Why???!!!?!!!

Old 08-01-2016, 07:56 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 13
Why???!!!?!!!

It's been a week since my husband has been home and when he was here he slept frm like 10am to 9pm straight thru, woke up at 9pm & left again. I'm so frustrated because I have a feeling it maybe he's using crack again but I'm not totally sure. He says he stays away bcuz "there's no peace at home" but it's no peace bcuz he keeps staying out all night & he never has time for me or our 8 month old daughter. He always has to be with his friend (who I found out sells crack). The last time we had an argument I asked him was he coming home that night and his response was "he didn't know"! How the fck don't u know?! I was furious so I ended up asking for the keys to the house since he doesn't use them anyway! So his sister told me he said "he's not staying nowhere where he keeps getting put out" Once again I'm the blame! He acts like I'm supposed to be ok with him coming and going when he pleases. It hurts so bad waking up each morning and he's not here with us.How can u keep staying away from your family to be around another grown man allday and night long?! I've asked him to do things like let's take the baby to the zoo, he won't have time for that but he'll have time to do anything his friend needs him to do! Is he on drugs again? I'm so hurt and confused! He doesn't call or come home or nothing! Did I do something that bad to deserve this? Our daughter too?! HELP
Jk1986 is offline  
Old 08-01-2016, 08:31 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
1) He's on drugs again.
2)There is nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, are or aren't that caused him to be addicted. All his blaming you does is give him justification to keep using.

Do you have family or friends who can help you?

I'm so sorry.

P.S. His sister is enabling him killing himself, no matter what she says.
Ariesagain is offline  
Old 08-01-2016, 08:32 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
cece1960's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
((JK)))
You did nothing to deserves this, and certainly not you daughter. It certainly sounds like your husband is indulging in the crack world.
But, does it matter? HIs behavior is unacceptable on any and all levels, regardless of the reason.
So, what happens next? There's nothing you can do about his actions. But, you can protect yourself and your child. Do you have the means for housing, food, and care for the baby?
cece1960 is offline  
Old 08-01-2016, 08:49 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by cece1960 View Post
((JK)))
You did nothing to deserves this, and certainly not you daughter. It certainly sounds like your husband is indulging in the crack world.
But, does it matter? HIs behavior is unacceptable on any and all levels, regardless of the reason.
So, what happens next? There's nothing you can do about his actions. But, you can protect yourself and your child. Do you have the means for housing, food, and care for the baby?
1st, Thanks for replying! And yes we are staying in my parent's building rent free! I work, he doesn't. He went to a job fair I registered him for with my job last week (which surprised be & confused me even more bcuz I'm thinking maybe he isn't using since he actually went to the job fair...I knw stupid thinking) We have so much support and all he has to do is be there for our child but he doesn't!
Jk1986 is offline  
Old 08-01-2016, 08:59 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
He is on drugs. Stop trying to rationalize his behavior, you won't be able to.

You did not cause it, you cannot change it, you cannot cure it.

Hugs.
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 08-01-2016, 09:00 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
all he has to do is be there for our child but he doesn't!
That's not a simple request for an addict, unfortunately.
I think you need to trust your gut, from your post, it sounds like your gut is screaming to you that this is bad, that he is still using. Like the above poster said, even if he is not, what he is/is not doing is not acceptable and it is putting YOU into a bad place.
You setting up the job fair.... If it was important to him to work, He would be LOOKING for a job, not placating you by going to something you set up.
From what you said, he's twisting things to justify his behavior, manipulating you.
Everyone has their limits. I can tell you from getting out of a bad marriage many years ago, with a child, It was FAR better to rely on myself than to hope and beg for help from someone who was not willing to/able to give it. Far less disappointment and anger.
Keep talking about it, I swear it helps. Trust your gut. Too often we don't.
Sephra is offline  
Old 08-02-2016, 05:39 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Did I do something that bad to deserve this? Our daughter too?!

think this thru....what on earth could an 8 month old infant have done to "deserve" this??????? your mind is grasping at straws to avoid looking at the cold hard truth........this man is not interested in being a partner or a parent. he has nothing to offer, contributes nothing, and takes his leave whenever it suits him.

and honey, you can't change any of that. YES he's using. i posed this before, even if you take drugs out of the equation, is his behavior in ANY way acceptable?

let his sister "keep" him. she seems to know it all. well good for her.

you need to take every precaution to keep yourself, your finances, your belongings and your daughter safe.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 08-02-2016, 06:20 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
JK, it sounds like he has checked out of family and marriage and is just living selfishly for himself. It's completely outrageous, especially as you seem to be supporting him as well.

