She controlled drinking with me, got drunk without me
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 5
She controlled drinking with me, got drunk without me
Broke up 2 months ago with my girlfriend who I'm convinced is a alcoholic. We were dating over a year. For the first 9 months we spent almost every weekend together. During that time when it was just her and I she would abstain from drinking or just have a couple. However every time we weren't together and she went out with her friends she was getting completely wasted. She was a master of her environment. Around me, my friends, and my family she kept drinking under control. Around her family and friends there was no filter on her drinking. (Comes from family of alcoholics dad, brother, 2 sisters, and grandpa)
The last 3 months I started to voice my concerns and it seemed like the wheels began to fall off. She wanted to spend more time with
her friends on the weekend, I was on the receiving end of 3 blackout tirades, I was accused of being controlling, and she had no problem drinking 2 bottles of wine or a 12 pack in front of me. I told her I needed space to process what is going on.
She keeps contacting me for us to get back together. She claims she has "issues", that she uses alcohol to cope, but she realizes where she made mistakes and it'll never happen again. I've done so much reading and research these last 2 months and I'm 95 pct. sure she's an alcoholic. Family history, life revolves around it, 15 years active, blackouts, drinking buddies, uses to cope, high tolerance, affected our relationship.
The 5 pct. denial comes from those 9 months of great times when she'd only have one or two and stop. I thought if you're a true alcoholic you can't control your intake once you start. How was she able to control it if she really is an alcoholic. Could someone shed some light on this confusion I'm having. This one hangup is keeping me from moving on and in denial. I so badly want to get back together with her.
The last 3 months I started to voice my concerns and it seemed like the wheels began to fall off. She wanted to spend more time with
her friends on the weekend, I was on the receiving end of 3 blackout tirades, I was accused of being controlling, and she had no problem drinking 2 bottles of wine or a 12 pack in front of me. I told her I needed space to process what is going on.
She keeps contacting me for us to get back together. She claims she has "issues", that she uses alcohol to cope, but she realizes where she made mistakes and it'll never happen again. I've done so much reading and research these last 2 months and I'm 95 pct. sure she's an alcoholic. Family history, life revolves around it, 15 years active, blackouts, drinking buddies, uses to cope, high tolerance, affected our relationship.
The 5 pct. denial comes from those 9 months of great times when she'd only have one or two and stop. I thought if you're a true alcoholic you can't control your intake once you start. How was she able to control it if she really is an alcoholic. Could someone shed some light on this confusion I'm having. This one hangup is keeping me from moving on and in denial. I so badly want to get back together with her.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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Those one or two drinks were what you witnessed her drinking...you don't know how much she really drank. We're really good at looking like we have it all under control...until it's to the point where we're only fooling ourselves.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
It doesn't happen right away. When I first met my AH, he showed no signs of alcoholism. He drank socially, like everyone else. It developed over time. It gradually went from drinking "normally," to half a bottle of wine, to a whole bottle, to vodka, to the point now he is the hardest core type of alcoholic there is when he drinks. It took a few years to get from the first point to the last. The thing is, once it gets bad, it tends to get worse, and quite quickly.
I understand your pain and hurt, and hopes. It's one of the hardest things to deal with. Glad you're here, though - you'll get the wisdom and comfort from these boards. I sure do.
I understand your pain and hurt, and hopes. It's one of the hardest things to deal with. Glad you're here, though - you'll get the wisdom and comfort from these boards. I sure do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
My exA tried to control his drinking in front of me as well when I presented it as an ultimatum... but it didn't really resolve anything because he was just white knuckling it and basically deceiving me. When I wasn't around he would get plastered and talk about how happy he was I wasn't around so that he could drink...
Is that the type of relationship you would want?
Is that the type of relationship you would want?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm another one who could "control" my drinking when I HAD to. The thing is, I couldn't do it reliably or consistently on a long-term basis. And yes, I waited, counting the minutes, until I could drink the way I really wanted to.
So yeah, I'd say there's a good chance she's either an alcoholic or well on her way. I'd just stay away if I were you. You can't fix it, and you won't convince her to do anything about it. You might get promises, and maybe a token gesture or two (even going to an AA meeting, which will result in the report that she's NOTHING like "those people"), but it doesn't seem like she sees any need to quit drinking. And it could be years and years (if ever) before she does.
So yeah, I'd say there's a good chance she's either an alcoholic or well on her way. I'd just stay away if I were you. You can't fix it, and you won't convince her to do anything about it. You might get promises, and maybe a token gesture or two (even going to an AA meeting, which will result in the report that she's NOTHING like "those people"), but it doesn't seem like she sees any need to quit drinking. And it could be years and years (if ever) before she does.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
It sounds like you are here and in the exact right place for you-it sure does sound like she has some problems with alcohol but doesn't quite see the severity of it. You can make your own decisions on how you wabt your life to go but being with (dating or married) an alcoholic is no fun and quite scary at times (blackouts, tirades, etc). It is not a fun life.
