Splash29

I moved out of XAB house last week after he called me from rehab and said he was leaving after only being in for two days. So I left before he came home. Now I just got an email saying that "we have things we need to talk about" even though he knows "I like to avoid conflict" (his words).

How should I respond? I think its pretty obvious WHY I moved out. He lied about his drinking, then lied that he had quit drinking. He made empty promises that he was only going to drink socially. Then made an empty promise about going to rehab, which he left as soon as he could.

Last Saturday when I talked to him on the phone when I told him I moved out he said I "abandoned" him, and now he is saying that I avoid conflict. I'm just sick of his conflict! I'm trying to move on. How should I respond? Do I even need to respond? We lived together for a year and when he was sober we had an amazing relationship, but things have been sour the last two months with his drinking.

Ariesagain

"No we don't" and block him. Or just let it go unanswered and block him.

He's trying to bait you...you've moved out, you weren't married, you don't have children...you told him why you left. Everything has been said.

Turn your face to the sun and move on.

CodeJob

You can move on without allowing him to pull you back.

Remember he knows you well, and is pushing your buttons to manipulate you.

dandylion

SulfuricSplash......above all....first priority, in your life, is to maintain your own sobriety.......isn't it?

I agree that he is probably going to try to bait you. It appears that you realize what a threat he is to your recovery and putting a cushion under his butt is the worst thing you can do for an active drinker.
Re-engaging is not going to help you....or, him......

That is my take on it....

dandylion

TimeForMe

SS - I agree with the above posters 100%. Remember, just because he wants to talk doesn't mean you have to. He'll probably say he just wants to "understand" why you left, but you do not have to explain yourself to him. He'll never accept whatever explanation you give.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. It's been said around here, " 'No' is a complete sentence".

FeelingGreat

Hi SS, you know he's not ready for sobriety yet, and it sounds like he might be trying to pull you down with him. Stay strong; you've got to look after yourself.

Refiner

I'm so tired of hearing the YOU ABANDONED ME line. They need to MAN UP (man or woman) on who is actually abandoning whom! I know this is now categorized as a "disease" but good Lord at least this one has CHOICES and RESPONSIBILITY involved unlike, say, MS! I won't even us cancer as a blanket example anymore since there are some causes to cancer such as smoking and lung cancer! Just because it's legal (alcohol + cigarettes) doesn't make it OK you have a DISEASE. Those are my personal beliefs on this.

Lilro

I got pretty much the same but only in a phone call. I shouldn't have answered.

By you not responding says everything in a nutshell. " don't waste words on people who deserve your silence ". Best quote ever!
As far as him?? I'm sure it's going to be the same ole', same ole'. What's the point?
Move forward >>>>> you've got the rest of your life ahead of you. Him? Well, he is who he is, alcohol and all.
You've got this!

Lilro

Oh and I heard the ABANDONMENT line also..... Yada, yada, Yada ......
Ugh!

elihoping

Coming at it from the other side, when I had been on a crazy binge and my ex wasn't speaking to me, I would keep texting him or messaging him on fb. He'd ignore me for a while and then eventually cave and text me back. As soon as he texted me back, I knew we'd be back together in a matter of days. Be strong, he's just trying to hook you back in. Your silence is a much better message about your intent to not get back together with him.

SparkleKitty

As soon as someone tells me I NEED to do anything, I understand that whatever the thing is, it is more about them than it is about me.

What about you? Do you NEED to talk? Are his words enough to negate what his actions have shown you?

Splash29

Thanks everyone. I don't want to talk to him, but his comment that I avoid conflict did trigger me as I did move out while he was gone, etc.

My number one priority is to stay sober, yes, as I have three years. But I have been reading "codependent no more" as suggest on this site and holy cow, I think giving up codie may be harder than alcohol for me! I'm realize not only do I have codepencey issues with the ex, but also at work and with my family. Wow.

I don't want to talk to him, but I feel bad. We did have good memories even though the last two months were **** and he drank the whole time. I don't think I will respond, but its hard to just stay silent. I feel guilty not responding.

Carol Star

I agree with the baiting idea of other posters. Figure out the boundaries you could live with. Remember it is a progressive disease. No contact is best unless he stays in treatment. If he was in AA a sponser would say 90 meetings in 90 days- but he would have to want it. Doesn't sound like he wants it. Boundaries a for us- for our serentity,security, and safety. Alcoholics are about the age they were when they started "using" emotionally. He is "quacking." "Quack,quack,quack.....you abandoned me....."- uh.....no you picked drinking over me.

Txjeepguy

Agreed. I got the abandonment line. What a joke.

You owe him nothing. He can want whatever he wants you have no obligation to give in. If he persists report him for stalking

Carol Star

I think recovery is about growing up. A group of "like-minded people" like AA or NA helps because they all think alike; you have the same allergy,disease,mental compulsion, genetics, or whatever- you do but other alkies or addicts really DO help each other with a common problem and a common solution. And it is free..... And it is ok not to believe in God- just use the group as your higher power (god=group of drunks)...... BUT for the friends and family- they have to want it for themselves- not you. And some may need outside help- like a therapist for awhile..... Families have Alanon- and it works too- to help you get back to what is good for you-and learning what you can control (YOU) and what you can't. (THEM)

LexieCat

If you have no joint bills or other financial entanglements, there is nothing to talk about and no reason to respond. Even "No, we don't." is a continuation of dialogue.

I would simply block the number without further comment. He is goading you to try to get a response--don't take the bait.

Seren

Hello SS,

Unless you have personal property that you have at his place, then I don't know that you need to talk. I have had relationships where there was this constant back and forth even after the 'break up talk' was had. It was worse for both in the long run--a clean break would have been far easier.

I know it is painful, believe me. But if you really are done, I think it would be the kindest thing for both of you to just, well, be done.

Please take good care of yourself!

Adrian80

I can't relate to how you're feeling especially with the feelings of guilt and thinking about the good times but trust me when I say let him go. Don't even respond. It's not worth it and would only be something that you regret later.

Austin4Wyo

This. So much this. My ex had to threaten to call the local constabulary for phone harassment before I knocked off and got the hint.

Don't give any openings. The likelihood of him quitting doin' wrong and start doin' right (I was listening to Merle Haggard earlier) is next to nill while he remains at all hopeful that he can manipulate you back in. The likelihood of it at all is questionable. So many don't. You don't have to be brought down by it. You're in a good spot. Don't give your personal power away.

Splash29

I too in my active days would call ex's wanting "closure". Whatever that is! If he is by some miracle doing 90 meetings in 90 days after leaving rehab, that means he only has like 12 days sober right now. He is in no headspace to deal with me and neither am I.