Make some plans for managing on your own. You're doing it now, but because your AH and you are still together you have these (reasonable) expectations that he will behave like a decent person you're getting more and more upset. I'm upset for you too!

If you accept that he's left your marriage, and change the locks, at least you won't be being let down all the time. Lower your expectations. Put on your big girl pants and make financial and other plans for managing your life without this leech.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 08-02-2016, 06:38 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
jk...

I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting. Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm thankful that you took that all important step to post.

It's very important that you understand that someone in active addiction is experiencing a chemically induced form of narcissism. When someone is in that kind of state, spouses and children don't matter. Nothing matters, except scoring the next fix and experiencing the next high. That, in a nutshell, is why your AH hasn't come home. His priority is not you, nor your daughter.

The hardest thing you'll have to accept is this situation is unfixable. There is literally nothing you can do to turn this around. And while I understand that you want to somehow, through the grace of God, save the marriage, you have to begin the process of accepting that may not be possible.

I will leave you with this, though. You do not need permission to do what is best for you or your daughter. What's best for you may not necessarily be what you want, but that should not preclude you from doing what you have to do.

Keep us posted, be safe, take care of your daughter, and again, Welcome to the Board.
zoso77 is offline  
Old 08-02-2016, 11:26 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am so sorry for your pain. Oh how I remember asking "why" so well. Sweetie, there is a much better life out there, free from addiction, insanity and hurt. You're so caught up in it that you can not see the forest thru the trees. We become so confused and cannot see the truth before our very eyes.

As painful as this, please try to understand that all your husband cares about is getting high. His brain has been hijacked. You cannot apply logic to addiction. For most of us, we will never understand the insanity of it all. And it would take many, many months, if not years, of very hard work for your husbands's brain to heal! Sadly, very few crack addicts break free from the hold it has on them.

Please start taking care of you and keep your previous baby safe.
LoveMeNow is offline  
Old 08-13-2016, 07:29 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I second everyone - he is most definitely on drugs, and you have not done anything to cause it, and you cannot cure it.

Take care of yourself and your baby, and dump that leech.
Nata1980 is offline  
Old 08-14-2016, 12:32 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 91
I have dealt with a loved one on crack and it was a nightmare. The drug will rewire their brain until all that matters in their life is the next fix. He is not going to be rational or responsible while using that poison. Protect yourself and your child. Keep posting and huge hugs!
Sissyfuss is offline  
Old 08-14-2016, 04:32 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
peacelovesober's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
jk...


The hardest thing you'll have to accept is this situation is unfixable. There is literally nothing you can do to turn this around. And while I understand that you want to somehow, through the grace of God, save the marriage, you have to begin the process of accepting that may not be possible.

I will leave you with this, though. You do not need permission to do what is best for you or your daughter. What's best for you may not necessarily be what you want, but that should not preclude you from doing what you have to do.
.
Zoso I am quoting because you put it into words. Logic and the behavior of an addict do not go hand in hand. We (meaning the loved ones of the addict) tend to want to pick up their cross and carry it. But in the end they are responsible for what they do. They are the ones that are participating in the chaos and there is never a why other than addiction.

I am not there, but I can say this for sure. Staying asleep for days at a time, gone for days at a time, and not having regard or concern to phone or text is surely a surefire sign of drug use. I cant advise you on what to do or what not to do about him but I know first had that you must take care of you.

The life and downward spiral of loving an addict takes a toll on us and you have to think of you. As much as you can remember that he is choosing this life, and you must live yours as well. Take care of you, even if its just a bath or great song or whatever you enjoy for five minutes. The repeat of the worry tape that we play never does much good.

Keep posting and know that you are not alone.
peacelovesober is offline  
Old 08-14-2016, 05:42 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,885
JK welcome and please keep coming back! What you are going through is no joke. This is tough, tough stuff! He is doing what addicts do. Please protect yourself and your beautiful child.

Let us know how you are doing!
Bekindalways is offline  
Old 08-15-2016, 04:00 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Richmond, Virginia
Posts: 18
My AH who is currently sober (I hope) would have the same patterns of behavior. When I asked him "why he was doing this to me" he replied "it's not about you, my using has nothing to do with you" and that's when I started to realize that i needed to move forward. I started reading everything I could get my hands on. Codependent no more was my power book. It opened my eyes a lot.
whyme1975 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:11 PM.