Finding myself lurking again...
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Finding myself lurking again...
Hello everybody!
It all started when I was a lurker about 2 years ago. Thanks to this forum, and a great counselor I was able to identify the issues with his alcoholism/personality disorder, as well as work on my co-dependant ways as well as grow a spine. Lol. I ended up secretly getting an apartment for our children and myself, filing for legal separation, and lived apart for 6 months. Ultimately we reconciled, and we moved back home.
Never did he get treatment, cut back (kinda, intermittently), stop, admit, etc.
But I myself, have made HUGE improvements with my mental health, I have made an entire lifestyle change, lost weight, got my personality back. I don't let his happiness affect mine. I am my own person. IT'S AWESOME.
He has been a great cheerleader.
But now we have experienced a shift in power, which is causing him to lash out verbally/emotionally as well as continue/escalate his drinking.
I receive compliments followed by a self loathing comment about himself.
He always wants to "show me off" (which could be a nice compliment but I don't like it)
Insecurities are making it hard for me to get out into my own social circle (solo - girls night out for example) without backlash.
He feels I am "judging" his weight, his eating..(and drinking I know it, but he won't mention that) but I am not, would never voice it if I was.
It effects affection. It's like I'm a sun, and he can't handle my heat. So he avoids me, or makes false promises of intimate things - that never happen.
It has caused several fights, insults, cold shoulders, no apologies.
There are great things within our marriage as well.
Any who. I am really battening down the hatches on my personal bubble of happiness. How do I maintain this emotional detachment, while still being a wife? Things were going fairly well, but I am slowly noticing old habits
and here I am. again. Detaching with love is so so hard.
This is really a vent, but any input/insight is always appreciated.
xo
It all started when I was a lurker about 2 years ago. Thanks to this forum, and a great counselor I was able to identify the issues with his alcoholism/personality disorder, as well as work on my co-dependant ways as well as grow a spine. Lol. I ended up secretly getting an apartment for our children and myself, filing for legal separation, and lived apart for 6 months. Ultimately we reconciled, and we moved back home.
Never did he get treatment, cut back (kinda, intermittently), stop, admit, etc.
But I myself, have made HUGE improvements with my mental health, I have made an entire lifestyle change, lost weight, got my personality back. I don't let his happiness affect mine. I am my own person. IT'S AWESOME.
He has been a great cheerleader.
But now we have experienced a shift in power, which is causing him to lash out verbally/emotionally as well as continue/escalate his drinking.
I receive compliments followed by a self loathing comment about himself.
He always wants to "show me off" (which could be a nice compliment but I don't like it)
Insecurities are making it hard for me to get out into my own social circle (solo - girls night out for example) without backlash.
He feels I am "judging" his weight, his eating..(and drinking I know it, but he won't mention that) but I am not, would never voice it if I was.
It effects affection. It's like I'm a sun, and he can't handle my heat. So he avoids me, or makes false promises of intimate things - that never happen.
It has caused several fights, insults, cold shoulders, no apologies.
There are great things within our marriage as well.
Any who. I am really battening down the hatches on my personal bubble of happiness. How do I maintain this emotional detachment, while still being a wife? Things were going fairly well, but I am slowly noticing old habits
and here I am. again. Detaching with love is so so hard. This is really a vent, but any input/insight is always appreciated.
xo
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
not to be simplistic, but if he is still DRINKING, it all sort of goes with the territory.
i am curious, if he did not stop or slow down his drinking, why did you reconcile? what changed? or what did you hope had changed?
he is going to keep doing what alcoholics do.......DRINK, deny, disintegrate. which totally sux, but it is what it is.
i am curious, if he did not stop or slow down his drinking, why did you reconcile? what changed? or what did you hope had changed?
he is going to keep doing what alcoholics do.......DRINK, deny, disintegrate. which totally sux, but it is what it is.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
I agree...I witness that...short spurts of greatness...that kept me hooked. But overall it was a downward progression and each time it got worse. I think there comes a time when you realize this person cannot and will not give you what you NEED as a wife. He's doing what an alcoholic does.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
It does hurt. I went back for the good times and the comfort and security of having another person in my life. And for some of us lucky ones we get some good with the bad.
