Where's my guilt?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 2
Where's my guilt?
First off, this seems a very active forum. I'm sure I'll be lost in the static. Or I'm violating some rule of the forum that seems to be the case when a forum is this active.
So, my apologies.
I kicked my alcoholic wife out of the house, cancelling the latest attempt at reconciliation.
I could fill in this space with a litany of the last 6 years of our marriage, detailing all the rotten things I've endured. But I'm sure readers here will already know how bad things can get.
So, I'll be brief... She claimed to have quit drinking, I don't know if she had or not. She moved back in ~72 hours ago to try and make the 11 year old marriage work. From the first hour she was resentful because I count my invalid mother-in-law's oxy pills. You see, Alcoholic Wife (AW) has a bad pill problem. But invalid mother-in-law (who I've been caring for solo for 4.5 months along with our 5 kids and a very fortunate work from home job)... MIL is REALLY hard to take care of when she's low on pain pills. AW has stolen pills in the past. So, I told her before she moved in I'd have to start locking up the pills. And I made good on that promise.
Anyway, for that and other reasons (she's been ice cold, spiteful, argumentative about everything for 72 hour), today when she threw the new scrip bottle at me while I was counting them, that was the last straw and I had the cops come and kick her out. I'm the only one on the lease here so she can't legally stay if I ask her to leave AND she hasn't been living here.
There's hours of other details (like her offering to help me count the pills in the new bottle she just brought home from the pharmacy, 'accidentally' spilling the pills, leaving 2 on the floor, then trying to throw me off by 2 pills while I was counting and by distracting me and interrupting me while I was counting the pills - 2,4,6,8 and she's mumbling 4,6,8 10.. like she was trying to get me 2 pills off so she could keep the 2 she hid when she 'spilt' the bottle). Hours of other details. She's a pill, booze, and light (?) cocaine addict. I think coke is more her lightest addiction, but you never know with an addict. Anyway, after 6 years of this, calling off a divorce twice - once just 5 days before the court date - I ended up kicking her out today.
Where is my guilt? I swear to God, I'm guilt free. Don't care what happens to her. after 11 years. Have I finally hit my rock bottom of dealing with her addictive behavior? It's been NICE without the drama and fighting that comes with her here and either drunk or pilled out.
So, my apologies.
I kicked my alcoholic wife out of the house, cancelling the latest attempt at reconciliation.
I could fill in this space with a litany of the last 6 years of our marriage, detailing all the rotten things I've endured. But I'm sure readers here will already know how bad things can get.
So, I'll be brief... She claimed to have quit drinking, I don't know if she had or not. She moved back in ~72 hours ago to try and make the 11 year old marriage work. From the first hour she was resentful because I count my invalid mother-in-law's oxy pills. You see, Alcoholic Wife (AW) has a bad pill problem. But invalid mother-in-law (who I've been caring for solo for 4.5 months along with our 5 kids and a very fortunate work from home job)... MIL is REALLY hard to take care of when she's low on pain pills. AW has stolen pills in the past. So, I told her before she moved in I'd have to start locking up the pills. And I made good on that promise.
Anyway, for that and other reasons (she's been ice cold, spiteful, argumentative about everything for 72 hour), today when she threw the new scrip bottle at me while I was counting them, that was the last straw and I had the cops come and kick her out. I'm the only one on the lease here so she can't legally stay if I ask her to leave AND she hasn't been living here.
There's hours of other details (like her offering to help me count the pills in the new bottle she just brought home from the pharmacy, 'accidentally' spilling the pills, leaving 2 on the floor, then trying to throw me off by 2 pills while I was counting and by distracting me and interrupting me while I was counting the pills - 2,4,6,8 and she's mumbling 4,6,8 10.. like she was trying to get me 2 pills off so she could keep the 2 she hid when she 'spilt' the bottle). Hours of other details. She's a pill, booze, and light (?) cocaine addict. I think coke is more her lightest addiction, but you never know with an addict. Anyway, after 6 years of this, calling off a divorce twice - once just 5 days before the court date - I ended up kicking her out today.
