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How long before you felt comfortable to start dating other people?

alcoholics wife

I don't think comfort and ready to date are the same thing. After I left my AXbf, I was comfortable to date afterwards. I ended up meeting another alcoholic who is my now husband. Clearly I was not ready to date as I had to do a lot of work on myself first and therefore it's no coincidence I fell into the arms of another addict

Hangnbyathread

Took me about a year to be ready. A year later and I don't date that much and have NOONE of interest enough to change my status from single. Not gonna settle and not much dating stock in my similar in life place. I don't have kids. I don't smoke. I'm not religious. That cuts out about 95% of the population.

TropicalWinter

I have way too much work to do on myself to even have dating be remotely on my radar.

LifeRecovery

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I hope I am in the minority here but I am multiple years out and don't think I am quite ready to date.

I need to know I will get out of a situation that is not right for me. Until I have that confidence in myself I don't think I should be dating. This is a new skill for me even in non-intimate relationships and I am getting a lot of practice with this in other areas in my life.....

To be clear it is not about trusting someone else, it is about trusting myself regardless of what someone else says, does or wants.

While this has been my longest time NOT dating as an adult I really don't find myself lonely.....I think it has taken me a long time to unpack my stuff and introduce myself to the most important relationship in my life....the one with me, myself and I.

sauerkraut

I've about 8 months out and recently went online just to look around. My therapist suggested it as a way of looking forward rather than focusing on the past, and she was right. I quickly found out that there are a whole lot of men out there in a similar place in life who are apparently looking for someone like me, which was a pleasant surprise.

I'm not ready to get involved with anyone, but I've gone out with 3 of the guys I "met" online and each of them was interesting. It's been a positive experience to meet new people and get out of my usual zone.

firebolt

I started dating within a couple months. Nothing serious, just meeting new people and having fun. I'm almost a year moved out, and 8 months NC, and I am nowhere close to be ready for a full on relationship - i'm still in way selfish mode.. But I'm still having fun dating, practicing saying no, and practicing letting go of the not right ones. Life is good!

LexieCat

I think one isn't ready to date if one has to ask about it.

Just my two cents.

bluebird418

Comfortable? I still have some pretty intense triggers. Its been 3 years and i have been with my bf for a year and a half and he doesnt even drink because i flip out. I dont think that means I cant date though, just that I have issues i need to work through. I think its all dependent on the person, but important to spend some time repairing your emotions. I jumped immediately into a new relationship after my xah and i separated (not the current one), and man was that a bad idea.

Hayfmr

I went out last night and oh my does it feel so good to spend time with a normal person

Wells

My thoughts are very similar to Hangnbyathreads right now, though I am early in.

Last time we broke up I felt like I had to date immediately. All the dates I went on were disasters because I hadn't recovered from the breakup or really reflected at all and I was not a good partner for myself, let alone anyone knew. So it was a disaster.

I'm not planning on putting a clock on it, I figure when I am ready it will happen. But in my early 40s, no kids, not having kids, picky about my needs (I'm not going to just settle for the sake of having someone)...I don't really look at it that optimistically.

That said, I'm fortunate in that while I would certainly prefer to have a girl to share my life with, I won't suffocate if I am alone. I will be fine either way. But I know for sure, I will not rush into dating and will probably just wait for fate to step in rather than try and seek.

Nero427

Absolutely!

I'll probably get a lot of side-eye from the female membership here, but I started looking 3 weeks after separating, dating a month or so after, and seeing someone seriously since then. But I was mentally and emotionally ready to leave over a year ago, so when the time came, there was nothing to hold me back from moving on.

firebolt

Yeah, I'm kind of with you, Nero - I had been grieving the relationship and losing the person I wanted the X to be for a couple years before I actually left. And although I can't imagine seeing someone seriously even now, it's been super fun getting out and doing things with the opposite sex (and hey, my 2 - 3 date break up speech is getting pretty polished )

AnvilheadII

i guess it depends on what you are LOOKING for in the dating scene....

but heck i'm one to talk....when ex#1 left, i went out THAT weekend to a friend's party, cut one out of the herd and had meaningless exuberant sex - couldn't even tell you his name now (32 years ago).

i eventually met the most disastrous BF ever - we had tons of fun and golly he was cute, but it ended in drugs, violence and an eviction.

bit of a crossover there with super wonderful BF and i ping ponged a bit back n forth. he had boyish good looks that just made the cartilage in my knees melt like candle wax. we ended on friendly terms.

good long break with just my best gay buddy - who i was secretly in love with. SIGH. we were BFFs for about 14-15 years.

there was a 2nd husband in there..........

and then i met hank. in the process of us becoming a "thing" i shuttled both ex#2 (divorce) and gay BFF. and ended up addicted to crack, but that is 8+ years behind us now.

so i'd suggest whatever you do.........don't DO any of the above!!!!!!!!!!

