Expanding

I had a scary thought... you never really know someone until you live with them. What if my friends see that exA was right and I am crazy? I don't really think I'm crazy, I think I can worry about things I don't need to... I also don't think they understand the depth of what our dynamic was so in their minds I'm "overthinking".

This is not 100% understandable to me because I haven't shared a whole lot because I know how deep it can sound to those who haven't experienced this first hand (or woken up to it).

I don't feel I am overreacting to anything that is happening. I think I am reacting almost predictably and par for the course to anyone who really knows what's going on.

I'm sure this is residual and all I need to worry about is the here and now but I'm afraid their opinions have already been shaped. I am a recovering Codie living with people who would have no understanding of what that really means.

Worrying about myself, is it that simple?

thephoenixrises

What other people think of me is none of my business. Prob my most favorite recovery lesson. After my first divorce, my ex and I retained many of the same friends...still to this day. After the second, my ex was ever so quick to paint me as the crazy one-and himself as the victim. It's what they do. What he does or says is of no importance to me...and it shouldn't be to you, although I know how hard it can be. Most people just like gossip and will fall for a lie - but time will always reveal. Guard your heart, grow a thick skin and keep walking forward. Nobody knows what you dealt with except you.

Many hugs to you.

FeelingGreat

Hi Expanding, now's the time to hold your nerve. I know some people don't care what others think of them, but many do. Try not to over-explain, just be your own self. Your friends are you friends because they like you, and even if they listen to the ravings of an A, don't assume they're going to believe what he says.

The calmer you can be, the most you'll stand as a contrast to his behaviour.

dandylion

Expanding.....if you are living in a world of people who are detrimental to your happiness.....maybe you have an obligation to yourself to remove yourself from them.....
(I don't know if you are talking about your own family or other friends, his friends, etc, You can't divorce family, of course---but, even in that case you can use an abundance of detachment where necessary......

dandylion

Expanding

It's hard to hear that I'm over analyzing when the truth is I finally have answers!

I know that I can think a lot but it's because I'm a truth seeker. I'm not comfortable with saying, "life sucks" or "that's just the way life is". I don't know how anyone could be because IMO it sets you up for the same exact thing later in life. I dont try explaining to them because they don't think like that and that's fine, I guess I just don't like it being implied that there's something wrong with me for not being able to "just move on" or that I've been mourning for too long.

I'm getting back to a routine starting tomorrow so that should help. I've been "around" a lot unpacking and catching up on enormous amounts of sleep lol

I think I'll be okay. Sounds like it's the old soundtracks from the exA and my father that are slipping back in.

dandylion

Expanding....I think we can agree that it is irritating--frustrating--angering--and even eroding to our sense of self to have others TAKING OUR INVENTORY .

I've had it happen to me at many different points in my life......
Told that I was being "selfish" for divorcing my children's father....
Told that I was making a mistake by enrolling in a graduate level program as a single mother with three small children...that I couldn't do it....
That I was going to burn in the fires of Hell for co-habituating with my 2nd. husband prior to our marriage....
That I was going to be outcast for my civil rights activities....
That I might be (and actually was) retaliated against for working during a strike at my health care employer....
Having my ex husband make up lies and spread them around to my neighbors and friends at the time of the divorce.....
****Having people tell me not to cry when I was feeling emotional....(I had to inform them that I had a right to my feelings and that they didn't....and if they didn't like it ---they could go and have a physically impossible sexual experience with themselves!).

I think you get my point...lol...

It leaves you with 2 choices...quit being analytical and please them....
Or continue to be analytical and please yourself....
You can't do both at the same time!

dandylion

Expanding

It's funny because I don't feel I am thinking too much but educating myself and becoming aware. I don't like it when I'm being told I live to much in my head (although it may be true at times) when I'm going through such a painful, life changing event! I wouldn't change a darn thing about how I am handling this because I am NOT going through this again.

At this point it's a matter of putting what I've been learning into practice so maybe we are saying the same thing but in two different ways. I just wish I'd get a bit more compassion, especially since this still isn't over for me. Over in the sense I will never ever get back with exA and I'm okay with that, but not over in the sense we still have some major ties to each other and I haven't been able to make a clean break YET

LexieCat

I'd let the dust settle before you start deciding which friends have been loyal to you and which ones haven't.

Breakups are confusing for friends, too. They may be getting two stories and suspecting the truth is somewhere in the middle--which it may very well be. You'd be pretty unusual if you didn't get a bit "crazy" from living with alcoholism.

I keep getting this sense that you are trying to nail down all the corners of this thing so everything can be "normal" right away. I understand wanting to do that, but I also know, from my own experience and that of countless others I've known or observed that one person cannot neatly package up something like a relationship with an alcoholic, and the associated mess, all at once and once and for all.

Give things some time to unfold and let the dust settle. Some people may not know yet what to think, some may have a tentative opinion but be willing to set it aside based on what they see and know of you going forward. There will inevitably be messes, and however analytical you are, you can't prevent that from happening in life--because you can control exactly one person: yourself. And no matter how carefully you try to judge potential friends to determine whom to allow into your inner circle of trust, there will be times when those carefully-selected people let you down or hurt you. THAT is inevitable. And the answer isn't always that you made a bad choice or that you should cut them out, sometimes the answer is healing the relationship with that person. And if it can't be healed, THEN you let them go and move on.

You can fight those truths with all your might, but I think you will have a pretty exhausting and unhappy life if you do.

dandylion

Expanding...there is something that we certainly DO agree on....
That--it would be wonderful if we did get compassion from all those around us...and if we could get approval for everything we do from those who are close to us...

