On the floor in so much pain
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: London
Posts: 512
On the floor in so much pain
Hi there. I first joined SR back in March and my recovery has been pretty bumpy since, with many relapses.
In April my relationship of 6 years ended after a big relapse when I discovered he had cheated on me, after a massive argument he was arrested after having punched me in the face and throttling me. He had done this many times, it was his way of shutting me up as when drunk I would become verbally abusive and turn into something I am not remotely like when sober.
There ensued a court hearing where he was found not guilty, he blatantly lied on the witness stand saying he split my lip by accident but the court did issue a 2yr restraining order so NO CONTACT.
He has moved out of the area and is currently living with his sister. Last week I discovered that 2 weeks after leaving me he met a Filipina woman who lives in Canada and he is going to marry her next month (although they haven't met in the flesh yet).
I am totally destroyed by this, I feel that the last 6 yrs of my life have been a lie and I am plummeting into self loathing and depression, losing all hope. I have a movie in mind of how his life is going to be wonderful and happy and I know I'm in that dangerous place of self pity... Always leads to relapse. Don't want to go there don't want to let myself, my family, my friends, sponsor and AA down.
Am in such despair and disbelief!!! Need help. Thank you Elle
In April my relationship of 6 years ended after a big relapse when I discovered he had cheated on me, after a massive argument he was arrested after having punched me in the face and throttling me. He had done this many times, it was his way of shutting me up as when drunk I would become verbally abusive and turn into something I am not remotely like when sober.
There ensued a court hearing where he was found not guilty, he blatantly lied on the witness stand saying he split my lip by accident but the court did issue a 2yr restraining order so NO CONTACT.
He has moved out of the area and is currently living with his sister. Last week I discovered that 2 weeks after leaving me he met a Filipina woman who lives in Canada and he is going to marry her next month (although they haven't met in the flesh yet).
I am totally destroyed by this, I feel that the last 6 yrs of my life have been a lie and I am plummeting into self loathing and depression, losing all hope. I have a movie in mind of how his life is going to be wonderful and happy and I know I'm in that dangerous place of self pity... Always leads to relapse. Don't want to go there don't want to let myself, my family, my friends, sponsor and AA down.
Am in such despair and disbelief!!! Need help. Thank you Elle
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hi Elle
I'm sorry for your pain but it seems to me like maybe you've actually gotten the best end of this deal?
Hear me out...
someone who cheats on you, punches you, throttles you, lies about you (under oath) and who is now moving on marrying someone he's not yet met?
Sounds like you deserve better Elle....way better
This is not a time for drinking - it's a time for picking yourself up, and moving on - making a fresh start
you're not alone - and that pain will recede way quicker if you stay sober trust me...wounds heal faster when you're not picking at them....and that's all we do when we drink...
you can do this
D
I'm sorry for your pain but it seems to me like maybe you've actually gotten the best end of this deal?
Hear me out...
someone who cheats on you, punches you, throttles you, lies about you (under oath) and who is now moving on marrying someone he's not yet met?
Sounds like you deserve better Elle....way better
This is not a time for drinking - it's a time for picking yourself up, and moving on - making a fresh start
you're not alone - and that pain will recede way quicker if you stay sober trust me...wounds heal faster when you're not picking at them....and that's all we do when we drink...
you can do this
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Have to agree with Dee. Sounds like you dodged a bullet there.
I'd talk this through with your sponsor and ask them to help you inventory it in such a way that you can recognise your own part(s) in what happened, learn from it, and be ready to move forward in your recovery armed with self-knowledge and without the boulders of resentment and self-pity to weigh you down.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery.
I'd talk this through with your sponsor and ask them to help you inventory it in such a way that you can recognise your own part(s) in what happened, learn from it, and be ready to move forward in your recovery armed with self-knowledge and without the boulders of resentment and self-pity to weigh you down.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Watford
Posts: 83
Elle, I think you should be counting your blessings that you no longer have this person in your life. Nobody should ever have to live with a physically abusive partner. No matter how much provocation they are given.
And seriously? Who arranges to marry somebody they have never met? *boggles*
And seriously? Who arranges to marry somebody they have never met? *boggles*
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Elle126 
I have a movie in mind of how his life is going to be wonderful and happy...
Speaking of lying, abusive, cheaters - my AV also has a very active imagination. Anything to convince me I need to drink. Learning to deal with the liar living in my head is probably more difficult than dealing with one splitting my lip, but it can be done.
You can do this.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Elle,
All your frustration is causing the AV to ramp up.
Don't give in. Waking up sober is your best defense.
The 6 years w that guy were not a waist...you had some great times for sure....it led you to getting sober..that is awesome. The bad times....forget about them...put them out of your mind. You can do it.
My mom reminded me to live in the present. Learn from the past, but let it go. It can burn us up.
She was not much of a mom, imo......so good advice from her. I let it go...usually.
Stay clean.
All your frustration is causing the AV to ramp up.
Don't give in. Waking up sober is your best defense.
The 6 years w that guy were not a waist...you had some great times for sure....it led you to getting sober..that is awesome. The bad times....forget about them...put them out of your mind. You can do it.
My mom reminded me to live in the present. Learn from the past, but let it go. It can burn us up.
She was not much of a mom, imo......so good advice from her. I let it go...usually.
Stay clean.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
So sorry for this traumatic experience (collectively and immediately). I also empathize with the completely stunning reality of having someone abuse you and get "let off" for it. I had an ex who began abusing me, so I left him after the "little stuff" and he stalked me when I did; ultimately, a restraining order didn't work, we went to court....and despite the overwhelming evidence he was able to plea down to a misdemeanor not get convicted of felony stalking. That SUCKED. You can move past it.
