ajarlson

We returned home last week, my half brother was forced to deal with the situation of my mom's death as I was out of the country. So the day after we got back he had the memorial scheduled as he had to leave the next day. There are so many feelings involved here, I am coming to terms with the fact that she was, indeed, murdered and did not die as a result of her addictions. I am having to deal with her townhome clean out and car title transfer as well as a host of other things.
The memorial was difficult, about 1/3 of the people there knew we weren't talking and my half brother is once again the golden child even though I took care of her for 5 years after I moved back and he lived across the country for the last 20 years. It was difficult listening to what a vibrant, intelligent, talented and beautiful woman she was and how much she loved her family and faith.
The hardest thing about it is that it is all true. She was brilliant, a sophomore in college when she was 17. She was talented, studied with famous musicians and was a very successful one in her own right. She was breathtakingly beautiful when she was younger and still looked beautiful at the end (although a little ravaged by drugs and alcohol). She loved her family, especially my half brother and his kids, and although she talked about me and my children to anyone who would listen, she did not treat us well.
So it's been a rough week, have a counseling session scheduled, my counselor said (when I called to make the appt) "your feelings must be very complicated". Great description.
Coupled with the fact that I had been thinking of calling her and telling her about the grand-twins coming - I think complicated is a good description.

D122y

Thanks for the post.

I can tell you loved her very much.

Prayers.

ajarlson

I would say more that I admired her. She was taller, prettier, smarter and more talented than I am. I look like a diminished version of her. When she walked into a room the atmosphere changed - and that is not an exaggeration. Multiple people spoke at her memorial about the phenomenon that was my mother. But she wasn't really the mothering type.

ajarlson

The conflict comes from knowing that she was all those wonderful things, and she was also mean, manipulative, controlling and an addict. She just expected that when she was "done" living that I would drop everything and take care of her so she could live the rest of her life wasted. And she decided that she was done when she was 60 and I was only 42. I moved back to her city when I was 45 and she ran me ragged taking care of her, and her issues all stemmed from her addictions. I couldn't take it anymore and a year and a half ago stopped contact with her. It was even more complicated by the fact that she didn't raise me but expected me to take care of her. She raised my half brother but thought it was "too much" for him with his family and all (like I didn't have one). I am angry and sad at what she took from me, and I am angry at the person who took her life and killed any chance at all of even a partial reconciliation. It might have happened, I was getting stronger and was feeling like perhaps I could have some sort of relationship with her without getting steam rolled. Might be kidding myself at this point too. But that's what the counseling is for.

CodeJob

Ajarlson,

You are not a diminished version of your mother. You are your own being with your own talents and very possibly more capable than your mother in the art of life.

Start with that statement you made when you see your counselor. Time to step away from her shadow you live under.

MikeH

I agree 100%.

ajarlson

Thanks. Her shadow was large and it's strange to have it gone but in a strange way it's allowing me to finally think of myself as my own person as it were and not someone I wish I was. My counselor is working on this with me but every time someone reiterates it, I think I hear it a little more. So thank you all

seasaw

thinking about you

ajarlson

Had a good long talk with the detective working her case. How weird is that. Had a bad week last week with all that and really accepting she was murdered and did not die of overdose or something. And then the money crap with my half brother. I seem to be better this week, just knowing for sure what happened and finding peace with the fact that I can legally, ethically, and morally accept the money that she left me, no matter how mad it makes my half brother, has gone a long way towards helping my frame of mind.

seasaw

I can't get over that..... 'murder'.... like, WHAT??!! I can't imagine the onslaught of feelings. complicated as things were with her, that's still so traumatic.

ajarlson

It is CRAZY! I didn't believe it until I spoke with the detective myself. They had sad she died of asphyxiation, and that her house was "ransacked" so I was convinced she just went on another tizandine rage and knocked stuff over and bruised herself and overdosed but the detective was very adamant that it could be "nothing other than homicide". So yeah, a whole different set of emotions come into play. One important one is at that point, nothing anyone could have done would have prevented it (including her), it is literally someone else's fault that she died.

seasaw

I'm just sitting here shaking my head. NOT where we thought this was going.

ajarlson

Not at all. I do wonder how much longer she would have lasted though, her friend told me that lately she had been having heart troubles which is new for her. Not sure if opioid and alcohol abuse causes heart troubles.

seasaw

Well they don't help, do they. Guess we'll never know. I'm so glad you're feeling more at peace, steadily, with how things are being finalized with the estate.

My mom's remaining kidney is failing, so I hear.

Hope your daughter's doing great with her twins-to-be!

ajarlson

Ahhh sorry to hear that Seasaw.
Interestingly enough, part of the peace I have started to find is in the realization that the only thing that has changed in my life (besides having to get through probate) is not having to wonder when it will happen. It's happened. It's done.
Sounds callous perhaps, but she was slowly killing herself and the anxiety of wondering when I would get that phone call is now in the past and I can move on from here. The "how" is weird and that will take a while to resolve as they work the case but the "when" is done now.

seasaw

and for that reason - callous as it sounds but i know you understand - i'm just a wee bit jealous. for the 'it's done' part. she's been sowing seeds of discord in the family and doing more of the same old song and dance and..... well you know.

i'm looking for a smiley that raises a pint glass/beer but i can't find one.

seasaw

ajarlson! you've been such a comrade in arms for a year and a half now! <3

ajarlson

I feel the same about you seasaw since we both went no contact about the same time and had all the same feelings about doing it. It is invaluable to have this connection, thank you for it.
And, it doesn't sound callous to me but then we're both in different places than "normal" people... You know it's going to happen it's just when and how and then getting through the aftermath.
And, as I told the detective, just because I hadn't talked to her in a year and a half doesn't mean I didn't love her. The detective was wonderful and just said yes, she understood, and their job is not to judge people. How refreshing.

seasaw

i'm so glad the detective was like that.

BIG INTERNET HUGS

Dee74

I honestly am lost for words..I'm so sorry ajarlson.

D