tifftreehugger

Hey all, I'm the wife of a late stage alcoholic. In a nutshell, what I am needing support with is that we just got married last October (2015) then within a week or so he went from drinking 750mls of wine, to 4 L, then to 6L, then to 8L per 24 hour period. He has done this now all year. The house smells like a pub urinal with strong overtones of failing liver. It is ann unbearable stench that is not lifted by any cleaning agent, as he urinates in the kitchen sink, bench-tops, cupboards, wooden floorboards and carpet. Also himself most often. I usually live in another house most of the time now, as it is just too painful as a newly wed to live with this. He has PTSD also, to a questionable level. Life w him entails bleaching every surface every day - sometimes many times a day, with heavy duty gloves. Cleaning faeces, urine, blood, vomit and spilled wine. I have daughters from a previous marriage and refuse to expose them to his alcoholism. I want to break free from this marriage, but find it so difficult to cut ties with him. I love the man that I married, but not this person. He has checked himself out of rehab twice, offered all the support in the world, and through the right channels. He will not help himself. And he now has that late stage dementia thing, doesn't eat, and his body is shutting down. I receive a LOT of negativity from his family that seem to hate me as I refuse to enable him. They also see him as a 'victim' and enable that mentality. I need to look after myself - I have been on the receiving end of so much abuse from him and family violence from them. I've battled anorexia this year, trying to control one thing in my life (!) and am recovering steadily from this. I guess I just need support from anyone who can relate to this. There are no guidebooks on what to do when you get married after 6 years and your husband turns into a heavy duty addict and now looks to be facing a very premature death real soon from his alcoholism! There is so much grief and loss that I'm facing. It's agonising at times. How do you love someone and walk away? Hope you guys can help :/ Thank you in advance.

Dee74

I'm sorry for what brings you here tifftreehugger.

It must be heart breaking.

I can't give you any advice to help him I'm sorry....but as you suggested, he needs to want to help himself.

I can definitely reassure you you'll find support here tho. This is a great forum

Feel free to also check out our Family and Friends forums as well

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

Viperidae

Ok, you need to leave him. Go immediately to a big AA meeting, stand up and ask for help. Or try to talk to anyone who seems cool, especially women (since you are one). Those folks are the most caring helpful people ever. I know you are not the addict, but the AA people have decades behind them of dealing with addicts. They can advise you and point you in the right direction. There are also family support groups.

Take care if your kids and get your life back. Best of luck

totfit

I hate that you are going through this. I have little advise to give. I would say that next time his "family" gives a hard time or is not so understanding towards you for not enabling, ask if they would like to take him in.

Lightning Bug

He needs inpatient and you need to take care of yourself and your daughters. I am concerned about your eating. Maybe check the Eating Disorders forum too.

tufty13

Tiff, that makes horrific reading and I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Perhaps go to some Al Anon meetings, the are specifically geared to people affected by others' alcoholism. You may find some comfort and support there.

I can somewhat relate to your plight but won't give any advice (beyond the above) as it would sound a tad harsh I'm sure. Take what you want from my experience.

My father was an alcoholic. My mother and I both got him into rehab numerous times. It never worked for long.

She stuck by him and it almost killed her. It ruined her life and those of her children. We are all messed up in our own way now.

She eventually divorced him but never left him, he continued to live in the house until he eventually died of liver failure.

That was twelve years ago, I rarely ever go back to that house because it brings up too many difficult memories but I do know the stench you write of clung to everything for years after his death.

She says she stayed out of loyalty but I don't think that's true. I think she stayed because it became a codependent relationship. I think it fed some of her emotional needs. She tried to control him and his drinking.

There is nothing you can do for your husband to get him sober.

Good luck, I really feel for you. Do what is best for you.

WeekendWarrior

My heart aches for you.

My only suggestion is for when you are criticized by family. It is easy to criticize, but what do they suggest? If they are going to complain, then they should suggest something because they have a better idea obviously. Also, would they like to take him in? These are legit questions you can ask, ones they honestly should answer.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

tifftreehugger

Thankyou all so much for your caring words of support. I never thought I would face loving someone, but that the love itself was not enough to sustain a marriage. It has been one way love - just from me. He is not capable of showing love anymore. His only concern is (I say in all sincerity) getting from the bed to the couch to the fridge and back again without slipping in his own urine. Basically drinking and sleeping. We haven't had time to have a 'marriage'. He has never actually 'been' a husband. Within days, perhaps a few weeks or marrying, he started this level of drinking. He just checked out. Just like that. It's still a shock. I noticed his faeces the other day (everywhere in the bathroom) - diarrhoea and black. He refused a colonoscopy two weeks ago. I believe in my heart and gut that he will not be alive by Christmas. This is something that just doesn't bare thinking about, yet will eventually be felt as a blessing. He suffers, and I'm in such emotional pain because of it all. Even detaching, not living with him. I know even leaving him will not provide closure or peace. It will simplify the family furore that will ensue following his death, by taking me out of the picture, but it will not ease my pain. I know that I won't be welcome at the funeral. They are too filled with hate and blame. That's going to be tough. BUT, I will have my own healthy support, of my family and close friends. The whole thing is painful. It's a no-win situation. Thanks again y'all. xx

chickippo

i'm so sorry this is happening. it sounds unbearable. as you live separately, is there mileage in simply telling his family you are way beyond your limit? you shouldn't have to try and clean up after someone who has no respect for themselves or for you.

it must be heartbreaking so soon after your marriage. was there any indication beforehand that there was such a significant problem?

if there is Al-Anon near you, try a meeting. you may learn how to make this awful situation bearable by detaching and letting his family do the dirty work.

again, i am so sorry. you must be devastated. there is hope for you, even if your husband doesn't have any for himself.