Grace70

I have been separated for almost three weeks from my husband. We have been married for 30 years. His drinking has gotten worse and his anger and verbal abuse increased with the drinking. He moved to his mother's house. My hope for the separation was that he would realize what he was losing (me, his children, 5 grandchildren, and all we've worked for) and it would cause him to hit his rock bottom and try to quit and come back home. The problem is that he now has his mother who is cooking for him, doing his laundry, driving him around, and allowing him to drink in her home. She had told him he couldn't bring that to her house. She struggles financially and I can't help but wonder if she is allowing him to do whatever he wants because he's paying her rent, buying food, etc. I had been wondering if I should try to talk to her about how she is enabling him but I really feel like it would fall on deaf ears. I am feeling like he is going to be so comfortable with the this that he won't want to quit. Even if it means losing his family.

rae145

Sorry for what you're going through. I too was married for 32 yrs but divorced my husband. It took him about 2 months to find a replacement. It hurts and it is pain like I've never felt before. Why is your husband going to lose his children and grandchildren? Will they refuse to interact with him bc you've told them not to do So? I'm sure his mother is doing everything for him just like you did and now suspect. Grrr that's aggravating for you! Read some of the posts-they will help you get through this.

Grace70

He's losing the relationship with them because of his actions. I tried to downplay his drinking to them but as they got older and his drinking increased that became impossible. The whole family gets together once a week and he would never come in the house to be with them. If he did come in he would stagger to the bedroom and go to bed. It was their decision. They both said if he couldn't spend sober time with him in our house they weren't driving somewhere else to see him drunk. And they don't want their children exposed to that. Yes his mother is taking care of him now just like I did and it infuriates me. I know it probably shouldn't. It surprises me how incredibly sad I am. He spent all of his time here when he wasn't at work drinking, being paranoid, and angry. Usually cursing at me and calling me names. I should feel relieved but I just feel so sad. How long did it take for that to lessen for you? Or has it?

LexieCat

The relationship between him and his mother is their business, not yours. It's too bad that you separated with an expectation (let's face it, there was more than mere "hope" involved) that he would see the light and straighten out. You were trying to control his alcoholism, and that's what's driving your urge to "have a talk" with his mother.

Enabling doesn't help the situation, but she's no more responsible for his drinking than you were. You could run around and tell everyone who knows him not to enable him, but he'd still manage to find a way to drink.

What are you doing to put yourself in a good, secure position now that he's gone? Are you in good shape financially? Do you have a good lawyer?

rae145

Some days the pain lessens and some days it's just as intense the day I found out he had a gf. It's a long road and a struggle but be aware of the strength you have- it takes courage leaving an accustomed environment even though it was a sh***y.
My exa probably doesn't even remember much of the last 20 years.

thephoenixrises

Change is always hard-even when it's for the best. He is what he is-YOU have so many possibilities ahead of you !

Grace70

Yes Lexiecat, I realized that I did have a huge expectation that is fueling much of the hurt I'm experiencing right now. And I realize their relationship has nothing to do with me and I'm trying to let go of the desire to find a way to "fix" him. Nothing I tried for 30 years worked. And I know that it is totally his choice to drink and his choice to stop. No one can make those choices for him. I have started going to a bible study group and I have a very supportive family. Financially I am good. Right after I told him he had to leave I was approached about a full time job with benefits. I currently work part time. Our house is paid off and we hardly had any bills. So far he's agreed that if I don't ask for alimony he will walk away empty handed. I consulted a lawyer and I have legal separation papers I'm waiting for him to sign. He's dragging his feet probably hoping I'll back down. I just wish I could skip the sad feelings but I know they have to happen. Thank you all for your responses.

Bekindalways

Hi Grace and welcome to SR. Please do everything you can to take care of yourself. Y

our AH and his mother may very well continue along a path that is not healthy. You can not do anything about this. However you can change yourself and your own actions.

Hugs and courage to you!

LexieCat

Good, glad to hear you are taking care of yourself.

I know it's disappointing, but if I were you, I'd work VERY hard at getting to acceptance. You will probably always feel sad that things turned out this way, but it won't dominate your life. Right now the feelings are at their most acute. I'm about 17 years from my last (short-lived) marriage, and I feel sorry that my husband made the choices he did, but I am SO glad I didn't stick around to watch how much worse things probably got. As far as I know he's still drinking himself to death. I have a great life--one that had a few bumps along the way, but that's just how life works.

Hugs, work on letting go.

dandylion

Grace70......it probably is just a mater of time until his anger and verbal abuse is turned on his mother. He is, no doubt, still on his best behavior....as it has only been 3wks.
I am a mother, myself...so, I don't envy her position...in the same way that I don't envy yours.
Think of it this way---you can divorce him...but, a mother can never divorce her child.....
I understand your sadness....30yrs. is a long time. You will have your period of grieving.....no way around that....
This is a very hard time....but, it will eventually pass...and, it won't always feel like it does, right now..

dandyion