I can't ignore it right now... his birthday
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
I can't ignore it right now... his birthday
I have thought I was dealing better, but I guess I've just been sticking my head in the sand.
My brother's birthday is approaching and I'm just sick. Birthdays are normally a really big deal in our family. There's a big dinner and party and everyone comes.
All of my family's different emotions are surfacing as the day approaches. One of my parents and I miss him and aren't mad. One of my parents is acting mad but I think it's a mask for other emotions. Other family members are really mad at him. (He has done some terrible things recently.)
So... the birthday celebration is this big elephant in the room. Since my parents are split in emotions, I don't even know if they're planning a party or if they'll contact him. I know he won't contact them first. It's like a stand-off where everyone gets their feelings hurt. He's emotional, too. He'll be hurt if there's no birthday celebration. But he won't ask why. He'll make up his own reasons in his head where he is an innocent victim.
I just want to patch everything together. I want to throw the party. I want him to show up on time and sober. I want no one to confront him about anything. I want just one day where we just pretend to be a functional family. I don't think that's going to happen, though.
I don't think I have made any progress at all, other than learning to say no. But I lost my brother when I quit doing what he wanted me to.
My brother's birthday is approaching and I'm just sick. Birthdays are normally a really big deal in our family. There's a big dinner and party and everyone comes.
All of my family's different emotions are surfacing as the day approaches. One of my parents and I miss him and aren't mad. One of my parents is acting mad but I think it's a mask for other emotions. Other family members are really mad at him. (He has done some terrible things recently.)
So... the birthday celebration is this big elephant in the room. Since my parents are split in emotions, I don't even know if they're planning a party or if they'll contact him. I know he won't contact them first. It's like a stand-off where everyone gets their feelings hurt. He's emotional, too. He'll be hurt if there's no birthday celebration. But he won't ask why. He'll make up his own reasons in his head where he is an innocent victim.
I just want to patch everything together. I want to throw the party. I want him to show up on time and sober. I want no one to confront him about anything. I want just one day where we just pretend to be a functional family. I don't think that's going to happen, though.
I don't think I have made any progress at all, other than learning to say no. But I lost my brother when I quit doing what he wanted me to.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think what you really want is a brother who is ready to take responsibility for his own life and how he has hurt others.
But that isn't what you've got today, and it's not going to be what you've got by the time his birthday comes along.
Everyone in the family is allowed to have feelings about this. I always find it very hard to accept that members of my family feel differently about something than I do, but it is the only way I have ever found peace.
Forcing a celebration at this time will only cause resentments between everyone involved, and it will only reinforce the idea for your brother that he can live his entire life without consequences.
He's not a child, my friend. He gets to live the way he prefers. You do too.
I know it feels like learning to say no has cost you a brother. But you have gained the foundation of self-respect you will need in order to move out of this place of feeling responsible for managing everyone else's feelings. They don't need you to do that. And you do it at the neglect of your own self-care and serenity.
But that isn't what you've got today, and it's not going to be what you've got by the time his birthday comes along.
Everyone in the family is allowed to have feelings about this. I always find it very hard to accept that members of my family feel differently about something than I do, but it is the only way I have ever found peace.
Forcing a celebration at this time will only cause resentments between everyone involved, and it will only reinforce the idea for your brother that he can live his entire life without consequences.
He's not a child, my friend. He gets to live the way he prefers. You do too.
I know it feels like learning to say no has cost you a brother. But you have gained the foundation of self-respect you will need in order to move out of this place of feeling responsible for managing everyone else's feelings. They don't need you to do that. And you do it at the neglect of your own self-care and serenity.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
One line that always helped me was "If you're doing this, you are telling me that..."
So when your brother did the things he did, he was telling you that he wasn't ready to have a birthday celebration.
When your brother shows up high at other family functions, he's telling you that he isn't ready to show up sober to others.
When he doesn't contact other family members, he's telling you that he doesn't want to interact with them.
And actions speak louder than words.
Why would you be happy with pretending?
It is not fun. When my parents found out about my sister's affair, we all had to get together for my niece's birthday. My sister and now ex-husband had to pretend they were still together because other families were invited. We all pretended that day, and frankly it was one of the saddest days I can remember ever. My parents, who took it especially hard, literally walked around like zombies.
Believe me, I GET it. My family can be pretty dysfunctional too, especially my extended one. All you can do is try to live as the functional, rich and thriving life you want for yourself, and forgive yourself when you muck up.
Hugs to you.
So when your brother did the things he did, he was telling you that he wasn't ready to have a birthday celebration.
When your brother shows up high at other family functions, he's telling you that he isn't ready to show up sober to others.
