The hardest thing right now
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The hardest thing right now
is fully accepting the notion that there is noting that makes him different than other alcoholics, and our relationship different than any other codependent-alcoholic relationship. It is just a very tough pill to swallow. I am aware of it, but avoid thinking about it.
Probably because I avoid acceptance, I still have a tiny spark of "love" for him, but it is like loving a zombie, because what is left is just a sick, sick person, decaying and about to die soon if he does not embrace recovery. It makes me very sad. He is truly a walking dead.
On a more positive note, my life is pretty great. I feel so free and happy. Another valuable lesson is this: I am very mindful when it comes to my boundaries, and I get the red flags and the alarm bell as soon someone starts crossing them. And I know how to walk away. And I did so much in the past month. I drove to different cities, and it was so empowering and relaxing knowing that one day I could get a U Haul and say bye bye to this town.
A year ago, I was so limited and could not even get into a different apartment complex.
Probably because I avoid acceptance, I still have a tiny spark of "love" for him, but it is like loving a zombie, because what is left is just a sick, sick person, decaying and about to die soon if he does not embrace recovery. It makes me very sad. He is truly a walking dead.
On a more positive note, my life is pretty great. I feel so free and happy. Another valuable lesson is this: I am very mindful when it comes to my boundaries, and I get the red flags and the alarm bell as soon someone starts crossing them. And I know how to walk away. And I did so much in the past month. I drove to different cities, and it was so empowering and relaxing knowing that one day I could get a U Haul and say bye bye to this town.
A year ago, I was so limited and could not even get into a different apartment complex.
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It is interesting how similar the situations are, even if the details differ. I know how you feel; I also have love for my A but I see him now as a sick and damaged person and not the healthy partner I had envisioned, or tried to mold him into. Realizing and accepting it, though, is a good first step. It's easier to live in reality when not trying to change it. Sounds like you're doing really well.
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Originally Posted by pndm07 
It is interesting how similar the situations are, even if the details differ. I know how you feel; I also have love for my A but I see him now as a sick and damaged person and not the healthy partner I had envisioned, or tried to mold him into. Realizing and accepting it, though, is a good first step. It's easier to live in reality when not trying to change it. Sounds like you're doing really well.
I know, not my circus, not my monkeys. He is on his own now. But I was still married to him once. And if I had not divorced him, I would eventually be homeless too. And it was not even a year ago. And it is not like his life was horrible back then, on contrary! I guess the speed of his disease progressing really got me.
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healthyagain.....even though we can never predict with accuracy what will happen....there are alcoholics who do end up as you have described---sleeping, homeless, under a bridge, after they have lost everything else......
Before they got a moment of clarity and reached out for sobriety...
I have known some of those individuals......who have been sober for years...
In fact, it is from those transformed individuals that I have learned the very most about alcoholism ....
I hear you......
dandylion
Before they got a moment of clarity and reached out for sobriety...
I have known some of those individuals......who have been sober for years...
In fact, it is from those transformed individuals that I have learned the very most about alcoholism ....
I hear you......
dandylion
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True that, some people hit the bottom sooner than others. Some people never hit it. And it is very true that I cannot predict what is going to happen and that I can only work on my very own life. I know I let him go for a reason. Just did not know he would turn out to be a "textbook example". An alcoholic stereotype. Now I have to be careful not to turn into that codependent stereotype and not to make same mistakes.
But as I said, my life and my situation have improved: I am happier, meeting new people, healthier, my financial situation is better than ever before, I take out-of-town trips, explore new places. I went up, and he went down, and sometimes I feel guilty about it. But I cannot pull him up as much as he can pull me down. Period.
But as I said, my life and my situation have improved: I am happier, meeting new people, healthier, my financial situation is better than ever before, I take out-of-town trips, explore new places. I went up, and he went down, and sometimes I feel guilty about it. But I cannot pull him up as much as he can pull me down. Period.
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((((Hugs)))) HA. I don't want to take away from the point of your post (which I find insightful & aware) but this phrase really caught my attention:
Can you expand on this a little? I find it a bit fascinating that you can be aware of avoiding acceptance & am curious about the psychology behind it. Maybe I've just never heard it put exactly that way, idk? (If you don't mind sharing examples, that is!)
