Feeling Sorry for Myself
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Feeling Sorry for Myself
Feeling sorry for myself today and I don't know why.
I'm doing pretty good at keeping busy. In fact, there are not enough hours in the day to occupy everything that I want to get done. I always have to end up "calling it a day" and picking up when I next have time. I eat (not always well, but at least eat) and exercise in the gym daily. I have a nice support system of family, friends and neighbors, not to mention you fine folks here 24/7. Though the loneliness does creep back in and when it does I do find myself a bit down in the dumps.
I have many things to be thankful for - A good job, wonderful home, decent enough financial stability, my health...many blessings. Yet there still remains this gaping hole and sense of loss when I think of my girlfriend and dog just a few miles away.
Things have been just about as cordial and cooperative as they can be over the past month. She left without much fuss (though if you look back on my threads, there were some sad moments and certainly open windows left for me to call it off and tell her to stay). My resolve was strong then, and remains strong now.
I cannot have active alcoholism under my roof and in my life any longer or ever again. It was just too stressful and too hard on my soul. I lived with it so long and tried so many tactics -- Talking about it, not talking about it, caring for it, scolding it, leaving it, inviting it back -- The alcoholism just won out in the end, every single time.
Aside: My ex has been texting randomly out of the blue over the past month, about various things -- Mostly about how the dog is doing, or to share a dog photo (we raised her together after all, that's our "kid"). To tell me that she knows I am going to make someone happy and that she's sorry it wasn't her. To tell me she went on a disastrous online date and that it was awful. To ask me how I'm doing (my answer: good days, bad days. her answer: the same). To figure out some final decisions on furniture she bought (I offered to buy it from her at a fair price, she needs the $$ and I need the furniture or to replace it anyway). Every exchange -- Kind, peaceful, normal. to the point. Like two friends cooperating.
Yet at the end of the day, despite how cordial things are, none of this fills the hole that they left behind for me when they moved out a month ago. I find myself saddened by the fact that none of these texted or spoken words are - "I am giving up drinking because I see what it has done to my life." Or even, in these moments where I think she's looking back on us, not even a "I want to quit drinking and recover because I believe in us and that our love is worth fighting for." Nothing like that ever spoken, even texted, even written, ever hinted at.
It's as if my resolve to not have active alcoholism in my life is JUST as strong as her resolve to not want to give up alcohol. It's probably just that simple.
Has anyone else ever encountered a person who can't seem to have any sort of meaningful or serious talk using verbal communication, but takes it to text? Over the years, this has happened over and over with my ex. We have a problem or issue, usually about drinking, I try and sit down to talk to her about it, she has few or no words, and then proceeds to try and pick up the conversation via text message later on or the next day, where she can go into more expressive feelings. Text message? What causes that? I feel like I could never have a serious sit down conversation about us of any substance, but if I wanted to do it through text messaging, she was all for it.
I digress. As usual.
All in all, I guess today I am just feeling sad for myself because I feel such a void where they used to be in my life. I have seen so many varieties of this dynamic as I read around these forums and while there are similarities, I guess no two situations are ever identical. She again apologized for taking so long to get her remaining items out, she needs to borrow a larger car to do so next week. I know many of you may say she was dragging her feet, but trust me when I say, 90% of her stuff is out and she hasn't even once hinted or shown any interest in coming back. Unless perhaps she is holding out hope that my resolve drops and I accept her and her alcohol back through the door. It's something I just cannot do. Her best friend, booze, has just worn out its welcome at my home.
I haven't gone to any great lengths to block her texts or phone calls and I don't know if I'll ever have to. It's not like her texts or contact is triggering in any way that her not being here is triggering. I expect a lot of them may come when she has her sad lonely moments, too. Had she found that magical right guy to replace me, that would stop and she would switch her focus onto him.
The sadness/lonely triggers happen at random and out of nowhere when I least expect it.
I will say it's nice to hear the dog is doing well though I do miss her cuddles and puppy licks and love. It's nice to not have to question alcohol anymore because we just don't talk about it. It's like the elephant in the room that's there and we just ignore now. When we talk, or when I see her, not one mention of drinking from either of us. I assume if she had stopped, or was trying, she'd have said something. So I guess I have to assume it's just moving on just as I was before I left, or progressing. I know, focus on me, not her. Trying, trying.
I realize that eventually someday I will break free of these feelings and the sadness will left permanently. I know I can't control that any more than I could control her drinking here or after she left, and that is just the plain truth. I imagine her life has the same moments of "it'll be okay" mixed with the empty, sorrowful ones (she commented on how weird and quiet things were at her place, just like I feel it is here) -- We are two people who love one another who had to split up because of alcohol being in this world and that just sucks, sucks, sucks. And that's the simplest way to put it I guess. No fighting, abuse, violence, cheating -- Just alcohol tearing us down and breaking us apart.
Sigh!
I'm doing pretty good at keeping busy. In fact, there are not enough hours in the day to occupy everything that I want to get done. I always have to end up "calling it a day" and picking up when I next have time. I eat (not always well, but at least eat) and exercise in the gym daily. I have a nice support system of family, friends and neighbors, not to mention you fine folks here 24/7. Though the loneliness does creep back in and when it does I do find myself a bit down in the dumps.
I have many things to be thankful for - A good job, wonderful home, decent enough financial stability, my health...many blessings. Yet there still remains this gaping hole and sense of loss when I think of my girlfriend and dog just a few miles away.
Things have been just about as cordial and cooperative as they can be over the past month. She left without much fuss (though if you look back on my threads, there were some sad moments and certainly open windows left for me to call it off and tell her to stay). My resolve was strong then, and remains strong now.
I cannot have active alcoholism under my roof and in my life any longer or ever again. It was just too stressful and too hard on my soul. I lived with it so long and tried so many tactics -- Talking about it, not talking about it, caring for it, scolding it, leaving it, inviting it back -- The alcoholism just won out in the end, every single time.
Aside: My ex has been texting randomly out of the blue over the past month, about various things -- Mostly about how the dog is doing, or to share a dog photo (we raised her together after all, that's our "kid"). To tell me that she knows I am going to make someone happy and that she's sorry it wasn't her. To tell me she went on a disastrous online date and that it was awful. To ask me how I'm doing (my answer: good days, bad days. her answer: the same). To figure out some final decisions on furniture she bought (I offered to buy it from her at a fair price, she needs the $$ and I need the furniture or to replace it anyway). Every exchange -- Kind, peaceful, normal. to the point. Like two friends cooperating.
Yet at the end of the day, despite how cordial things are, none of this fills the hole that they left behind for me when they moved out a month ago. I find myself saddened by the fact that none of these texted or spoken words are - "I am giving up drinking because I see what it has done to my life." Or even, in these moments where I think she's looking back on us, not even a "I want to quit drinking and recover because I believe in us and that our love is worth fighting for." Nothing like that ever spoken, even texted, even written, ever hinted at.
