Realisation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 18
Realisation
Hi guys.
I've been posting every now and then since November in the family and friends section regarding my alcoholic wife. The replies have made me realise that because I have joined in with her drinking for so long, I now have an alcohol dependency.
I don't want an alcohol dependency. I've always enjoyed drinking socially, but over the past 6 years since I met my wife - I've gone from not even having alcohol in the house to drinking at least 2 bottles of wine a night. I never even liked wine.
I've joined in with her to make her happy, and by the time I figured out she was an alcoholic, it's obviously too late for me.
I want to be sober but I need help saying no when she asks me to drink with her because the house is a very bad place when I say no, so I always give in to keep the peace. Now I know I also give in because my body wants the drink and I don't want this anymore.
Thanks, Raheem.
I've been posting every now and then since November in the family and friends section regarding my alcoholic wife. The replies have made me realise that because I have joined in with her drinking for so long, I now have an alcohol dependency.
I don't want an alcohol dependency. I've always enjoyed drinking socially, but over the past 6 years since I met my wife - I've gone from not even having alcohol in the house to drinking at least 2 bottles of wine a night. I never even liked wine.
I've joined in with her to make her happy, and by the time I figured out she was an alcoholic, it's obviously too late for me.
I want to be sober but I need help saying no when she asks me to drink with her because the house is a very bad place when I say no, so I always give in to keep the peace. Now I know I also give in because my body wants the drink and I don't want this anymore.
Thanks, Raheem.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
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Let me ask you a tough question. In your post you seem to be placing the blame for your alcoholism solely on your wife's shoulders. Do you believe you went from no drinking to drinking 2 bottles a night because you were forced to because she kept it in the house, drank in front of you, and caused you grief if you didn't do it with her?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Thanks for your replies.
Now that I've realised the truth about myself, I'm not drinking any more so I thought that this would be the best place to post, if not then please direct me to the correct forum of that's OK.
I was putting all of the blame on my wife. I wasn't addicted before I met her but now I clearly am. I now know that that is bull. Yes, she gives me a load of grief if I don't drink with her and pressures me into it, but I should have been strong enough myself to not let it get this far. I admit and know that this is my fault.
Now that I've realised the truth about myself, I'm not drinking any more so I thought that this would be the best place to post, if not then please direct me to the correct forum of that's OK.
I was putting all of the blame on my wife. I wasn't addicted before I met her but now I clearly am. I now know that that is bull. Yes, she gives me a load of grief if I don't drink with her and pressures me into it, but I should have been strong enough myself to not let it get this far. I admit and know that this is my fault.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Hi raheem, I know how you feel, because thats how I slipped into alcohol dependancy. I was a social drinker, then started living with a man who later died from alcoholism.
He would have a bottle of wine waiting for me every night when I finished work.
Before I knew it, it was a daily habit. Really, I didn't give it a second thought that I was slipping into dependancy.
Everybody assumes because you develop an alcohol problem, you must have "deep unresolved emotional issues" and I didn't. It was a habit that I repeated so often, it became an addiction. I am of the school of thought, that alcohol is addictive to everyone if they drink enough of it, often enough, for long enough.
It's good you have recognised this in yourself.
You only have 2 choices, either risk putting her in a huff by saying no, or slip further and further into the dependancy. It took me years to realise I had a problem, and it's taken me years to do something about it.
I know I wish I'd told my boyfriend where to shove his drink, before I became dependant, all those years ago
Good luck
He would have a bottle of wine waiting for me every night when I finished work.
Before I knew it, it was a daily habit. Really, I didn't give it a second thought that I was slipping into dependancy.
Everybody assumes because you develop an alcohol problem, you must have "deep unresolved emotional issues" and I didn't. It was a habit that I repeated so often, it became an addiction. I am of the school of thought, that alcohol is addictive to everyone if they drink enough of it, often enough, for long enough.
It's good you have recognised this in yourself.
You only have 2 choices, either risk putting her in a huff by saying no, or slip further and further into the dependancy. It took me years to realise I had a problem, and it's taken me years to do something about it.
