Leezer

Hey all,
I'm a very positive person and am very strong in my sobriety. On Monday it will be 23 weeks sober for me, which is the longest I have gone since 2010. I also have a plan for the first time in my life, and have accepted that I am an alcoholic, so unlike 2010 I am not a "dry drunk" and I do not fear relapse. I always wanted to believe that "one day" I could drink normally, but I have accepted that I cannot ever do that, so I am at peace with finally being sober.

One thing I am struggling with a little, though, is all of the wasted time I spent drinking. I have a very successful career, but I do have encroaching thoughts like, "What if you had done X for a career, what if you had done Y in your life?" I know you cannot cry over spilt milk, I get that. I also get the healthy need for living in the present and building a wonderful future, which I am doing. It still hurts though to lament all of the wasted (figuratively and literally) years. I wish I had stopped years ago.

Just wondering if others have struggled with this. It doesn't happen to me often, but I dream about it a lot. In my dreams I am much younger and making all the right choices.

I am still in my 40s and have a lot of life ahead of me....I know that and appreciate that. And I know that I have NO control over days gone by, but the thoughts/dreams still wave at me from time to time.

Just wondering if others have had similar thoughts/regrets/etc?

Lightning Bug

I feel like I missed my kid's early childhood during my active addiction. Can't get that back but I am present for them 100% now and going forward.

I think the woulda/coulda/shouldas are feelings that happen to a lot of people, not just addicts. Looking back and regretting a life choice or feeling shame about something that happened.

We just have to let it go. Easier said than done though.

Leezer

Perfectly said earthsteps. Easier said than done.

I am moving forward like you, but it just feels odd. "Good odd", but amazing how much time I wasted. But the present sure is promising...which will lead to a better future. Thanks for your post!

Lightning Bug

I feel so much promise Leezer. I haven't felt that any other time I tried sobriety.

Jeni26

Sometimes I can get a little lost in the 'if onlys'...not about my career but in regards to my kids really.

I managed somehow to do well in my job, working long days and investing a lot emotionally in it, but I would work 12 hour days then spend my weekends drunk or hungover. I was rarely emotionally present for my kids. I used to think that was because of the depression that has followed me around, but now I think it was just good old fashioned alcoholism.

I sometimes wish so much that I could have their young years again, but of course wishing for that won't do any good. In fact if I'm not careful I can get lost in melancholy.

They are great young adults...somehow...I don't know how that happened...but I make sure I'm around for them now. It's never too late. We've got the rest of our lives ahead of us.

Well done on your sober time. Proud of you Lee ❤️

Leezer

Thanks Jeni. Great post. <3

I feel the same way too, earthsteps....like maybe I'll make up for it and THEN SOME....and I guess I would not be who I am today.

Delilah1

I definitely have some of the same feelings about not being fully present for my kids. I have always worked full time, and have always spent a lot of time with my kids when I was off, but I definitely was guilty of rushing through homework so I could pour myself some wine, or drinking portions of our vacations together away.

I definitely regret this, but know min I can't change it I am trying to remain focused on the present, definitely not easy.

Leezer

Thanks Delilah.

I know I'm not alone. It's just sometimes hard to put the past in the past. It does not nag at me often, but when it does it makes me disappointed. But my present is so amazing that I focus on that 99% of the time. It's that annoying 1%, but maybe that is a protective mechanism so I will never become complacent in my recovery.

IWalkTheLine

Its the main reason I cant quit, ive made such a mess of things with career, relationships, family, legal issues

I could have such a better life but now I'll probably always have to struggle. All for the sake of a buzz. The thought's crush me whenever im sober.

LadyBlue0527

I'm both ecstatic and sad at the same time that I'm finding out who I really am at the age of 53. A person that I actually like.

Then I really think about it.

Being ecstatic comes from my higher power. It guides me to revel in the goodness.

Being sad comes from my AV and it's merely a mechanism to take focus off the good work I've done. It wants to feed me with reasons to drink.

Although I can lament once in a while for a brief moment I will not give the AV power.

PurpleKnight

It's a tough one, but what can we do?

We either keep drinking and waste another few decades and have even deeper regrets or we call it a day with alcohol, reclaim our lives and start getting on with living life on our terms in the way we choose to without alcohol holding us back.

I sometimes think about looking back on my life at the end, would I prefer being aged 80 knowing I wasted 60 years on alcohol, having never given Sobreity a real go, or instead I wasted 20 years, turned things around and lived the last 40 years on my terms.

The latter I think would still make me proud and go someway to easing those regrets!!

Dee74

I say this a lot but it's true: I've done more in the last 9 years than I did in the 20 before that.

From that perspective 'wasted years' kinda recede into the background.

All those years weren't entirely wasted anyway - there was goodness in them and i made sure to carry that goodness with me when i left the rest of it behind.

Seems like a good time to re-introduce the concept of kintsukuroi:


We all have our cracks and breaks.. we can look at them as imperfections or regrets...wasted time...or we can fill them with gold and make the whole that much richer

Leezer

That's interesting, Dee, and a great way to view it.

I DO know, for example, that this summer sober has felt like it has lasted 3 times longer than it would have drunk, so I can totally get where you come from. I am already seeing this in my life for sure.