It's as if my resolve to not have active alcoholism in my life is JUST as strong as her resolve to not want to give up alcohol. It's probably just that simple.
Has anyone else ever encountered a person who can't seem to have any sort of meaningful or serious talk using verbal communication, but takes it to text? Over the years, this has happened over and over with my ex. We have a problem or issue, usually about drinking, I try and sit down to talk to her about it, she has few or no words, and then proceeds to try and pick up the conversation via text message later on or the next day, where she can go into more expressive feelings. Text message? What causes that? I feel like I could never have a serious sit down conversation about us of any substance, but if I wanted to do it through text messaging, she was all for it.
I digress. As usual.
All in all, I guess today I am just feeling sad for myself because I feel such a void where they used to be in my life. I have seen so many varieties of this dynamic as I read around these forums and while there are similarities, I guess no two situations are ever identical. She again apologized for taking so long to get her remaining items out, she needs to borrow a larger car to do so next week. I know many of you may say she was dragging her feet, but trust me when I say, 90% of her stuff is out and she hasn't even once hinted or shown any interest in coming back. Unless perhaps she is holding out hope that my resolve drops and I accept her and her alcohol back through the door. It's something I just cannot do. Her best friend, booze, has just worn out its welcome at my home.
I haven't gone to any great lengths to block her texts or phone calls and I don't know if I'll ever have to. It's not like her texts or contact is triggering in any way that her not being here is triggering. I expect a lot of them may come when she has her sad lonely moments, too. Had she found that magical right guy to replace me, that would stop and she would switch her focus onto him.
The sadness/lonely triggers happen at random and out of nowhere when I least expect it.
I will say it's nice to hear the dog is doing well though I do miss her cuddles and puppy licks and love. It's nice to not have to question alcohol anymore because we just don't talk about it. It's like the elephant in the room that's there and we just ignore now. When we talk, or when I see her, not one mention of drinking from either of us. I assume if she had stopped, or was trying, she'd have said something. So I guess I have to assume it's just moving on just as I was before I left, or progressing. I know, focus on me, not her. Trying, trying.
I realize that eventually someday I will break free of these feelings and the sadness will left permanently. I know I can't control that any more than I could control her drinking here or after she left, and that is just the plain truth. I imagine her life has the same moments of "it'll be okay" mixed with the empty, sorrowful ones (she commented on how weird and quiet things were at her place, just like I feel it is here) -- We are two people who love one another who had to split up because of alcohol being in this world and that just sucks, sucks, sucks. And that's the simplest way to put it I guess. No fighting, abuse, violence, cheating -- Just alcohol tearing us down and breaking us apart.
Sigh!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 122
I find myself saddened by the fact that none of these texted or spoken words are - "I am giving up drinking because I see what it has done to my life." Or even, in these moments where I think she's looking back on us, not even a "I want to quit drinking and recover because I believe in us and that our love is worth fighting for." Nothing like that ever spoken, even texted, even written, ever hinted at.
Wells,
I'm very lonely and sad right now too. My ex never offered to curtail or even stop the drinking either. He has moved on with another woman-that's hard to accept. We're grieving and once time lapses the loneliness and sadness will lessen. I have a therapist now (it helps). Maybe give that a try as well.
Reading the stories here has helped tremendously too.
Wells,
I'm very lonely and sad right now too. My ex never offered to curtail or even stop the drinking either. He has moved on with another woman-that's hard to accept. We're grieving and once time lapses the loneliness and sadness will lessen. I have a therapist now (it helps). Maybe give that a try as well.
Reading the stories here has helped tremendously too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Thanks for the reply and I'm sorry for your loss as well.
I know it's egotistical for me to think that there is no one else out there for her. And as you have seen, it can be pretty amazing how they can find somebody new. I have read a lot about this phenomenon, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that they put a lot of energy into it because they really need someone in their life, they need to be in a relationship, it's part of the package to deal with it -- my ex once told me this in so many words when we were on one of our many "near break ups". She said, I'll be looking for someone else right away, because that's what I do. She admitted that she had no interest in being alone, and that if we were to break up, she'd be looking for a guy to replace me as soon as possible.
So, I guess we just take that aspect as part of what goes along with the condition. Fairly common practice. It's sort of like the cycle, what started with you, starts anew with the new partner. Until THAT hits a breaking point, like it did with you, repeat. etc. I realized it so many years later that I was "the guy" who picked her up after her prior relationship and I never paused to realize how close in proximity it was to when we started dating.
I've learned that time in between relationships is very healthy, and those who run right onto the next one as soon as absolutely possible are doing themselves a big disservice. I am lonely, but I also know that now is not at all the time to go on dates or dating sites or get set up. I am still not over my ex and I still miss her and love her. That's not baggage to bring into a relationship with a new person.
Someone also gave me the advice here that it's possible that they just aren't into you anymore, so it is also something I consider. She may see me as a wonderful guy and a wonderful friend but no longer someone she wants to be in a romantic relationship with, and I have to also consider that when I reflect back on the relationship with her. We like to blame the alcohol and just assume that if it were all to magically disappear, that they'd be back and we'd be a happy couple -- But there may also be underlying issues, on both of our sides, that got us to where we were. Alcohol may be the star of that breakup show but perhaps there's a lot of folks in 2nd billing as well that contibuted. Part of my recovery process is looking back on other areas and even my own contributions to it. I'll never take all of the blame, or even most of the blame, but I'd be foolish not to take some of it.
Thanks for reading and I wish you well as you go through it. It's a tough time.
I know it's egotistical for me to think that there is no one else out there for her. And as you have seen, it can be pretty amazing how they can find somebody new. I have read a lot about this phenomenon, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that they put a lot of energy into it because they really need someone in their life, they need to be in a relationship, it's part of the package to deal with it -- my ex once told me this in so many words when we were on one of our many "near break ups". She said, I'll be looking for someone else right away, because that's what I do. She admitted that she had no interest in being alone, and that if we were to break up, she'd be looking for a guy to replace me as soon as possible.
So, I guess we just take that aspect as part of what goes along with the condition. Fairly common practice. It's sort of like the cycle, what started with you, starts anew with the new partner. Until THAT hits a breaking point, like it did with you, repeat. etc. I realized it so many years later that I was "the guy" who picked her up after her prior relationship and I never paused to realize how close in proximity it was to when we started dating.
I've learned that time in between relationships is very healthy, and those who run right onto the next one as soon as absolutely possible are doing themselves a big disservice. I am lonely, but I also know that now is not at all the time to go on dates or dating sites or get set up. I am still not over my ex and I still miss her and love her. That's not baggage to bring into a relationship with a new person.
