Family session with the rehab counsellor
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
Family session with the rehab counsellor
Hi All:
I'm new to the site and I'm so glad I found it because I am seeing so much helpful info that I don't even know where to start.
My AH of 16 years is finally in a rehab for the first time. I think he went really because he was out of the house, without a job and drinking himself into oblivion and didn't have a choice. I'm not sure that he is there because he wants to be.
He is saying he wants to check himself out of there this coming Thursday well in advance of the full 30 days that they are recommending.
We have a family session on the phone with his counselor tomorrow morning and I am just wondering what I should expect with that. He received an impact letter from me last week (requested by the counselor) and he was not one bit happy. He said I was kicking him while he was down.
I am curious to know what the family session might be about. I don't know which end is up at the moment and I am trying to put myself first so I'm not sure how much I can help him.
I am in Al Anon and it is my lifesaver.
thank you for any insight on tomorrow's call.
I'm new to the site and I'm so glad I found it because I am seeing so much helpful info that I don't even know where to start.
My AH of 16 years is finally in a rehab for the first time. I think he went really because he was out of the house, without a job and drinking himself into oblivion and didn't have a choice. I'm not sure that he is there because he wants to be.
He is saying he wants to check himself out of there this coming Thursday well in advance of the full 30 days that they are recommending.
We have a family session on the phone with his counselor tomorrow morning and I am just wondering what I should expect with that. He received an impact letter from me last week (requested by the counselor) and he was not one bit happy. He said I was kicking him while he was down.
I am curious to know what the family session might be about. I don't know which end is up at the moment and I am trying to put myself first so I'm not sure how much I can help him.
I am in Al Anon and it is my lifesaver.
thank you for any insight on tomorrow's call.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
"What to expect" really depends on the place and their philosophy. Some will suggest that you bend over backward to accommodate his delicate state of recovery. Others will be more supportive of you.
Is he under any expectation that you will take him back into the home when he leaves? This is the time to make it abundantly clear that until he is SOLIDLY into his recovery he isn't coming home.
Is he under any expectation that you will take him back into the home when he leaves? This is the time to make it abundantly clear that until he is SOLIDLY into his recovery he isn't coming home.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
I'm not sure what he thinks at all. I spoke to him on Saturday and asked him where he would be staying when he gets back. He said he will figure that out when he gets back but just HAS to see our son as soon as he returns.
Its been such a crazy 5 or 6 weeks. I left our house and was gone for 3 weeks before he ended up asking some friends for help. I'm really struggling with making a decision to allow him back or to say no. I'm not even sure what the right thing is anymore.
I do know that my son (who is 10) has been though a lot in the last few weeks so I nee to really do my very best to make a good decision for his well being.
Its been such a crazy 5 or 6 weeks. I left our house and was gone for 3 weeks before he ended up asking some friends for help. I'm really struggling with making a decision to allow him back or to say no. I'm not even sure what the right thing is anymore.
I do know that my son (who is 10) has been though a lot in the last few weeks so I nee to really do my very best to make a good decision for his well being.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
I am in recovery myself and did the 28 day program 3 1/2 years ago which I believe saved my life, changed my thinking and helped me get to the roots of issues and why I drank. IMHO and experience because prior to this I had been in and out of detox many, many times but just to dry up or appease family.....IMHO that doesn't work. We need to stay the course, take in as much as we can, get a counselor in place for when we get out and the number one thing is to have a plan to never drink again.
As for the call at least here, they will ask about your observations and your AH's history, how you may feel, how you may feel about when he comes home, what to look out for as we mentally relapse before we actually drink, they (again at least here) tell you what to watch for.
Just my opinion but in your shoes I would want to see his recovery plan and someone who is very serious about recovery and the relationship would show it to you.
All the best
Andrew
As for the call at least here, they will ask about your observations and your AH's history, how you may feel, how you may feel about when he comes home, what to look out for as we mentally relapse before we actually drink, they (again at least here) tell you what to watch for.
Just my opinion but in your shoes I would want to see his recovery plan and someone who is very serious about recovery and the relationship would show it to you.
All the best
Andrew
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
No matter what the counselor says keep it about YOU and YOUR future. Use I statements…..
I will no longer live with active alcoholism.
I will no longer live with the stress, anxiety and chaos active alcoholism brings.
I have found al-anon and I am committed to my own recovery.
I will not commit to his return until I am ready and until I have witnessed true recovery for a substantial time period.
Never set a date or a certain amount of months, all that usually does for someone who is NOT willing to truly seek recovery is time to manipulate and con so they can get right back to where they were drinking most comfortably – at home with someone else paying the bills and handling all responsibilities.
And don’t hesitate to hang up if it turns ugly, your responses have nothing at all to do with HIS choice for recovery or not.
I will no longer live with active alcoholism.
I will no longer live with the stress, anxiety and chaos active alcoholism brings.
I have found al-anon and I am committed to my own recovery.
I will not commit to his return until I am ready and until I have witnessed true recovery for a substantial time period.