But, sweetie...from all that I have lived and all that I have read and all that I have heard....it doesn't happen for anybody. It is just a consequence of living...
H***....even Mother Theresa got a load of crap from a lot of people....EVEN the Church!!
Just between you and me...I read where she even suffered a period of depression and had self doubt......

In case you don't realize it---I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
(that is compassion).

dandylion

Expanding

New self discovery, when something feels unpleasant I want to push through it as hard and fast as I can to get it over with.

Expanding

Oh, and I develop blinders to anything GOOD going on

Eauchiche

None of this is any of "their" business. NONE of it. Just tell them so.

Expanding

I'm getting so confused it's like everything I learned is going out the window!

LexieCat

Trust me, I get that--I'm the same way. But I've learned I'm a lot HAPPIER, overall, when I practice patience (which is something I've had to learn) and allow things to just be uncomfortable and unpleasant for a while. It's fighting that feeling ("I can't STAND it") that wears me down and makes me miserable (as opposed to merely uncomfortable). In fact, it's one of the things that contributed to my drinking. Alcohol numbs out those unpleasant feelings. Now, that was a TERRIBLE way to manage my feelings, but pretty effective in the short term.

I've learned to accept discomfort (not that I'm "happy" all the time), and it helps me to look for things to be grateful for. Take off those blinders to the "good stuff" going on around you. That's what will help you get through these uncomfortable times.

Lilro

I myself have always been pretty honest with my friends about my split with exabf. Most were shocked when I left being we had just purchased a larger home and were in the process of remodeling. Granted, HIS friends which were now some of MY friends were already aware of his love of alcohol. I am quite sure only a few knew that it was actually a problem. My friends for the most part had no idea, heck, I had no idea myself until the last six months of that relationship that it was as bad as it was. Stupid, I know. He hid it well.
When people " friends" ask me " what happened? Didn't you guys just buy that house? Weren't you guys getting married? " I just tell them my truth " he has an issue with alcohol and I dIdnt want to be around it anymore and I most certainly didn't want my son around it. Thats it. I don't need to elaborate and truthfully, the conversation and questions stop there. What more needs to be said.
Don't worry too much about what other people are thinking. Your TRUE friends I'm sure already know.
Ro

Expanding

I'm getting impatient because things are being held up due to a phone call that hasn't been made. It's so reminiscent of our relationship and it's beyond frustrating and triggering. Perhaps that's the regression I've been feeling, it's the triggers

LexieCat

Well, being impatient won't make it happen any faster. If you've done what you can to speed things along, move on to something else. Distract yourself. Focusing on what's not happening (yet) will only keep you stuck.

Bekindalways

I so hope that phone call gets made and everything proceeds smoothly.

Also hope you have at least a few friends who understand and are supportive.

When I left my qualifier for the last time (he had gotten into meth), I told our one mutual friend the reason (the X was demonstrating an escalating use of drugs which would probably end badly. The friend's response was, "You don't really know for sure.". I pretty much nodded and smiled and thought to myself, "Maybe I don't know for sure but I know close enough to 'for sure' to leave."

Intimate relationships are so much more intense and revealing than other relationships that it can't be expected that friends will see as much as those of us who have been partners to addicts/alcoholics.

Wells

Every person I told about my ex and her drinking problem was immediately on my side. Leave her, they said, good for you, don't look back, it's about time, etc.

It's not unreasonable to think that the people in the opposite corner will tell your ex similar things that they tell you. Especially if things were not out in the open. As some have stated, to many it becomes a surprise that a person they have known has a drinking problem. A lot of times that is because they hide it well, or the enabler helps them to hide it well.

I'd hidden it as best as I could though most people I told said they were not surprised and already knew. I had been a bit more vocal about it even when we were in group situations and I think the people around could "read the room" and notice my discomfort as well as my ex's change in behavior when she drank, as well as the speed and amount she drank.

I would imagine your friends and his family noticed this as well. That's of course not always enough to turn a good friend and especially their family away on them. My ex's mother was here helping her pack and move her stuff to her new place. They are family. She will always help her daughter and she isn't going to take "my side", at least not verbally. I have seen exceptions to this too.

Anyway try and not worry too much about what other people think about you because I honestly feel that in most cases, people already know the truth or if they don't, they come to realize it soon enough. The friends who used to stand by my ex have come and gone over the years. Eventually when they start to rely on friends more than a partner for enabling, the friends start seeing more of the cracks and eventually will try and distance themselves from it as well, same as you have done. Friends have it a little easier as they can typically go to a separate corner (their home, etc) and not have to live with active addiction under their roof. But even after enough time, I think friends of addicts as well will try and find ways to cut ties.

In my eyes, it is stressful and exhausting having to deal with someone who has drank too much. Were there ever situations in public where you felt you had to step in and rescue/defend/help your ex to protect him from his own actions or behaviors? What's he going to do now in those situations when you are not there? That is another way to look at it. My guess is that the actions will speak louder than words, and anyone who has not yet realized the truth, will.

Expanding

Hi Wells,

He found himself another enabler so his tracks are covered. I do wonder how long it'll be before she tires of trying to get a grown drunk man to leave the bar and back into the car, and then into the house; of laying on a couch for an entire day from being hungover, of him never listening to or valuing her opinion or feelings; talking over and interrupting when trying to tell a story...

I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. I slowly started to quit that job a couple years ago because it IS exhausting. And because I focused so much on him I no longer know how to take care of myself! Enabling is lose/lose.