Expanding

Emotionally it may as well still be March for me right now. Packing up and moving everything has been so hard. It's really driving the point home that exA just doesn't give a sh*t about me or what we had. That he will never accept responsibility for his actions, that he 100% believes he didn't do anything wrong. He continues to attribute the end of our relationship to something I lied about (I realize now that it was an attempt at manipulation, to get him to do what he said he was going to do), and has conveniently forgotten about everything that lead up to that lie.

I really regret telling that lie and attempting to manipulate. I should have just walked away. At the same time I wonder if subconsciously I knew that it would be the final push. I was never ever going to leave him, he had to leave me in order for me to see what I needed to see. I needed that shock to wake me up. I tried to leave so many times and I always always went back. Him not giving me a choice in the matter in an enormous gift, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I've been recently told that me still having these feelings is unhealthy and it really, really bothered me. It hasn't been five months, and it seems ridiculous that someone would dare to say that to someone. If I was spiraling in drugs or not showering or eating I could see what they were saying... but I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I still do, I'm just frustrated that others seem to think I should be "fine" now. It really rubs me the wrong way.

I'm seeing who my real friends are, not the ones who BBQ and drink so they can't help me move. Not the ones who tell me to just get back out there. Not the ones who always bring the conversation back to them.

So many things are changing, so many things.

LexieCat

You aren't regressing at all; you're simply seeing things more clearly with newfound vision. You're processing, which is part of the process, lol.

If I can make a suggestion, try toning down the heavy-duty sharing with your friends who haven't walked in your shoes. Not every friend needs to be the confidante for everything. Save the insights and mulling and processing for the folks here, or at Al-Anon. Keep your conversation with your friends along the lines of, "Well, I'm doing pretty well, some days better than others, but overall things are getting better. How 'bout this ELECTION craziness, huh?"

It isn't that your friends (even the ones who tell you to "get back out there"), or who bring the conversation back to themselves, don't care--they simply don't understand--thankfully for them, they've never had to. And it can get tiring for friends to be the support system all the time. Just consider--are there times when you monopolize the conversation about what's going on with you? Not accusing, it's just something we sometimes don't realize we're doing.

Expanding

I am becoming frustrated by those who don't understand - seems to be a running theme in my life.

Just realized I'm yearning for closeness with people and continuing to try and find it where it cannot be found. Another pattern established in childhood I'm sure.

I just feel so... defective. Like there is something really wrong with me. My old programming says, "there's something wrong with you otherwise he would've stayed. He would've done anything to keep you. You were such a b*tch that he couldn't stand you anymore. It's all your fault."

I'm tired of being tortured by these thoughts and am having a hard time changing them. Whatever compassion I had for myself seems to have flown out the window

dandylion

Expanding....(I just have to ask)...did you receive a lot of criticism in your growing up years?.....

It has been my experience that one year is the mark where it starts feeling like past history of pain...rather than current pain....

dandylion

Expanding

I was the "golden child" and then rebelled so my dad was not happy with me. It was all good and praise when I was knocking out straight As and was pretty and well mannered, but when I started to feel that something was really wrong and didn't want to be a puppet anymore things went really south.

I started drinking, smoking, having sex, sneaking out of the house. The root cause of my rebellion was never addressed or spoken about (my A mother and the dysfunction of our family). I became the scapegoat and heard some pretty mean things from my father.

"What is wrong with you"
"You won't amount to anything"
"You don't have a clue" (then when I asked him to explain he wouldn't)
"Who do you think you are"
"You're going to be nothing but a bum like your mother"
"You used to be so smart"

Throw in some physical abuse and you get the picture.

I believe that what I'm feeling isn't 100% about the exA but it's the easiest thing to point at right now. I feel so wronged by him right now. He knew what I dealt with growing up and I didn't get much better from him. It was the same type of emotional stonewalling and "what is wrong with you" type behavior, just with a different face

dandylion

wow...Expanding....that explains a lot, doesn't it.....?

Yeah, while all us humans feel pain at rejection from someone that we have bonded to....it does look like your your ex is a compounding extension of your childhood pain......

dandylion

***now, this is just an observation of mine....but, I think that what some people lable as rebellion (because it looks like that)....is really just the seeking of comfort and acceptance of peers who we feel won't reject us.....smoking, drinking, sex, sneaking out to be with others...is mostly relationship oriented...seeking others....
Isn't it really just human to want to be in the company of others who accept us unconditionally..?

(anything I say...you can just kick to the curb if it doesn't apply)

Expanding

I am sure seeking acceptance/relationships had a lot to do with it. I felt ignored and invalidated in my family home. We weren't allowed to talk about the elephant in the room so we never, ever spoke about my mom and how what was happening WAS upsetting and NOT okay. I felt silenced, MUCH like I feel now. ExA wanted me to walk away quietly and never confront him on what he did... when I did confront him he called me a BULLY. When I brought up the drinking, both my father and the ex denied it being a problem. They both shut me out emotionally. Neither let me express how I felt. My father was more overt while the ex covert and that is why I never saw it coming.

My ex was not a "nice guy" he was a passive aggressive one. My father was just aggressive. In the end I felt the same way about both. I never want to see either of them again and feel both of them owe me a huge apology, something I'll probably never receive from either.

dandylion

with your ex....I think you were in a no win situation from the get go (though your, obviously, didn't know it at the time)......