Many hugs-glad you are here.
Many hugs-glad you are here.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
for 9 months, on the WEEKENDS, she could appear to have her drinking under control. i'm sure there are times when that 1 or 2 was maybe 3 or 4, unless you kept a chart. however AT THE SAME TIME, she was also drinking to excess, you just weren't present.
and then suddenly those "sort of, mostly sober weekends" with you got less fun, and her desire to drink to abandon took over. or it seemed like it happened over night, altho i'm sure there was some progression you probably didn't notice.
so at no time was she NOT drinking, she was ALWAYS drinking, to one level or another. that was her coping mechanism, her go to, her habit.
she has not claimed or pledged to STOP drinking, she just claims that she won't let alcohol be in charge. and please come back. you'd be going right back into the alligator swamp.
and then suddenly those "sort of, mostly sober weekends" with you got less fun, and her desire to drink to abandon took over. or it seemed like it happened over night, altho i'm sure there was some progression you probably didn't notice.
so at no time was she NOT drinking, she was ALWAYS drinking, to one level or another. that was her coping mechanism, her go to, her habit.
she has not claimed or pledged to STOP drinking, she just claims that she won't let alcohol be in charge. and please come back. you'd be going right back into the alligator swamp.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Gator,
First and foremost, welcome. You are in the right place among good people.
Your thread sparks memories in me but also regret in that I wish I'd have been as smart as you are to see the signs as soon as you have. Be thankful that just a year in, you are realizing this.
Many in this thread think your ex was hiding her drinking. That may not necessarily be the case though I would think, given what you described, it is safe to assume she is least drinking more than you think she is when you are NOT watching.
Problem drinkers / alcoholics (we don't really use labels around here, a problem is a problem) come in all shapes and sizes. Many of them, my ex included, can have a perfectly normal day without alcohol at all. They can also quite often accompany you out to a nice dinner, have a beer or two, or a glass or wine or two, go home with you, watch a movie, go to bed.
What many people around here refer to as "white knuckling" is when someone who tends to enjoy binge drinking decides to abstain or moderate the drinking on their own. In most cases, especially when they are not hung over from a binge, they are trying to fight the urges inside to drink more and more. My ex's solution was always to go to sleep if she had a couple beers and the party was over. Had I dangled a six pack in front of her after a "2 beer dinner", she'd have happily stayed up until it was gone.
You may have entertained your girlfriend by drinking with her, as that is a normal thing to do especially in a new relationship when you are getting to know one another. Nothing wrong with it. It's when you start seeing the signs, like you have cited with her family and friends, the behavior that takes place when you are not present, when the red flags start to go up. You realized this quickly and were right to ask questions. Her responses of anger and defensiveness were typical responses of a person with a drinking problem. A "normal drinker" doesn't respond with hostility when a loved one questions their drinking. They would respond with concern. A problem drinker responds with anger and hostility. Very common trait, very easy to spot.
I realized that when I was home, she was "white knuckling" as much as she could, and eventually there would be days where she would just break and have to go on a bender in the house, in front of me. Not sure if you got there , but was likely going to happen from the sound of it. Or, she would have just started disappearing more and more, with her friends, when the weekends come, it's party time, and you were not interested in getting hammered with her. This is the life you have saved yourself from.
Rest assured, you had no control or cause of her drinking, did not drive her to drink, and your questions about her levels of excessive drinking had nothing to do with the fact she is binge drinking to blackout levels. Those decisions were hers and hers alone.
txjeepguy's case is quite extreme but a frightening picture of what can happen to a guy with a girlfriend with an escalating drinking problem. Find his main thread and read it if you have time. He's also a great model for composure in an insane situation such as this.
Feel free to seek out my threads as well, and PM me if I can be of any support. I know what it is like to remember them in their sober/good times and it tempts you to allow the bad behavior. Most will say things like they will stop, etc, to get you back/keep you in their lives, but in my experience, and all the stories I have read here, any promises to quit are short-lived, if at all. And promises to "moderate / cut down" are pretty much a 100% failure.
Keep reading, keep learning, you will find the way through this.
First and foremost, welcome. You are in the right place among good people.
Your thread sparks memories in me but also regret in that I wish I'd have been as smart as you are to see the signs as soon as you have. Be thankful that just a year in, you are realizing this.
Many in this thread think your ex was hiding her drinking. That may not necessarily be the case though I would think, given what you described, it is safe to assume she is least drinking more than you think she is when you are NOT watching.