Where is my guilt? I swear to God, I'm guilt free. Don't care what happens to her. after 11 years. Have I finally hit my rock bottom of dealing with her addictive behavior? It's been NICE without the drama and fighting that comes with her here and either drunk or pilled out.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,391
I can guarantee you won't be lost in the static 
I was the alcoholic, but I think people get to a point where they're just exhausted.
I'm sorry for what brings you here but I guarantee you'll find support and understanding, both in this forum and our Friends and Family forums too
D
I was the alcoholic, but I think people get to a point where they're just exhausted.
I'm sorry for what brings you here but I guarantee you'll find support and understanding, both in this forum and our Friends and Family forums too
D
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Why feel guilty. You've done the right thing, and you have probably helped your wife into the bargain.
This is a disease you did not cause and cannot fix. It affects not only the alcoholic, but also the people around them, especially loved ones. There is no need to feel guilty.
This is a disease you did not cause and cannot fix. It affects not only the alcoholic, but also the people around them, especially loved ones. There is no need to feel guilty.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Welcome! Great to have you here. Your story hit home because I am the alcoholic pill popper in my story. I spent the month of July in inpatient rehab thinking about all the hurt and anguish I caused my husband with my use. I tore his life apart with my deception, lies and manipulative actions. If roles were reversed I would have left years ago because I don't have the strength he does. I am grateful that he supports me in my recovery. I am filled with remorse but I don't think I will ever be able to undo the damage I caused in our marriage.
When I was active in my use I would beg him to leave me in the grave that I had dug myself. He would be better off without me. I am lucky he stood by me and I will forever be thankful for that.
Maybe kicking your wife out will wake her up and make her realize what she has done. Maybe she will return to you someday clean and sober. It is completely understandable if you do not welcome her back.
Please use the Family forum for support. There are so many people here affected by drug and alcohol abuse. They can really help.
When I was active in my use I would beg him to leave me in the grave that I had dug myself. He would be better off without me. I am lucky he stood by me and I will forever be thankful for that.
Maybe kicking your wife out will wake her up and make her realize what she has done. Maybe she will return to you someday clean and sober. It is completely understandable if you do not welcome her back.
Please use the Family forum for support. There are so many people here affected by drug and alcohol abuse. They can really help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry for what brings you here, but glad that you have decided enough is enough. Definitely sounds like she was trying to secure herself a stash for later. You put a boundary in place and stuck to it. Nothing to feel guilty for at all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
Now sober, I in retrospect WOULD NOT blame my husband if he had done what you did. He did stand by me at a few attempts of sobriety where I relapsed, and then got back on the horse. We did have fights about it. This final time I've stayed sober for 18 months and it fills me with gratitude that he's still here. We were not in the same circumstances as you - every story is different. But I do know that he was in this marriage alone for a very long time.
No reason for you to feel guilt. If you are a special person, then you ought to wish her well as she exits the door, and hope that she sobers up and at least takes some responsibility and performs some amends to those kids. She has a long road ahead but it's not your road.
I really do suggest after all you've been through that you try al-anon. At the very least I think you will need to deal with some of the extremes of anger you must be feeling. Whether they like it or not, the spouses of alcoholics/addicts become part of the disease. Now's the time for you to shake that off. Stay strong.
No reason for you to feel guilt. If you are a special person, then you ought to wish her well as she exits the door, and hope that she sobers up and at least takes some responsibility and performs some amends to those kids. She has a long road ahead but it's not your road.
I really do suggest after all you've been through that you try al-anon. At the very least I think you will need to deal with some of the extremes of anger you must be feeling. Whether they like it or not, the spouses of alcoholics/addicts become part of the disease. Now's the time for you to shake that off. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 87
Addicts are sneaky, deceptive, and untrustworthy...I know because I am one. We do whatever we have to do for our next fix.