Every second and third and fourth chance the relapse or the progression got worse, the good moments dissipated faster and became fewer, it is a painful cycle for sure.
I know the great things are what keep you enmeshed and I can relate, I went back time and time again. If you choose to stay and treat the continued drinking like the elephant in the room, never mention it, just sort of detach from that aspect, you can walk that tightrope for a while, but I think eventually you will have enough of it. You may just not be at that point yet.
If you have a good counselor it might be a good chance to discuss this with them, I think in your case since you are not separated you probably want to look at the three roads -- he chooses recovery, he continues drinking / you continue the struggle of detachment, you decide to leave. I don't see any other choices and only you know what you are ready for.
Sorry you are dealing with it, good for you on doing so many wonderful things for yourself and for detaching, which for some takes a lifetime of practice.
Every second and third and fourth chance the relapse or the progression got worse, the good moments dissipated faster and became fewer, it is a painful cycle for sure.
I know the great things are what keep you enmeshed and I can relate, I went back time and time again. If you choose to stay and treat the continued drinking like the elephant in the room, never mention it, just sort of detach from that aspect, you can walk that tightrope for a while, but I think eventually you will have enough of it. You may just not be at that point yet.
If you have a good counselor it might be a good chance to discuss this with them, I think in your case since you are not separated you probably want to look at the three roads -- he chooses recovery, he continues drinking / you continue the struggle of detachment, you decide to leave. I don't see any other choices and only you know what you are ready for.
Sorry you are dealing with it, good for you on doing so many wonderful things for yourself and for detaching, which for some takes a lifetime of practice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Wells 
It does hurt. I went back for the good times and the comfort and security of having another person in my life. And for some of us lucky ones we get some good with the bad.
Every second and third and fourth chance the relapse or the progression got worse, the good moments dissipated faster and became fewer, it is a painful cycle for sure.
I know the great things are what keep you enmeshed and I can relate, I went back time and time again. If you choose to stay and treat the continued drinking like the elephant in the room, never mention it, just sort of detach from that aspect, you can walk that tightrope for a while, but I think eventually you will have enough of it. You may just not be at that point yet.
If you have a good counselor it might be a good chance to discuss this with them, I think in your case since you are not separated you probably want to look at the three roads -- he chooses recovery, he continues drinking / you continue the struggle of detachment, you decide to leave. I don't see any other choices and only you know what you are ready for.
Sorry you are dealing with it, good for you on doing so many wonderful things for yourself and for detaching, which for some takes a lifetime of practice.
Every second and third and fourth chance the relapse or the progression got worse, the good moments dissipated faster and became fewer, it is a painful cycle for sure.
I know the great things are what keep you enmeshed and I can relate, I went back time and time again. If you choose to stay and treat the continued drinking like the elephant in the room, never mention it, just sort of detach from that aspect, you can walk that tightrope for a while, but I think eventually you will have enough of it. You may just not be at that point yet.
If you have a good counselor it might be a good chance to discuss this with them, I think in your case since you are not separated you probably want to look at the three roads -- he chooses recovery, he continues drinking / you continue the struggle of detachment, you decide to leave. I don't see any other choices and only you know what you are ready for.
Sorry you are dealing with it, good for you on doing so many wonderful things for yourself and for detaching, which for some takes a lifetime of practice.
The good, the history, the family, those are why I came back. If I get really honest here, a very prolonged honeymoon period. which is ending and why I'm here. Again. I don't know if I will ever be ready to leave. And he has stated, and I believe him, he will never get treatment or try on his own. It is something I need to live with since I'm making that choice.
Detachment with love is just hard.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by thousandwords53
The good, the history, the family, those are why I came back. If I get really honest here, a very prolonged honeymoon period. which is ending and why I'm here. Again. I don't know if I will ever be ready to leave. And he has stated, and I believe him, he will never get treatment or try on his own. It is something I need to live with since I'm making that choice.
Detachment with love is just hard.
Detachment with love is just hard.
him to lash out verbally/emotionally as well as continue/escalate his drinking.
