Weeks of no contact after 30 years of marriage and his email to me is
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Weeks of no contact after 30 years of marriage and his email to me is
We have been separated since June 1... Married for 30 years..
I saw my pastor he says definitely remain seperated, the church supports you on this just don't run quickly and head for a divorce.
See if he will change as all change is possible with God.
He says tell him your not proceeding with lawyers and your praying for your family and that AD and RAH get the help they need.
So awhile back I send the text and email... No response..
Today he comes back with how they are not the only ones that need to work on themselves that I need to because I keep leaving when times are stressful and he lives on eggshells not knowing if I'm leaving or not.
I left once 10 years ago when he was caught in a lie and faked a heart attack/ sickness that took him by ambulance.
He said I kicked him and wouldn't call ambulance which was a complete lie and he confessed he faked it later to win me back with his confession.
Asking for forgiveness.
The second time was in June when he was caught telling our AD it was ok to go to bar with cousin while she wasn't allowed to be partying while staying with us.
He hid this from me all the while telling her how mad he was with me yet sitting on couch cuddling and rubbing my feet as if all was ok..
I had no idea he was saying this till daughter finally exploded with the fakeness.
But more mad at me because poor daddy needed help to say he was angry.
Am I missing something?
Do I need to work on why I want to divorce every time we have struggles?
I saw my pastor he says definitely remain seperated, the church supports you on this just don't run quickly and head for a divorce.
See if he will change as all change is possible with God.
He says tell him your not proceeding with lawyers and your praying for your family and that AD and RAH get the help they need.
So awhile back I send the text and email... No response..
Today he comes back with how they are not the only ones that need to work on themselves that I need to because I keep leaving when times are stressful and he lives on eggshells not knowing if I'm leaving or not.
I left once 10 years ago when he was caught in a lie and faked a heart attack/ sickness that took him by ambulance.
He said I kicked him and wouldn't call ambulance which was a complete lie and he confessed he faked it later to win me back with his confession.
Asking for forgiveness.
The second time was in June when he was caught telling our AD it was ok to go to bar with cousin while she wasn't allowed to be partying while staying with us.
He hid this from me all the while telling her how mad he was with me yet sitting on couch cuddling and rubbing my feet as if all was ok..
I had no idea he was saying this till daughter finally exploded with the fakeness.
But more mad at me because poor daddy needed help to say he was angry.
Am I missing something?
Do I need to work on why I want to divorce every time we have struggles?
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Bluehawaii -
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think a common theme on the forum is that WE get blamed for all the problems, when we feel like we are the ones constantly forgiving and holding everything together.
If our loved ones were to stop blaming us for causing them to drink or whatever other problems we are "causing", they would have to take a long, hard look at themselves, and they do not want to do that, because that means they would have to address the REAL cause of the drinking...which is not us, by the way.
If you want to divorce, you do not need to rationalize your decision to anyone...your AD, your RAH, your pastor...anyone. You are in charge of yourself. Only yourself. You are allowed to do what you want.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think a common theme on the forum is that WE get blamed for all the problems, when we feel like we are the ones constantly forgiving and holding everything together.
If our loved ones were to stop blaming us for causing them to drink or whatever other problems we are "causing", they would have to take a long, hard look at themselves, and they do not want to do that, because that means they would have to address the REAL cause of the drinking...which is not us, by the way.
If you want to divorce, you do not need to rationalize your decision to anyone...your AD, your RAH, your pastor...anyone. You are in charge of yourself. Only yourself. You are allowed to do what you want.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sometimes i think churches and pastors can do US a disservice by "suggesting" that we stay, stick around, and wait for the miracle. your AH is NOT changing......he is not allowing the Universe or God, anyone or anything to have a say.
time to remove yourself as a target on the practice range. you've seen it all in THIRTY years.....how about the next 30 years be about YOU!???
time to remove yourself as a target on the practice range. you've seen it all in THIRTY years.....how about the next 30 years be about YOU!???
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
My preacher said the Bible said" don't be yoked to a drunkard"......yoked.......ouch........"to thine own self be true" don't we matter ? aren't we children of God too... ? .... recovery is about growing up- if they make bad choices their consequences.........There is an Alanon/AA movie "Love Is Not Enough" watch it.....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Blue, none of us is perfect and we all, without exception, see the world through our own eyes. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't do what we think is right in a given situation. Be careful taking advice from a pastor; he may have his own reasons for advising you to stay in a marriage when you know you're not going back.
Try to move forward steadily, don't burn you bridges or act in an extreme way, but be careful of stagnating to.
Try to move forward steadily, don't burn you bridges or act in an extreme way, but be careful of stagnating to.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Once again Anvil you hit it right on the head!! I wish there was a " like " button, I would have hit it 100 times on your response.
Blue, do what you feel you need to do for YOU! Your pastor is not living YOUR life. And yes, I think you would benefit more from a counselor schooled in addiction.
Blue, do what you feel you need to do for YOU! Your pastor is not living YOUR life. And yes, I think you would benefit more from a counselor schooled in addiction.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
I lucked out. On our first meeting my pastor told me not to wait for my qualifier to get sober, and for my own good to get out of our relationship instead of sticking around to get married. He also recommended a counseling center on a sliding scale which offered specialists in addiction. A year later I learned this priest had been in recovery for a number of years, so he really knew what I was was living with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by TimeForMe 
Bluehawaii -
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think a common theme on the forum is that WE get blamed for all the problems, when we feel like we are the ones constantly forgiving and holding everything together.
If our loved ones were to stop blaming us for causing them to drink or whatever other problems we are "causing", they would have to take a long, hard look at themselves, and they do not want to do that, because that means they would have to address the REAL cause of the drinking...which is not us, by the way.
If you want to divorce, you do not need to rationalize your decision to anyone...your AD, your RAH, your pastor...anyone. You are in charge of yourself. Only yourself. You are allowed to do what you want.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think a common theme on the forum is that WE get blamed for all the problems, when we feel like we are the ones constantly forgiving and holding everything together.
If our loved ones were to stop blaming us for causing them to drink or whatever other problems we are "causing", they would have to take a long, hard look at themselves, and they do not want to do that, because that means they would have to address the REAL cause of the drinking...which is not us, by the way.
If you want to divorce, you do not need to rationalize your decision to anyone...your AD, your RAH, your pastor...anyone. You are in charge of yourself. Only yourself. You are allowed to do what you want.
Head on straight.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by Carol Star
My preacher said the Bible said" don't be yoked to a drunkard"......yoked.......ouch........"to thine own self be true" don't we matter ? aren't we children of God too... ? .... recovery is about growing up- if they make bad choices their consequences.........There is an Alanon/AA movie "Love Is Not Enough" watch it.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Thank you you all have given me lots to think about.
I am trying to take one day at a time but it is still so scary but not as scary as when they both were here.
I'm slowly seeing things moe clearly and every day it gets easier to see things than ever before.
I am trying to take one day at a time but it is still so scary but not as scary as when they both were here.
I'm slowly seeing things moe clearly and every day it gets easier to see things than ever before.
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