I can tell you this...she doesn't want to be this way. Nobody does. It's an awful existence. You have put up with it for a long time, so you have every right to kick her out. That being said, she is sick and needs professional help/rehab. Until she gets proper help it's probably a loosing battle.
I can tell you this...she doesn't want to be this way. Nobody does. It's an awful existence. You have put up with it for a long time, so you have every right to kick her out. That being said, she is sick and needs professional help/rehab. Until she gets proper help it's probably a loosing battle.
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
I don't think you should feel guilty as others have said. I'm grateful my husband has stayed with me and reading your story just made me feel all the more grateful. I hope your spouse can get some help before the pills and booze puts her in the grave. Peace and blessings to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Northwest
Posts: 274
I don't think you feel no guilt, as making this thread was probably partially initiated by your guilt. But you have no reason to feel guilty or not guilty you're a human there is no set way you are supposed to feel your emotions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 2
Thank you all for the kind replies. God/Allah/The Goddess/your higher power bless all of you.
The lack of guilt got more solid today. She's been on my insurance since we tried the reconciliation.
History:
About 5 days before she actually moved in, she came over and spent the night. She showed up either drunk or pilled out. I then, on move in day, told her she could not move in b/c she had come over loaded. She left. After she left, I was left for about 30 minutes asking myself what I'd think of when I looked back on that day in 15 years (she will likely be dead in 5 from stage 3 cervical cancer, but she has a 30-45% chance of living past 5 years and then up to old age). I realized then that I'd be wondering "What could have been?" So that's why I let her move back in.
What followed was a real manifestation of the way that addicts tend to demonize their sig. others. I pulled this from a wellness web site and it accurately describes how I believe the marriage went from great to awful:
The best sentence is: "This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most." I've been saying for years that what I think happened is:
1. Spouse starts complaining about drinking.
2. Addict starts to justify and sees spouse's faults and attacks them in defense of the addiction.
3. Void left in relationship as these attacks become more pronounced as the addiction progresses.
I have even less guilt. I thought about it yesterday and realized that I can't keep her on my insurance, got a new policy, can't risk her destroying the jointly registered "Him *or* her" vehicle in yet another DUI. So I traded it in and bought a new car in my name only... She was quite angry when she found out and made some rather serious threats (she's a coke head I strongly suspect b/c of the $1000 / month leak in our finances over the past 12 months that mysteriously got closed when she was cut off of the bank account). So... she threatened, "to get me" and was up in my face yelling, 'shoulder bumping' me when she was passing by as I was unloading groceries and she was collecting items to take with her.
At this point, tomorrow am, I talk to the divorce lawyer for the 3rd freaking time I'm filing for divorce. She's been able to talk me out of it twice before, costing me thousands of dollars. Not this time. She left with the youngest of our 5 kids (Street Attorneys: without a court order, your separated spouse can take the kids to China without your permission, its all legal). I told her today that I won't open the door if she shows up without cops here b/c frankly I am honestly scared she's going to do one of the following:
1. Leave drugs in the house (cocaine) and call the cops and the SS about it.
2. Start a physical confrontation and get me nailed for battery (he said, she said, she is believed first by most cops)
3. kill me... It'd clear up a lot of problems and net her $70k in life insurance. Granted, she'd be suspect #1 too but its easier to get away with murder than Investigation Discovery makes it seem. "He attacked me, I had to stab him to defend myself." "He just came at me, we struggled on the floor for a moment and then I stabbed him with the knife he had laying on the floor - he keeps a cluttered house so no I don't know why it was on the floor."
She's asked me to 'have the kids ready' at 4 am (why 4 am???? no witnesses?) for her to pick up. That's not happening either but it really makes me paranoid and scared of what she may choose to do.
