JamesfrmEngland

When I am drinking I want to be sober most of the time, and then when I'm sober I want to drink. I am quite ambivalent about it all really. I attend a rehab centre Mon-Fri from 10am-4.30pm and have done for a while. If I ask myself deep down I think I want to be sober but I am not sure. I have been irritable all today and yesterday too, I was in rehab and I found the people there annoying and thought "god I need a drink," we were doing a class on triggers, and the class made me feel like a drink. I have been reading Rational Recovery up to the chapter where it says something like 'are you ready to stop, if not have as much fun as you can' and come back later, I read a bit more up until the chapter before 'big plan' and I can recognise my AV from my rational one but I have indulged my AV because I knew what it was doing I just wanted the pleasure of drinking I guess. I wanted to have another drink before the big plan in case I could never have a drink again. I aim to restart tomorrow, but I am always in two minds about whether I really want to stop. I am not posting for self-pity or whatever, just some accountability to say I tried and failed after 10 days.

january161992

i joined aa for the socializing and i generally like all the crazy stories

after a while i took my last drink then a few weeks later my last drug and then got a real correct and honest sobriety date

each person finds their own path

God bless

Mountainmanbob

I found this to work well for me in the past.

Start again down the sober road and this time shoot for 11 days.

M-Bob

JamesfrmEngland

Thanks good idea

Anna

James, I don't think ambivalence is going to help you stay sober and recover. Motivation is a must.

cwood3

Starting again is better than not starting again? I am starting too (day 4). We can do it.

Rubyx

We sound a lot alike you and I. I think the important thing to remember is that there is a reason why you have been trying to quit in the first place that will help you to find and keep your motivation. I find it scary when I start thinking about NEVER drinking again and it becomes overwhelming. I guess that's why they say one day at a time. Like someone else said, go for 11 days next time.

Linz805

I hear what you are saying. I'm just past 6 weeks and the thought "can I really do this" " do I really want to do this". Both of those answers are yes, however it still doesn't feel like a concrete type thought. I suppose that is where one day at a time comes in. I'm sure I won't drink today. That is all.

venuscat

I think that ambivalence is a luxury James ~ one I no longer had when I had lost almost everything I could possibly lose. That was a dark and scary place, and I came here on my hands and knees, as they say, very very broken.

Thinking of you. ♥

sugarbear1

Here's a little story....."It's a beautiful Saturday morning, a person wake ups, looks outside the window and notices that the grass is way too long......

A 'normal' drinker or 'non-drinker' looks outside and realizes that the grass must be cut, goes outside soon and cuts it. Job done.

An alcoholic looks outside and realizes that the grass must be cut and doesn't 'feel' like cutting it, so he putters around the house and doesn't cut the grass. Job on hold."

Alcoholics tend to base what they do or don't do on their feelings. Normies don't do this, they act no matter how they feel about things because "It's the Right Thing To Do."

When you are ready, you might decide to do the right thing for you and try abstinence.

I support whatever it is you are trying to do!!

With love and hugs,
~SB

Dee74

I think this is the root of the problem.

Change can be terrifying - but if you look around you'll find a lot of recovery success stories here - if getting sober is a leap into the unknown the overwhelming evidence is it's a pretty safe leap.

My life has improved a millionfold since I quit drinking.

The early transition phase is hard - I had to learn other ways to deal with my problems and my desires.

Changing my lifestyle was hard too.

I had to look at how I defined myself. A drinker who no longer drinks needs to find a new 'me' and often, new mates and new ideas of fun.

Fortunately I rediscovered a me I'd completely forgotten about - & I found out who my real mates were, I made new ones, and I left drinking behind for good.

What method you choose is up to you, but the commitment needs to be there.

If you know you want to be sober on some level, think about whats holding you back?

D