Stewy84

Clue in the title really. My girlfriend moved out its now 2 months since that happened. Since then it's been a rocky road as she has offered up mixed messages and not been clear with what she wants. This has led me to doubt my own approach and I have to admit, I've contemplated picking up some cans from the off licence and having myself a pity party.

She's sent me scraps of information throughout the 2 months, little texts here and there, the odd enquiry into my daily life, just enough to keep things going.

In the midst of all of this she's been back to the house we both own to inform me of how I've ruined her life and I win because I get to "keep the house". I have stressed that I know it is our house and if she wants to talk about a future plan (even if it does not involve being together) regarding living arrangements then I'm happy to do that at anytime.

She drunk called and text me a couple of weeks back and then laughed when I asked what it was about. Why would you do that to someone you know still has feelings for you? If you really wanted to move on why not leave the other person alone?

I've tried to do the right thing by her the last couple of weeks, I bought flowers this Fruday just gone for our anniversary and had them delivered to her workplace, we had been texting eachother pleasantly over the last couple of weeks. I thought I was starting to build some trust and rapport back up but then...

I text her on Friday to see if she wanted to go out for an anniversary meal (she declined) I then contacted her Saturday to say I was at a loose end for the afternoon - did she want to come out and do something nice?

It was then she erupted - "I hate you, I wish I'd never met you, you're a ****, you win because you get the house, even my mum is siding with you, I want nothing to do with you"

I tried to calm it but she just went on and on.

She phoned later and apologised. Stupidly I decided to speak of my frustrations over the last 2 months, that she has refused to give closure, seemed like she wants to play games, and not really been clear on how we move all this forward. I decided on Sunday to tell her I wanted nothing more to do with her unless it was to speak like adults about the future of our home. I want her to know that she can't just keep using me like a toy in her game.

She said she doesn't know what she wants, complaining she's sleeping on a blow up bed in her friends house (I spoke to her mum who has 2 empty rooms there, she also has our house) this was used to try and make me feel bad that I'm still at the house well I'm sorry but she totally bailed out and gave up and now she's playing mind games. It's been 2 months guys! I'm ready to move forward but she won't even tell me if she loves me anymore.

I've asked if she's happy now, she said she is upset and she seems miserable but at the same time she just hasn't let me in AT ALL to help the situation.

The last message was last night when she wished me well for a job interview I have on Friday. I did not reply to the message as if I don't reply I can't get dragged into a game.

I've put my cards on the table, told her I love her, told her I'm worried about her but I have to walk away from her until (if ever) it is she works out what she wants.

I'm having a lot of alone time of a night in the house and I'm just concerned right now as my mind has been drifting to -" I'll go the off licence and get s 6 pack"

I don't know what to do about the situation. Me and her mum met on Sunday and are both concerned for her welfare but there comes a time particularly for me when I have to weigh up if it's really worth trying to impart myself in her life when at the moment she just doesn't seem to want to know

Lightning Bug

I only have a second because I just pulled into a gas station. Please don't pick up a drink to deal with a toxic woman. She seems to be playing games with you. I know you said you love her, but look at it from a different side. She is baiting you - I wonder if she is trying to make you drink?

Soberwolf

I dont know Stewy but all I do know is drinking is never going to make things better

Things sound so up & down & it's sounds like she is hurting & in a bad place

Not sure what's best for you at this point but as your friend I'm there bud

IvanMike

Getting loaded won't solve anything, but it will get you miserable and closer to dead.

I have had to learn several hard lessons in recovery. One important one was "Don't want to get burned? Stop touching the stove."

Dee74

There's not a lot that sounds healthy to me in this relationship Stewy.

Have you decided whether you want to move on or not?

It seems to me the longer you stay in this holding pattern the more you're going to find the AV whispering it's lies in your ear about an easy fix?

D

MidnightRider

Hey - I can't advise you what to do but feel for your situation. Drinking is not the answer.. Your control and awareness is what is keeping you together. You sound like a very kind person.

soberclover

I really hope you don't drink over this as it truly will only make the situation worse and you'll just have to clean it up later. Sending you some positive vibes!

aasharon90

Manipulation is what came to mind
when I read your post up top. Both,
men and women know how to play
games to get what they want.

Sounds like all she's interested in
is getting the house. Of course I
could be wrong, but that is the
message im receiving in my mind.

If the house is yours and you
bought it, then it belongs to you.
It's the roof over your head
and is your home. It takes a lot
to own a home and to call it
your own. Right?

I often heard that relationships
are difficult as almost all of us
know. It takes work on both parts
to make it work. Honesty, trust,
communication, understanding,
and so much more.

If we are new in recovery, then
it is suggested that we work on
learning all we can, educating
ourselves about our addiction
incorporating an effective program
of recovery in all areas of our
lives in order to build a strong
solid foundation to live our lives
upon for yrs to come.

Bringing in another person into
that equation is another element
that can test us to the limits and
as you can see and have written,
this relationship is testing you.

It takes all we have to learn how
to remain healthy, happy and most
of all sober or clean by ourselves
before adding another element
into our lives.

and its not just relationships, but
can be almost anything, like work,
or anything that involves stress,
emotions, etc.

Taking care of you and learning
about your own addiction and its
affects on you and others around
you is very important in building
that strong foundation.

You could very well be working
on you, but I don't know anything
about your lady friend. Women, like
myself are complexed creatures. lol

We as well as men, can be very
emotional at times. We can use
everything we have to get what
we want never mind how we treat
the other person. Just as long as
we get our needs met.

Is the house what she wants
or needs. What are her own
motives for wanting the house?

I have lived in several houses
over my 50 some ought yrs.
an have finally found a home
to live in and share with, filled
with recovery, love, understanding,
communication, all with some
give and take as well as over
looking some character defects
because none of us are perfect
in all we do.

