More "Blah" Days in Early Recovery...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
More "Blah" Days in Early Recovery...
Another tough couple of days here for me in early recovery. So far, a lot of my experience in asking her to move out has been what I feared would happen -- It's what kept me in the relationship for so long, too. I'm lonely.
I had friends over for a weekend BBQ from out of town, so a house full of people and noise, which has gone suddenly empty and quiet. It's always worse after you get used to the activity and the company, to go down to nothing again. It didn't help that we had alcohol at the BBQ, I drank, and of course the hangover you feel the next day is depressing. Not to mention, the guilt I feel when I drink now since it's the reason I asked my ex to leave. Despite having a different kind of relationship with alcohol than she does, I still feel hypocritical when I drink it. She's sort of ruined it for me I guess. I like the social aspects of it but hate the way I feel the next day after I drink now. I suppose that is just the alcohol's depressive nature taking an already depressing situation (the fact that I am alone) and pumping up the feelings there. Yesterday was a depressing, blah day where I found myself unmotivated and not at all optimistic about the future.
I'm missing her again today -- Despite all the struggle, it was easier to stay, because I had someone in my life at least some of the time. Yep, that's what it has boiled down to. I'm so messed up that I'm willing to accept half a person (or less than half) instead of complete loving person. Just because it is better than no person. I thought it would be easier to break up than to stay together, now I'm starting to question if it wasn't the other way around. If staying and just putting up with it would have been better because at least I'd still have someone, sometimes. Sick, I know.
Remaining in limited contact has slowed things as well. Yet, like the sick person I am, I enjoy hearing from her. I miss her and I miss the relationship. I assume much like the drinker who puts down the bottle, putting down the relationship is just as difficult (some say, even harder). I know she and the dog are mere miles away and it's so difficult to be so close yet so far at the same time.
I get the impression she would like to come home and act like this never happened - But there's just no way I can break down again and let her back in with alcohol a part of her life. I'm not even sure she's capable of even a temporary stop in drinking for a long enough point to get me to take her back, and even if she were, I'm so worried it would only be temporary. So it's probably a good thing as I wouldn't want to be fooled and have the rug pulled out from under me. The last couple times we broke or almost broke, we were back out having drinks within days. This has to finally be the time the boundary sticks. Alcohol was destroying our relationship. It is not a welcome guest. I'd like to give up the social drinking too, and already decided I don't want to even have anything to drink here at the house alone. Not even an occasional beer with dinner. I don't see the purpose.
The limited contact we have had paints a picture of her trying to rebuild, but also has left this strange open door feeling between us -- I think both of us don't want to let go -- but the amazing thing is that even if she's trying to find a way back, she hasn't displayed any interest in recovery or stopping with the drink. It's like the notion of an alcohol-free life is not even on the table for her (it has just become too much a part of her lifestyle) and the benefits of coming home to rebuild a life together aren't worth leaving the drink behind. Alcohol has become the elephant in the room we dare not speak of or doesn't exist. So, the interactions I have with her, limited as they are, are alcohol and drama-free. It's like when she texts, or stops by to get more things, I'm seeing a glimpse of what that "normal life" I wanted with her so much would have been like. It's tough. Because for all I know there's a bunch of booze for her in the future just moments later. But these things, I no longer see.
It remains tough for me to come to terms with the fact that she and the dog are going to be out of my life forever, and that I'm going to have to live out my remaining years either alone, or starting over. Being alone has not been great. I keep busy but at times feel the void in my life and it's crushing. I'll come here to read or post and vent (like today) and that's how I get through it.
I'm not going to do anything crazy, like just open the door back up and welcome her and the alcohol back into my life. It's just hard right now because for the last 10 years it was what I did. I don't want to feel this way, I want to be the strong person everyone tells me to be, go into no contact, stop thinking about her, stop caring, lead this active happy life by myself and just be SO thankful she is out of my life peacefully and civilly. I want to be able to do that. But my brain just keeps telling me how I miss her and I'm falling into the trap of false hope that she somehow wants recovery and that THIS TIME is different than all the other times, and she wants to kick the habit and come home to me. I want to shake the false hope, I want to shake the loneliness and the dreams of something that I know everyone says is just not possible.
Why can't she just quit drinking and come home and everything be great? Sigh. I feel so cheated of a life today. We have the power in ourselves to fix this! Why can't we do it?
I had friends over for a weekend BBQ from out of town, so a house full of people and noise, which has gone suddenly empty and quiet. It's always worse after you get used to the activity and the company, to go down to nothing again. It didn't help that we had alcohol at the BBQ, I drank, and of course the hangover you feel the next day is depressing. Not to mention, the guilt I feel when I drink now since it's the reason I asked my ex to leave. Despite having a different kind of relationship with alcohol than she does, I still feel hypocritical when I drink it. She's sort of ruined it for me I guess. I like the social aspects of it but hate the way I feel the next day after I drink now. I suppose that is just the alcohol's depressive nature taking an already depressing situation (the fact that I am alone) and pumping up the feelings there. Yesterday was a depressing, blah day where I found myself unmotivated and not at all optimistic about the future.