When he doesn't contact other family members, he's telling you that he doesn't want to interact with them.
And actions speak louder than words.
I want just one day where we just pretend to be a functional family.
It is not fun. When my parents found out about my sister's affair, we all had to get together for my niece's birthday. My sister and now ex-husband had to pretend they were still together because other families were invited. We all pretended that day, and frankly it was one of the saddest days I can remember ever. My parents, who took it especially hard, literally walked around like zombies.
Believe me, I GET it. My family can be pretty dysfunctional too, especially my extended one. All you can do is try to live as the functional, rich and thriving life you want for yourself, and forgive yourself when you muck up.
Hugs to you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Anvil has such clarity, what she said sums it up pretty well.
WeakGirl, we all wish things were better, like they used to be, but times change, traditions change and facing reality may be painful but it's how we grow.
Hugs
WeakGirl, we all wish things were better, like they used to be, but times change, traditions change and facing reality may be painful but it's how we grow.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 68
Weakgirl......
I know exactly where you are coming from. I am not a good one to give advice but, I felt the same way you did a few weeks ago when it was my Son's b-day. This is the 2nd one he has not been here for. I had a rough time with it as well. But, it's HIS choice not ours.
Birthday's for us was always a big deal too. He knows that. I always made him a big dinner and his chocolate cake with peanut butter icing. All I can say is that it's THEIR choice to live the life they are living. It's THEIR choice to stay away........
Every time we have a b-day party or a get together I think of all that he is missing out on. It's not easy to take family pics and he's not in them. I just have to keep remembering that it's HIS choice. It makes it somewhat easier to go on without him.
I want things to go back to what our family used to be but, I've come to realize that probably won't ever happen....
Hugs to you......
I know exactly where you are coming from. I am not a good one to give advice but, I felt the same way you did a few weeks ago when it was my Son's b-day. This is the 2nd one he has not been here for. I had a rough time with it as well. But, it's HIS choice not ours.
Birthday's for us was always a big deal too. He knows that. I always made him a big dinner and his chocolate cake with peanut butter icing. All I can say is that it's THEIR choice to live the life they are living. It's THEIR choice to stay away........
Every time we have a b-day party or a get together I think of all that he is missing out on. It's not easy to take family pics and he's not in them. I just have to keep remembering that it's HIS choice. It makes it somewhat easier to go on without him.
I want things to go back to what our family used to be but, I've come to realize that probably won't ever happen....
Hugs to you......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
Thank you all for the support and encouragement. I do need to just accept it and move on.
It's hard for me not to make a big deal out of birthdays. In my family, and most of my culture, birthdays are bigger celebrations than say Christmas, Easter, etc for other people. We were very, very poor and I was a chronically ill, expensive to raise, child. The big birthday deal was that you could pick any food you wanted to eat. Other holidays were more difficult because there are so many financial pulls outside of the home. Anyway, birthdays are a big, very big deal for me. In my husband's family, they're barely observed unless it's a 50th or a child or something, which is foreign to me. They all thought I was crazy the first time he had a birthday after we married. haha
But, in the end, there's no changing the situation. Those who are angry have every right. He's lied, stolen, manipulated, used, abused, yelled at, cursed at people, etc. to no end. He has his resentments against all of us, too. No matter our intentions, no one really wants to be told that they're in the wrong.
I don't want to deal. (Insert pouty face here. lol) I just want him to be happy, healthy and clean. I want us to ALL, y'alls families and mine, to be happy, healthy, functional... is that too much to ask? haha
Thanks for letting me vent in a safe space!
It's hard for me not to make a big deal out of birthdays. In my family, and most of my culture, birthdays are bigger celebrations than say Christmas, Easter, etc for other people. We were very, very poor and I was a chronically ill, expensive to raise, child. The big birthday deal was that you could pick any food you wanted to eat. Other holidays were more difficult because there are so many financial pulls outside of the home. Anyway, birthdays are a big, very big deal for me. In my husband's family, they're barely observed unless it's a 50th or a child or something, which is foreign to me. They all thought I was crazy the first time he had a birthday after we married. haha
But, in the end, there's no changing the situation. Those who are angry have every right. He's lied, stolen, manipulated, used, abused, yelled at, cursed at people, etc. to no end. He has his resentments against all of us, too. No matter our intentions, no one really wants to be told that they're in the wrong.
I don't want to deal. (Insert pouty face here. lol) I just want him to be happy, healthy and clean. I want us to ALL, y'alls families and mine, to be happy, healthy, functional... is that too much to ask? haha
Thanks for letting me vent in a safe space!
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