baxter

I'm just sick, angry, can't sleep, grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Haven't been here for awhile. Since being able to make it through granddaughter's graduation I've had the luxury of not having to have any more contact with AD. Younger granddaughter spends weekends with us at our camp and she calls to talk to her and just hearing her voice for those few minutes tends to get my whole body tense.

So, I have a friend who works at our town court. She sends me a message the other night saying that AD had showed up in court and had her drivers license. Come to find out it's just a learner's permit. Now, AD had close to $2,000 in various fines along with a DWI. She's had these fines for years but with her sense of entitlement just drives around anyways. Got caught, court ordered that the charge will be dropped when she gets a license, she has postponed court for months, since she can't get a license until fines are paid. She has a final eviction notice, cable turned off, etc. but POOF all of a sudden she comes up with close to $2,000 - something wasn't adding up.

I called my oldest daughter and told her about the permit. She told me to wait a minute and she'd call me right back. Yep, my AD was relentless until she got over half her daughter's graduation money. Not to pay rent, not for the bills but for her license. I'm sure she'll get the rest for bills.

I just cried - my poor grandbaby doesn't want anyone to know, Lord knows I know what she went through, been there and did the same thing, cause her Mom promised to pay her back. Yeah, like the thousands she's got from all the family.

I just want to punch my AD right in the face!

Sissyfuss

So sorry for your situation, Baxter and my heart hurts for your grandchild. Your daughter is sick, she has a disease that doesn't allow her to make good decisions or treat her daughter with the love and respect she needs. I am struggling with a similar problem, an AD and 3 precious children. Letting go and letting God helps but I am at the ready should AD's progressive disease progress to the point she can no longer function as a parent. Alanon has helped me immensely especially with the anger that only makes things more difficult. Huge hugs and prayers being sent.

dandylion

baxter.....I know the pain and anguish that this must cause you.....
You are a blessing in your granddaughter's life....
You have more of an impact on her than you probably realize!

Sending you support!

dandylion

baxter

I think the frustrating part is that the day of graduation, I took granddaughter aside and told her I was so afraid that this would happen. Told granddaughter that if it got to that point, to walk away, pack up her stuff and move to her dad's and that it wasn't her responsibility to look after her younger sister. Call us and we'd all step in, etc.

I know, that within a year, this license will be gone. Money down the drain. Money we gave to our granddaughter, saved for her since the day she was born, it feels like she stole from us again. I know that AD will be relentless until she gets the other half of the money, using the excuse that she needs a car to get her life back on track.

Angry at myself for being in granddaughter's place for so many years.

LexieCat

Where is the money? Is it in your daughter's bank account, or your granddaughter's? If it's in your granddaughter's account, maybe she can give it back to you to hold for her until she needs it for something.

It's awful what some alcoholics do to their families. Sending hugs.

atalose

I’m sure your granddaughter feels a sense of responsibility to stay for the sake of the younger sister. And I’m sure she feels a sense of responsibility to her mother as well. Handing over the remainder of her graduation money might make her feel she is helping her mother when the fact is all that would do is continue the cycle of enabling her disease.

Has your granddaughter had any counseling or al-anon/al-ateen? Has her father or anyone stepped in to help her keep the remainder of her money by opening a bank account with a guardian assigned to the account?

Your AD has stolen from everyone in the family, have any of you filed charges against her? Sued her for the money? It really doesn’t come down to the $ as much as it comes down to taking a real stand by allowing her real consequences to her actions.

When addicts know they can get away with stealing from family they will continue to do so.

You said you’ve had years of this, it’s sad to think it’s just the beginning of years of this for your granddaughter unless she does something different then what you did.

LexieCat

The problem is that if the money was a gift to the granddaughter, she can do what she wants to with it--including giving it to her mom. Unless the "victim" is mentally incompetent, there's no law against being manipulative to get people to give you money. So technically, in this case, there is no "theft" (in the criminal charging sense of the word), though it might be the moral equivalent.

dandylion

Welll. maybe the mother can't be arrested for "stealing" the money...but, Karma sure a hell can take a chunk out of her ass for doing it!!

dandylion

baxter

You're right - it isn't stealing from her, frustrating as it is. I feel so sorry for granddaughter, I've been in her place. I fell for all the hard luck stories and always thought this would be the last time. She did steal from her grandmother, almost $10,000 by the time late fees and fines were added on. No matter how hard we tried, and lawyers and banks tried to talk her into it, my mom wouldn't file charges.

baxter

On the plus side, granddaughter starts college next week, majoring in psychology.

atalose

That is a really good on the plus side!