Never set a date or a certain amount of months, all that usually does for someone who is NOT willing to truly seek recovery is time to manipulate and con so they can get right back to where they were drinking most comfortably – at home with someone else paying the bills and handling all responsibilities.
And don’t hesitate to hang up if it turns ugly, your responses have nothing at all to do with HIS choice for recovery or not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by ALinNS 
I am in recovery myself and did the 28 day program 3 1/2 years ago which I believe saved my life, changed my thinking and helped me get to the roots of issues and why I drank. IMHO and experience because prior to this I had been in and out of detox many, many times but just to dry up or appease family.....IMHO that doesn't work. We need to stay the course, take in as much as we can, get a counselor in place for when we get out and the number one thing is to have a plan to never drink again.
As for the call at least here, they will ask about your observations and your AH's history, how you may feel, how you may feel about when he comes home, what to look out for as we mentally relapse before we actually drink, they (again at least here) tell you what to watch for.
Just my opinion but in your shoes I would want to see his recovery plan and someone who is very serious about recovery and the relationship would show it to you.
All the best
Andrew
As for the call at least here, they will ask about your observations and your AH's history, how you may feel, how you may feel about when he comes home, what to look out for as we mentally relapse before we actually drink, they (again at least here) tell you what to watch for.
Just my opinion but in your shoes I would want to see his recovery plan and someone who is very serious about recovery and the relationship would show it to you.
All the best
Andrew
thank you so much, I appreciate your insight.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by atalose
No matter what the counselor says keep it about YOU and YOUR future. Use I statements…..
I will no longer live with active alcoholism.
I will no longer live with the stress, anxiety and chaos active alcoholism brings.
I have found al-anon and I am committed to my own recovery.
I will not commit to his return until I am ready and until I have witnessed true recovery for a substantial time period.
Never set a date or a certain amount of months, all that usually does for someone who is NOT willing to truly seek recovery is time to manipulate and con so they can get right back to where they were drinking most comfortably – at home with someone else paying the bills and handling all responsibilities.
And don’t hesitate to hang up if it turns ugly, your responses have nothing at all to do with HIS choice for recovery or not.
I will no longer live with active alcoholism.
I will no longer live with the stress, anxiety and chaos active alcoholism brings.
I have found al-anon and I am committed to my own recovery.
I will not commit to his return until I am ready and until I have witnessed true recovery for a substantial time period.
Never set a date or a certain amount of months, all that usually does for someone who is NOT willing to truly seek recovery is time to manipulate and con so they can get right back to where they were drinking most comfortably – at home with someone else paying the bills and handling all responsibilities.
And don’t hesitate to hang up if it turns ugly, your responses have nothing at all to do with HIS choice for recovery or not.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i would make sure that the counselor KNOWS he plans to leave early.....and clearly state YOUR thoughts on that.
i don't think it is often helpful for anyone to have the addict/alcoholic return to the home when there was so much chaos, disruption, and then the addict BAILS on rehab. your home should be a place of peace and sanctuary - not a bar, or a detox center.
you are wise to protect your son in all of this to the best of your ability.
please note the progression here.....your AH has a serious drinking problem, has no job, was removed from the home, and went into a real tailspin. finally reached out for HELP, and got himself into treatment. but upon reading YOUR impact letter, and how all of this has affected YOU, he got mad and now wants to leave rehab early. under the guise of "needing" to see his son.
BS - if his son was REALLY his motivating factor, he's be embracing recovery for all he's worth, he'd want to stay LONGER at treatment, so he'd have the BEST chance possible to stay sober and be the best person, parent and partner he CAN be.
shields up, my friend.
i don't think it is often helpful for anyone to have the addict/alcoholic return to the home when there was so much chaos, disruption, and then the addict BAILS on rehab. your home should be a place of peace and sanctuary - not a bar, or a detox center.
you are wise to protect your son in all of this to the best of your ability.
please note the progression here.....your AH has a serious drinking problem, has no job, was removed from the home, and went into a real tailspin. finally reached out for HELP, and got himself into treatment. but upon reading YOUR impact letter, and how all of this has affected YOU, he got mad and now wants to leave rehab early. under the guise of "needing" to see his son.
BS - if his son was REALLY his motivating factor, he's be embracing recovery for all he's worth, he'd want to stay LONGER at treatment, so he'd have the BEST chance possible to stay sober and be the best person, parent and partner he CAN be.
shields up, my friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
Wow. Thank you so much for your reply. You have really made me see it more clearly. If course I'm left wondering why I needed you to point all of that out to me and I just couldn't see it for myself.
You are 100 percent correct.. I'm hoping that my recovery in time will bring me that kind of clarity on things.
You are 100 percent correct.. I'm hoping that my recovery in time will bring me that kind of clarity on things.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
I let my alcoholic back into my home after he was gone for nearly a year. All the same problems exist that existed before. He has never made amends for how he bahaved/behaves. Simply put, he is a selfish addict, who is comfortable having someone else foot the bill while he sits back on easy street.
