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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 29
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Hi everyone
This will be quite a long post I think. I'll start by copying and pasting my first post here, from July last year. I've barely posted at all since:
Hello everyone
I’m not sure whether I should even be posting here (if my message is inappropriate then, Mods, please delete).
I’ve been visiting this wonderful forum for about a year now, but I have never posted. I’ve always lurked voyeuristically in the shadows, reading your posts, and wishing I had half the courage that so many of you display on these pages on a daily basis.
I suppose the reason I’m here is that I would like to share my story. I am a very heavy drinker, and I would like to stop. I’ve regularly taken time off the booze (usually a month – the last time being February this year) but always gone back to it afterwards, and always more heavily than before. My drinking is becoming a real problem for me because I’m terrified of the damage I’m doing to myself; yet at the same time I’m not suffering from any of the social or financial woes of many other alcoholics and this makes it harder for me to give up.
I’m 29 years old now, and I’ve been drinking heavily for about 11 years. When I was 21 I was drinking 3 bottles of wine a day, and at the moment I’m drinking about 40 units a day, I think. For example, yesterday I had a 70cl bottle of gin, a miniature bottle of wine, and 4 pint cans of Stella lager. I’m in quite an unusual situation because I have never taken a day off work because of alcohol (I’ve never taken a day’s sick leave in 7 years), never vomited due to alcohol, and in December last year I had a routine ‘blood picture’ test which included a liver function test and everything came back as normal.
My girlfriend’s mum commented a few weeks ago that she has never seen me drunk. The actual fact is that she has never seen me sober. I seem to hide it well, and no one has ever mentioned that I smell of booze. I genuinely believe that none of my friends, my family, or my girlfriend, knows I have this problem. This makes me feel like I am living a lie.
Lately it’s got a lot worse. I completed my PhD two years ago, but I’ve struggled to get an academic job and for the last year I have been working in a call centre. I applied for almost 200 jobs but didn’t really get anywhere. This has really damaged my self-esteem because I feel that people are judging me as a failure, and many of my friends who have not been to university are much more successful than I am in terms of money and job satisfaction. This has led me to drink much more. I often drink a 35cl bottle of gin on the train, neat, before work. I also have to keep nipping to the toilets at work to drink miniature bottles of wine. On the train home I usually have a 4-pack of strong lager or cider, then drink until I pass out in my flat. There is clearly a problem, and yet I’m at odds as to how to conquer it. Last time I stopped drinking I felt fine and didn’t have any physical or emotional withdrawal symptoms but then I got bored of being sober and went to the pub. I have an extremely active mind and my current job, and various hobbies (of which there are many) simply aren’t providing me with enough stimulation to stay sober.
A few years ago I worked at an aquarium. In the aquarium there was an octopus who lived in a tank on its own, and we had to give it toys to ‘play’ with because, apparently, they are very intelligent creatures and require constant entertainment to prevent them from deteriorating. Now, five years later, I am that octopus. The only difference is there is simply nothing that can keep me entertained except for alcohol.
I’ve noticed a few physical symptoms lately which have worried me. The first is that as soon as I take a drink (it’s usually a large one: a full glass of gin necked in two or three gulps) I start to sweat very heavily to the point where I am dripping with it. I’ve also woken up every day for the past three months or so with a very rapid and heavy heartbeat that’s so intense I can literally see it beating through my shirt when I stand in front of the mirror. When I brush my teeth, my gums bleed a lot and I have had a few intense nosebleeds which go on for ages. I also have a permanent pain in my solar plexus which feels like it might be caused by anxiety. In the past, I’ve had a stomach ulcer and kidney stones.
The ironic thing is that, in the past, when I’ve taken a month of drinking, I’ve felt so good about my demonstration of self-control that I’ve genuinely thought I could stop for good. But I’m always sucked back. I love drinking – I get so excited for my first drink of the day and nothing else comes close to making me feel that way anymore. It’s the one thing that gets me out of bed and inspires me to drag myself 50 miles to the call centre.