I'm missing her again today -- Despite all the struggle, it was easier to stay, because I had someone in my life at least some of the time. Yep, that's what it has boiled down to. I'm so messed up that I'm willing to accept half a person (or less than half) instead of complete loving person. Just because it is better than no person. I thought it would be easier to break up than to stay together, now I'm starting to question if it wasn't the other way around. If staying and just putting up with it would have been better because at least I'd still have someone, sometimes. Sick, I know.
Remaining in limited contact has slowed things as well. Yet, like the sick person I am, I enjoy hearing from her. I miss her and I miss the relationship. I assume much like the drinker who puts down the bottle, putting down the relationship is just as difficult (some say, even harder). I know she and the dog are mere miles away and it's so difficult to be so close yet so far at the same time.
I get the impression she would like to come home and act like this never happened - But there's just no way I can break down again and let her back in with alcohol a part of her life. I'm not even sure she's capable of even a temporary stop in drinking for a long enough point to get me to take her back, and even if she were, I'm so worried it would only be temporary. So it's probably a good thing as I wouldn't want to be fooled and have the rug pulled out from under me. The last couple times we broke or almost broke, we were back out having drinks within days. This has to finally be the time the boundary sticks. Alcohol was destroying our relationship. It is not a welcome guest. I'd like to give up the social drinking too, and already decided I don't want to even have anything to drink here at the house alone. Not even an occasional beer with dinner. I don't see the purpose.
The limited contact we have had paints a picture of her trying to rebuild, but also has left this strange open door feeling between us -- I think both of us don't want to let go -- but the amazing thing is that even if she's trying to find a way back, she hasn't displayed any interest in recovery or stopping with the drink. It's like the notion of an alcohol-free life is not even on the table for her (it has just become too much a part of her lifestyle) and the benefits of coming home to rebuild a life together aren't worth leaving the drink behind. Alcohol has become the elephant in the room we dare not speak of or doesn't exist. So, the interactions I have with her, limited as they are, are alcohol and drama-free. It's like when she texts, or stops by to get more things, I'm seeing a glimpse of what that "normal life" I wanted with her so much would have been like. It's tough. Because for all I know there's a bunch of booze for her in the future just moments later. But these things, I no longer see.
It remains tough for me to come to terms with the fact that she and the dog are going to be out of my life forever, and that I'm going to have to live out my remaining years either alone, or starting over. Being alone has not been great. I keep busy but at times feel the void in my life and it's crushing. I'll come here to read or post and vent (like today) and that's how I get through it.
I'm not going to do anything crazy, like just open the door back up and welcome her and the alcohol back into my life. It's just hard right now because for the last 10 years it was what I did. I don't want to feel this way, I want to be the strong person everyone tells me to be, go into no contact, stop thinking about her, stop caring, lead this active happy life by myself and just be SO thankful she is out of my life peacefully and civilly. I want to be able to do that. But my brain just keeps telling me how I miss her and I'm falling into the trap of false hope that she somehow wants recovery and that THIS TIME is different than all the other times, and she wants to kick the habit and come home to me. I want to shake the false hope, I want to shake the loneliness and the dreams of something that I know everyone says is just not possible.
Why can't she just quit drinking and come home and everything be great? Sigh. I feel so cheated of a life today. We have the power in ourselves to fix this! Why can't we do it?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
We have the power in ourselves to fix this! Why can't we do it?
YOU do not have the power to fix HER or HER problem. SHE does. and SHE is not using that power.
what's the story about a fish and a butterfly or whatever ? the fish can't fly and the butterfly can't swim......
really think hard about this limited contact.
YOU do not have the power to fix HER or HER problem. SHE does. and SHE is not using that power.
what's the story about a fish and a butterfly or whatever ? the fish can't fly and the butterfly can't swim......
really think hard about this limited contact.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Hang in there, my friend. I'm sure it's not easy. We are here for you.
It's our wedding anniversary today, and I'm sad too - how pathetic is that?! The thoughts of 'what was', of "what could have been', etc. I understand where you're coming from, I really do.
COD
It's our wedding anniversary today, and I'm sad too - how pathetic is that?! The thoughts of 'what was', of "what could have been', etc. I understand where you're coming from, I really do.
COD
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,977
Hey Wells, grieving is so, so tough. I remember having the dream of how things could be between my qualifier and myself. That dream was so absolutely beautiful. Letting it go was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.
Big hug to you. May you heal a teeny bit every day!!
Big hug to you. May you heal a teeny bit every day!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
Hi Wells. I think over time many of us (and I'm among them) come to accept less and less from the other person, just so that we can enjoy the moments when they're sober and, therefore, not lonely. I look back at the many years with my AH. Over the years, my expectations got lower, and lower; he didn't have to hold on to a full time job, he didn't have to contribute significantly financially, he helped me with our child when he wanted to and only at a bare minimum. Finally, the only standard I had was that he stay sober - and he didn't even keep that. So when I miss our "together" time I try to remember that overall, the negative really outweighed the positive; in spite of the fact that I often enjoy his company when he's sober (and he'd go long stretches, so it was easy for me to "forget" the monster that lurked beneath).