Problem drinkers / alcoholics (we don't really use labels around here, a problem is a problem) come in all shapes and sizes. Many of them, my ex included, can have a perfectly normal day without alcohol at all. They can also quite often accompany you out to a nice dinner, have a beer or two, or a glass or wine or two, go home with you, watch a movie, go to bed.
What many people around here refer to as "white knuckling" is when someone who tends to enjoy binge drinking decides to abstain or moderate the drinking on their own. In most cases, especially when they are not hung over from a binge, they are trying to fight the urges inside to drink more and more. My ex's solution was always to go to sleep if she had a couple beers and the party was over. Had I dangled a six pack in front of her after a "2 beer dinner", she'd have happily stayed up until it was gone.
You may have entertained your girlfriend by drinking with her, as that is a normal thing to do especially in a new relationship when you are getting to know one another. Nothing wrong with it. It's when you start seeing the signs, like you have cited with her family and friends, the behavior that takes place when you are not present, when the red flags start to go up. You realized this quickly and were right to ask questions. Her responses of anger and defensiveness were typical responses of a person with a drinking problem. A "normal drinker" doesn't respond with hostility when a loved one questions their drinking. They would respond with concern. A problem drinker responds with anger and hostility. Very common trait, very easy to spot.
I realized that when I was home, she was "white knuckling" as much as she could, and eventually there would be days where she would just break and have to go on a bender in the house, in front of me. Not sure if you got there , but was likely going to happen from the sound of it. Or, she would have just started disappearing more and more, with her friends, when the weekends come, it's party time, and you were not interested in getting hammered with her. This is the life you have saved yourself from.
Rest assured, you had no control or cause of her drinking, did not drive her to drink, and your questions about her levels of excessive drinking had nothing to do with the fact she is binge drinking to blackout levels. Those decisions were hers and hers alone.
txjeepguy's case is quite extreme but a frightening picture of what can happen to a guy with a girlfriend with an escalating drinking problem. Find his main thread and read it if you have time. He's also a great model for composure in an insane situation such as this.
Feel free to seek out my threads as well, and PM me if I can be of any support. I know what it is like to remember them in their sober/good times and it tempts you to allow the bad behavior. Most will say things like they will stop, etc, to get you back/keep you in their lives, but in my experience, and all the stories I have read here, any promises to quit are short-lived, if at all. And promises to "moderate / cut down" are pretty much a 100% failure.
Keep reading, keep learning, you will find the way through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 5
I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing their knowledge and experiences. I just read your thread Wells and I feel for you. After spending the day reading through hundreds of posts it's pretty obvious there's no positive outcomes to come of this relationship without treatment. Its just so sad to have to let go of an incredible person who happens to have a disease. But after reading, I realize now there's not a darn thing I can do about it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,969
Originally Posted by Gator23 
I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing their knowledge and experiences. I just read your thread Wells and I feel for you. After spending the day reading through hundreds of posts it's pretty obvious there's no positive outcomes to come of this relationship without treatment. Its just so sad to have to let go of an incredible person who happens to have a disease. But after reading, I realize now there's not a darn thing I can do about it.
Take care of yourself and let us know how it goes.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,628
Hi Gator.
I was like your girlfriend. Drank to excess but could hold it together and be a'normal drinker' if we went out to a function etc.
It got worse as the years passed to the point it was difficult to hide it. My husband put up with me but started going his own way. He went fishing every weekend which left me to get drunk to excess.
I hated what I did but couldn't stop and really, didn't try hard enough, so I guess I wasn't ready to stop.
I stopped completely 3 years ago when my husband left me' he had had enough. I looked at me and my life for the first time and didn't like who I had become so I stopped.
Why he put up with me as long as he did I don't know. Perhaps he was a codie. I know I wasted many years giving in to my addiction .
We did reconcile. Life is so much better without alcohol in my life.
You will read many experiences like mine on SR.
I was like your girlfriend. Drank to excess but could hold it together and be a'normal drinker' if we went out to a function etc.
It got worse as the years passed to the point it was difficult to hide it. My husband put up with me but started going his own way. He went fishing every weekend which left me to get drunk to excess.
I hated what I did but couldn't stop and really, didn't try hard enough, so I guess I wasn't ready to stop.
I stopped completely 3 years ago when my husband left me' he had had enough. I looked at me and my life for the first time and didn't like who I had become so I stopped.
Why he put up with me as long as he did I don't know. Perhaps he was a codie. I know I wasted many years giving in to my addiction .
We did reconcile. Life is so much better without alcohol in my life.
You will read many experiences like mine on SR.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Gator, As like me can often control ourselves when the stakes are high, and she obviously wanted your relationship to work. Note that she couldn't hold it together indefinitely and you began to see the blackout drunk.
As usually have to stop drinking altogether, because just cutting down only lasts for a limited time.
As usually have to stop drinking altogether, because just cutting down only lasts for a limited time.
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