Lightning Bug

I have been sober for 38 days, no alcohol. I am not craving it or thinking about it or dreaming about it. But I can't go into an NA meeting and say I am clean. My destructive obsessive thoughts have returned in gusto and I am having a hard time keeping them at bay. My DOC are benzos (I crave being down not high). But like alcohol though, I am not obsessing about those. My obsession took a new turn and I found myself taking an extra Adderall every morning in the past few days. I have never abused them before. This is new. I think I did it because I think I was looking for a crutch. I fell back into the habit of wanting to pop a pill to feel better, the action of swallowing it was familiar and comforting. Having never abused them before I really think it is the actual thought of having something, anything, to take that made me do it. Luckily I can't take more than one extra because too much makes me want to come out of my skin.

The obsession is real. I found myself looking forward to it - which is so weird because I have always had to be reminded to take it before.

I have always lied to people about taking extra medication, but my experience in rehab has taught me that lying about it is wrong. So I confessed to my husband, had him lock it up and give it to me as prescribed, and now I am confessing to you. I am thinking that I need to get rid of it though. I can't have these obsessive thoughts. Thoughts like this will lead me back to using. There is a non-stimulant medication I can take for my ADHD. I will ask my doctor at my next appointment.

Please don't think badly of me!

WeekendWarrior

No one here will ever think bad of you for talking about your addictions. It's why we are here.

I don't have any advice for you. Watch the benzos; I had some family issues last year and I was prescribed a benzo like it was a multivitamin. Luckily, b/c I'm paranoid about medicine, I went straight to WebMD.com and learned how addicted they are.

Lightning Bug

Thank you WW. Benzos are a poison that destroys people. I will never touch that poison again because it is my DOC and even just one will take me right back into the pit of self-destruction.

Fly N Buy

Consider perhaps going to an NA meeting and sharing your experience. Garner strength from others strength & hope.

Sounds like you've reached some acceptance = good!

Lightning Bug

I am going to NA on Friday (I go to AA on other days). I rarely if ever share at NA because of a negative experience I had when I first started going. I know this will sound stupid and irrational, but it makes me anxious about what people think of me because in my last group I felt like an outsider with just a benzo addiction and not one to narcotics or illegal drugs like every one else. There were a few prescription pill addicts there and we all felt like it was high school again and we weren't part of the "popular group." It was like we weren't good enough drug addicts to be there. The cliques didnt seem to understand that addiction is addiction no matter what the drug. I think it might have been the age group, though, it was mostly comprised of young and immature adults. I never shared anything after that and then I stopped going. I found myself welcomed at AA though, I was on equal ground with them.

The group I am going to on Friday is a new one. Maybe it will be different.

Fly N Buy

I have found over time I need to be in those uncomfortable situations. Ultimately I came out the other side comfortable in my own skin. Once I accepted me it didn't matter if other did. In hindsight objectionable people helped me grow faster though very painful in the moment I found.

Not trying to convince you of anything - but I found this true in my case.

WeekendWarrior

Wow, that's ridiculous.

Lightning Bug

It really was. The popular group also made everyone uncomfortable with topping each other's war stories. And then there were the ones doing drugs I'm the parking lot after.

But I can't judge all of NA on this one group. Hope the meeting on Friday is good.

keeppushing

Yeah, not surprising. I've been told addiction stops emotional growth. I believe it.

Good luck!

KP

Lightning Bug

Totally bumping this so I can confess to the evening crowd. It is like I am confessing to a Priest and getting forgiveness before he kicks me out for being a Lutheran.

Gottalife

"My obsession took a new turn and I found myself taking an extra Adderall every morning in the past few days."

"And then there were the ones doing drugs I'm the parking lot after.

But I can't judge all of NA on this one group"

Are you in a position to judge at all. It looks like you are doing exactly the same thing, or is it more acceptable to abuse drugs at home than in a parking lot.

The principle of anonymity is that we are all spritually equal, none better than the other. NA, if it follows the example of AA, makes the assumption that "the reader wants to stop" not that he must stop, in order to join.

The people in the car park have just as much right to be there as you. The hope is that you and they, will hear the solution and begin taking action on it. We take the steps to recover, not the other way around.

Lightning Bug

Are we ever in a position to judge anyone? It happens all the time. Just like you are judging me here now. I have no problem admitting that I judged the people unfairly for doing drugs in the parking lot of NA, just like those people unfairly judged me for being there at all. Maybe my recovery will offer me lessons in not casting judgment on strangers. I'm cool with that.

Oh, and I don't think I am better than them because I used at home, assuming that is just as judgemental. Where you use is irrelevant when you are guilty of using at all. And I freely admit my guilt on this post today.

Dee74

I think many of us have experience of transfer addictions or have had parallel addictions, so noone is going to think less of you Bug.

For me I obsessed about drinking...then I obsessed about not drinking.

I obsess far less now but there's always going to be an element of that in me.

These days I try to obsess productively - I obsess about doing a good job here, or learning a new song, or cleaning the house...

I sometimes obsessively binge watch TV series or listen to a particular band - but I'm ok with that

D

Lightning Bug

Thanks for your support Dee. I have a mental box filled to the brim of things that I have to change in my thinking, habits and behavior that it gets overwhelming. The mindless action of adding one extra pill just happened to be something I thought I changed. But I know that thinking still needs work. I'm on it! All in good time.

Dee74

It's a journey not a destination...and it's not a race either

I wanted to be fixed NOW...but I needed to get to certain points to get to other points...

Stopping drinking can be like 'drop it like it's hot'...

but the follow up kind of lifestyle/worldview/thoughts/feelings/reactions change takes time

D

sugarbear1

Have you found a sponsor yet or worked those steps? That is when my obsession to drink/use left me.

Lightning Bug

I just started AA on Saturday and met so many different women with names I can't even remember. I need to get to know some and hopefully I can find a sponsor.