I don't think you need to assume you'll be lonely forever, or that you will never find a healthy relationship. It's fine to accept that for now, you're where you are, and that's ok. And hey, maybe in a few months time you can consider adopting a doggie? Not to replace the other one, but as a dog lover I know how magical they are. I instantly feel stress relief when I see one on the street.
Hang in there. It's hard as ever, but it'll get better.
I don't think you need to assume you'll be lonely forever, or that you will never find a healthy relationship. It's fine to accept that for now, you're where you are, and that's ok. And hey, maybe in a few months time you can consider adopting a doggie? Not to replace the other one, but as a dog lover I know how magical they are. I instantly feel stress relief when I see one on the street.
Hang in there. It's hard as ever, but it'll get better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I am exactly where you are... well, the end of my relationship with my abf is lingering anyhow.
I quit drinking almost a year ago because I was just so sick at all of the destruction I realized it caused me and my loved ones. I do miss the social aspect, but I've managed to have a fine life without it.
I miss him. In my mind, I can't list enough negative aspects about our relationship that outweigh the good. He was trying...? A month would go by and he'd drink again. What got me this last go around is that it wasn't like he was working towards sobriety, but that he was just abstaining as long as he could, and then when he finally allowed himself to give in and drink, it would be so much that he's been blacking out practically every time, not remembering what he's done or that he even went back to the liquor store to purchase a bottle of liquor.
What it came down to was realizing that my presence wasn't helping him, but rather, it was hurting me. My health has been declining and I can't function like this.
I want so badly to take the advice of the long timers here and just believe that the drinking always gets worse... that it always changes people... because it didn't with my step dad (also an alcoholic) who always remained a great guy, except, he died from liver cancer before he was 60! That's the reality of alcohol.
The best advice I've heard and am trying to apply is that letting them go IS loving them. They're stuck. They're suffering. And nothing WE do can help them or "fix" them. Allow them the dignity to learn to rely on themselves and their higher power because that's part of the problem... that alcohol is their crutch and the "answer" to everything. Allow them to grow. Allow them the necessity to reach for a higher power and to learn the tools of sobriety without our constant meddling of care taking, worrying, fixing, saving, nurturing, rescuing, controlling, or especially our enabling. And allow ourselves the blessing of truth.
I know it's difficult to believe that both realities that our partners present are true, but they are. And unfortunately, alcohol will keep winning that battle until they are good and ready and sick and tired of it all.... much like it has to be for us.
I quit drinking almost a year ago because I was just so sick at all of the destruction I realized it caused me and my loved ones. I do miss the social aspect, but I've managed to have a fine life without it.
I miss him. In my mind, I can't list enough negative aspects about our relationship that outweigh the good. He was trying...? A month would go by and he'd drink again. What got me this last go around is that it wasn't like he was working towards sobriety, but that he was just abstaining as long as he could, and then when he finally allowed himself to give in and drink, it would be so much that he's been blacking out practically every time, not remembering what he's done or that he even went back to the liquor store to purchase a bottle of liquor.
What it came down to was realizing that my presence wasn't helping him, but rather, it was hurting me. My health has been declining and I can't function like this.
I want so badly to take the advice of the long timers here and just believe that the drinking always gets worse... that it always changes people... because it didn't with my step dad (also an alcoholic) who always remained a great guy, except, he died from liver cancer before he was 60! That's the reality of alcohol.
The best advice I've heard and am trying to apply is that letting them go IS loving them. They're stuck. They're suffering. And nothing WE do can help them or "fix" them. Allow them the dignity to learn to rely on themselves and their higher power because that's part of the problem... that alcohol is their crutch and the "answer" to everything. Allow them to grow. Allow them the necessity to reach for a higher power and to learn the tools of sobriety without our constant meddling of care taking, worrying, fixing, saving, nurturing, rescuing, controlling, or especially our enabling. And allow ourselves the blessing of truth.
I know it's difficult to believe that both realities that our partners present are true, but they are. And unfortunately, alcohol will keep winning that battle until they are good and ready and sick and tired of it all.... much like it has to be for us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
You know that the relationship between alcoholic and codependent is nothing more than a game of Chicken - who will swerve? Will it be you? You have been swerving for 10 years. She is still on the straight and narrow, what you are being presented is not the way it really is. You see it, you just don't FEEL it.
If she were to come back you would most likely have another honeymoon that lasts a day, a week or a month. She gets her way, you get another headache. We have a tendency to romanticize what was when it hurts to get over it. Maybe it wasnt that bad...........This is worse than living with her...........I don't feel better only, she coming back can fix it.
An idle mind is the Devil's playground - it sounds like the weekends are tough for you. The silent house is kicking your a$$. Only you can do something about that - you have got to move toward a good relationship with yourself as company, rather than fall into the abyss of defining silence that makes you depressed, lonely, and having a poor outlook ( I'm going to have to live out my remaining years either alone, or starting over). This sounds like someone who is 90 that just lost their spouse.
Grieving is a part of it, not saying you should be jumping up and down with enthusiasm, or deliriously happy every moment of the day. You've got to find away to make peace with the house. I know for me that would be working on it from sun up to sundown, painting, building, gardening, tiling, ANY project - the more difficult the better. That's how I made peace with my house when it was empty and deafening after my last break up.
