Hi everyone...remember me?
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Hi everyone...remember me?
Hi everyone...it's me, Lightning Bug. Hope you are all well. I have a great update. I just got out of a 30 day residential rehab... and it literally changed my life.
Remember when I stopped drinking in April when I dove headfirst into a toilet and cracked my noggin? Well I went into a dry drunk mode. Stopped drinking and benzos but didn't change my thinking or behavior. Well I relapsed on June 27th, first Klonopin and then drinking. All in one night. I woke up 3 days later and came to the realization that I couldn't stop on my own. So I packed a bag and went to detox and rehab.
Best. Decision. Ever. I can't believe I resisted so long. I learned so much. I was in 8 hours of groups and classes a day. I thought before that rehab was for serious addicts, illegal drugs like Meth or Heroin. I was consumed with the thought that I was different because it was just wine and doctor prescribed low dose meds. I have never been so wrong. I met so many people that I related to, people who live completely different lives than me, yet have the same core problem. Addiction. Addiction puts us all on the same playing field. These people became my friends. We sat side by side and grew strong together. I will never forget any of them.
Rehab to me was more than learning to give up the alcohol or drugs. It was also a school in life management. I had classes on spirituality (I have found my higher power!), learned time management, stress management, acquired new coping skills, developed knowledge about medical issues related to abuse, etc etc. But more importantly I rediscovered myself. I lived my life at the bottom of a grave and through rehab I have started to dig myself out.
I remember vividly the moment I surrendered. I was up at 5 am one morning gazing out on the campus. I achieved mindfulness that morning. I was mentally and emotionally open and free to accept the serenity offered with sobriety. I felt connected to the earth, the sky, my mind, body and soul. I have never felt that before. I have been agnostic most of my life, but I felt a cosmic connection that can only come from God. I came to believe in God that morning and I turned over all my past failures, my personal defects, and my hatred of myself to him and humbly asked for help in finding my way.
Since then I have had a peace in me that I could never find in alcohol or drugs. I felt hope - a feeling that has eluded me for so long. I gave up the obsessions, the desires, the need the hide from life. Suddenly I was alive.
How freaking amazing is that? All I want to do is tell all of you who are considering inpatient to drop everything and just go. Let go of your resistance and try it. It could save your life. It saved mine.
I start an evening IOP program on Monday. I will have group three hours in the evening three days a week. I wish it was more. Between IOP, AA meetings and this website I feel like I am armed with the tools I need to live my life clean and sober. How beautiful is that?
I love the changes in me. Finally I can be the woman I have always wanted to be. Strong, empowered, and in tune with what life is really about.
I feel blessed that I was able to do this. It was the best gift I could give myself. My life is more precious to me and I will work hard to never again drown myself in pills or booze.
Thanks for reading this. If anyone is interested and would like to know more about my experience, please PM me.
Bug
Remember when I stopped drinking in April when I dove headfirst into a toilet and cracked my noggin? Well I went into a dry drunk mode. Stopped drinking and benzos but didn't change my thinking or behavior. Well I relapsed on June 27th, first Klonopin and then drinking. All in one night. I woke up 3 days later and came to the realization that I couldn't stop on my own. So I packed a bag and went to detox and rehab.
Best. Decision. Ever. I can't believe I resisted so long. I learned so much. I was in 8 hours of groups and classes a day. I thought before that rehab was for serious addicts, illegal drugs like Meth or Heroin. I was consumed with the thought that I was different because it was just wine and doctor prescribed low dose meds. I have never been so wrong. I met so many people that I related to, people who live completely different lives than me, yet have the same core problem. Addiction. Addiction puts us all on the same playing field. These people became my friends. We sat side by side and grew strong together. I will never forget any of them.
Rehab to me was more than learning to give up the alcohol or drugs. It was also a school in life management. I had classes on spirituality (I have found my higher power!), learned time management, stress management, acquired new coping skills, developed knowledge about medical issues related to abuse, etc etc. But more importantly I rediscovered myself. I lived my life at the bottom of a grave and through rehab I have started to dig myself out.