Originally Posted by healthyagain
I avoid acceptance
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LOL, yes.
It is like this, and I'll do my best to describe it.
When I think about my relationship and marriage, I often wonder what was real there and what was not. After the divorce, and after talking to some people who knew my ex, for example his mom, I discovered some things that I find extremely upsetting (my ex was acting "bipolar, " his personal hygiene was bad, he was hospitalized in his early 30s and had DTs), and I swear, I did not know anything about it, I was not aware of his bad hygiene (and actually to me he acted too clean, almost sterile with his cleaning habits!), I knew about his mood swings, I admit that one, but it was exclusively due to heavy liquor. But bipolar, PTSD, seriously??? So technically, his behavior was well known to others, and only when things reached the boiling point and after I went to the local DV, people started telling me these things?
So, what I am asking myself is this: What was real? Who is my ex really? I will accept my codependency, and my share of guilt, but how much exactly is it my fault because I was lied to for years? Was I really gas lighted? Why didn't I see?I've always thought he was trying to protect me from his family, but he was trying to protect the truth from coming out. He did not want me find about his past! Why? Because there is no way I would ever want to deal with that.
So, now I know what was happening, but it is so hard to come to peace with it. Because nothing I believed in was real for the past 10 years. I see my wedding day in a different light, I see every incident we had in a different light, I see the actions of my husband's family in a different light and why we were treated like bums. I actually asked his mom once specifically, "Is there anything you need to tell me about him? Why do you treat us like this? Is there anything I should know about?" And when I think about it, my mind wants to shut down, and just goes blank, singing "la la la" and covering its ears.
It is like this, and I'll do my best to describe it.
When I think about my relationship and marriage, I often wonder what was real there and what was not. After the divorce, and after talking to some people who knew my ex, for example his mom, I discovered some things that I find extremely upsetting (my ex was acting "bipolar, " his personal hygiene was bad, he was hospitalized in his early 30s and had DTs), and I swear, I did not know anything about it, I was not aware of his bad hygiene (and actually to me he acted too clean, almost sterile with his cleaning habits!), I knew about his mood swings, I admit that one, but it was exclusively due to heavy liquor. But bipolar, PTSD, seriously??? So technically, his behavior was well known to others, and only when things reached the boiling point and after I went to the local DV, people started telling me these things?
So, what I am asking myself is this: What was real? Who is my ex really? I will accept my codependency, and my share of guilt, but how much exactly is it my fault because I was lied to for years? Was I really gas lighted? Why didn't I see?I've always thought he was trying to protect me from his family, but he was trying to protect the truth from coming out. He did not want me find about his past! Why? Because there is no way I would ever want to deal with that.
So, now I know what was happening, but it is so hard to come to peace with it. Because nothing I believed in was real for the past 10 years. I see my wedding day in a different light, I see every incident we had in a different light, I see the actions of my husband's family in a different light and why we were treated like bums. I actually asked his mom once specifically, "Is there anything you need to tell me about him? Why do you treat us like this? Is there anything I should know about?" And when I think about it, my mind wants to shut down, and just goes blank, singing "la la la" and covering its ears.
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Ok, I see what you are saying. It sounds like your brain just reaches Overload & shuts down in defense. Oh yes, I relate to this on many levels. It's not just getting the rug ripped out from under you - it's the rug, flooring, walls, fixtures, etc. Not just a little different - a LOT different in a LOT of ways. You start to wonder if you even know who YOU are at ALL.
It could just be that you just aren't ready for all of this yet - and your mind is slowing you down to digest it all in "chunks" to keep you from freaking out completely.
I mean - these kinds of thoughts can seriously warp your mind when you start to honestly question what was reality & what was make-believe.
Oh yes, these are those moments when I would just lie prone on the floor because it was so upsetting that every system in my body felt affected - my nerves, heart, brain, etc. You won't stay in this place forever, I promise!
It could just be that you just aren't ready for all of this yet - and your mind is slowing you down to digest it all in "chunks" to keep you from freaking out completely.
I mean - these kinds of thoughts can seriously warp your mind when you start to honestly question what was reality & what was make-believe. Oh yes, these are those moments when I would just lie prone on the floor because it was so upsetting that every system in my body felt affected - my nerves, heart, brain, etc. You won't stay in this place forever, I promise!
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