You have written before that alcohol is not boding well with you. No, its the worst to already be depressed then compound it by feeling like crap and laying on the couch all day to recover. I think having friends over is good, but why not have yourself some Non-Alcoholic beer to sip on? Since you have no problems with alcohol this would be a good alternative for you. When you start feeling better then have your drinks if you wish - or never again - whatever works.
I commend you for staying strong and not having given in. While I understand that contact from her is a good feeling for you I encourage you to go no contact. Its confusing you and messing with your head. She needs to get all her things OUT. The dilly dallying in doing so has left the door open for her to dangle a big juicy carrot in front of your face. The carrot is really bitter, and not sweet at all.
If she were to come back you would most likely have another honeymoon that lasts a day, a week or a month. She gets her way, you get another headache. We have a tendency to romanticize what was when it hurts to get over it. Maybe it wasnt that bad...........This is worse than living with her...........I don't feel better only, she coming back can fix it.
An idle mind is the Devil's playground - it sounds like the weekends are tough for you. The silent house is kicking your a$$. Only you can do something about that - you have got to move toward a good relationship with yourself as company, rather than fall into the abyss of defining silence that makes you depressed, lonely, and having a poor outlook ( I'm going to have to live out my remaining years either alone, or starting over). This sounds like someone who is 90 that just lost their spouse.
Grieving is a part of it, not saying you should be jumping up and down with enthusiasm, or deliriously happy every moment of the day. You've got to find away to make peace with the house. I know for me that would be working on it from sun up to sundown, painting, building, gardening, tiling, ANY project - the more difficult the better. That's how I made peace with my house when it was empty and deafening after my last break up.
You have written before that alcohol is not boding well with you. No, its the worst to already be depressed then compound it by feeling like crap and laying on the couch all day to recover. I think having friends over is good, but why not have yourself some Non-Alcoholic beer to sip on? Since you have no problems with alcohol this would be a good alternative for you. When you start feeling better then have your drinks if you wish - or never again - whatever works.
I commend you for staying strong and not having given in. While I understand that contact from her is a good feeling for you I encourage you to go no contact. Its confusing you and messing with your head. She needs to get all her things OUT. The dilly dallying in doing so has left the door open for her to dangle a big juicy carrot in front of your face. The carrot is really bitter, and not sweet at all.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
A few thoughts pop while reading your OP Wells:
I had to stop drinking in early recovery because while I don't believe I'm an alcoholic, I definitely found that I CANNOT drink while I'm emotional..... no clue how anyone hides their emotions in a bottle, honestly! I'm the opposite, I get much more focused on what is upsetting me while I'm drinking & then it's 10x worse the next day. The hangover was always 80% emotions & 20% alcohol.
It's not an impression,
that's called reality. She is just waiting, like always. This time it's just taking you longer to "get over it".
Are you sure that LC is working for you? It honestly sounds like it's giving you a reason to stay enmeshed & keep tabs on her lack of recovery. Did she indicate in any way that she was ever interested in recovery? Why in the world would you expect her to suddenly decide to change her mind? This is a perfect example of Unreasonable Expectations, in my book. She's showing you exactly who she is & you want to ponder the deep meaning behind it all. It's not deep. She's an alcoholic. Her DOC is the most important person in her life right now.
I'm sorry you are struggling Wells but it sounds like you need something New to focus on..... a new hobby, a new class, a new route to work, a new gym, whatever...... something to change up the routine completely & give you something new to shift your focus to so that you can stop looking backward. JMHO, of course! (((Hugs)))
I had to stop drinking in early recovery because while I don't believe I'm an alcoholic, I definitely found that I CANNOT drink while I'm emotional..... no clue how anyone hides their emotions in a bottle, honestly! I'm the opposite, I get much more focused on what is upsetting me while I'm drinking & then it's 10x worse the next day. The hangover was always 80% emotions & 20% alcohol.
I get the impression she would like to come home and act like this never happened
It's not an impression,
because for the last 10 years it was what I did
that's called reality. She is just waiting, like always. This time it's just taking you longer to "get over it".
The limited contact we have had paints a picture of her trying to rebuild, but also has left this strange open door feeling between us -- I think both of us don't want to let go -- but the amazing thing is that even if she's trying to find a way back, she hasn't displayed any interest in recovery or stopping with the drink.
I'm sorry you are struggling Wells but it sounds like you need something New to focus on..... a new hobby, a new class, a new route to work, a new gym, whatever...... something to change up the routine completely & give you something new to shift your focus to so that you can stop looking backward. JMHO, of course! (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
. You've got to find away to make peace with the house. I know for me that would be working on it from sun up to sundown, painting, building, gardening, tiling, ANY project - the more difficult the better. That's how I made peace with my house when it was empty and deafening after my last break up. .
Red!!! Everything you said was spot on! I want it to just sit in my brain so I can take it with me. Lol...
But the part about projects on the house... what an excellent idea. Its not only a healthy distraction, but it is a way to recreate the space... less emotional triggers of memories made there... allowing for new energy and new memories to take over. A way to love the space in an outward way of really changing what's going on inside ;-)
Thank you for your comment!