Someone also gave me the advice here that it's possible that they just aren't into you anymore, so it is also something I consider. She may see me as a wonderful guy and a wonderful friend but no longer someone she wants to be in a romantic relationship with, and I have to also consider that when I reflect back on the relationship with her. We like to blame the alcohol and just assume that if it were all to magically disappear, that they'd be back and we'd be a happy couple -- But there may also be underlying issues, on both of our sides, that got us to where we were. Alcohol may be the star of that breakup show but perhaps there's a lot of folks in 2nd billing as well that contibuted. Part of my recovery process is looking back on other areas and even my own contributions to it. I'll never take all of the blame, or even most of the blame, but I'd be foolish not to take some of it.
Thanks for reading and I wish you well as you go through it. It's a tough time.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wells...it is so normal to be feeling sad and lonely at this stage of the game.
It is good that you can express it, outward to others (like us...lol)......
Honestly, at this stage, some people are still writhing...literally, stll writhing in pain....
Even though you ARE doing all the right things.....don't think that those things will enable you to avoid the pain the must be felt....But, they do keep you from getting stuck in the pain.
The shortest way around the pain is straight through it......
In our lives, at some points, some rain must fall....
Honestly...telling about the bad date and the dating site is so unnecessary and so insensitive !! m a n i p u l a t i o n..... Send all the photos of the dog...shades of the same thing.
The oldest thing in the book is to leave remnants of stuff behind.......
Your texting observation....Here is my take on that stuff: Texting is less intimate than the spoken word. Also, speaking by text allows the person to have more control of the conversation. A spoken conversation between two people is a much more vulnerable, intimate exc hange and requires more involvement with each other.
Yes, the alcohol did tear you two apart and break down the relationship.....fair enough said. It is true.
digging deeper, however, you could also say that the dynamics that are still lying underneath the drinking (and the co-dependency) are what did the same thing.......
tomorrow is another day....welcome it.....
dandylion
***You may be right...that what she "reads" as romantic "love", may be mainly her need to be enabled by someone that she is able to manipulate and control. That may be her comfort zone and the criteria by which she is attracted to and chooses romantic partners......
You have become less controllable and less enabling....haven't you..? Enough said......
It is good that you can express it, outward to others (like us...lol)......
Honestly, at this stage, some people are still writhing...literally, stll writhing in pain....
Even though you ARE doing all the right things.....don't think that those things will enable you to avoid the pain the must be felt....But, they do keep you from getting stuck in the pain.
The shortest way around the pain is straight through it......
In our lives, at some points, some rain must fall....
Honestly...telling about the bad date and the dating site is so unnecessary and so insensitive !! m a n i p u l a t i o n..... Send all the photos of the dog...shades of the same thing.
The oldest thing in the book is to leave remnants of stuff behind.......
Your texting observation....Here is my take on that stuff: Texting is less intimate than the spoken word. Also, speaking by text allows the person to have more control of the conversation. A spoken conversation between two people is a much more vulnerable, intimate exc hange and requires more involvement with each other.
Yes, the alcohol did tear you two apart and break down the relationship.....fair enough said. It is true.
digging deeper, however, you could also say that the dynamics that are still lying underneath the drinking (and the co-dependency) are what did the same thing.......
tomorrow is another day....welcome it.....
dandylion
***You may be right...that what she "reads" as romantic "love", may be mainly her need to be enabled by someone that she is able to manipulate and control. That may be her comfort zone and the criteria by which she is attracted to and chooses romantic partners......
You have become less controllable and less enabling....haven't you..? Enough said......
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
wells, i came across this quote today - part of a new thread i put up:
“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”
― Steve Maraboli
i know you two had a long HISTORY, but don't forget you have a future yet to live. no, it might not include her, but perhaps she needed to get out of the way to allow more NEW good stuff in.
i really wish she wouldn't play games with you about the dog........that's just cruel. it would be ok for you to let those texts go down to a trickle. especially when she is "sharing" with you about dating. it's like she is trying to bait you......as in bait you into pleading "oh baby please come home!" and that is not helpful OR healthy.
i'm glad you are here and talking this stuff out. it takes a lot to process BIG changes in our lives. i know you miss her and the dog....i even suspect sometimes more the dog than her!!!! we have two and as much as they drive me insane, i'd miss their special brand of insanity. i feel for ya bud. is it too soon to consider getting your own dog? a rescue pup needing a forever home?
“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”
― Steve Maraboli
i know you two had a long HISTORY, but don't forget you have a future yet to live. no, it might not include her, but perhaps she needed to get out of the way to allow more NEW good stuff in.
i really wish she wouldn't play games with you about the dog........that's just cruel. it would be ok for you to let those texts go down to a trickle. especially when she is "sharing" with you about dating. it's like she is trying to bait you......as in bait you into pleading "oh baby please come home!" and that is not helpful OR healthy.
i'm glad you are here and talking this stuff out. it takes a lot to process BIG changes in our lives. i know you miss her and the dog....i even suspect sometimes more the dog than her!!!! we have two and as much as they drive me insane, i'd miss their special brand of insanity. i feel for ya bud. is it too soon to consider getting your own dog? a rescue pup needing a forever home?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Great posts, great quote, thank you.
It's okay, while I realize how it looks I think she also knows how much I love and miss that dog. I won't take the bait. If I told her one time to stop talking about her or sending me pics because it was hurting, she'd stop immediately. It's at the same time nice to see the dog and a little hard to see the dog. Really it's similar to hear from her too, both good and bad at times. The problem is that any information that is not "I am working on a recovery program to quit alcohol to get my life back together", it's nothing that changes anything.
It would just be nice to hear something about her deciding to change the pattern and do something about the drinking, instead of nothing about it at all. I will get to a point where if she's got no plans of getting her drinking situation under control, there's nowhere left to go and nothing left to say. Still drinking? Okay. End of story.
We have gotten back together in the past after breakups (one was several months living apart) but the difference in those situations was that we got back together and the drinking continued. At the time I did not realize that it was an actual problem, I thought it was just a lifestyle choice. I went through some heavy drinking years in and post-college and I just grew out of it and became I guess what we around here call a "normal drinker". It took me this long to realize that she is not a normal drinker. So, the difference I had to tell myself this time is, we can not get back together if she is drinking, because it just restarts the cycle and the outcome is inevitable. I also realize that just because she stops drinking, as she did once before, the fear of relapse is there for the rest of time.