I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you what I wished I would have done. I wish when he needed a place to go after losing his home (that his mother paid for) that I would have had enough common sense to just say NO. Better people than he, have slept on the street or in their car. I know that if I stay with him forever, that the problems will be perpetual and my life will have no happiness and no meaning in terms of having a consensual relationship with a man who loves me. I am better than that, and I deserve better than that.
Sending you love and positive thoughts into the universe.
I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you what I wished I would have done. I wish when he needed a place to go after losing his home (that his mother paid for) that I would have had enough common sense to just say NO. Better people than he, have slept on the street or in their car. I know that if I stay with him forever, that the problems will be perpetual and my life will have no happiness and no meaning in terms of having a consensual relationship with a man who loves me. I am better than that, and I deserve better than that.
Sending you love and positive thoughts into the universe.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: grateful where at
Posts: 52
Hope this isn't rude. His brain still has alcohol in it. This isn't recovery it's the tip of a huge iceberg he needs to climb. I agree if he thought of your son he woukd stay in rehab. Do the hard work recovery takes. But I don't think those thoughts have even entered his mind. You and your son have ALOT of healing to do. My son is 27 mths sober and we are still healing. Our family has learned communication and know it's taken every cell in his body to stay sober. I think not drinking is the easy part . being in recovery and changing and accepting responsibility that takes alot of growing up.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Originally Posted by letitend
I let my alcoholic back into my home after he was gone for nearly a year. All the same problems exist that existed before. He has never made amends for how he bahaved/behaves. Simply put, he is a selfish addict, who is comfortable having someone else foot the bill while he sits back on easy street.
I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you what I wished I would have done. I wish when he needed a place to go after losing his home (that his mother paid for) that I would have had enough common sense to just say NO. Better people than he, have slept on the street or in their car. I know that if I stay with him forever, that the problems will be perpetual and my life will have no happiness and no meaning in terms of having a consensual relationship with a man who loves me. I am better than that, and I deserve better than that.
Sending you love and positive thoughts into the universe.
I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you what I wished I would have done. I wish when he needed a place to go after losing his home (that his mother paid for) that I would have had enough common sense to just say NO. Better people than he, have slept on the street or in their car. I know that if I stay with him forever, that the problems will be perpetual and my life will have no happiness and no meaning in terms of having a consensual relationship with a man who loves me. I am better than that, and I deserve better than that.
Sending you love and positive thoughts into the universe.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by daisy6234
Hope this isn't rude. His brain still has alcohol in it. This isn't recovery it's the tip of a huge iceberg he needs to climb. I agree if he thought of your son he woukd stay in rehab. Do the hard work recovery takes. But I don't think those thoughts have even entered his mind. You and your son have ALOT of healing to do. My son is 27 mths sober and we are still healing. Our family has learned communication and know it's taken every cell in his body to stay sober. I think not drinking is the easy part . being in recovery and changing and accepting responsibility that takes alot of growing up.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
My STBXAH checked himself out of IOP after only a week....said he wasn't getting anything out of hearing others stories etc etc. Promised me he was going to get intense therapy on his own and would do frequent drug tests. It's been three months since that and I haven't seen anything happen. As I was told sober LOOKS sober. Always look at what he does not what he says and that will give you your answers.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Originally Posted by Sunshine1234
My STBXAH checked himself out of IOP after only a week....said he wasn't getting anything out of hearing others stories etc etc. Promised me he was going to get intense therapy on his own and would do frequent drug tests. It's been three months since that and I haven't seen anything happen. As I was told sober LOOKS sober. Always look at what he does not what he says and that will give you your answers.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
The phone call did not go well. He is still adamant about leaving there on Thursday. The rehab will not buy him a ticket and I told him that I wouldn't either.
He basically listed out all that he has been through in the last few weeks. He sounded very angry without really saying why. He was in disbelief that I won't buy him a ticket home or put money in his account and was angry that I am breaking up our home. He said that it would be my fault if our son ended up having to see a therapist because I am breaking up our home.
He cannot take responsibility and there is that constant anger at me and blaming of me for all that has happened.
I'm still praying that he stays ugh. It's gonna get worse I think.
He basically listed out all that he has been through in the last few weeks. He sounded very angry without really saying why. He was in disbelief that I won't buy him a ticket home or put money in his account and was angry that I am breaking up our home. He said that it would be my fault if our son ended up having to see a therapist because I am breaking up our home.
He cannot take responsibility and there is that constant anger at me and blaming of me for all that has happened.
I'm still praying that he stays ugh. It's gonna get worse I think.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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In one of my own threads a couple of weeks ago, I stated that I too feared of "breaking up the home". Then I realized that it was already broken by the addiction, and I needed to build up and repair a place of peacefulness for me and DS.
The home is already broken by his actions of self-destruction.
The home is already broken by his actions of self-destruction.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I was on the receiving end of "you're ruining our kid's life" and "you're breaking up the family" crap, too. Quack quack quack quack quack. It's his disease talking--desperately trying to cling to the status quo.
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