Last edited by LemonGirl; 08-08-2016 at 07:44 AM. Reason: Spelling errors
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wells.....I am curious about the thinking that you will be alone for the rest of your life.....
You can't make a statement like that without backing it up with facts that support that position....
Can you tell us, specifically, why?
Yeah, I hear that you are depressed...yeah, I hear that you are a glass half empty...yeah, I know that you are grieving....so---I am not talking about that....
Why would you HAVE to be alone the rest of your life (if you don't want to be)....convince me....
dandylion
You can't make a statement like that without backing it up with facts that support that position....
Can you tell us, specifically, why?
Yeah, I hear that you are depressed...yeah, I hear that you are a glass half empty...yeah, I know that you are grieving....so---I am not talking about that....
Why would you HAVE to be alone the rest of your life (if you don't want to be)....convince me....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Ending a relationship is HARD and recovery doesn't happen quickly. You will have many, many more lonely days and nights, I'm afraid. But it's time to start rebuilding YOUR life that does not include her FULLSTOP. I know how close you were to the dog you shared. What about getting your own dog? Go rescue someone from a kill shelter and feel good about yourself. You need a companion and dogs are also wonderful therapy for the grieving process.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Thanks all, I know it is a rough ride and I am weathering the bumps as best as I can. Despite knowing I have done the correct thing given the situation, my heart fights against my head sometimes and I get a little sad that we're not together anymore. It's because I still love her, I guess. But as many of you have wisely said before, I love the idea of a clean and sober and normal her, not the person who she was before she left. I knew I could not live with that person any longer. And I really must have had it, because I have hung on for so long. I guess I just got tired of the daily fight over alcohol. Distance and time apart has dulled those hurtful times, which is dangerous as all of you have said. My resolve remains strong. I can't live with an alcoholic anymore.
I guess the only thing that gave me a moment of hope about her recovering was that she indicated a few times during our breakup last month that she just wanted to stop drinking, and planned to stop. However that was the last it was mentioned and I have no reason to think she followed though (also have no reason to think she didn't, though I have a feeling she'd have snuck that into a conversation somehow if she had started a program or went cold turkey or something). It's okay though. I wouldn't want her to stop for me / to get the relationship back / come home anyway, because that is the wrong reason to stop. I don't get the indication she's anywhere near bottom right now either so I unfortunately have a low expectation of her giving up drinking. Right now is the perfect time for her to drink as much as she wants, whenever she wants, without judgement. I'd think if she actually wanted to quit, she'd have done it before things got so bad that I had to ask her to move out.
This time, that is where I have had to draw the line. Because I have learned, over the past years, allowing drinking to continue, on any level, has just resulted in disaster. She can continue to drink as much as she'd like to, but I also had the right to finally set the boundary that I will no longer accept that behavior as a part of my life. As I mentioned, I feel a bit like a hypocrite at times for having that boundary since I will drink at social occasions, but the outcome and drinking level was just different. I realize that many folks with drinking problems do not comprehend the difference. It's all the same to them, so if you drink, what's the problem with them drinking too? I told her on many occasions I was more than happy to stop completely especially if it kept us together. I wouldn't be the person sipping on a beer while she's going through recovery. It would have been easy for me.
That video is something else, by the way, Maya. When listening it made me feel happy that I at least determined that enough was enough and I couldn't accept it any more in my life. It reminded me of why I had to be here at this point. She wasn't showing me any respect and the more I expressed my feelings, the worse she got. I had to put my foot down, she left me with no other choice than the one I made. The guy on that phone call on the video couldn't set a boundary, Thank you again, great reminder of why I am here.
Weekends are tough because I'm at the house a lot more and working less (have today off as well to clean up the house). I exercised for an hour, cooked lunch, did the dishes while I watched that video, and caught up on some work email. I am certainly productive! Keeping busy helps for sure, it is the quiet sitting still that is always the worst. That's when the ghosts of the past get into your head. I do need to start making some longer term plans for my free time soon though -- Empty weekends are the worst. I still have a lot of projects to do around the house as red suggests, I just need to get up the drive to want to complete them. Some days are tougher than others, because as much as I want to control my thinking, the thoughts of her come back in, I miss her, and it hurts a bit. But as you have all said, that IS the grieving process, and I need to feel that, and understand it, and then, move past it.
I guess the only thing that gave me a moment of hope about her recovering was that she indicated a few times during our breakup last month that she just wanted to stop drinking, and planned to stop. However that was the last it was mentioned and I have no reason to think she followed though (also have no reason to think she didn't, though I have a feeling she'd have snuck that into a conversation somehow if she had started a program or went cold turkey or something). It's okay though. I wouldn't want her to stop for me / to get the relationship back / come home anyway, because that is the wrong reason to stop. I don't get the indication she's anywhere near bottom right now either so I unfortunately have a low expectation of her giving up drinking. Right now is the perfect time for her to drink as much as she wants, whenever she wants, without judgement. I'd think if she actually wanted to quit, she'd have done it before things got so bad that I had to ask her to move out.