??????????????
dont you feel youre worth better treatment than that?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I wish I could share some experience with you where I've found detachment to be a long-term solution to living with active addiction, but I don't have any and have never heard of anyone who has.
Alcoholism is progressive, and eventually, detachment leads to total disconnection. I believe you deserve better than that from a partner and for your one precious life.
Alcoholism is progressive, and eventually, detachment leads to total disconnection. I believe you deserve better than that from a partner and for your one precious life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Detachment with love is just hard.
You sound like you have accepted things as they are - so you're way better off than I was when I got here!
Detachment with love is really just family love, unconditional love, I think...while protecting yourself. It wasn't until my brother about killed himself in a DUI accident earlier this year that it hit me. In fact, I don't know that I ever really got 'unconditional love' until that happened....and right now, I am convinced that it is reserved for blood family. I could be TOTALLY wrong, but that's the only clarity on absolute love (for me) I have at the moment. AND - I do not have to live with my brother either
When I was living with the XABF, I could detach with anger, detach with space, and detach with with a courteous coldness, but that was about it. It took moving out for me to be able to mostly detach with love. And it took going to contact to really be able to do it.
I can love him from a far, far distance - I know the great person he is at times, and am aware of what I feel his potential is, and I hope he recovers one day because he deserves the best life.... but he has zero ability to hurt me with his sickness.
Really, i don't know how we could ever feel the RIGHT kind of love for someone that creates a hellish living environment around us.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Thousandwords-
I wonder if this is not part of the growing process for you. I know it was for me.
I was using Al-anon and at times not understanding some of the readings and bringing them into counseling. It was the combination of both that helped me often to be initially flummoxed and then get insight. I say this because for me some of the older Al-Anon readings were the most confusing for me.....in retrospect part of it was because of the cultural overlay at the time they were written and I could not separate that out from the family disease.
As I got healthier my understanding and tolerance levels shifted of how I wanted to be treated. That was not only for loved ones in my life, but how I was willing to treat myself. I still get out of balance around this at times and I usually see it in retrospect as a lack of self-care, time to myself, time to enjoy my own activities etc. Self care is not selfish!
I truly don't know that I could manage the appropriate self-care right now in your situation. It is hard enough on my own. I don't say that to shame/blame you just that it takes a lot of energy and "work" for me to treat myself appropriately......and for me that is the root of all my growth.
I wonder if this is not part of the growing process for you. I know it was for me.
I was using Al-anon and at times not understanding some of the readings and bringing them into counseling. It was the combination of both that helped me often to be initially flummoxed and then get insight. I say this because for me some of the older Al-Anon readings were the most confusing for me.....in retrospect part of it was because of the cultural overlay at the time they were written and I could not separate that out from the family disease.
As I got healthier my understanding and tolerance levels shifted of how I wanted to be treated. That was not only for loved ones in my life, but how I was willing to treat myself. I still get out of balance around this at times and I usually see it in retrospect as a lack of self-care, time to myself, time to enjoy my own activities etc. Self care is not selfish!
I truly don't know that I could manage the appropriate self-care right now in your situation. It is hard enough on my own. I don't say that to shame/blame you just that it takes a lot of energy and "work" for me to treat myself appropriately......and for me that is the root of all my growth.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
Thousandwords-
I wonder if this is not part of the growing process for you. I know it was for me.
I was using Al-anon and at times not understanding some of the readings and bringing them into counseling. It was the combination of both that helped me often to be initially flummoxed and then get insight. I say this because for me some of the older Al-Anon readings were the most confusing for me.....in retrospect part of it was because of the cultural overlay at the time they were written and I could not separate that out from the family disease.
As I got healthier my understanding and tolerance levels shifted of how I wanted to be treated. That was not only for loved ones in my life, but how I was willing to treat myself. I still get out of balance around this at times and I usually see it in retrospect as a lack of self-care, time to myself, time to enjoy my own activities etc. Self care is not selfish!.....
I wonder if this is not part of the growing process for you. I know it was for me.