Anyway, that’s my story. I want to stop drinking. I don’t know if I can. Perhaps this post is the first step towards a sober life. I don’t expect replies or sympathy. Sometimes it’s more important to write something down than it is for other people to read it. But I’m sending this message out, into the void of the internet, in the hope that I might establish a connection with other people, who have been in this dark place themselves, and who have dragged themselves out of it, into the light, and been better off for it.
Thank you for reading.
-------------------------------
Just after this post was written, there were some major changes in my life. I managed to secure my dream job, and I moved into my dream house, in a different city. The sad thing is that I carried on drinking and it became worse than ever.
In April this year I was diagnosed with fatty liver. Goodness knows how long I've had it. My liver enzymes were pretty much normal, though, and the doctor said that this was 'reassuring'. So, what did I do? I carried on drinking, of course, up to a litre of spirits a day.
The seizures and withdrawal symptoms got worse and worse up to the point that I would wake every few hours in the night and have to sneak downstairs and get a drink to stop the shakes, sweats, shivers, and racing thoughts.
A couple of times I've visited friends and really embarrassed myself - not because I've been drunk but because I've been so shaky that I'm unable to hold a mug of tea in two hands without spelling it everywhere. I've no idea what people thought was wrong with me. I don't think anyone really knows I drink because no one has ever said anything about it. Knowing my family, they would definitely say something.
Anyway, it's now 8 days since I had a drink. I did it cold turkey, and it was difficult, but I got through it.
There's not much else to say. I just wanted to check in, say hello, and wish you all well - whatever your story.
This will be quite a long post I think. I'll start by copying and pasting my first post here, from July last year. I've barely posted at all since:
Hello everyone
I’m not sure whether I should even be posting here (if my message is inappropriate then, Mods, please delete).
I’ve been visiting this wonderful forum for about a year now, but I have never posted. I’ve always lurked voyeuristically in the shadows, reading your posts, and wishing I had half the courage that so many of you display on these pages on a daily basis.
I suppose the reason I’m here is that I would like to share my story. I am a very heavy drinker, and I would like to stop. I’ve regularly taken time off the booze (usually a month – the last time being February this year) but always gone back to it afterwards, and always more heavily than before. My drinking is becoming a real problem for me because I’m terrified of the damage I’m doing to myself; yet at the same time I’m not suffering from any of the social or financial woes of many other alcoholics and this makes it harder for me to give up.
I’m 29 years old now, and I’ve been drinking heavily for about 11 years. When I was 21 I was drinking 3 bottles of wine a day, and at the moment I’m drinking about 40 units a day, I think. For example, yesterday I had a 70cl bottle of gin, a miniature bottle of wine, and 4 pint cans of Stella lager. I’m in quite an unusual situation because I have never taken a day off work because of alcohol (I’ve never taken a day’s sick leave in 7 years), never vomited due to alcohol, and in December last year I had a routine ‘blood picture’ test which included a liver function test and everything came back as normal.
My girlfriend’s mum commented a few weeks ago that she has never seen me drunk. The actual fact is that she has never seen me sober. I seem to hide it well, and no one has ever mentioned that I smell of booze. I genuinely believe that none of my friends, my family, or my girlfriend, knows I have this problem. This makes me feel like I am living a lie.
Lately it’s got a lot worse. I completed my PhD two years ago, but I’ve struggled to get an academic job and for the last year I have been working in a call centre. I applied for almost 200 jobs but didn’t really get anywhere. This has really damaged my self-esteem because I feel that people are judging me as a failure, and many of my friends who have not been to university are much more successful than I am in terms of money and job satisfaction. This has led me to drink much more. I often drink a 35cl bottle of gin on the train, neat, before work. I also have to keep nipping to the toilets at work to drink miniature bottles of wine. On the train home I usually have a 4-pack of strong lager or cider, then drink until I pass out in my flat. There is clearly a problem, and yet I’m at odds as to how to conquer it. Last time I stopped drinking I felt fine and didn’t have any physical or emotional withdrawal symptoms but then I got bored of being sober and went to the pub. I have an extremely active mind and my current job, and various hobbies (of which there are many) simply aren’t providing me with enough stimulation to stay sober.
