oldsoul112249

I'm new in the group and I'd like to hear from members who have had positive results. It's very overwhelming. No alcohol in the family but a very dysfunctional/abusive/ neglectful upbringing. Thank you for sharing.

DesertEyes

Hello oldsoul, and welcome to our quiet little corner of recovery

Take a little time to browse thru the threads and "stickys" in this forum. There are a lot of success stories there. We have our own terminology, which can be confusing, so please feel free to ask for clarification anytime we use odd ball terms.

Oh yes. Most definetly is. That is why there are rows and rows of self help books in the stores, entire professions dedicated to helping us, and huge world-wide organizations like al-anon and ACoA just for us.

When ACoA started back in the early '80's alcohol was all we knew about. Over the last few decades we have learned better and we now use the word "dysfunction" to cover _all_ the combinations of damage that is done to children by their parents.

Welcome again, I hope you find some answers here.

Mike

Eauchiche

Welcome old soul.
I have been in recovery for 2-1/2 years from alcohol, but this ACOA thing is new to me too.

I am enjoying my new-found freedom from concern about what my FOO thinks of me.

Keep coming back!!!

Spacegoat

Hey oldsoul. Wasn't talking to you in a while. I'm a lot like you in that while they drank occasionally and some stupid and/or traumatic stuff happened I knew of other families (and older friends) who drank much more and frequently, but were a lot happier together and functional. So ditto on the generally dysfunctional/abusive/neglectful upbringing.

To answer your question. Well, identifying with the acoa/d traits basically changed everything for me, in terms of perspective. That this behavior was not me. I had resisted it my whole life and could never put a name on it, but would never repeat it because it was wrong. It just opened a doorway for me to unblame myself for things and start to learn about the dysfunction, and boy did I know a bit about it. It's terrible.

Do you go to meetings? They have the big red book. Not much of it is available online but anything related that I've read I identify with very much. I'm in counselling and therapy at long last, and that's the positive part.

Just seems like that I could finally begin to be myself after learning about the root of my issues, and that I'm not 'all bad' seemingly. I was always confused because I blamed myself for a lot of the dysfunction or believed that I must have deserved it somehow (awful things btw). From the limited stuff I have read the acoa literature teaches otherwise. Peace

WMJ1012

I thank God I did the AA Big Book process first because it gave me a relationship with God. It also gave me tools.
So my experience is that I bring in some things I've learned from ACA - into my process. But I have to have the Big Book too or I'd spiral downwards in rage, intolerance, only thinking of me and never if others, which doesn't work either.
I believe I have a healthy balance of making my life about myself and others.
I have to have something to transmit, some Power, even when setting boundaries. My words have to have a actual real Power or they carry no depth and weight. God has to be in me to be effective.

One of the greatest things I've learned is sometimes, when my narcissist mother is doing her "thing", I can just go over to her and give her a hug.
It works.

Other times I'm just real careful,about what I share.

And still other times, I don't have anything to do with her for a while. I'm in that place right now, and I'm doing it for her and the rest of my family, so they have a chance to heal too, but mostly for myself and especially for God.