I was using Al-anon and at times not understanding some of the readings and bringing them into counseling. It was the combination of both that helped me often to be initially flummoxed and then get insight. I say this because for me some of the older Al-Anon readings were the most confusing for me.....in retrospect part of it was because of the cultural overlay at the time they were written and I could not separate that out from the family disease.
As I got healthier my understanding and tolerance levels shifted of how I wanted to be treated. That was not only for loved ones in my life, but how I was willing to treat myself. I still get out of balance around this at times and I usually see it in retrospect as a lack of self-care, time to myself, time to enjoy my own activities etc. Self care is not selfish!.....
The new found awareness is mind blowing at times. My changes are amping up his levels in a subconscious level. It's forcing his glaring problems right to the front row with a spotlight. I hate to see someone I love self destruct and know I can't help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by tomsteve
so youre saying youre good with
him to lash out verbally/emotionally as well as continue/escalate his drinking.
??????????????
dont you feel youre worth better treatment than that?
him to lash out verbally/emotionally as well as continue/escalate his drinking.
??????????????
dont you feel youre worth better treatment than that?
And I do deserve better, I know that much more than I did a year ago. I wish that I had this mindset and clarity a year ago when I loved back home. I'm dealing with the outcome now. So here I am.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Thousandwords, just keep posting and coming here. I feel for you in the position you are.
We are all learning so much more with every passing year. I have read a lot of stories like yours and felt similar feelings.
You learn more about their issues, and your own issues, but your heart keeps pulling you back.
Sadly, most of the threads I have seen, which track over time or even years, it seems every time someone comes back giving another chance, it gets worse, at least, when they allow the drinking to continue.
I still miss my ex but I know I could not even consider getting into any kind of relationship with her again unless she was in a genuine recovery. If I had her back, and I suspected she was sneaking drinks or just said she would control it better, it would be red flag enough for me to know it's not for me.
I know it's hard because you are still together, true detachment is almost impossible, and also because as you say he is a person that you love.
Take care of you today.
We are all learning so much more with every passing year. I have read a lot of stories like yours and felt similar feelings.
You learn more about their issues, and your own issues, but your heart keeps pulling you back.
Sadly, most of the threads I have seen, which track over time or even years, it seems every time someone comes back giving another chance, it gets worse, at least, when they allow the drinking to continue.
I still miss my ex but I know I could not even consider getting into any kind of relationship with her again unless she was in a genuine recovery. If I had her back, and I suspected she was sneaking drinks or just said she would control it better, it would be red flag enough for me to know it's not for me.
I know it's hard because you are still together, true detachment is almost impossible, and also because as you say he is a person that you love.
Take care of you today.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
When I was living with the XABF, I could detach with anger, detach with space, and detach with with a courteous coldness, but that was about it. It took moving out for me to be able to mostly detach with love. And it took going no contact to really be able to do it.
I can love him from a far, far distance - I know the great person he is at times, and am aware of what I feel his potential is, and I hope he recovers one day because he deserves the best life.... but he has zero ability to hurt me with his sickness.
Really, i don't know how we could ever feel the RIGHT kind of love for someone that creates a hellish living environment around us.
I can love him from a far, far distance - I know the great person he is at times, and am aware of what I feel his potential is, and I hope he recovers one day because he deserves the best life.... but he has zero ability to hurt me with his sickness.
Really, i don't know how we could ever feel the RIGHT kind of love for someone that creates a hellish living environment around us.
I'm not trying to have a relationship w/someone whose focus and priorities are completely different from mine, someone who has not done me the common courtesy of telling me the truth and given me the chance to make my own choices based on that truth.
Had we remained together, I would never have been able to let him live his life as he chooses b/c those choices would have affected my life too. For me, "detachment" wouldn't cover the real-world consequences of his choices and actions on my life. I think this is part of why detachment often doesn't work as a long-term solution.
I posted this a while ago and I often think of it, in many situations besides the one w/XAH:
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
GREAT post, honeypig--one of the things I always felt, too, was that it was better, all-around, to leave before the bitterness got to the point where you hated (or felt you hated) the other person. I think it's much easier to eventually achieve that kind of serene detachment when you haven't run yourself and the other person completely into the ground trying to force solutions.
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