A few years ago I worked at an aquarium. In the aquarium there was an octopus who lived in a tank on its own, and we had to give it toys to ‘play’ with because, apparently, they are very intelligent creatures and require constant entertainment to prevent them from deteriorating. Now, five years later, I am that octopus. The only difference is there is simply nothing that can keep me entertained except for alcohol.
I’ve noticed a few physical symptoms lately which have worried me. The first is that as soon as I take a drink (it’s usually a large one: a full glass of gin necked in two or three gulps) I start to sweat very heavily to the point where I am dripping with it. I’ve also woken up every day for the past three months or so with a very rapid and heavy heartbeat that’s so intense I can literally see it beating through my shirt when I stand in front of the mirror. When I brush my teeth, my gums bleed a lot and I have had a few intense nosebleeds which go on for ages. I also have a permanent pain in my solar plexus which feels like it might be caused by anxiety. In the past, I’ve had a stomach ulcer and kidney stones.
The ironic thing is that, in the past, when I’ve taken a month of drinking, I’ve felt so good about my demonstration of self-control that I’ve genuinely thought I could stop for good. But I’m always sucked back. I love drinking – I get so excited for my first drink of the day and nothing else comes close to making me feel that way anymore. It’s the one thing that gets me out of bed and inspires me to drag myself 50 miles to the call centre.
Anyway, that’s my story. I want to stop drinking. I don’t know if I can. Perhaps this post is the first step towards a sober life. I don’t expect replies or sympathy. Sometimes it’s more important to write something down than it is for other people to read it. But I’m sending this message out, into the void of the internet, in the hope that I might establish a connection with other people, who have been in this dark place themselves, and who have dragged themselves out of it, into the light, and been better off for it.
Thank you for reading.
-------------------------------
Just after this post was written, there were some major changes in my life. I managed to secure my dream job, and I moved into my dream house, in a different city. The sad thing is that I carried on drinking and it became worse than ever.
In April this year I was diagnosed with fatty liver. Goodness knows how long I've had it. My liver enzymes were pretty much normal, though, and the doctor said that this was 'reassuring'. So, what did I do? I carried on drinking, of course, up to a litre of spirits a day.
The seizures and withdrawal symptoms got worse and worse up to the point that I would wake every few hours in the night and have to sneak downstairs and get a drink to stop the shakes, sweats, shivers, and racing thoughts.
A couple of times I've visited friends and really embarrassed myself - not because I've been drunk but because I've been so shaky that I'm unable to hold a mug of tea in two hands without spelling it everywhere. I've no idea what people thought was wrong with me. I don't think anyone really knows I drink because no one has ever said anything about it. Knowing my family, they would definitely say something.
Anyway, it's now 8 days since I had a drink. I did it cold turkey, and it was difficult, but I got through it.
There's not much else to say. I just wanted to check in, say hello, and wish you all well - whatever your story.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Welcome back to SR, Void. I am really glad you are here.
8 days is a great start. But it take time to get on top of your alcoholism. There will be crazy strong urges to drink in the weeks and months to come. Have you thought about how you will deal with that over time? In other words, let me be the first to ask, "Do you have a plan?"
I hope you will post often and let us know how you are doing.
8 days is a great start. But it take time to get on top of your alcoholism. There will be crazy strong urges to drink in the weeks and months to come. Have you thought about how you will deal with that over time? In other words, let me be the first to ask, "Do you have a plan?"
I hope you will post often and let us know how you are doing.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Welcome back! Sounds like you were never really hit with the negative consequences of drinking so it must have been easy to keep drinking or to go back after a brief stop. Quitting now is going to be a whole heck of a lot different now that you have seen the consequences. I had a kick in the ass like that myself. It made it more real for me. I wish you well!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Welcome back to the forum, your story sounds very similar to mine. I have been drinking for about 11 years now as well, I knew something wasn't right for a while, but I just couldn't stop as it also never really caused me any problems, it will like my best friend, how could it be so bad?