I have had some multi-year relationships break up in the past and my M.O. has always been to leave it in the past. No contact, no checking up on them, etc. I don't really do "friends" with an ex that well nor do I really have the desire to try. It's probably a bit of a character flaw in me that I don't want to see my exes with another guy. I don't want to see another guy playing with / raising my ex-dog (I don't know how you folks with kids do it when they remarry). And I figure she doesn't much want to see me walking hand in hand with another girl or another girl living in what was OUR home, etc. She knows I'm in no rush to date though, so maybe she realizes there's time or a chance.
But what she doesn't know (and I should not have to tell her) is that this is not like before -- We have had our last drink together. I am not meeting up with her over a beer to talk about getting back together. I'd happily meet her at a support meeting if she was in recovery and wanted me to. If she's drinking, if she's not changing the pattern, if she hasn't realized what alcohol has done to us...and why I can't risk the pattern happening again...and she understands I am not someone who is friends with an ex...I'm not sure what she wants.
I miss them both so much, and the waves of loneliness and hurt can be crushing, angering, mind-numbing...But I will have to deal with that because I cannot spend another day or night watching her sleep off a hangover, listening to her vomit, watching her get obliviously drunk at a party or family event, starting drunken arguyments with me just for the fun of it, not remembering any of the horrible things she did and said the day before...I can not do that one more day in my life. I have spent my last day doing all of those things with her.
I never thought I'd be saying this before we got that dog 2 years ago, but I am pretty sure I see myself getting a rescue dog of my own down the road. I miss our dog a lot and she was a great friend. It's been difficult but I know it's best for me and the dog to let her go -- I wish she could have stayed but I also know my ex really needs her and she IS her dog (she was a sobriety gift to her, ironically, which also was the best time in our relationship of the entire 10 years, the sober period when we adopted the dog). Once I get my house literally in order (I'm cleaning up some long overdue messes) and start running out of things to do around here, and have the time to devote to loving a dog, I can see that happening.
It's okay, while I realize how it looks I think she also knows how much I love and miss that dog. I won't take the bait. If I told her one time to stop talking about her or sending me pics because it was hurting, she'd stop immediately. It's at the same time nice to see the dog and a little hard to see the dog. Really it's similar to hear from her too, both good and bad at times. The problem is that any information that is not "I am working on a recovery program to quit alcohol to get my life back together", it's nothing that changes anything.
It would just be nice to hear something about her deciding to change the pattern and do something about the drinking, instead of nothing about it at all. I will get to a point where if she's got no plans of getting her drinking situation under control, there's nowhere left to go and nothing left to say. Still drinking? Okay. End of story.
We have gotten back together in the past after breakups (one was several months living apart) but the difference in those situations was that we got back together and the drinking continued. At the time I did not realize that it was an actual problem, I thought it was just a lifestyle choice. I went through some heavy drinking years in and post-college and I just grew out of it and became I guess what we around here call a "normal drinker". It took me this long to realize that she is not a normal drinker. So, the difference I had to tell myself this time is, we can not get back together if she is drinking, because it just restarts the cycle and the outcome is inevitable. I also realize that just because she stops drinking, as she did once before, the fear of relapse is there for the rest of time.
I have had some multi-year relationships break up in the past and my M.O. has always been to leave it in the past. No contact, no checking up on them, etc. I don't really do "friends" with an ex that well nor do I really have the desire to try. It's probably a bit of a character flaw in me that I don't want to see my exes with another guy. I don't want to see another guy playing with / raising my ex-dog (I don't know how you folks with kids do it when they remarry). And I figure she doesn't much want to see me walking hand in hand with another girl or another girl living in what was OUR home, etc. She knows I'm in no rush to date though, so maybe she realizes there's time or a chance.
But what she doesn't know (and I should not have to tell her) is that this is not like before -- We have had our last drink together. I am not meeting up with her over a beer to talk about getting back together. I'd happily meet her at a support meeting if she was in recovery and wanted me to. If she's drinking, if she's not changing the pattern, if she hasn't realized what alcohol has done to us...and why I can't risk the pattern happening again...and she understands I am not someone who is friends with an ex...I'm not sure what she wants.
I miss them both so much, and the waves of loneliness and hurt can be crushing, angering, mind-numbing...But I will have to deal with that because I cannot spend another day or night watching her sleep off a hangover, listening to her vomit, watching her get obliviously drunk at a party or family event, starting drunken arguyments with me just for the fun of it, not remembering any of the horrible things she did and said the day before...I can not do that one more day in my life. I have spent my last day doing all of those things with her.
I never thought I'd be saying this before we got that dog 2 years ago, but I am pretty sure I see myself getting a rescue dog of my own down the road. I miss our dog a lot and she was a great friend. It's been difficult but I know it's best for me and the dog to let her go -- I wish she could have stayed but I also know my ex really needs her and she IS her dog (she was a sobriety gift to her, ironically, which also was the best time in our relationship of the entire 10 years, the sober period when we adopted the dog). Once I get my house literally in order (I'm cleaning up some long overdue messes) and start running out of things to do around here, and have the time to devote to loving a dog, I can see that happening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 99
One of the last things my ex said to me before the no contact order went into effect was that she saw "no point" in continuing her recovery process if I wasn't going to be there for her.
That's when I realized she never really thought she had a problem,
I feel your pain on the dog (lost one of my two in the breakup) and the sadness/loneliness. I got hit with it hard yesterday dealing with the house and furniture shopping. I found myself missing having someone to share that stuff with.
Today I took a break from dealing with it all, and took my dog to the beach. It was what I needed.
That's when I realized she never really thought she had a problem,
I feel your pain on the dog (lost one of my two in the breakup) and the sadness/loneliness. I got hit with it hard yesterday dealing with the house and furniture shopping. I found myself missing having someone to share that stuff with.
Today I took a break from dealing with it all, and took my dog to the beach. It was what I needed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Wells,
Yes it does hurt. You have to understand you gave her a choice, you or alcohol. She is an alcoholic and she can't see a life without alcohol. It is not even comprehendable to her. She is sitting at her house "hoping" you would back down like all the other times, and come to your senses. That's why she continues with the contact with you. I hate to say but time is the only thing that helps. When you have contact with her, it stirs up all the emotions and it continues to hurt and you start at day one again.
I finally, after 1 1/2 years post divorce, realized that axh was not going to reach out for help from me. I always had that 1% chance that he would see the "light" and "realize" that he was wrong and I was right. That he would recognize his "problem" and get "it" fixed. I wasted all this time. Once I accepted that we were two different people, wanting two different things out of life I was at peace. It became less about his drinking (I have not mentioned His alcohol problem to him since the days before we divorced.) and more about who we are and what we want as a couple. He wanted to party, I wanted a healthy normal relationship.
Keep venting my friend, take one day at a time. You have to feel your pain, you can't numb yourself out out like our addicts do.