Expanding...I know that you are in therapy.....have you ever looked into Adult Children of Alcoholics..(ACOA).....I'm thinking you might find some kindred spirits, there....
One of our forum moderators...Desert Eyes, has had a lot of experience with them, I believe....If you have any interest..I'll bet that he would be willing to give you some input....
(he very rarely bites).....

dandylion

LexieCat

You know, E, a lot of what is eating at you would be solved by acceptance. You're "frustrated" with your friends who don't get it; you're resentful of your ex and your parents. Accepting doesn't mean that what any of them are doing/did is OK, but it is what it is. The pain comes from mentally resisting it and replaying the hurts.

I'm not suggesting this is something that can or should happen immediately, but it's something to work toward.

I'll quote my favorite page from the Big Book--it's the favorite of many people in AA, Al-Anon, and even outside those programs:
--Alcoholics Anonymous (Fourth Edition) at 417.

DesertEyes

That sounds a lot like my story. Over in the Adult Children of Alcoholics meets we call those "roles". Some peeps follow just one role their whole life, others change roles over the years. They are really just groups of related "survival skills" used to protect a child's vulnerable mind from the insanity of addiction.

Funny how all these dysfunctional families operate the same. In ACoA we say that the _only_ consistent rules in a dysfunctional family are:

Don't talk.
Don't feel.
Don't trust.

What happens to me is exactly that. I get the normal, healthy feelings in life, but then they "trigger" old reflexes from my childhood that have not completely gone away. Mix the two together and it's like throwing gasoline on a fire.

We have a forum "next door" for us ACoA's that you might want to explore. It's really quiet, peeps show up once a week just to check in so there is very little discussion. The stickies are great, and just browsing the old threads will give you lots of info.

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Mike

DesertEyes

* lol *

I'm biting, I'm biting !!

* goes looking for a "fish biting a hook" smiley *

Mike

dandylion

LOl....thanks, Mike!



dandylion

LifeRecovery

Expanding-

One of the things that helped me the most in the first few years of recovery from the relationship that got me here was this.

Grief is not a linear recovery, it is up and down, round and round and often cycles.

It was so normalizing for me to hear when I was going through depression or anger AGAIN that I was not taking a step backwards, but was settling into a deeper level of healing.

Another visual that helped me was the idea that to heal I had to open up the wound, take out the diseased/infection/sick tissue before I could sew it up again. If I just tried to shut the lid on the wound it would fester, stew and cause more problems in the long run.

Expanding I would offer that I read your share as being a step forward.....being willing to step into some of the hard stuff that this relationship's ending has been willing to open up for you so you can truly heal.

Eauchiche

Excellent thread!!!
The acceptance part of all this is very helpful.
Last weekend, I told one of my siblings that I consider myself the "family rebel. "

Now we are no contact. Probably best to move on to more acceptance, which includes a lot of detachment!!!

Expanding

Thank you all

I think this is occurring because I was starting to recover in the house. Then I had to start packing and going through everything and it was like ripping the scab off and pouring salt in the wound.

I'm reading through my past posts and it made me remember how good I felt when this all first happened. This is what makes me think that what I'm upset about isn't really about exA at all. As a Codie I recognize that I used that relationship as a distraction from my OWN problems. I'm now forced to deal and work through them. Man, this is tough, really tough.

I can't seem to let go of guilt that I am leaving him behind. I know I can be happy, I've felt it! But I self sabotage because deep down I don't believe I deserve it. It's hard for me to be happy when I know he drinks to deal with life. Why do I get to be happy? It's sick thinking, I know. Thank goodness for therapy

rae145

I'm grateful that this thread was started. My mother, although not an alcoholic, didn't allow us to express or feel our feelings and was quite a nasty lady. I've started therapy and am seeing the correlation between her and my exa. Not one of my siblings (myself too) realized our potential and not even one of the five of us married a man who doesn't call us names or respects our feelings. I know i need to get past the anger, loathing and resentment but then again I think this one woman destroyed 5 lives and probably my father's too. He died when I was three, the oldest sister was seven and the youngest 6 mos. We've all said at one time or another it will probably be ipossible to cry at her funeral and then we laugh like hell.

LexieCat

Well, if it's any help to you, E, there's still hope for your ex. Hell, I was just as dedicated to drinking to cope with life as he was. I hit my point of pain, eventually had my moment of clarity, and life is good, today. Life works out as it does. You don't know where his path will lead (nor yours, for that matter). And for all you know, someday he might be telling his story at a meeting and speak of you fondly. For stepping away and not allowing him to drag you down with him, for allowing him to find his own way without further damage. You might never hear about it, but I've witnessed it in meetings.

CodeJob

Hello Expanding,

I found therapy and working the steps an excellent framework for reassessing my life. It was a slog at times. There were days I saw a prism of clarity and then I'd have another meeting or session and my mind would be twisting again. Be patient with yourself. Sometimes things do ease with time.

It sort of sounds like you were trying to force this relationship to work, though I have not read many of your posts. I've done that. It did not work. It was bitter and painful at the end.

I can only implore you to give yourself the gift of time to work on yourself and grieve. I definitely am ACOA, and married an A/ACOA. Learning about all of this stuff and looking back and then moving ahead has given me a much calmer lifestyle.

Peace to you.

Expanding

CodeJob, I couldn't and wouldn't give up. I stayed way longer than I should have because I wanted it to work so badly. It was not good for me, it was not good for him. I was on him like white on rice trying to "get him" to stop drinking. A task I learned was futile after we broke up. It's been very bitter and painful. And confusing. What sent me into this most recent tailspin was him telling me that he wished things worked out. Ugh!

This new stage in my life will give me the proper space to fully heal. These ups and downs are just no fun. I find I'm liking living in 4, 5 & 6. The adrenaline pumping and heart pounding is too much for me now. I never realized how often I lived in 1, 2 &3 or 8, 9&10.

dandylion

? I don't understand those numbers. I think I missed something...lol