I know I wish I'd told my boyfriend where to shove his drink, before I became dependant, all those years ago
Good luck
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Raheem....
Your post struck me because my boyfriend had a very similar dynamic with his ex-wife. He and I went to high school together and reconnected out of the blue recently. Way back when, he has realized he had alcoholic tendencies; he has fully admitted he is an alcoholic now. The process of getting to this point took rigorous honesty (as they say in AA) about HIS choices and the progress of his disease. Her decision to keep drinking vs his to stop was one (of several major) reason(s) that their marriage did not work. But he had to choose sobriety for himself and then accept the decisions and consequences that followed.
Like me, he has established a program that is working for his recovery. Mine is AA based with spiritual, devotional and self-growth work added to it. He does not attend AA meetings but is working the steps with his counselor, and has the same additional daily work as I do. We are working it together.
All that is said to encourage you to develop your OWN program. You want to stop drinking; you CAN, and you can do it regardless of what your wife decides. Easy? No way. And you will face questions, many questions, about your life, choices and indeed marriage, if you decide to choose sobriety.
I would strongly suggest you develop a plan, and begin it. How you work her into it and work your plan AROUND her will be up to you.
Good luck.
Your post struck me because my boyfriend had a very similar dynamic with his ex-wife. He and I went to high school together and reconnected out of the blue recently. Way back when, he has realized he had alcoholic tendencies; he has fully admitted he is an alcoholic now. The process of getting to this point took rigorous honesty (as they say in AA) about HIS choices and the progress of his disease. Her decision to keep drinking vs his to stop was one (of several major) reason(s) that their marriage did not work. But he had to choose sobriety for himself and then accept the decisions and consequences that followed.
Like me, he has established a program that is working for his recovery. Mine is AA based with spiritual, devotional and self-growth work added to it. He does not attend AA meetings but is working the steps with his counselor, and has the same additional daily work as I do. We are working it together.
All that is said to encourage you to develop your OWN program. You want to stop drinking; you CAN, and you can do it regardless of what your wife decides. Easy? No way. And you will face questions, many questions, about your life, choices and indeed marriage, if you decide to choose sobriety.
I would strongly suggest you develop a plan, and begin it. How you work her into it and work your plan AROUND her will be up to you.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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earthsteps, I'd rather be put on the spot, I literally have no-one in the world that I would feel comfortable talking to about this so it's good to get it all out there.
fripfrop, that is indeed very true in my situation. I have just drank so much, so often that my body needs it. The only thing is, I don't want it. I told my wife last night to stop asking me if I wanted to drink because my body feels like it can't say no. That was a bad mistake - she looked quite gleeful which makes me think she must know she has a problem (although has never admitted it) and is chuffed I'm along for the ride.
August, thank you for your message also. I want sobriety and I know deep down that it will affect my marriage and probably end it. I had planned on leaving when my youngest turned 18 so that I could make sure he was safe and so that she couldn't use my kids as weapons if things turned nasty, but I shouldn't have to wait that long. If she wants to end things because I stop drinking then that is out of my hands, I can't put up with this for another 14 years.
I'm going to start a plan and make my first stand against booze today.
fripfrop, that is indeed very true in my situation. I have just drank so much, so often that my body needs it. The only thing is, I don't want it. I told my wife last night to stop asking me if I wanted to drink because my body feels like it can't say no. That was a bad mistake - she looked quite gleeful which makes me think she must know she has a problem (although has never admitted it) and is chuffed I'm along for the ride.
August, thank you for your message also. I want sobriety and I know deep down that it will affect my marriage and probably end it. I had planned on leaving when my youngest turned 18 so that I could make sure he was safe and so that she couldn't use my kids as weapons if things turned nasty, but I shouldn't have to wait that long. If she wants to end things because I stop drinking then that is out of my hands, I can't put up with this for another 14 years.
