sadsadgirl

I picked up again last night. I walked round and round before finally caving and going into a pub. I feel awful today, I am so scared of this beating me down again. But the cravings were so hard to beat. I don't know how to make myself stronger against them. This can't beat me, I can't go back to where I was but I'm on the slide down. How do I stop it?

ScottFromWI

Seeking help and admitting/accept that you cannot do this alone would be a good start. The fact that you came here tells me that part of you already knows that. Have you tried recovery meetings or talking with your doctor or counselor on a solution? Joining a monthly recovery class here wouldn't hurt either.

The thing about cravings is that they are just feelings, and they always pass. Having a recovery plan helps you make good decisions when they flare up.

sadsadgirl

Thanks Scott, you're right that I can't do this on my own. I feel like once I begin to crave it's game over. I think that I need to do stuff that prevents me getting to that point. I've been isolating myself the last few weeks which always puts me into prelapse

Lightning Bug

What exactly scares you? Are you afraid that you won't be able to stop? Are you afraid of not being able to drink anymore? Think about getting to the root of your fear and then work your program to address it.

Sobriety is not scary, it is freeing. It can be done. We see success every day on this board. You can have that!

MidnightRider

You got this!
Slip is over..
You know to get back up and dust yourself off.
Get back up!

Nonsensical

Seems that walking round and round wasn't as effective as you needed it to be. How can you augment your plan to make it more effective? Any thoughts?

doggonecarl

What you went round and round with was your addictive voice until you talked yourself into drinking. That's where it went bad, entering into negotiations with your addictions.

Cravings don't disappear in early recovery. They have to ignored, suffered through, or dealt with. They are beat by not giving in.

Day one. Stay strong.

Soberwolf

Glad you made it back to us

Great advice Scott

january161992

defeat
powerlessness
willingness
follow directions

Sharpy

I can relate to your feelings. This time what kept me sober in the very beginning was self care. Take care of yourself and do breathing exercises to calm yourself when a craving is powerful. Drink water slowly. Sit in meditation. Get stuck on a Netflix TV show. Write a poem. Listen to a relaxation guided meditation with earphones. Take a hot shower or a bath. Practice doing things slowly.

Don't feel bad or guilty for taking your time. Your licking your wounds, just as you'd take care of an injured bird that needs to be careful for until he can eat again or walk again. Don't expect to fly right away. Be kind to yourself.

The cravings will lessen. You deserve to be cared for. Call a close friend or someone you could talk to judgement free and express your emotions.

Come on here and post how your feeling. Private message me. Us in recovery need to help just as much as you need help right now. Things are not always clear in the beginning. Things are scary and painful , you need a friend, a community <3 you are not alone.

Mountainmanbob

Sounds easy at times but, it may not be --
Make a (serious decision) to stop drinking for good.
Remove all doubt that we can ever again drink as a normal person.
Truth is I (we) had not much of that.
A fool is one who fools themself.
I'm guilty.

May be time to put a sober tool belt together.
There are many, many different sober tools one can attain and use.
Do you have plenty and use them often ?
Or, are you crying to the wind ?
Once again -- so often I was and am guilty.
Serious questions that may take deep thought before answering.

M-Bob

U75

Quoted for emphasis.

You say that once a craving hits, it's game over, and you've already lost. You also say that you want to make it so the craving never happens. I think your failing to recognize that, no matter how much you prepare, there's never going to be a time when you don't eventually have a craving. It's great to do what you can to keep the cravings from coming, but once the inevitable craving hits, you need to have a plan to deal with it on its own terms.

Berrybean

Did you stop going to AA?

If not, why were you walking round instead of finding a meeting, or calling someone from the fellowship?

If you did (stop going) could you go back and get some support today?

sadsadgirl

I stopped going to AA, I didn't even work the steps properly when I was there. I ran away from AA because I felt I was letting my sponsor down for not going to as many meetings as she felt I should have. I believe I have forgotten that I'm powerless-I still think that I've got a choice-that I choose to drank last night. That somehow the problem with alcohol isn't bigger than me, that I didn't need to reach out to my support network and say that I'm craving.

I walked around rather than get myself home because once I was home I knew that I wouldn't drink. It's like I wanted to do it. Why am I so masochistic? I had this argument in my head saying I need to get home and that drinking will not be a good idea. But I did it anyway. It's like I'd given up the fight.

sadsadgirl

I think I've had a sober tool belt in the past but over the last few weeks stop utilising them. Better dust it off again and start over with it

sadsadgirl

Lightening bug-I'm scared that I won't beat this. I don't mean to sound big headed but I have a lot of potential to be successful in my career, but I won't realise my dreams if I can't maintain sobriety. I feel so dirty, like my alcoholism is such a big dirty secret. I just want to feel clean and have some pride in myself but I can't shake off this dirty feeling.

Berrybean

Might be time to reconsider that sponsors advice. Go back and do the work. That's when it works. Chin up. Most of us had some false starts.

sadsadgirl

Thanks Berrybean, it's reassuring to hear that most of you have had false starts. I guess I'm panicking that because I've relapsed that I'm doomed. I think-I've been to rehab and even that hasn't stopped me drinking. I have stopped taking things one day at a time.

Berrybean

I suppose once of the things that we need to accept is that recovery will need to be ongoing. There are no quick and permanent solutions. We simply learn from our sponsors and others what worked for them, and then, when we have figured out how to do that, we need to keep doing it. It took me a long time to find the necessary acceptance and willingness to get sober, and then another silly amount of time white knuckling it (just going to meetings but quietly refusing to take anyone's suggestions - obviously, I knew best lol). Once it got scary and painful enough for me to actually start doing what was suggested, then I started getting well. Like it says - half measures availed me nothing!

What are your plans for the next couple of days?

sadsadgirl

Thanks Berrybean-asking me what my plan is forces to commit to something. I'm going to catch up on the work that I have missed today by being hungover. I will have a long hot bath and clean myself up, eat some food and get some sleep.

There is a lunchtime meeting round the corner from where I work so I'll attend that. In the evening I've made plans to catch up with a friend who knows about my drinking. I told her I picked up last night. I think I'm going to revisit my step book too.

Saturday I plan to rest, catch up on sleep. Ive worked myself into the ground the last few days. I will go to another lunchtime meeting, what used to be my home group. I need to get stuck in to some recovery reading and begin journalling.