This time, that is where I have had to draw the line. Because I have learned, over the past years, allowing drinking to continue, on any level, has just resulted in disaster. She can continue to drink as much as she'd like to, but I also had the right to finally set the boundary that I will no longer accept that behavior as a part of my life. As I mentioned, I feel a bit like a hypocrite at times for having that boundary since I will drink at social occasions, but the outcome and drinking level was just different. I realize that many folks with drinking problems do not comprehend the difference. It's all the same to them, so if you drink, what's the problem with them drinking too? I told her on many occasions I was more than happy to stop completely especially if it kept us together. I wouldn't be the person sipping on a beer while she's going through recovery. It would have been easy for me.
That video is something else, by the way, Maya. When listening it made me feel happy that I at least determined that enough was enough and I couldn't accept it any more in my life. It reminded me of why I had to be here at this point. She wasn't showing me any respect and the more I expressed my feelings, the worse she got. I had to put my foot down, she left me with no other choice than the one I made. The guy on that phone call on the video couldn't set a boundary, Thank you again, great reminder of why I am here.
Weekends are tough because I'm at the house a lot more and working less (have today off as well to clean up the house). I exercised for an hour, cooked lunch, did the dishes while I watched that video, and caught up on some work email. I am certainly productive! Keeping busy helps for sure, it is the quiet sitting still that is always the worst. That's when the ghosts of the past get into your head. I do need to start making some longer term plans for my free time soon though -- Empty weekends are the worst. I still have a lot of projects to do around the house as red suggests, I just need to get up the drive to want to complete them. Some days are tougher than others, because as much as I want to control my thinking, the thoughts of her come back in, I miss her, and it hurts a bit. But as you have all said, that IS the grieving process, and I need to feel that, and understand it, and then, move past it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Have you thought of adopting a new dog? I would NEVER suggest going out and finding a new partner at this stage of the game, but a dog might be just the ticket to give you some company, something to do, and also help you give up the remaining contact "for the dog," because everyone here is right--any contact at all is just keeping you from moving on with your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Oh sorry, I missed responding to your question, dandy. Wasn't ignoring, just forgot.
I have never been great at meeting people. I think once I meet someone I can do okay but the initial meet/dating scene is something I never really got into. I never played the field, just met someone, and immediately got into an LTR with them. So my life has been a series of 3 really long term relationships, this last one by far being the longest, and also failing. So, I'm sort of bummed both my own choices (I knew alcohol was an issue from the first month we started dating, ignored it)...And also bummed by really what I feel is a bit of an apathetic feeling towards it all right now. Sort of like, if I couldn't find a way to make it work with ex, I don't want to put the work in to trying to start over and make it work with someone else.
Also, I feel, I don't know how to describe it -- A bit disinterested in starting a relationship all over right now? Like, at my age, in my early 40's, given that I just had 10 years get me to this sad point, I'm a little gun shy about doing something new. Also, I don't want kids (can't have them actually, had that taken care of a while ago because I knew I didn't want any with ex), and I am not interested in a ready made family either. I have a friend who got married and had his ex and him break up. He's talked to me about how picky he is now since his marriage broke up. I think he has been single 4 or 5 years now. Like him, I guess I just refuse to settle. To date someone new, to open myself up again and start building all over again -- She would have to be remarkable in so many ways. I feel like my standards have suddenly jumped to a ridiculously unattainable high level -- And at my age, choices are limited!
It's not the end of the world, it may just become the new normal for me after a while. I am not going on dating sites (don't want to run into my ex on there anyway) and I'm not looking to get set up or meet a girl right now. It's not that I'm sitting here waiting for ex to come home...It's just that I feel a bit of a diminished capacity for new love right now. Maybe that is just because this is all still very fresh.
I think I'm an okay looking guy with a good job and stable life and a lot to offer, though I'm also not the thrill a minute type guy that a lot of girls like my ex might look for. I like staying home, don't like going out to do much. Definitely am over the bar scene (and over the "singles" scene really, unfortunately) and sort of just looking to live a relatively normal, boring life. I realize most girls out there want the family, or have the family, or excitement, and am realistic that unless I am willing to lower standards, there may not ever be another match for me. I'll survive, but I think also facing the potential of a future alone is another reason I still miss exagf at times.
I've been through a couple breakups (not many) but I realize the feeling eventually subsides and you find a way to move on. This time just feels different for some reason. It's like I really wanted this one to work and put in so much time, and keep telling myself, we are going to have a breakthrough, and she's going to get a handle on this drinking, and we're going to be this super couple -- Giving up on that dream that I held onto and fought for, for so long, has taken a lot out of me as far as the faith in that I'm ready to start it all over again with someone else.
I have never been great at meeting people. I think once I meet someone I can do okay but the initial meet/dating scene is something I never really got into. I never played the field, just met someone, and immediately got into an LTR with them. So my life has been a series of 3 really long term relationships, this last one by far being the longest, and also failing. So, I'm sort of bummed both my own choices (I knew alcohol was an issue from the first month we started dating, ignored it)...And also bummed by really what I feel is a bit of an apathetic feeling towards it all right now. Sort of like, if I couldn't find a way to make it work with ex, I don't want to put the work in to trying to start over and make it work with someone else.
