother to bear....that is why you MUST have your own program!!!

You cannot let yourself to be taken in by her intermittent "sweetness and charm".....that is what they use to manipulate the feelings of others...especially GUILT.

If a person is good to their dog for 6 days each week...but, kicks the hell out of it on Sundays....we don't consider them a good dog owner....we say that they abuse dogs.....

It is up to you to make the boundary...and enforce it. A boundry isn't worth anything if you don't enforce it ALL of the time....

From what you have written...I think a boundary of not seeing her in person....but, talking to her on the phone/text/e-mail, etc.....as long as she is respectful as a daughter should be...might be a good boundary for now.....

dandylion

Berrybean

I agree that boundaries are needed here. Ones that will keep you safe.
It doesn't sound to me like she's actually progressed so very far in a program of recovery yet. Hopefully, once she has done so she will be able, even to find more acceptance of life on life's terms, and not getting what she wants when she wants it won't send her into Brat mode. As someone who works hard on my recovery, I recognise that trait far too easily for my comfort, as this was pretty much how I functioned for decades. Ie if sweetness and light don't get me what I want, let's try darkness and terror on for size. And I was also guilty of hearing what suited me in church as well. I was all for the forgiveness part, but kind of skimmed over the repentance side of things. If i said I was sorry in a prayer, I thought that was enough. *blush*. I hope that she is getting some help in recovery and will be able to learn a different way of thinking.

In the meantime your home needs to be your safe place, and until you feel you can 100% trust her it's not appropriate for her to be there. Certainly without other people around.

I hope there is a turning point soon.

Mountainmanbob

Love shows love most all of the time.
Sounds like more drama shown than love?
If so?
An escape plan may be in order?
M-Bob

LexieCat

I wouldn't allow her into your house--certainly not alone. She is dangerous and she scares you. Anything she SAYS is beside the point.

Momentarily being not under the influence doesn't make her safe to be around. Whether God forgives her is also beside the point. And there's nothing wrong with YOUR forgiving her, either--forgiveness doesn't mean you knowingly put yourself in danger. You don't have to hate her to refuse to have contact with her for your own safety and well-being. You can love her and still protect yourself.

Bluehawaii

FG thank you for this....your words hit home she wanted to use the computer not work things out with you...my goodness that is so obvious yet I never saw that. She has asked me to do her hair and dye her eyebrows as well go for super over the past 3 weeks...interesting all her wanting something from me...I have not given in to any of it.

Bluehawaii

Thank you dandylion!! I will post this on my fridge and it is exactly what I needed to hear. My hubby as you know played the sickly sweet charm to me always while using our AD to be his words and fists. She felt she had to defend him ...they are both now ganging up on me saying I kick everyone out and I think I am high and mighty and blameless. They are grabbing at anything and I am NOT playing anymore. As far as my daughter is concerned...I have no idea where the strength is coming from but must be from God because I have not wanted to see her since her attack on me. It finally hit home to me I could have died and IAM NOT OVERREACTING .

Bluehawaii

Thank you so much for your wisdom. I appreciate it. I did talk to her about repentance and what that looks like. She of course didn't like that but I seemed to break through when I asked her if she thought God was ok with her and her Dad ganging up on me. She said no. And seemed to soften for a bit. She also found a place with 2 other girls and could have moved in with RAH and his mother where she would have had her own way and been pt on a pedestal but she chose not too. That was a good step that gives me a bit of hope.

Bluehawaii

THANK YOU Drama bigtime!

Bluehawaii

Thanks Lexi that is what I am learning from all the help here.,I think it has started to sink in and I am starting to see things a lot clearer.

Ariesagain

If a stranger punched you, stole from you, and terrorized you in your own home...would you let them come back in?

Your family, at the very least, should care about your wellbeing more than a violent stranger. Your daughter does not.

atalose

For the longest time I used to think that you had to accept unacceptable behavior from family. That you had to be tolerant of their issues and to be kind and understanding towards them. That their feelings mattered at times more so then my own. That you forgive and forget because they are FAMILY.

I’ve since learned a healthier way which is unacceptable is always unacceptable and that family is not a license for abuse of any kind for any reason.

As we say around here all the time…………..actions NOT words are what matter the most.

Her actions of verbal abuse towards you upon hearing the word “no” is unacceptable. The show she put on in church was erased by her actions.

Distance is your medicine right now even if you don’t like the taste of it, it will do your mind and body good!!!

Bluehawaii

Hmmmm....food for thought!
Thanks

Bluehawaii

I'm getting that from everyone,everything I read...actions NOT words...
I'm learning...slowly but learning.

minime13

I can't speak for you or anyone, but do you know what I have learned about sorry? I've learned what it means - nothing.

Remorse that leads to making amends means something to me. Saying sorry, in my opinion, is an easy way out. Showing remorse and making amends really takes courage - it takes courage to admit the things you did wrong and putting real effort into not committing those wrongs again. Apologies don't do that, for me at least. Anyone can apologize. Anyone can say I'm sorry. But, real remorse and real amends takes it a step further, to where I know I can take it seriously again.

Otherwise, what's different?

I don't think your actions are wrong at all. People that have done wrong will have to learn that they have to prove themselves once they make their words meaningless. Sometimes that is a hard lesson to learn, but holding her accountable the way you are is a good step toward learning that.