Bring on the most recent years and it gets worse and worse. Drinking just once a day turned into drinking all day, which turned into day and night, to finally just like in your case to severe benders where I would be waking up after just a few hours and binge again and I couldn't stop, leading to the same hell like withdrawals.
Now that it's at this phase, I know it is a severe problem that has to be stopped. Congrats on day 8, it sounds like you have a great future ahead that could be destroyed if you don't keep down the right path.
Bring on the most recent years and it gets worse and worse. Drinking just once a day turned into drinking all day, which turned into day and night, to finally just like in your case to severe benders where I would be waking up after just a few hours and binge again and I couldn't stop, leading to the same hell like withdrawals.
Now that it's at this phase, I know it is a severe problem that has to be stopped. Congrats on day 8, it sounds like you have a great future ahead that could be destroyed if you don't keep down the right path.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 29
Thanks everyone.
I don't have a plan as such. Every single part of my life was inextricably caught up in drinking, so it's not as if I can simply avoid situations in which I would have drank in the past. I drank at home, at work, in the car, when I was in the bath, on trains, on the bus, whenever I went out, while I watched TV, while I ate, while I socialised, while I was in bed, while I was doing household chores, when I was anxious, when I was bored, when I was happy, when I was depressed... The list goes on. I suppose my plan is just not to drink, and to keep alcohol out of the house. That way, if I do decide to give in, I will have to go somewhere to procure it and experience tells me I'm likely to change my mind en route.
Personally, my cravings can be extremely intense but they rarely last for longer than a few minutes.
I don't have a plan as such. Every single part of my life was inextricably caught up in drinking, so it's not as if I can simply avoid situations in which I would have drank in the past. I drank at home, at work, in the car, when I was in the bath, on trains, on the bus, whenever I went out, while I watched TV, while I ate, while I socialised, while I was in bed, while I was doing household chores, when I was anxious, when I was bored, when I was happy, when I was depressed... The list goes on. I suppose my plan is just not to drink, and to keep alcohol out of the house. That way, if I do decide to give in, I will have to go somewhere to procure it and experience tells me I'm likely to change my mind en route.
Personally, my cravings can be extremely intense but they rarely last for longer than a few minutes.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Congrats on 8 days 
I dunno...maybe precisely because your life was inextricably caught up in drinking, a plan is a good idea?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
I dunno...maybe precisely because your life was inextricably caught up in drinking, a plan is a good idea?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Littleton
Posts: 80
That was my wake up call, literally, waking up in the middle of the night and my chest was shuddering and vibrating and my thoughts were racing. I would get up and do a shot just to get rid of the vibrating. I went to the hospital last week ant had blood work, they told me if I didn't stop i would have liver disease by my mid 40's. (I''m 35). I would wake up and immediatly start drinking (lightly) throughout the day, then go full throttle in the evening until I passed out. I'm on day 4, not looking back. I averted staying with family aftraid they would hear me get up in the middle of the night to drink. It's so embarrassing. I'm on day four. I had the stomach ulcers too. Not fun. Hang in there, I will too
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by PrinzessinD 
That was my wake up call, literally, waking up in the middle of the night and my chest was shuddering and vibrating and my thoughts were racing. I would get up and do a shot just to get rid of the vibrating. I went to the hospital last week ant had blood work, they told me if I didn't stop i would have liver disease by my mid 40's. (I''m 35). I would wake up and immediatly start drinking (lightly) throughout the day, then go full throttle in the evening until I passed out. I'm on day 4, not looking back. I averted staying with family aftraid they would hear me get up in the middle of the night to drink. It's so embarrassing. I'm on day four. I had the stomach ulcers too. Not fun. Hang in there, I will too
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