Rogue

Hey everyone,
I joined this group about 3 years ago. I became sober on 9-1-13 and stayed that why until May 12th of this year. I haven't been able to stop again. For some reason this time feels so much harder than the last time. My boyfriend and I broke up and think that's what spiraled me back into it. Of course, they way alcohol works in me is it makes me do shameful things. When he found out I was drinking again he said he couldn't trust me anymore. Things just got completely worse after that. I had put all my faith and trust in God the first time I stopped, I had drank everyday for about 8 years. I feel now like everything I've done is worse. How badly I hurt him after our break up because I couldn't handle my own pain. I feel like everything I thought I knew and believed in is gone. I need help stopping again because I fear I won't be able to this time. Any kind words or advice would be appreciated. I can't talk to my friends or family about it because I've I managed to hide it from them. I hope you all have a great day.

AnvilheadII

welcome back Rogue. you reached out to SR, that is an awesome first step.

Rogue

Thank you. I just remember the amazing support I got from everyone here the first time.

Mountainmanbob

You remind me of me for as I look back each time sobering up was different. Some easy and some very, very hard.

A good start coming here where as you know many have sobered up and stay sober.

Maybe get a notebook and write out your new sober plan. You may have to do more this time than last time?

Good luck for as you know it's worth the work.

MB

Rogue

Thank you MB.

I didn't think it would be harder this time, unfortunately it is. Maybe because I'm so disappointed in myself and my behaviors since I started back. A journal is a great idea

Mountainmanbob

If I may share the positive that I see in that. This last time around for me sobering up I was so sick and tired of the man that looks back at me in the mirror. They talk about Complete Deflation and hitting a bottom -- oh - yes, I was there. I think that has helped me to stay sober. Knowing how hard it was last time to get sober and to have some positive thoughts after running a muck.

Probably -- this is the worst that it will be for you and your life will get better soon but, don't forget the sorrow caused by this your last outing with the liquid devil.

Most of us get tested and it ain't pretty while we are there,
but, we need not go back for more.
Personally I'm tested out regarding booze -- join me.

MB

Rogue

Thank you MB.

I've often told myself in the last few months that this was a test and I've failed. I immediately started blaming my ex for this. But I came to the realization shortly after that this isn't his fault. It's mine. I'll always be an alcoholic, even when I'm not drinking. I've tried to apologize to him, it only ends up making it worse and making him feel nothing but disdain for me. I know that it's a choice to go down this path again. Everyone around me that knows I was sober, and still thinks I am, always talks about how strong I am and how proud they are of me. I feel like I'm failing them and all aspects of my life. But you are right, when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel nothing but shame, guilt and sorrow at the woman I've let myself become again. I know I have to make the choice the stop again and to stay Sober. Thank you for your kind words and your encouragement.

MidnightRider

Hey Rogue!

Let's start now with some positive thoughts.

The past is the past. It's over forgettaboutit.

Tomorrow is day 1 ... Look into yourself and find the goodness. Be positive ... Live for the day... Not yesterday.

Rogue

Hey Midnight Rider!

You are right. The past is the past. Tomorrow is always a new day. Thank you

On The Road

Here are some wise words from a wise person. 😉

I obviously don't know you, but I get the sense you have a strength inside you that maybe you're not fully aware of. Dig deep - you can do it.

Dee74

Hi and welcome back Rogue - I remember you

Altho it can be harder to stop again...it's not impossible...the basic idea is always the same...start with a day one and go from there

I really recommend you find and use as much support as you can find, including posting regularly here on SR.

Why not check out the Class of August support thread?
All you need to join is post

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-1-a-19.html

D

Dame

Hi Rogue. These are wise words indeed. I know the feeling of NOT knowing what you believe anymore (or, for me, who I even was). The shame and guilt were overwhelming.
But you have been there before, and I believe the shame is no longer necessary. You have a beautiful heart and soul. The fact that you feel such grief more than proves it.
Please look in the mirror and see the strong woman who succeeded for 3 years. She is still there; still strong and worthy of love and respect. She is there within you and always will be. Trust that woman. She (you) is the only one from whom you need forgiveness

Anna

It does seem to be common that each time we try to stop drinking, it is harder and harder. And, I think part of that is because of what alcoholism does to us. It destroys anything and everything good, including our sense of well-being. You can do this and you are worth the effort. We are here for you.

Rogue

Thank you so much On the road, Dee, Dame and Anna. You have no idea how much your kind words mean to me. I know I'll get there again. One day at time.

Soberwolf

So good to see you Rogue x

Berrybean

Glad you made it back. Why not start by making a new plan, and sticking to it. Just removing alcohol is so much harder than when we put things in place to pad out the hole it leaves.

And you know how a dog is always SO happy to see you return after an absence, whether it be 5 minutes or a week? I believe that God is always equally overjoyed when his lost sheep return to him. Every time and always. Full of love. Full of forgiveness. Ask again for his help. Turn it back over to him. I will pray for you as well.

You have done this before. I believe you can do it again.

PrinzessinD

I have a similar story. I quit drinking when I was with my ex. Towards the end of our relationship, he was really a jerk to me, I think he was planning on leaving for awhile and I didn't know. For some reason his distance and attitude triggered something in me to start drinking, to erase the pain. I started drinking again, days at a time then stop. He made me feel like a piece of crap for drinking and completely left. After we separated our belongings and went our different ways, I found out that he was a raging alcoholic and almost died, my drinking triggered bad memories for him. Something he wasn't honest about.

I started drinking again when I moved into my new house, every day. I just quit again after four years. I was finally over him and needed to move on. This time it was harder because I was alone. You can do it, keep;ing a journal of my drinking helped me, when I wrote it down it made me realize how much I really was drinking. I hope it helps to know another person went through a similar situation. Start a new day today - stay positive

Delilah1

Hi Rogue,

Welcome back!! I am with Midnight Rider, focus on moving forward. You know you can do this, because three years is phrnomenal. You are obviously strong, and you have proven you can do this. I am glad you are back again!!!

❤️ Delilah

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Rogue!!

Windancer

I too have returned to SR after a long stretch of drinking and drama.
I'm glad you are back! And I know you can stop and stay stopped... I believe in you!