Also, I feel, I don't know how to describe it -- A bit disinterested in starting a relationship all over right now? Like, at my age, in my early 40's, given that I just had 10 years get me to this sad point, I'm a little gun shy about doing something new. Also, I don't want kids (can't have them actually, had that taken care of a while ago because I knew I didn't want any with ex), and I am not interested in a ready made family either. I have a friend who got married and had his ex and him break up. He's talked to me about how picky he is now since his marriage broke up. I think he has been single 4 or 5 years now. Like him, I guess I just refuse to settle. To date someone new, to open myself up again and start building all over again -- She would have to be remarkable in so many ways. I feel like my standards have suddenly jumped to a ridiculously unattainable high level -- And at my age, choices are limited!
It's not the end of the world, it may just become the new normal for me after a while. I am not going on dating sites (don't want to run into my ex on there anyway) and I'm not looking to get set up or meet a girl right now. It's not that I'm sitting here waiting for ex to come home...It's just that I feel a bit of a diminished capacity for new love right now. Maybe that is just because this is all still very fresh.
I think I'm an okay looking guy with a good job and stable life and a lot to offer, though I'm also not the thrill a minute type guy that a lot of girls like my ex might look for. I like staying home, don't like going out to do much. Definitely am over the bar scene (and over the "singles" scene really, unfortunately) and sort of just looking to live a relatively normal, boring life. I realize most girls out there want the family, or have the family, or excitement, and am realistic that unless I am willing to lower standards, there may not ever be another match for me. I'll survive, but I think also facing the potential of a future alone is another reason I still miss exagf at times.
I've been through a couple breakups (not many) but I realize the feeling eventually subsides and you find a way to move on. This time just feels different for some reason. It's like I really wanted this one to work and put in so much time, and keep telling myself, we are going to have a breakthrough, and she's going to get a handle on this drinking, and we're going to be this super couple -- Giving up on that dream that I held onto and fought for, for so long, has taken a lot out of me as far as the faith in that I'm ready to start it all over again with someone else.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wells....th anks for the very thorough response.....
I hear what you are saying ....at this time in your healing/grieving process.
I was j ust fearful that you might have sunk into a chronic hole of l ow self esteem, or something...lol....
I agree that bars and dating sites and blind dates are something to be frightened of. For most of our history, people met other people during the course of living their life.
I would NEVER suggest that someone lower their standards! No way.
I will say that "normal" is not necessarily boring. I think that much of the population want..and, lead a "normal" life......
I think that current media makes, maybe, too much fuss over excitement and exotic or high risk activities. It gives the impression that one needs to be an adrenalin junkie to be "interesting".
I have a strong feeling, and I am willing to bet, that, sooner or later, you will enter into another relationship.....
If/when you do...you owe me 10 dollars.....
dandylion
I hear what you are saying ....at this time in your healing/grieving process.
I was j ust fearful that you might have sunk into a chronic hole of l ow self esteem, or something...lol....
I agree that bars and dating sites and blind dates are something to be frightened of. For most of our history, people met other people during the course of living their life.
I would NEVER suggest that someone lower their standards! No way.
I will say that "normal" is not necessarily boring. I think that much of the population want..and, lead a "normal" life......
I think that current media makes, maybe, too much fuss over excitement and exotic or high risk activities. It gives the impression that one needs to be an adrenalin junkie to be "interesting".
I have a strong feeling, and I am willing to bet, that, sooner or later, you will enter into another relationship.....
If/when you do...you owe me 10 dollars.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
IMO limited contact is slow torture. You're not with them all the time so you don't see them at their worst. You're already missing them and addicted to the relationship. I found myself getting all emotional and "what if" over my ex taking out the trash. Like come on... crumbs much?
You might want to check out the video MAYA1 shared. It's such a perfect explanation and glimpse into the manipulations of the A, plus the codependent (us) gets a hard lesson too... it's a bit lengthy so it'll take up a nice chunk of time and you'll walk away with more wisdom.
But really, NO contact, otherwise you're holding yourself back!
You might want to check out the video MAYA1 shared. It's such a perfect explanation and glimpse into the manipulations of the A, plus the codependent (us) gets a hard lesson too... it's a bit lengthy so it'll take up a nice chunk of time and you'll walk away with more wisdom.
But really, NO contact, otherwise you're holding yourself back!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by Wells
Oh sorry, I missed responding to your question, dandy. Wasn't ignoring, just forgot.
I have never been great at meeting people. I think once I meet someone I can do okay but the initial meet/dating scene is something I never really got into. I never played the field, just met someone, and immediately got into an LTR with them. So my life has been a series of 3 really long term relationships, this last one by far being the longest, and also failing. So, I'm sort of bummed both my own choices (I knew alcohol was an issue from the first month we started dating, ignored it)...And also bummed by really what I feel is a bit of an apathetic feeling towards it all right now. Sort of like, if I couldn't find a way to make it work with ex, I don't want to put the work in to trying to start over and make it work with someone else.