I remember vividly the moment I surrendered. I was up at 5 am one morning gazing out on the campus. I achieved mindfulness that morning. I was mentally and emotionally open and free to accept the serenity offered with sobriety. I felt connected to the earth, the sky, my mind, body and soul. I have never felt that before. I have been agnostic most of my life, but I felt a cosmic connection that can only come from God. I came to believe in God that morning and I turned over all my past failures, my personal defects, and my hatred of myself to him and humbly asked for help in finding my way.
Since then I have had a peace in me that I could never find in alcohol or drugs. I felt hope - a feeling that has eluded me for so long. I gave up the obsessions, the desires, the need the hide from life. Suddenly I was alive.
How freaking amazing is that? All I want to do is tell all of you who are considering inpatient to drop everything and just go. Let go of your resistance and try it. It could save your life. It saved mine.
I start an evening IOP program on Monday. I will have group three hours in the evening three days a week. I wish it was more. Between IOP, AA meetings and this website I feel like I am armed with the tools I need to live my life clean and sober. How beautiful is that?
I love the changes in me. Finally I can be the woman I have always wanted to be. Strong, empowered, and in tune with what life is really about.
I feel blessed that I was able to do this. It was the best gift I could give myself. My life is more precious to me and I will work hard to never again drown myself in pills or booze.
Thanks for reading this. If anyone is interested and would like to know more about my experience, please PM me.
Bug
Thanks for filling us in on what happened. You sound great - positive, free, and ready to have a whole new life.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
It is so good to be back here. During my dry drunk months I was so obsessed with crossing off dates on my clean days calendar that I lost focus on the actual work that needed to be done. I was sober but I was miserable. I stopped posting because I was self absorbed and wallowing in self pity. I don't know how I white knuckled it so long but I do know I was never truly sober. Today I have 30 days and these thirty days mean more than any clean time I ever had.
Bug
Bug
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
What an amazing post. Isn't it amazing when we finally have that moment of clarity- a moment of self acceptance, self love, self worth, empowerment?!
Keep moving forward, so happy you are truly embracing your recovery! Continue to move forward- you sound like you are moving in a positive direction and refusing to look back!
Keep moving forward, so happy you are truly embracing your recovery! Continue to move forward- you sound like you are moving in a positive direction and refusing to look back!
Keep going, it gets better. 
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
I am very confident in my aftercare plan but I have to tell you, I was overwhelmed with anxiety when I got home today. In 30 days I had developed a very strict routine. I got up at the same time everyday. Ate meals at the same time. Had 8 hours of group therapy everyday seven days a week. My idle time was very structured. I came home and my routine was in the toilet. My anxiety was thrown into overdrive when I reassumed my role as wife and mother. I didn't go to a meeting, instead I tried this site. This made my husband jealous and angry that I was on a message board when I should have been present with him. I tried to explain that reading and posting here was taking place of a meeting - something I desperately needed - but he felt hurt and abandoned. We had a fight and it overwhelmed me. With my routine gone I felt lost. With no other addicts to talk to I felt alone. I don't want to hurt my husband but recovery doesn't just end when you leave rehab. Work still has to be done.
So tomorrow I am going to make a daily plan and carve out times to devote to recovery. Reading the Big Book, posting here and going to a meeting. With dedicated time I will be able to do what I have to do but with the expectation of being Mom and Wife during the rest of the time. I am also going to bring my rehab schedule into my household and schedule meal times and med times and bed times. It will be good for my kids to have a routine going forward. We have been flying by the seat of out pants for way too long now.
