BeachPlease

AH says he doesn't know why I'm still with him. He only says this during his self pity speeches AFTER I used to bring up how I can't handle all of these bills by myself.

Is that a self pitying statement to drum up more sympathy from me?

I haven't asked him for money in months. That statement just jumped into my head and I was trying to understand why he'd always say that. I only ask for his help around the house when I really need it. I don't ask him to take me out anymore. He has slowly lowered my standards kind of like how water erodes rock. I KNOW I deserve better than this.

I realized I'd be better off without him when I noticed how light I feel when he's not around. There have been days lately when I drive around for an extra half hour, because I don't want to go home.
Leaving is the hard part.....now if I could juuuuust figure that one out.

We just had a quick debate over whether the women cyclers were riding up or downhill (I DVRd the earlier Olympic segment). The camera angles were odd, but it was clearly uphill. Foolishness! He has a drunk voice and I didn't hear it until we were already into the conversation. My bad....

AnvilheadII

you might be giving him a bit too much credit for being some evil mastermind intentionally messing with you.

he's an alcoholic, and "woe is me" is their battle cry. also since you have stayed and stayed, done more and more, while he does less and less, he's pretty certain you aren't going anywhere. so he can drink and argue about gravity and that can sum up his contribution.

hang on to those thoughts of what things are like when he IS not there. that CAN be your life.....it will just take some doing to GET there. leaving isn't as easy as grabbing a toothbrush and fresh undies.......

lizatola

Leaving was a process for me. My take on it was this (and many others here have heard me say this over and over): When the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving, only then was I ready to take that leap of faith. Because it truly has been faith that has kept me going.

As Anvil said, the pity party is the alcoholic's battle cry. I still have to deal with it since we share a child, but thank goodness I don't have to live with it anymore. Turn it over to your HP and just breathe!

Txjeepguy

If you're avoiding going home... It's time

Sunshine1234

Leaving was definitely a process but a day at a time and before you know it you are where you never thought possible. Everyone told me you will be OK...and I thought you know what I will be! I will get through this and my mind is MUCH clearer now that I'm not living under the same roof as him. The woe is me has been happening pretty much every day for me for the last 4 months since I left and I too share children with my ex. But, you learn to sort of just tune it out.

Expanding

I used to sit in the car for an hour, sometimes more, when I got home from work. This started happening about six months before the final kabloom. I'd probably be googling articles on how to "break up with a nice guy" or be talking to my friend about how I wanted kids but not with him, all the while never actually ending it.

It takes time and you'll never feel 100% ready but at some point you will feel ready enough

qtpi

Before I left AH constantly made me feel guilty about as much as possible. I too started to avoid going home. If I knew he would be drunk when I got home, I would go anywhere and come home after midnight to avoid him. Then in the morning- we slept in different rooms- I would wait until he left to rise. I am thinking now- it would have been irrational NOT to leave him. Leaving was the healthy rational thing to do. Yes, it was also very hard. The guilt went way down as soon as I left. The hardest part was making the decision.

FeelingGreat

The 'how do you put up with me?' thing is pure manipulation. Meant to make you think if you leave you'll be hurting a small helpless animal.

Why isn't he paying half the bills and doing half the work?

dandylion

BeachPlease.....if you "juuuust want to figure it out"......I suggest this.....
write down your top three fears about actually leaving....in the order of severity, if you can.....but, at least, identify three of your specific fears....
What are they?
Then, you can begin to chip away at the fears...with tiny baby steps....one tiny step at a time.....
How does a jug fill with water?.....with one drip at a time......

this process keep you from being overwhelmed with a great wall of generalized fear.....

dandylion

dandylion

BeachPlease....by the way....one reason that his statements scrambles your brain is that he is throwing the obvious back on to you......in a subtle way he is saying "you are getting SOMETHING out of staying with me...so, what is it?
Might he have a point (even if it does sting)....?

dandylion

Expanding

^^* agree

We stay because somehow, a need is being met. For me, part of it was feeling like I was saving someone (of course that wasn't actually happening). Sometimes our needs are the opposite of what we think they are... I also didn't know what to do with myself without someone telling me what to do, and with my ex around it gave me something to do and focus on other than myself because boy do I have a lot of work to do!

qtpi

I agree the "put up with me " statement is manipulation. It can make you feel guilty and so sorry for him! The month before I left, when I brought up the alcoholism yet again but made seriously threatening sounds that I had reached the end of my rope on it, he said, " I think you are just bringing this up now so you don't feel bad about leaving me." Ouch! Talk about feeling guilty. It worked. The guilt was almost crippling. But not so crippling... because I left. I know he thought I would never leave. He thought he had me.

hopeful4

This. Me too. I usto dread going home so badly. I knew things had gotten really bad at that point. Eventually, the pain of staying in a dead marriage was more than I could take.

Hugs to you.

firebolt

Yep, you sound like me 6 - 8 months before D day. *Shudder* - so much empathy for you.

I dreaded going home - I'd take the long way, I'd go fish, I'd sit in the driveway and read, I'd go see friends.....anything to avoid walking in to find Jekyll or Hyde. Home did not feel like home to me, it was just some prison that i voluntarily went to hoping it would change one day without having to do anything to change it. When I would finally go inside, i'd zone into playing on my phone, or hide out in the bedroom. What a life.

You deserve better. (((HUGS)))

cairn

Sounds like it. Evasion, deflection...apparently he has no genuine interest in showing up and helping out? Nothing wrong with your receptors!

actually, come to think of it, he might even be bragging...

good luck!

BeachPlease

Thank you Dandylion. I am going to put that on paper to clear it up in my head.

Your other comment did touch me and I must say that he used to be a good companion. Now it's mostly drunk talk: him ranting about politics or talking about something he doesn't know but pretends to know, or telling old stories. So stuck in the past that I can't stand it.

BeachPlease

FeelingGreat, he has had so many excuses over the years about his lack of financial contributions that I can't even start to list them. Bottom line, he is lazy and uses the "I want to be self employed" excuse. Half heartedly makes attempts at self employment and constantly tries to take the easy way out of everything. He's very resourceful and hardworking when he has no other choice so I'm not even worried about his well being anymore if I leave. I'm getting there, little by little. Coming out of the FOG

BeachPlease

You know I thought that too, because I have become so paranoid because I'm forever pretending things are alright and my family is nosy.
Yeah I thought OK is he implying what a dope I am for staying?? Lordy...well it doesn't matter much now, just a nagging thought I'd been having.

mylifeismine

Many alcoholics take on characteristics of a personality disordered
individual. This "toolbox" is pretty good reading, your comment about the fog reminded me of it.

http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro/

Going to al anon meetings and learning all I can about alcoholism
and codependency has helped me tremendously, as has this forum
and the wisdom that is shared.

Prayers to you on your journey, we all have this one life.......

mylifeismine

The self pity drama has word that defines it: maudlin.

Maudlin | Define Maudlin at Dictionary.com