Also, I feel, I don't know how to describe it -- A bit disinterested in starting a relationship all over right now? Like, at my age, in my early 40's, given that I just had 10 years get me to this sad point, I'm a little gun shy about doing something new. Also, I don't want kids (can't have them actually, had that taken care of a while ago because I knew I didn't want any with ex), and I am not interested in a ready made family either. I have a friend who got married and had his ex and him break up. He's talked to me about how picky he is now since his marriage broke up. I think he has been single 4 or 5 years now. Like him, I guess I just refuse to settle. To date someone new, to open myself up again and start building all over again -- She would have to be remarkable in so many ways. I feel like my standards have suddenly jumped to a ridiculously unattainable high level -- And at my age, choices are limited!
It's not the end of the world, it may just become the new normal for me after a while. I am not going on dating sites (don't want to run into my ex on there anyway) and I'm not looking to get set up or meet a girl right now. It's not that I'm sitting here waiting for ex to come home...It's just that I feel a bit of a diminished capacity for new love right now. Maybe that is just because this is all still very fresh.
I think I'm an okay looking guy with a good job and stable life and a lot to offer, though I'm also not the thrill a minute type guy that a lot of girls like my ex might look for. I like staying home, don't like going out to do much. Definitely am over the bar scene (and over the "singles" scene really, unfortunately) and sort of just looking to live a relatively normal, boring life. I realize most girls out there want the family, or have the family, or excitement, and am realistic that unless I am willing to lower standards, there may not ever be another match for me. I'll survive, but I think also facing the potential of a future alone is another reason I still miss exagf at times.
I've been through a couple breakups (not many) but I realize the feeling eventually subsides and you find a way to move on. This time just feels different for some reason. It's like I really wanted this one to work and put in so much time, and keep telling myself, we are going to have a breakthrough, and she's going to get a handle on this drinking, and we're going to be this super couple -- Giving up on that dream that I held onto and fought for, for so long, has taken a lot out of me as far as the faith in that I'm ready to start it all over again with someone else.
I have never been great at meeting people. I think once I meet someone I can do okay but the initial meet/dating scene is something I never really got into. I never played the field, just met someone, and immediately got into an LTR with them. So my life has been a series of 3 really long term relationships, this last one by far being the longest, and also failing. So, I'm sort of bummed both my own choices (I knew alcohol was an issue from the first month we started dating, ignored it)...And also bummed by really what I feel is a bit of an apathetic feeling towards it all right now. Sort of like, if I couldn't find a way to make it work with ex, I don't want to put the work in to trying to start over and make it work with someone else.
Also, I feel, I don't know how to describe it -- A bit disinterested in starting a relationship all over right now? Like, at my age, in my early 40's, given that I just had 10 years get me to this sad point, I'm a little gun shy about doing something new. Also, I don't want kids (can't have them actually, had that taken care of a while ago because I knew I didn't want any with ex), and I am not interested in a ready made family either. I have a friend who got married and had his ex and him break up. He's talked to me about how picky he is now since his marriage broke up. I think he has been single 4 or 5 years now. Like him, I guess I just refuse to settle. To date someone new, to open myself up again and start building all over again -- She would have to be remarkable in so many ways. I feel like my standards have suddenly jumped to a ridiculously unattainable high level -- And at my age, choices are limited!
It's not the end of the world, it may just become the new normal for me after a while. I am not going on dating sites (don't want to run into my ex on there anyway) and I'm not looking to get set up or meet a girl right now. It's not that I'm sitting here waiting for ex to come home...It's just that I feel a bit of a diminished capacity for new love right now. Maybe that is just because this is all still very fresh.
I think I'm an okay looking guy with a good job and stable life and a lot to offer, though I'm also not the thrill a minute type guy that a lot of girls like my ex might look for. I like staying home, don't like going out to do much. Definitely am over the bar scene (and over the "singles" scene really, unfortunately) and sort of just looking to live a relatively normal, boring life. I realize most girls out there want the family, or have the family, or excitement, and am realistic that unless I am willing to lower standards, there may not ever be another match for me. I'll survive, but I think also facing the potential of a future alone is another reason I still miss exagf at times.
I've been through a couple breakups (not many) but I realize the feeling eventually subsides and you find a way to move on. This time just feels different for some reason. It's like I really wanted this one to work and put in so much time, and keep telling myself, we are going to have a breakthrough, and she's going to get a handle on this drinking, and we're going to be this super couple -- Giving up on that dream that I held onto and fought for, for so long, has taken a lot out of me as far as the faith in that I'm ready to start it all over again with someone else.
Personally, I think you have a very myopic view of what's out there. It may be true that finding someone who has no children/wants no children, limits the playing field about....there are women who feel the same. I am one of them, never wanted to kids. I did date men who had children, I did not find it to be an issue (the kids were older too). I did run into issues in my earlier dating career dating men who wanted to have kids. The great thing about getting older, and dating women who are a little older, is that you don't run into the desire for biological children as much. (Now if you choose to go back into the 20's early 30's dating pool you probably will)
I'm also not the thrill a minute type guy that a lot of girls like my ex might look for. Since you are self described 'not that guy" what did your Ex see in you? Seriously think you have some notions about what women want that aren't correct. Stable, good job, good guy, faithful, loyal with common interests and chemistry is what "normal" women want. I wonder if it isn't you that is attracted to the "thrill a minute girl".....
Any who, lots of future tripping here. I know plenty of people that are single in their 40's, 50's 60's that meet plenty of people.
P.S. 40's is young.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