I'm going to start a plan and make my first stand against booze today.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Originally Posted by raheem 
fripfrop, that is indeed very true in my situation. I have just drank so much, so often that my body needs it. The only thing is, I don't want it. I told my wife last night to stop asking me if I wanted to drink because my body feels like it can't say no. That was a bad mistake - she looked quite gleeful which makes me think she must know she has a problem (although has never admitted it) and is chuffed I'm along for the ride.
After all the years of misery that my drinking has caused me, if I could go back, knowing what I know now, I would know that no relationship is worth that, not that I did it to keep him happy, I enjoyed the feeling myself when I first started
And no drug, even in liquid form, like alcohol, is harmless.
And no fleeting feeling of euphoria is worth it either
You have a chance to dry out and get out, before you waste nearly 2 decades like I did!
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Hi and welcome to this side of the forum Raheem
I think support is key so I'm glad you joined us. Dealing with a drinking spouse is tough - especially when you were her drinking partner - but it's not a dealbreaker. Lots of members have such a dynamic and have made their recovery work
Prepare yourself initially because your wife is likely to be quite upset at 'losing' her drinking buddy.
You are doing the right thing for yourself tho and maybe, in time, your wife may follow your lead?
D
I think support is key so I'm glad you joined us. Dealing with a drinking spouse is tough - especially when you were her drinking partner - but it's not a dealbreaker. Lots of members have such a dynamic and have made their recovery work
Prepare yourself initially because your wife is likely to be quite upset at 'losing' her drinking buddy.
You are doing the right thing for yourself tho and maybe, in time, your wife may follow your lead?
D
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Thanks very much everyone.
3rd day and feeling really bored despite keeping myself busy. Quite fancy a drink and keep thinking what harm will one night off do. Going to keep focus and get passed it though and see if that feeling's still there tomorrow.
3rd day and feeling really bored despite keeping myself busy. Quite fancy a drink and keep thinking what harm will one night off do. Going to keep focus and get passed it though and see if that feeling's still there tomorrow.
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One night off can most certainly harm you because one will only lead to more and more until you end up in a bender leading to a complete relapse. You don't want another day 1 do you?
You know what helps? Putting the tape recorder on in your head and rewinding it to remember all of the harm caused by your drinking. Then you can fast forward the tape to see your future in sobriety. Try it.
You know what helps? Putting the tape recorder on in your head and rewinding it to remember all of the harm caused by your drinking. Then you can fast forward the tape to see your future in sobriety. Try it.
Originally Posted by raheem
Thanks very much everyone.
3rd day and feeling really bored despite keeping myself busy. Quite fancy a drink and keep thinking what harm will one night off do. Going to keep focus and get passed it though and see if that feeling's still there tomorrow.
3rd day and feeling really bored despite keeping myself busy. Quite fancy a drink and keep thinking what harm will one night off do. Going to keep focus and get passed it though and see if that feeling's still there tomorrow.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Originally Posted by raheem
Thanks very much everyone.
3rd day and feeling really bored despite keeping myself busy. Quite fancy a drink and keep thinking what harm will one night off do. Going to keep focus and get passed it though and see if that feeling's still there tomorrow.
3rd day and feeling really bored despite keeping myself busy. Quite fancy a drink and keep thinking what harm will one night off do. Going to keep focus and get passed it though and see if that feeling's still there tomorrow.
Don't believe the AV. It is a known liar and seeks to destroy you. Whenever you hear "Just one, it's okay," remember who it is that is talking. And it's not you.
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Thanks very much for your advice. The AV is telling me I have never had s problem and I've over reacted even coming to this forum, so I have rewound some life moments in my head.
The frustration of drinking for 6 months every night without a break and not being able to say no, the arguments that I never accepted as being even partly to blame for, full days wasted hungover, having an epileptic seizure that might have been brought on by the booze, cheating, making a fool of myself, etc. Yeah, I was definitely in denial. I need to listen to my own voice.