Butterfly

Hi expanding for me personally it's when you feel it's the right time, I don't think there is one size fits all answer. For me I started dating after a year after he left but I wasn't ready I was looking for someone to fix me and make me happy. I dated a bit but they were all pretty disasterous, I was too needy, insecure etc. I did learn a lot about myself though and the last guy I really started to notice his manipulative ways but still doubted myself so always reverted back to I'm being too sensitive, reading too much into it my fault you know the story. I eventually ended it and after lots of reflection I know I'm not ready to date I don't even want the hassle of dating right now I'm focusing on me.

Do you feel ready to start dating?? That's the only important question (((((hugs))))

rae145

If I wasn't afraid of rejection (I'm 56) I would do what Anvil head did 32 years ago today. I wasted my youth on that pos!
Just being honest here

Wisconsin

I was another who spent YEARS grieving the loss of my relationship with STBXAH. Two years before I left, he went to another state to work out of town and for the next year we only saw him one weekend every 5-6 weeks. That yearlong period gave me a chance to recover emotionally A LOT, and come back to myself. When he came back for good (a year before I ultimately left), it only took a few weeks for me to know that it was time to go. It took another year for me to get my finances in order and to get my heart right with leaving, but by the time I actually left, the marriage had been over in my mind for a long time. When I left, it had been three years since we slept in the same bedroom. There had been zero intimacy (emotional or otherwise) for over two years.

I have a wonderful girlfriend who is a perennial bachelorette, and she really encouraged me to try to get out there after I left. Not for anything serious...just for some fun, light-hearted interaction. I finally agreed, and after a couple of "meet and greets" that were off the mark, I met my gentleman friend a month or so after I moved out. The whole thing started off as just someone fun and interesting to spend time with, and over many months it has blossomed into something wonderful. He has been very respectful of my boundaries and my issues, and my desire to proceed very cautiously and slowly during the first six months or so of our relationship. That respect and understanding made it so much easier for me to trust him and start to let my guard down little by little.

So, it was not long at all after I actually moved out that I "got back out there." I did so, though, with a view toward widening my social circle and ending my isolation (not so much toward jumping into a new, serious relationship). This is so much something that is incredibly variable from person to person. I think one of the most important things you can do is keep a very close eye on your own motivation. Yes, it's important to have your radar tuned to extra-sensitive when it comes to potential romantic partners, but it's also so, so important to make sure you are honest with yourself about what you are looking for, and why you are looking for it.

Ladybird579

I wasn't ready until the right man came along. I've been divorced nearly 2 years now and separated since 2009 but it wasn't until I met my b/friend who has now moved to Europe I realised I was ready. So much so I am learning German and planning a future with him at some point when my boys are a bit older. After he left I realised I couldn't be without him. I've just come back from visiting him over there and plan another trip soon.

I really never saw it coming. I had no intention of falling in love ever again and didn't think I was capable but I just did. It took him leaving for me to admit it to myself. I was a complete mess and was crying in the bathroom at work. He respects me, knows my boundaries and I trust him implicitly. I can be myself with him and he's seen me at my absolute worst and I have him too and we love and support each other. I've no idea how we are going to work things out but we are going to try.

healthyagain

I am for sure off the market for a year. Then after the year is up. I'll see how I feel about it and if I have any dilemmas and fears. If yes, I'll deal with those fears and dilemmas first. But I will not push myself to date.

lizatola

I was ready relatively quickly because I grieved my marriage while I was in the process of leaving mentally and emotionally for 3 years before I actually filed the divorce papers. I spent that time focusing on my program, recovery, learning how to save money and build credit for myself, etc.

Early on, I was just looking for sex and a cute guy. After a few guys came and went (one was hanging on but he was emotionally a mess and we just had a FWB thing going on) I met my current bf. We've been together for 16 months now, living together with our kids for 2 months as well. things are good, but I'm still codependent crazy at times. I realized that I had to take me with me no matter who I was with and that's where a lot of growth, which still continues, came from.

I actually regret hitting the dating scene so fast, to be honest. But, at the same time, I'm so grateful I have my bf and his girls in my life, too. I've just been through a lot of change in the past few years and now it just keeps changing. I feel like I tried to do too much in a short period of time but I'm enjoying the ride.