Do you have an actual program? I ask because you just say recovery but not what you are doing. This sounds like a great time to start or recommit to AA - especially because having other people support you, be around you, like in meetings (even if you just sit there!) would likely be a great thing right now.
I know you feel alone and rejected and despondent. You know drinking will make it worse. You can clear your head and move forward if you keep not drinking.
SR is here, and there are other support programs out there.
Today, THIS day, you can not drink. Don't worry or plan for tomorrow. One step - one decision- one friend you call - just...ONE thing.
Please stay connected on here! Oh, and listen to Dee. Dee is very wise.
Do you have an actual program? I ask because you just say recovery but not what you are doing. This sounds like a great time to start or recommit to AA - especially because having other people support you, be around you, like in meetings (even if you just sit there!) would likely be a great thing right now.
I know you feel alone and rejected and despondent. You know drinking will make it worse. You can clear your head and move forward if you keep not drinking.
SR is here, and there are other support programs out there.
Today, THIS day, you can not drink. Don't worry or plan for tomorrow. One step - one decision- one friend you call - just...ONE thing.
Please stay connected on here! Oh, and listen to Dee. Dee is very wise.
but I agree with others. ... I think you're better off without him and deserve much better than him. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Elle126
Last week I discovered that 2 weeks after leaving me he met a Filipina woman who lives in Canada and he is going to marry her next month (although they haven't met in the flesh yet).
It's hard to find the right one when we are with the wrong one. Something to keep in mind.
Also -- it wasn't until I was single and felt ok with it that in time the right one came along. I used to jump from one relationship to another too, too fast.
M-Bob
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: London
Posts: 512
Thank you, thank you everyone, you have no idea how much you have helped me. Yesterday I did the right thing, went to an AA meeting and shared my stuff and as always the support I received was amazing, the love and the wisdom in the rooms never fails to astound me.... Then a newcomer approached me, first day in, shaking and hungover in so much pain and there I discovered the gift of step 12 (not there yet, in the middle of step 4) and I spent the rest of the day with him talking about the joys of sobriety.... Can you imagine? Weeping and wailing in the morning to encouraging, grateful and enthusiastic in the afternoon. Lol.
Thank you all for giving me clarity, when I am in the pain of my love addiction I lose all perspective, the love object becomes all powerful and his rejection of me distorts my reality. I forget the bad stuff, yearn for what it was like in the beginning and forget that the beginning was just an illusion the reality was what took place during the ensuing 5 years.
Alcohol was the glue that kept us together, had I been healthy and sober, I would have binned him long ago.
Staying sober is a daily battle but one I know is worth fighting and oneday I will be in a place where I will be able to thank him for giving me the gift of recovery.
When I do my step 9 I will pray for him and hopefully be able to detach with love, let go of pain and resentment and put down my torch, stepping into the future free.
I will also pray for the new love of his life.... A lamb to the slaughter, a tornado is about to rip her life to shreds. I thought of warning her but I would then be in breach of the injunction and open myself up to repercussions from him. Also I doubt she would listen, I didn't when his ex wife tried to warn me.... So I will pray for her, she thinks she has found the man of her dreams, little does she know the nightmare that approaches....
Bring on the steps, bitterness does not taste very nice!!
Now off to do my step 4 fears list errr I reckon abandonment should go at the very top!
Recovery is wonderful.
Elle x
Thank you all for giving me clarity, when I am in the pain of my love addiction I lose all perspective, the love object becomes all powerful and his rejection of me distorts my reality. I forget the bad stuff, yearn for what it was like in the beginning and forget that the beginning was just an illusion the reality was what took place during the ensuing 5 years.
Alcohol was the glue that kept us together, had I been healthy and sober, I would have binned him long ago.
Staying sober is a daily battle but one I know is worth fighting and oneday I will be in a place where I will be able to thank him for giving me the gift of recovery.
When I do my step 9 I will pray for him and hopefully be able to detach with love, let go of pain and resentment and put down my torch, stepping into the future free.
I will also pray for the new love of his life.... A lamb to the slaughter, a tornado is about to rip her life to shreds. I thought of warning her but I would then be in breach of the injunction and open myself up to repercussions from him. Also I doubt she would listen, I didn't when his ex wife tried to warn me.... So I will pray for her, she thinks she has found the man of her dreams, little does she know the nightmare that approaches....
Bring on the steps, bitterness does not taste very nice!!
Now off to do my step 4 fears list errr I reckon abandonment should go at the very top!
Recovery is wonderful.
Elle x
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Glad that youre feeling better. Isn't it amazing the vast difference a slight shift in perspective can make!
Your ex sounds a great candidate for a resentment prayer every day til you feel better about it. No need to wait for step 9 ....
God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thankyou for your help and strength with this resentment.
Your ex sounds a great candidate for a resentment prayer every day til you feel better about it. No need to wait for step 9 ....
God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thankyou for your help and strength with this resentment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: London
Posts: 512
Thank you Mera. Understanding the joys of gratitude, something I never had in my drinking days when it was all about me.... Poor poor me, our me another drink lol. Am so happy I don't have to be there today, they promise a world beyond our wildest dreams and I'm finally beginning to see the truth in that. I don't want to be nasty selfish, self seeking, self serving blah blah and dearly want to embrace the changes this programme will bring.. Thank you again. Elle 
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