The frustration of drinking for 6 months every night without a break and not being able to say no, the arguments that I never accepted as being even partly to blame for, full days wasted hungover, having an epileptic seizure that might have been brought on by the booze, cheating, making a fool of myself, etc. Yeah, I was definitely in denial. I need to listen to my own voice.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 123
Commit to 30 days, no more, no less, no exceptions. Not as scary as "forever," long enough to create a new habit, and enough space to give you some clarity.
It's just 30 days. Normal people go without drinking for 30 days, 90 days, whatever, all the time. They don't even think about it. It's no big deal! Again I promise you that you will have some amazing clarity & perspective by the 3rd week, if not sooner.
It's just 30 days. Normal people go without drinking for 30 days, 90 days, whatever, all the time. They don't even think about it. It's no big deal!
Again I promise you that you will have some amazing clarity & perspective by the 3rd week, if not sooner.
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Welcome Raheem,
Glad you decided to post! Just wanted to let you know it is possible to stay sober with a drinking spouse. It makes things a little more difficult in the beginning, but you can do it. My husband still drinks beer every night, and though I would like him to stop drinking as well, it hasn't tempted me at all. I was a wine drinker, so I gave away most of the wine/champagne we had. Any remaining bottles are waiting to be gifted to someone at a Future date!
Glad you are here!!
Glad you decided to post! Just wanted to let you know it is possible to stay sober with a drinking spouse. It makes things a little more difficult in the beginning, but you can do it. My husband still drinks beer every night, and though I would like him to stop drinking as well, it hasn't tempted me at all. I was a wine drinker, so I gave away most of the wine/champagne we had. Any remaining bottles are waiting to be gifted to someone at a Future date!
Glad you are here!!
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Originally Posted by earthsteps
You know what helps? Putting the tape recorder on in your head and rewinding it to remember all of the harm caused by your drinking. Then you can fast forward the tape to see your future in sobriety. Try it.
This is a great tool if you can get in the habit of thinking this way. If you are a make notes kind of person (I am) then making yourself write out a short version of this tape might help. Seeing that is a big "whoa!"
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
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I have a good tool to use if I ever get triggered to drink. My husband's cell phone. It has video evidence of what could possibly happen if drank again.
Originally Posted by August252015
At almost 6 months, I still get a little shiver when I think about doing any of the behaviors I did or getting into any of the situations I did when drinking. I don't think about the act of drinking so much as I do what would follow. No, no, no, thank you.
This is a great tool if you can get in the habit of thinking this way. If you are a make notes kind of person (I am) then making yourself write out a short version of this tape might help. Seeing that is a big "whoa!"
This is a great tool if you can get in the habit of thinking this way. If you are a make notes kind of person (I am) then making yourself write out a short version of this tape might help. Seeing that is a big "whoa!"
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I've been in exactly the same place in terms of trying to stop and running into issues with my wife (I actually have a thread somewhere on it). We were both well into alcohol when we met and it was a common thread in our lives. I can tell you it isn't easy. She kept seeing it as a rejection of not only the alcohol but of her. Not only that, my trying to stop was interpreted as an indictment of her.
It slowly worked out by starting with non-alcoholic activities that she loved, even if I hated. Gotta pay the price. We slowly went from there.
One word of warning, it is no use putting in the time to get sober and at the same time stay with your wife if at the end of it you end up rejecting her because her life is incompatible with yours. If my wife hadn't slowed down and kept it out of the house and only with her friends, i.e. not me, I don't think our relationship would have survived.
Someone earlier in the thread said acceptance was an important first step. At some point, so is surrender (in terms of non-attachment).
I hope you find something useful in my story.
KP
It slowly worked out by starting with non-alcoholic activities that she loved, even if I hated. Gotta pay the price. We slowly went from there.
One word of warning, it is no use putting in the time to get sober and at the same time stay with your wife if at the end of it you end up rejecting her because her life is incompatible with yours. If my wife hadn't slowed down and kept it out of the house and only with her friends, i.e. not me, I don't think our relationship would have survived.
Someone earlier in the thread said acceptance was an important first step. At some point, so is surrender (in terms of non-attachment).
I hope you find something useful in my story.
KP
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