Windancer

It has been over a year since I've been on SR. And I remember I had vowed to stay on here and follow through with all my plans to stay sober and heal. Obviously it did not go that way and I have no one to blame but myself. I have so much guilt, shame, and self loathing right now it really, truly hurts so much. I am trying to overcome that as all it does is drive me further into victim mode. And, lets face it...it sure hasn't helped anything one tiny little bit in the past.

I am grateful I am alive right now. I am grateful I am not in jail. I am grateful I haven't really seriously hurt anyone. I am grateful SR is here for me again.

I am so sick, tired and petrified that this will be my life, and if it continues, probably the death of me. I desperately want to change and I am willing to do whatever it takes. I will own my illness. I alone am responsible for my recovery. I've gotta get real and honest with myself. Follow my plan through. The greatest plans are worthless if I do not follow them through.

I am going to beat this. I am going to become healthy. It will be my number one priority EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Oh, how I look forward to the day that my drinking and drugging days are long gone, and I am in a position to help and support others dealing with this horrible, excruciating dis-ease.

Thanks for reading.

Mattq2

Wind
We have all relapsed. I've done it more then I can count. I'm early into recovery this time. I know you can do this and never have to feel like this again. I know you wil find happiness in sobriety. It's so worth it.

dwtbd

Welcome back, good to see you.
We can't hurry 'long gone', time takes the time it takes. But we sure as hell Can take of the gone part.
You can decide and have that part , right now! Wish you well and hope to see around

Windancer

Thank you both for your kind words . It means a lot to me.
And yes. It truly is one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.
I can do this. It won't always be easy. Healing hurts sometimes.
But I will do this. And I'll never, ever give up.

Windancer

I will be interacting on SR daily. And I am coming up with a new Recovery Plan. I'm not 100% sure what it will all entail yet but I am going to get one.

AdelineRose

Welcome back, it seems like you know what needs to be done, it is just a matter of doing it. Getting completely honest really helped me..but I also needed to go to a lot of substance abuse counseling, I got a doctor that specializes in addiction, I got a psychiatrist that specializes in addiction and got a full psych evaluation and getting on the proper medications and getting any mental illnesses under control made a HUGE difference in getting sober. I always told myself oh I am just this way because I am a heroin addict...well it turned out yes I was a heroin addict but I also had bipolar type 2 disorder, treatment resistant depression, and anxiety so getting that under control made getting in recovery ALOT easier. After getting all that under control I have been able to get almost a year sober..I never was able to do that before.

YOU CAN DO THIS! Reach out to all the resources that are out there, you said you were willing to do anything- so do it! I have also found that journaling all these feelings in early sobriety has helped since I can always go back and read how I used to feel and it helps keep me on track in a weak moment.

Linz805

Yes never give up no matter how many times you fall. I'm still new to sobriety and I hold on so tight to the phrase "It will get better". Don't give up. We always want to be cured right now. Embrace the journey and know absolutely better days are coming!

Dee74

Welcome back windancer

Don't break your back over the recovery plan.

Your inner addict is probably telling you you need a complete detailed plan. It wants to put you off doing anything.

Just think about what might keep you sober...add to that as you think of more things.

D

Gretel123

Hi windancer welcome back to the boards. I've got 5 days now, after 3 years of trying and failing time and again. Your post sounds exactly like how I felt when I first signed up here 5 days ago.
I want this to be the time it finally sticks, and I'm sure you do too.
We can do this! I'm right there with ya.

Delilah1

Hi Windancer!

It is great to see you back again. You were one of the people who welcomed and supported me when I first joined SR in 2012. Like you, I spent time on and off here and struggled with sobriety. I just hit he seven month mark on August 1st and I know I will not start drinking again this time, I can't.

I am really glad you are back, and I'm looking forward to seeing you on here!!

❤️ Delilah

D122y

Step 1...don't drink...no matter what....

Step 2...figure out how to be happy while not drinking...

Hence AA and the 12 steps etc.

I work out and have a gang of folks that I do grappling with. It gets the blood flowing and makes me not want to drink...

Folks need something that makes the content otherwise we get back to drinking....

.....eventually ....

That is the nasty nature of addiction...

The world according to D122y...

PrinzessinD

Welcome back! I took time and relapsed as well. I went to the hospital and they told me it was starting to affect my health and I'm 35. That was a wake-up call. I have no other option but to quit unless I want to cut my life short. I'm on day five and I still kinda feel like crap but not as bad as I did when I was binging. I hope to see you around so we can encourage each other to keep going.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Windancer, great to hear from you again!!

Hevyn

It's so good to have you back with us, Windancer. This will be the time you have success.

Soberwolf

Good to see you

Dee74

How are you windancer?

D

Windancer

I am ok, Dee. Just living in the country where my internet access is tempermental. I'm moving out of the farm. I was also in an abusive relationship last go round so getting out of there will be much healthier for me.

Windancer

I'm actually going over to the farm again today to pack up more boxes.

lyddie

Welcome back Windancer.

City

Thank you for posting. This is how I feel. I've been trying to stay sober since 2010. I have been drinking one time every 30 to 80 days recently and I just can't get unstuck out of this cycle. I have been sober for 1.5 years completely before, but I was pregnant half of the time and it was easy to stay sober. I just drank and today will be day 2, yet again. Cancelled commitments, embarrassment, sadness, in productivity....ugh

I'm trying to be kind to myself but the depression is unbearable for about 2 to 3 months after drinking one night for me. I have clinical depression and have been diagnosed with OCD so it's extra bad.

I'm hoping I can use this place for resources and also find others who are battling alcoholism daily like me.

Thanks for listening.

City