Yes it does hurt. You have to understand you gave her a choice, you or alcohol. She is an alcoholic and she can't see a life without alcohol. It is not even comprehendable to her. She is sitting at her house "hoping" you would back down like all the other times, and come to your senses. That's why she continues with the contact with you. I hate to say but time is the only thing that helps. When you have contact with her, it stirs up all the emotions and it continues to hurt and you start at day one again.
I finally, after 1 1/2 years post divorce, realized that axh was not going to reach out for help from me. I always had that 1% chance that he would see the "light" and "realize" that he was wrong and I was right. That he would recognize his "problem" and get "it" fixed. I wasted all this time. Once I accepted that we were two different people, wanting two different things out of life I was at peace. It became less about his drinking (I have not mentioned His alcohol problem to him since the days before we divorced.) and more about who we are and what we want as a couple. He wanted to party, I wanted a healthy normal relationship.
Keep venting my friend, take one day at a time. You have to feel your pain, you can't numb yourself out out like our addicts do.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I know you are hurting right now, but this too shall pass. Addicts move from one healthy relationship to the next- it will take a new person some time to realize she has a problem and then she might get them to be an enabler for awhile, and then the cycle will repeat.
Even if she was to stop drinking tomorrow, it has really passed the time of no return. You have been through this a million times, and would you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying that she might relapse? You deserve to have a stable relationship with someone who is capable of being there for you like you are there for them. A quality relationship that you can feel secure in instead of waiting for something to go wrong.
Have you considered counseling? I have found finding a good counselor can really be a wonderful resource. Do you have any family or friends that you can surround yourself with and create a support system with? Or you can always go to meetings for family members since sometimes it helps to have people there in person that know what you are going though as well as Sober Recovery. You also might want to consider going no contact with her, sometimes the texts can continue to re-open wounds or slow down the process of healing.
Things will get better and the pain will start to subside. You can do this! We are all here for you.
Even if she was to stop drinking tomorrow, it has really passed the time of no return. You have been through this a million times, and would you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying that she might relapse? You deserve to have a stable relationship with someone who is capable of being there for you like you are there for them. A quality relationship that you can feel secure in instead of waiting for something to go wrong.
Have you considered counseling? I have found finding a good counselor can really be a wonderful resource. Do you have any family or friends that you can surround yourself with and create a support system with? Or you can always go to meetings for family members since sometimes it helps to have people there in person that know what you are going though as well as Sober Recovery. You also might want to consider going no contact with her, sometimes the texts can continue to re-open wounds or slow down the process of healing.
Things will get better and the pain will start to subside. You can do this! We are all here for you.
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JeepGuy - So great to hear from you, and to hear that you had a good day today. What I went through pales in comparison to your story and to see that you still also struggle with the emptiness and the loss is telling. It's such a powerful thing, love, compassion, and such an amazing notion that despite what we go through, especially what you have been through, that we can still feel the loss. But you make a good point, it may not be the loss of them, it may just be the loss of having SOMEONE.
My ex also immediately increased drinking once I asked her to go, and said basically, what's the point now. So, she confirmed what yours did as well. She was white knuckling it as best she could to try and keep the balance, but she never wanted to stop. She just wanted to take it as far as she could without having to leave. Like your ex, this is not a problem for them -- The only problem is that fact that WE had a problem with it! Wild.
Maia - Such a profound thought that I think so many of us who are affected come here with -- hope. We come with the hope that there is a solution or a happy ending, only to find that as you say, it's literally a 1% chance and that most of the stories here with the happy endings ended in an entirely different way. An acceptance that the dream we once had with our SO is over.
I carried this hope because I saw her succeed for almost a half a year in the past, and both the person I knew she was and our relationship flourished as a result. It did turn out she was struggling and without a recovery system, as we have seen, it failed. Moments like that gave me hope in that I think she deep down knew it was a problem. The only hope I have left is that she doesn't give up on that notion -- She doesn't accept that alcohol has to be a part of the rest of her life.
Very interesting what you say about how you stopped the conversation about the drinking, as I've done the same. I finally realized that every conversation I had about it meant nothing and only she was in control of that decision. As you say, at the end of the day, they may just want the party, and we just want a loving relationship. And unfortunately the two are mutually exclusive lifestyles.
Adeline - Thank you for replying! I definitely will be looking into counseling if I feel I can't beat this on my own. I feel stronger knowing that I will not make the mistakes of the past in getting back together under conditions that still allow drinking. It took me a while but I learned that it just ends up in failure. I fully expect that she will work to find a new relationship because she's told me as much in the past, one that allows the party to continue. I don't plan to be in the picture to see that.
I realize all of this takes time, and that's the hard part. I don't want to feel the way I feel, of course. But I also realize that this is the process. Some days it's tough. I try and try to reason why alcohol has to afflict these poor people in such a terrible way, and how much pain it has caused so many of us here. I struggle trying to understand how the condition actually encourages them to dive deeper in and alienate people that love them SO much that they endure it for years in the hopes they can get through it. Quite possibly, so many of the A's we read stories about here, have a chance at a long life with one of the most loving, caring partners they could have ever dreamed for, and they choose daily to throw it away.
My ex also immediately increased drinking once I asked her to go, and said basically, what's the point now. So, she confirmed what yours did as well. She was white knuckling it as best she could to try and keep the balance, but she never wanted to stop. She just wanted to take it as far as she could without having to leave. Like your ex, this is not a problem for them -- The only problem is that fact that WE had a problem with it! Wild.
Maia - Such a profound thought that I think so many of us who are affected come here with -- hope. We come with the hope that there is a solution or a happy ending, only to find that as you say, it's literally a 1% chance and that most of the stories here with the happy endings ended in an entirely different way. An acceptance that the dream we once had with our SO is over.
I carried this hope because I saw her succeed for almost a half a year in the past, and both the person I knew she was and our relationship flourished as a result. It did turn out she was struggling and without a recovery system, as we have seen, it failed. Moments like that gave me hope in that I think she deep down knew it was a problem. The only hope I have left is that she doesn't give up on that notion -- She doesn't accept that alcohol has to be a part of the rest of her life.
Very interesting what you say about how you stopped the conversation about the drinking, as I've done the same. I finally realized that every conversation I had about it meant nothing and only she was in control of that decision. As you say, at the end of the day, they may just want the party, and we just want a loving relationship. And unfortunately the two are mutually exclusive lifestyles.
Adeline - Thank you for replying! I definitely will be looking into counseling if I feel I can't beat this on my own. I feel stronger knowing that I will not make the mistakes of the past in getting back together under conditions that still allow drinking. It took me a while but I learned that it just ends up in failure. I fully expect that she will work to find a new relationship because she's told me as much in the past, one that allows the party to continue. I don't plan to be in the picture to see that.