She's had me at gun point before in the past too... long story there but she threatened to kill me and then turned the gun on herself once, squeezing the trigger with the safety off.
What a mess.
(street attorneys: take note, cops here in Huntsville, AL don't do *anything* but tickets for speeding. They wouldn't give 2 pigeon poops about the heresay of the above story which is another case of 'he said' 'she said' so spare me the 'call the cops and tell them' story.)
The lack of guilt got more solid today. She's been on my insurance since we tried the reconciliation.
History:
About 5 days before she actually moved in, she came over and spent the night. She showed up either drunk or pilled out. I then, on move in day, told her she could not move in b/c she had come over loaded. She left. After she left, I was left for about 30 minutes asking myself what I'd think of when I looked back on that day in 15 years (she will likely be dead in 5 from stage 3 cervical cancer, but she has a 30-45% chance of living past 5 years and then up to old age). I realized then that I'd be wondering "What could have been?" So that's why I let her move back in.
What followed was a real manifestation of the way that addicts tend to demonize their sig. others. I pulled this from a wellness web site and it accurately describes how I believe the marriage went from great to awful:
Code:
Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, youÇll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "IÇm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!
1. Spouse starts complaining about drinking.
2. Addict starts to justify and sees spouse's faults and attacks them in defense of the addiction.
3. Void left in relationship as these attacks become more pronounced as the addiction progresses.
I have even less guilt. I thought about it yesterday and realized that I can't keep her on my insurance, got a new policy, can't risk her destroying the jointly registered "Him *or* her" vehicle in yet another DUI. So I traded it in and bought a new car in my name only... She was quite angry when she found out and made some rather serious threats (she's a coke head I strongly suspect b/c of the $1000 / month leak in our finances over the past 12 months that mysteriously got closed when she was cut off of the bank account). So... she threatened, "to get me" and was up in my face yelling, 'shoulder bumping' me when she was passing by as I was unloading groceries and she was collecting items to take with her.
At this point, tomorrow am, I talk to the divorce lawyer for the 3rd freaking time I'm filing for divorce. She's been able to talk me out of it twice before, costing me thousands of dollars. Not this time. She left with the youngest of our 5 kids (Street Attorneys: without a court order, your separated spouse can take the kids to China without your permission, its all legal). I told her today that I won't open the door if she shows up without cops here b/c frankly I am honestly scared she's going to do one of the following:
1. Leave drugs in the house (cocaine) and call the cops and the SS about it.
2. Start a physical confrontation and get me nailed for battery (he said, she said, she is believed first by most cops)
3. kill me... It'd clear up a lot of problems and net her $70k in life insurance. Granted, she'd be suspect #1 too but its easier to get away with murder than Investigation Discovery makes it seem. "He attacked me, I had to stab him to defend myself." "He just came at me, we struggled on the floor for a moment and then I stabbed him with the knife he had laying on the floor - he keeps a cluttered house so no I don't know why it was on the floor."
She's asked me to 'have the kids ready' at 4 am (why 4 am???? no witnesses?) for her to pick up. That's not happening either but it really makes me paranoid and scared of what she may choose to do.
She's had me at gun point before in the past too... long story there but she threatened to kill me and then turned the gun on herself once, squeezing the trigger with the safety off.
What a mess.
(street attorneys: take note, cops here in Huntsville, AL don't do *anything* but tickets for speeding. They wouldn't give 2 pigeon poops about the heresay of the above story which is another case of 'he said' 'she said' so spare me the 'call the cops and tell them' story.)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Dallas Texas
Posts: 579
It's a mess alright. She sounds dangerous. She doesn't give a hint at sobering up. Crazy to think with all her addictions she could raise children. Who bails her out and pays when she gets a DUI? If she's already had a few one more would help her sober up and give you months of breathing space, maybe a year or two. Police arrest DUI's all the time on anonymous tips. Hell, it might even be good for her. Maybe you'll find better advise from someone else, I'm still working on being a better person.
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