Just striving to or progressing
to be the best we can in all areas
of our lives.

I don't know if you can take
anything from what I wrote
but its just a few thoughts
rolling around in my own
mind to share with you.

Taking care of you in recovery
is so important if you want to
achieve all the promises as writtin
in the Big Book of AA for us to
enjoy for yrs to come.

Stewy84

I still love her to bits despite what is happening but I have to deal with the reality rather than making up stories in my head about what I think is actually happening. For all I know she could be meeting someone else on a rebound and she's just totally lost all control.

It's like a drug, the more I try to reach her and push for her to give me closure, the more desperate and misled I become, the more chaotic my life becomes when I realise she can't give me what I'm looking for and the more I resign myself to her not caring enough to reach out.

This is why I'm frustrated at her, she had no reason to contact me and still doesn't unless she wants to reconcile or start again. Why play a game? What's the outcome of the game?

So frustrated with it, I thought the whole initial point of her going was because I was too selfish, it feels like In the 2 months I've gone and done a load of work on myself and looked at my involvement in the deterioration of the relationship, she has not moved forward one bit. She's still saying "how have you changed" the response from me is "lots of ways" but the clincher is she'll never know if I've changed by shutting me out 24/7

SparkleKitty

It's possible that a stretch of No Contact, initiated and enforced by you, will give you both the time, clarity, and space you need to really determine how you each feel about the relationship and what you want. This intermittent and fluctuating affection/resentment/explosion cycle isn't doing either of you any good.

Empowering yourself to take action on this could release some of your own frustration and help your resistance to picking up again.

MLD51

Agree on the no contact advice. It's hard, I know. But it sounds like she is very confused and hurting in some way, and your efforts to help are not getting you anywhere. She's going to have to put her big girl panties on and figure it out for herself. I actually had to do that for myself not long ago - I broke things off with a man I was seeing because I was confused about my feelings for him, and it wasn't fair to him. Hard to do? You bet. He is a very nice guy, but I felt co-dependence creeping in (we are both in recovery and certainly do not need that in our lives). Take a look at some literature online about co-dependency. Sounds to me like there is some of that going on in your situation.

EndGameNYC

She's moving on. I can only think of one reasonable explanation why she doesn't tell you she loves you. Even so. and unless you want to remain in all the chaos and drama, the only thing to do is get on with your own life. Your contacts with her only sound like desperation on your part. Telling her that you've changed in "lots of ways" doesn't mean anything to her.

More important...What's in it for you to be in such an emotionally unstable relationship?

If it's something you feel you need to drink over, then it's not worth it.

Spacegoat

Stewy you don't want to hear the truth anyway do you bud?

She's lying to you (most likely) and stringing you along (most definitely).

You probably are not even in love with her but your idealized fantasy of what she should be like...

Think about that for a while. This is seriously frustrating for me because it a mirror image of my former self.

It went on and on ad infinitum and the same is gonna happen for you. I understand what it's like man but you are in complete denial.

I now know, and it took me a decade (which were supposed to be the prime years of my life) that the only thing I had any control over were 'my' issues.

I was being used and abused and I let it happen. It's called co-dependency. Please don't be like me is all I'm saying. Peace out & seek professional advice dude...

Stewy84

I'm just going to do no contact, it doesn't even matter if she gives me a closure I need to give it to myself.

She probably doesn't give a toss anymore, certainly not enough to want to sort anything out.

It's a really sad situation but I guess I'll have to move on

Spacegoat

She's probably not the right girl for you man. I'm sure some would say (and already have many times over) that this is evidently the case.

For me realising and deciding this to be the truth was the first step to moving on. Not gonna lie man it is a difficult situation (for all guys)

But you deserve to feel better don't ya think? Make a plan and stick to it this time. Which is why I think you need support man, seriously.

Stewy84

Not gonna lie. I'm gutted, really upset about it and it feels awful

theTHINman

I think you're doing the right thing by just rolling on, Stewy. I'm in a similarly nebulous situation with my wife right now - it's been two months since she said she thought she might be done with our relationship and needed time and space to sort things out. Since then she's been kind of wishy-washy (which is fine, if she honestly doesn't know) about things and I've been flailing around like a flag in a hurricane based upon any little interaction we have, no matter how inconsequential or small. A heart after her good morning message? She still loves me! A prompt "No" after a question? She hates me! I've gotten better about getting a hold of myself as of late but it still sucks. One thing I do know, though: If we weren't married or didn't have a child, I would have let her walk.

Nobody needs that kind of manipulation (be it on accident or purpose) and especially not someone who is desperately trying to remain sober. I, too, have been tested beyond my limits with not just caving and burying myself in a 12-pack. What a sweet release that would be...for a few hours....and then.......sheer misery. Stay strong, bud. So much good will come your way, even if it doesn't seem like it now.

firstymer

You've got two boxes of stuff you are dealing with, Stewy. Your relationship issues are in one box. Your sobriety is in the other. Two separate issues. Two separate boxes.

Keep them separate.

As to the "alcohol" box, there is nothing to talk about there, is there? Alcohol made your life a mess. If you return to drinking, alcohol will make your life an even bigger mess than you feel that it is now. So, that box is easy to deal with. You know what to do with that box. Keep the lid on it. Leave it alone. It is non-negotiable. Drinking is not an option.

What you do with the second box, the relationship box, is the harder question. The right thing to do, it seems, is to keep your dignity. Move on. Change your number. Find someone who appreciates you.

But no matter what you do, keep your two boxes separate.

Good luck. We are pulling for you.

Soberwolf

I'm really sorry this is happening Stewy .. know by staying sober through this youl be better off by far

I just tried to send you a pm empty your inbox & outbox bud

Stewy84

Thanks wolf, just erased some now