How to offer support without getting sucked back in
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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How to offer support without getting sucked back in
Found out that one of axbf's closest friends was diagnosed with cancer. How do I offer support without being codependent or getting sucked back in?
I am upset by this news myself... I've known him for just as long as axbf.... we supported him through some really tough times... it just sucks so bad.
I worry that axbf is going to drink more.
I'm sure the vets here know exactly the problem this poses to my ex and to myself... I just don't know what to do... I want to be there but I am not sure I know how in a healthy way...
I am upset by this news myself... I've known him for just as long as axbf.... we supported him through some really tough times... it just sucks so bad.
I worry that axbf is going to drink more.
I'm sure the vets here know exactly the problem this poses to my ex and to myself... I just don't know what to do... I want to be there but I am not sure I know how in a healthy way...
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
This one is a no-brainer to me: the friend who received the diagnosis is the one who needs my support - not my Ex.
I reach out & offer that person support & let my Ex manage his own feelings on his own - especially if I'm trying to stay Limited/No Contact. Truth is, this is probably the first of many times he'll have to deal with difficult news going forward - and the last thing I want to do is establish myself as his Go-To Support. Why enmesh myself in his discomfort? Where does THAT end once that door is opened again?
I reach out & offer that person support & let my Ex manage his own feelings on his own - especially if I'm trying to stay Limited/No Contact. Truth is, this is probably the first of many times he'll have to deal with difficult news going forward - and the last thing I want to do is establish myself as his Go-To Support. Why enmesh myself in his discomfort? Where does THAT end once that door is opened again?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Firesprite said exactly what I was going to say. If the guy is YOUR friend, support him. What your ex does with the news is his problem. Part of recovery is learning to manage difficult emotions. I know people who had children die in early sobriety, and they stayed sober--because they got support from the appropriate people: other recovering/recovered alcoholics.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Expanding 
I went directly into that default "rescuing" mode. You are right of course, the ex needs to manage his own feelings and the support needs to go to the friend, not the ex.
The victory here is that you slowed down to THINK about it before REACTING. WIN!!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 53
Think about yourself OP. I know it's hard I'm going through it. I found myself getting sucked back in when I shouldn't have and now I regret it. But I am done this time. I have ceased all contact. I got rid of the stuff he left in my house and I changed my number. It's hard because I love him but I know he don't love me. He loves himself and alcohol and I know my life will be miserable with him.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
LexieCat sums it up best. Is he YOUR friend and your ex's situation to deal with.
The bf has unrealistic expectations if he feels anyone is obligated to immerse themselves in their issues. From what I've seen over the years one of the primary goals from recovery is independence which means one is going to have deal with issues on their own. Everything does not become a family or peer issue.
The bf has unrealistic expectations if he feels anyone is obligated to immerse themselves in their issues. From what I've seen over the years one of the primary goals from recovery is independence which means one is going to have deal with issues on their own. Everything does not become a family or peer issue.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by FireSprite
This one is a no-brainer to me: the friend who received the diagnosis is the one who needs my support - not my Ex.
I reach out & offer that person support & let my Ex manage his own feelings on his own - especially if I'm trying to stay Limited/No Contact. Truth is, this is probably the first of many times he'll have to deal with difficult news going forward - and the last thing I want to do is establish myself as his Go-To Support. Why enmesh myself in his discomfort? Where does THAT end once that door is opened again?
I reach out & offer that person support & let my Ex manage his own feelings on his own - especially if I'm trying to stay Limited/No Contact. Truth is, this is probably the first of many times he'll have to deal with difficult news going forward - and the last thing I want to do is establish myself as his Go-To Support. Why enmesh myself in his discomfort? Where does THAT end once that door is opened again?
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