I realize all of this takes time, and that's the hard part. I don't want to feel the way I feel, of course. But I also realize that this is the process. Some days it's tough. I try and try to reason why alcohol has to afflict these poor people in such a terrible way, and how much pain it has caused so many of us here. I struggle trying to understand how the condition actually encourages them to dive deeper in and alienate people that love them SO much that they endure it for years in the hopes they can get through it. Quite possibly, so many of the A's we read stories about here, have a chance at a long life with one of the most loving, caring partners they could have ever dreamed for, and they choose daily to throw it away.
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I will also add that the ridiculousness is not lost on me -- I consider myself of at least moderate intelligence and yet still admittedly came here initially (as I am sure so many others of us have and will continue to do) looking for hope or encouragement or a "cure" to get my ex to "see the light" and get on the path to sobriety and a happy, loving life with me. Basically, the same thing I tried to do unsuccessfully over the course of 10 years, when I gave up, came here to find out if there were any OTHER ways I could do it. It's nuts. It's sort of the same kind of nuts I guess that any problem drinkers feel when they drink. It's their brains working against all logic and sensibility.
We here have come to know our condition as codependence. I'm not sure much like alcoholism that it necessarily fits a single term. It's also blind love. These are people we have grown to love and spent years (sometimes decades) experiencing life with. Raising families, seeing the world, trying to stand each other up when the chips are down...something simple as holding hands, reaching out in the darkness of the bed and feeling that person there next to you, making each other bowls of chicken soup when you're sick. We do romanticize the past because it's as much a part of our last X number of years as the alcohol was. So we all come here looking for answers, and for hope that we can keep that dream alive, only to realize that looking at rational statistics, rational thought, actual results -- the deck is so stacked against us we may as well walk away from the table and never come back.
There have been so many stories I've read here and so many levels of horror. Why is the success rate so low? So much of the "run away from the alcoholic" and I can see why. I see the stories of the people who went back. Those who went into their recovery to support them just to get let down. Are we truly just saying here that alcoholics, not in recovery, and even those IN recovery, should be avoided like the plague because they're bound to relapse? No wonder they drink! We're basically telling them that any level-headed, rational person in the world would never want to enter into a relationship with them, and their remaining days will be built on shaky ground because the people that get involved with addicts are damaged themselves! Heavy.
We here have come to know our condition as codependence. I'm not sure much like alcoholism that it necessarily fits a single term. It's also blind love. These are people we have grown to love and spent years (sometimes decades) experiencing life with. Raising families, seeing the world, trying to stand each other up when the chips are down...something simple as holding hands, reaching out in the darkness of the bed and feeling that person there next to you, making each other bowls of chicken soup when you're sick. We do romanticize the past because it's as much a part of our last X number of years as the alcohol was. So we all come here looking for answers, and for hope that we can keep that dream alive, only to realize that looking at rational statistics, rational thought, actual results -- the deck is so stacked against us we may as well walk away from the table and never come back.
There have been so many stories I've read here and so many levels of horror. Why is the success rate so low? So much of the "run away from the alcoholic" and I can see why. I see the stories of the people who went back. Those who went into their recovery to support them just to get let down. Are we truly just saying here that alcoholics, not in recovery, and even those IN recovery, should be avoided like the plague because they're bound to relapse? No wonder they drink!
We're basically telling them that any level-headed, rational person in the world would never want to enter into a relationship with them, and their remaining days will be built on shaky ground because the people that get involved with addicts are damaged themselves! Heavy.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Be glad its happening now-maybe your better off-although i can imagine your pain
My AW drinking got so out of control she had blackout drunk sex with 2 guys 5 days apart.She only started drinking in 2009-never was a drinker prior to that
Now my daughter and i had to tell her we were leaving and not coming back after 25years together and me telling her parents what she did and they had to talk
But she decided she needed help and is in rehab now....
But i have had to tell my kids that if she starts drinking when she gets out we are outta here-not a comfortable conversation to have with a 16 daughter and my 20yo daughter and 23yo son
Least my older two dont live at home so not as hard as the talk with my 16yo
Hang in there man you will be ok
My AW drinking got so out of control she had blackout drunk sex with 2 guys 5 days apart.She only started drinking in 2009-never was a drinker prior to that
Now my daughter and i had to tell her we were leaving and not coming back after 25years together and me telling her parents what she did and they had to talk
But she decided she needed help and is in rehab now....
But i have had to tell my kids that if she starts drinking when she gets out we are outta here-not a comfortable conversation to have with a 16 daughter and my 20yo daughter and 23yo son
Least my older two dont live at home so not as hard as the talk with my 16yo
Hang in there man you will be ok
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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I romanticize the past a lot too, I think we tend to do that, which makes it so hard to really, really "let go." My AH had no signs of being an A when we met and until a few years later. Since then, however, it's been downhill. Sure, there were good times and in some ways, we are compatible (like watching movies together, love dogs, love our son, etc) but the bad, and the insane, has really outweighed the good overall.
As for their chances, I dwelled on that a long time. Sure there are many A's who get and remain sober, but we just don't know and impossible to rely on it. My A's sponsor is something like 35 years sober, but then again there are many who don't, or who get sober for a while but are chronic relapsers. At this point it is just too shaky a foundation for me to continue with and I feel like I will never, ever trust him. I don't know - maybe if 20 years go by - but who wants to wait (and even then there are no guarantees). I have been held hostage by his drinking for years now and frankly, look forward to the day when I can drop it as a primary concern. It is very hard to give up that feeling of control and misery when the shoe drops (and anxiety hoping that it won't). It's a very unsettling way to live.
As for their chances, I dwelled on that a long time. Sure there are many A's who get and remain sober, but we just don't know and impossible to rely on it. My A's sponsor is something like 35 years sober, but then again there are many who don't, or who get sober for a while but are chronic relapsers. At this point it is just too shaky a foundation for me to continue with and I feel like I will never, ever trust him. I don't know - maybe if 20 years go by - but who wants to wait (and even then there are no guarantees). I have been held hostage by his drinking for years now and frankly, look forward to the day when I can drop it as a primary concern. It is very hard to give up that feeling of control and misery when the shoe drops (and anxiety hoping that it won't). It's a very unsettling way to live.
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Good Morning, Wells. I hope today is a better, brighter day for you. A friend of mine asked me this morning how I was feeling, and I said, "I'm just sad". This person doesn't know too much about my situation, but knows there is a problem at home. So, I totally get you.
You mention coming to this board to seek clues to 'fix' our loved one, to get 'tips and tricks' as it were. And those first posts that told us, "Umm, no, but here's reality" really stung.
I think you are doing well, and 10 years won't be erased too quickly. It will take time, and allowing it to take that time is necessary I think.
Hang in there, and glad you found this place.
COD
You mention coming to this board to seek clues to 'fix' our loved one, to get 'tips and tricks' as it were. And those first posts that told us, "Umm, no, but here's reality" really stung.
I think you are doing well, and 10 years won't be erased too quickly. It will take time, and allowing it to take that time is necessary I think.
Hang in there, and glad you found this place.
COD
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by Wells 
There have been so many stories I've read here and so many levels of horror. Why is the success rate so low? So much of the "run away from the alcoholic" and I can see why. I see the stories of the people who went back. Those who went into their recovery to support them just to get let down. Are we truly just saying here that alcoholics, not in recovery, and even those IN recovery, should be avoided like the plague because they're bound to relapse? No wonder they drink! We're basically telling them that any level-headed, rational person in the world would never want to enter into a relationship with them, and their remaining days will be built on shaky ground because the people that get involved with addicts are damaged themselves! Heavy.
We're basically telling them that any level-headed, rational person in the world would never want to enter into a relationship with them, and their remaining days will be built on shaky ground because the people that get involved with addicts are damaged themselves! Heavy.I think it’s more about people who want a loving, caring, mutually trusting, family strong - hands on involved partner…………….and most alcoholics don’t fit that build.
We enter into relationships with certain expectations then often when those expectations are not met where maybe they once were we begin to devote our time to get “us” really them back on track.
Living life on the alcoholic’s terms makes us become sick and trying to get them to live life on our terms makes them resentful.
Two people come together and enjoy the relationship and people change. A drinking issue that wasn’t scene before now becomes an issue and the knot in the rope of the tug of war begins. When an alcoholic won’t give up the drink it’s time for the other person to drop the rope but sadly they hold on to it for dear life as if it were there life line.
Some people can live with active alcoholism in a partner. They have different needs and priorities that are getting met. I know several woman who don’t care if their husbands drink or cheat as long as he’s paying the bills. I know several men who only wants a pretty woman on their arm when attending big events but doesn’t want a relationship. Men and woman marry people on death row because everyone has different needs.
That saying………..don’t go to the hardware store for bread = don’t expect to have a “normal” type relationship with an alcoholic/addict.
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I appreciate so many of you coming to visit this thread (I see some others who have recently started threads as well and I'll be stopping by!)
I certainly don't want to paint a picture of misery here -- I have been blessed with a lot of things in life and whilst I do still harbor a bit of fear of a lonely future (which I think is natural as part of the grieving process to feel hopeless at times) I certainly am thankful for so many wonderful things in my life as well, and despite my occasional gloomy outbursts (which I appreciate the support over) do also have an incredibly full life and a solid future. I'm learning a lot about myself, and it's interesting. I can do well on my own for quite a while but I also find that I have that desire to be loved and to love someone and that it's definitely a place in my life that I'd like to get back to someday. And being so early in the process, I can't lie and say I still don't occasionally have the daydreams of making it work with exAGF. Of course my traumatized brain then has nightmares reminding me of why we got where we are -- I dreamed last night that it was yet another night of her out on the town, out of contact to some unknown hour, stumbling in when I was already in bed, making a mess of the kitchen to make a midnight snack, drunkenly stumbling into bed. And when I woke up and realized it was a dream I felt relief that I was alone.
It's not that that particular event, compared to what many of you have gone through, is a horror scene -- Mind you, it is just the basic dynamic that had developed between us. I sit home, clean the house, laundry, dishes, take care of the dog, maybe get a little time for me. She goes out with her friends for "2 drinks", shows up at home at 3 AM or later, stumbles into bed smelling like a distillery, sleeps until noon the next day, acts like everything's fine. It just wasn't a great way to live -- And it was also highly disrespectful to me as a partner and our relationship to assume getting treated like that was ok. Sure, I could see if that was a mistake that happened once or twice a year, many of us have been there -- But when it's most non-work nights, happening again and again. Too much. And that dream was my brain reminding me of that, and how much I hated it. And how miserable I became.
Mxdad - I will be stopping by your thread. My thoughts are with you and what a horrible thing you have just gone through. I and the wonderful folks around are here for support. I think your thread goes to show, there are so many extremes to what this can do to us when our loving relationship is overtaken by the desire for alcohol. Hang in there, take care of your kids which I know you will and thank you for the words of encouragement.
pndm07 - Just in listing those few items I can tell you have romanticized the same as I do. We loved those things we could do together sober and just be happy and live in the moment. Not because we had drugs or alcohol to somehow change our brains while we were doing it -- Our SO's were our drug and we loved that drug. And the romanticizing I guess is the withdrawal talking of the loss of those rare but still joyful moments we could spend together, glimpses of what a "normal life' would be when the thought of the next drink or the next big night out boozing wasn't even a part of the equation. That day just never came. The relapse notion is certainly a scary one, never knowing when it will hit or how hard. From what I have read around here, it has been a real gut punch to some of us.
OhioDad! Thanks for stopping in. Sorry that you are sad too. I get what you mean saying you are "just sad". I thought about it a little bit today. I'm sad because I usually can eventually solve a problem and this one was unsolvable. I realized that I am sad now because they are gone. But then I also realized, if they were back, I'd be sad too, because I'd just be hitting the rewind button to a month ago, and nothing will have changed. At least not long term. I'm sad because I came to terms with the fact that she has no interest in living an alcohol-free life. But what this place has taught me is that, I can forgive her for that, and she has the right to do it, same as I had the right to not want to live with it any more. I get sad because I realize that I am sad that she is gone, but realize that if I waved a magic wand and she was here, I'd be sad too, because I'd be back in the alcohol mess again. I hope you are having a good day sir.
Hopeful - Truth! I'm close. She has been dragging out getting the last of her things and I understand all the reasons behind that. She has committed to finishing up next week. I also know that once she has found a new guy to occupy her time that the contact will cease. I don't initiate contact, and I have stayed available just to help finalize things financially and logistically. It has been the most civil, oddly friendly breakup of my life. It's almost like closing a business deal instead of ending a romantic relationship. Which is sad in a way, but also, less stressful than living with active alcoholism.
atalose - That's the one that gets me the most. I have had to come to terms with the fact that perhaps she has just never developed those type of emotions or abilities in true, due to a life of substance abuse. I think you need to be clear and straight for those type of emotions to develop, it's sort of like flexing a muscle. When I don't exercise for a while, and try and do push-ups, I can maybe squeak out a few. But the more exercise I get, the more I can do. If you're always dulling your brain, you never give it the chance to learn real empathy -- You can fake it because you know what it's supposed to be. But you can't give it genuinely.
I certainly have held onto that rope at times where it went against all reason, and I've dropped the rope and even picked it up again in the past just to find myself back here again and again.
It's true what you say -- If the partner is getting whatever they want out of it, whether it be arm candy, money, or other more physical/visible things, and the actual care, affection, trust, and overall I think the big word I have realized is RESPECT are not there -- We are saying it is basically impossible for an addict or an ex-addict to ever bring those skills to the table. It's a heavy thought (and like I said, perhaps a reason so many alcoholics relapse or fail). To basically infer that an active or a recovering alcoholic is unable to be a complete partner is a tough pill to swallow I think, both for the loving family/partner as well as the alcoholic. It's basically saying, you have an affliction that makes you less than adequate as a partner, and you're going to carry that with you for the rest of your life, no matter what you do.
I certainly don't want to paint a picture of misery here -- I have been blessed with a lot of things in life and whilst I do still harbor a bit of fear of a lonely future (which I think is natural as part of the grieving process to feel hopeless at times) I certainly am thankful for so many wonderful things in my life as well, and despite my occasional gloomy outbursts (which I appreciate the support over) do also have an incredibly full life and a solid future. I'm learning a lot about myself, and it's interesting. I can do well on my own for quite a while but I also find that I have that desire to be loved and to love someone and that it's definitely a place in my life that I'd like to get back to someday. And being so early in the process, I can't lie and say I still don't occasionally have the daydreams of making it work with exAGF. Of course my traumatized brain then has nightmares reminding me of why we got where we are -- I dreamed last night that it was yet another night of her out on the town, out of contact to some unknown hour, stumbling in when I was already in bed, making a mess of the kitchen to make a midnight snack, drunkenly stumbling into bed. And when I woke up and realized it was a dream I felt relief that I was alone.
It's not that that particular event, compared to what many of you have gone through, is a horror scene -- Mind you, it is just the basic dynamic that had developed between us. I sit home, clean the house, laundry, dishes, take care of the dog, maybe get a little time for me. She goes out with her friends for "2 drinks", shows up at home at 3 AM or later, stumbles into bed smelling like a distillery, sleeps until noon the next day, acts like everything's fine. It just wasn't a great way to live -- And it was also highly disrespectful to me as a partner and our relationship to assume getting treated like that was ok. Sure, I could see if that was a mistake that happened once or twice a year, many of us have been there -- But when it's most non-work nights, happening again and again. Too much. And that dream was my brain reminding me of that, and how much I hated it. And how miserable I became.
Mxdad - I will be stopping by your thread. My thoughts are with you and what a horrible thing you have just gone through. I and the wonderful folks around are here for support. I think your thread goes to show, there are so many extremes to what this can do to us when our loving relationship is overtaken by the desire for alcohol. Hang in there, take care of your kids which I know you will and thank you for the words of encouragement.
pndm07 - Just in listing those few items I can tell you have romanticized the same as I do. We loved those things we could do together sober and just be happy and live in the moment. Not because we had drugs or alcohol to somehow change our brains while we were doing it -- Our SO's were our drug and we loved that drug. And the romanticizing I guess is the withdrawal talking of the loss of those rare but still joyful moments we could spend together, glimpses of what a "normal life' would be when the thought of the next drink or the next big night out boozing wasn't even a part of the equation. That day just never came. The relapse notion is certainly a scary one, never knowing when it will hit or how hard. From what I have read around here, it has been a real gut punch to some of us.
OhioDad! Thanks for stopping in. Sorry that you are sad too. I get what you mean saying you are "just sad". I thought about it a little bit today. I'm sad because I usually can eventually solve a problem and this one was unsolvable. I realized that I am sad now because they are gone. But then I also realized, if they were back, I'd be sad too, because I'd just be hitting the rewind button to a month ago, and nothing will have changed. At least not long term. I'm sad because I came to terms with the fact that she has no interest in living an alcohol-free life. But what this place has taught me is that, I can forgive her for that, and she has the right to do it, same as I had the right to not want to live with it any more. I get sad because I realize that I am sad that she is gone, but realize that if I waved a magic wand and she was here, I'd be sad too, because I'd be back in the alcohol mess again. I hope you are having a good day sir.
Hopeful - Truth! I'm close. She has been dragging out getting the last of her things and I understand all the reasons behind that. She has committed to finishing up next week. I also know that once she has found a new guy to occupy her time that the contact will cease. I don't initiate contact, and I have stayed available just to help finalize things financially and logistically. It has been the most civil, oddly friendly breakup of my life. It's almost like closing a business deal instead of ending a romantic relationship. Which is sad in a way, but also, less stressful than living with active alcoholism.
I think it’s more about people who want a loving, caring, mutually trusting, family strong - hands on involved partner…………….and most alcoholics don’t fit that build.
I certainly have held onto that rope at times where it went against all reason, and I've dropped the rope and even picked it up again in the past just to find myself back here again and again.
It's true what you say -- If the partner is getting whatever they want out of it, whether it be arm candy, money, or other more physical/visible things, and the actual care, affection, trust, and overall I think the big word I have realized is RESPECT are not there -- We are saying it is basically impossible for an addict or an ex-addict to ever bring those skills to the table. It's a heavy thought (and like I said, perhaps a reason so many alcoholics relapse or fail). To basically infer that an active or a recovering alcoholic is unable to be a complete partner is a tough pill to swallow I think, both for the loving family/partner as well as the alcoholic. It's basically saying, you have an affliction that makes you less than adequate as a partner, and you're going to carry that with you for the rest of your life, no matter what you do.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
I can't add to what has already been said but on the texting thing - I have seen more than a few people that can't communicate well verbally but then let it all out over text. I feel I myself need work in this area too. I have a friend I have maintained a relationship with mostly over text over the past 2 years - our relationship in person is totally different and I don't see him often - but he texts me constantly. How am I doing, how's my weekend, etc. I just realized how warped this is, he's kind of been like a pseudo-boyfriend and I really don't want this false relationship anymore.
I think it's totally normal behavior to hide behind your screen to deliver difficult or intimate messages - but also totally ok if you want more from others you maintain relationships with. I know I do
I think it's totally normal behavior to hide behind your screen to deliver difficult or intimate messages - but also totally ok if you want more from others you maintain relationships with. I know I do
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 99
I remember those super late nights... Mine would come home at 6am because they stayed there drinking after closing the bar. Since I "would have been in bed anyway" she never thought it was a big deal.
I was expected to be fine with that. But god forbid I had a business dinner or a vendor who wanted to grab a drink on a night she was off.
And if it was a weekend she'd want me to stay in bed with her all day. Never mind the yard work, dogs, or anything I wanted to accomplish.
I was expected to be fine with that. But god forbid I had a business dinner or a vendor who wanted to grab a drink on a night she was off.
And if it was a weekend she'd want me to stay in bed with her all day. Never mind the yard work, dogs, or anything I wanted to accomplish.
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