So tomorrow I am going to make a daily plan and carve out times to devote to recovery. Reading the Big Book, posting here and going to a meeting. With dedicated time I will be able to do what I have to do but with the expectation of being Mom and Wife during the rest of the time. I am also going to bring my rehab schedule into my household and schedule meal times and med times and bed times. It will be good for my kids to have a routine going forward. We have been flying by the seat of out pants for way too long now.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
It really did. I resisted for so long and regret not doing it sooner. I wasted too many years in a cycle of addiction. Now I have put a major dent in that cycle and have sent it off course.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by earthsteps 
It really did. I resisted for so long and regret not doing it sooner. I wasted too many years in a cycle of addiction. Now I have put a major dent in that cycle and have sent it off course.
Congratulations. Do get to work making a schedule and working on a plan for now that you are home. It is hard the first few days and weeks after coming out of such a structured environment where you are so cared for- you now have to structure things yourself and take care of yourself. You can do this! I am so happy for you!
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Mera,
I followed your epic post detailing your rehab stay and it was inspiring to me. I had so many excuses ready as to why I couldn't go to rehab. Nobody could take my place at work (I selfishly believed that work couldn't survive without me), I couldn't leave my children without a mother for thirty days (even though I rarely spent time with them when I isolated myself at home). My husband couldn't survive without me (even though I rejected his love and our marriage over and over again). My household couldn't run without me (even though my house was always in disarray, laundry always piled up, bills were ignored). I didn't have the money and insurance wouldn't cover it (like I ever bothered to look up my coverage). Turns out I was wrong. Work got done, kids were taken care of, husband managed fine, household ran smoothly, insurance covered all but 3k). What it came down to is a simple fact. I did not, until June 27th, admit that I couldn't save myself. I believed that I could handle it all by myself. On that day, coming off an alcohol and benzo deadly cocktail that rendered me comatose for three days, I finally admitted I needed help. I made a few simple phone calls in the early afternoon and by 8PM I was in detox.
Looking back I feel stupid, foolish, and ashamed that I spent so long resisting inpatient. Every day I was closer to death and still I believed my problem wasn't serious enough for rehab. I wasn't sick enough. I was sick alright. But my denial was like thick black smoke in a burning building. I couldn't see to find my way to the light. It took a final bender that could have ended my life to see the truth. I may have got to the party later than I should of, but dammit I got there and I tore down that roof!
Forward thinking for me now. No regrets. Regrets will just eat me up and risk a relapse. The time for relapses is over and only firm dedication to sobriety is before me.
Bug
I followed your epic post detailing your rehab stay and it was inspiring to me. I had so many excuses ready as to why I couldn't go to rehab. Nobody could take my place at work (I selfishly believed that work couldn't survive without me), I couldn't leave my children without a mother for thirty days (even though I rarely spent time with them when I isolated myself at home). My husband couldn't survive without me (even though I rejected his love and our marriage over and over again). My household couldn't run without me (even though my house was always in disarray, laundry always piled up, bills were ignored). I didn't have the money and insurance wouldn't cover it (like I ever bothered to look up my coverage). Turns out I was wrong. Work got done, kids were taken care of, husband managed fine, household ran smoothly, insurance covered all but 3k). What it came down to is a simple fact. I did not, until June 27th, admit that I couldn't save myself. I believed that I could handle it all by myself. On that day, coming off an alcohol and benzo deadly cocktail that rendered me comatose for three days, I finally admitted I needed help. I made a few simple phone calls in the early afternoon and by 8PM I was in detox.
Looking back I feel stupid, foolish, and ashamed that I spent so long resisting inpatient. Every day I was closer to death and still I believed my problem wasn't serious enough for rehab. I wasn't sick enough. I was sick alright. But my denial was like thick black smoke in a burning building. I couldn't see to find my way to the light. It took a final bender that could have ended my life to see the truth. I may have got to the party later than I should of, but dammit I got there and I tore down that roof!
Forward thinking for me now. No regrets. Regrets will just eat me up and risk a relapse. The time for relapses is over and only firm dedication to sobriety is before me.
Bug
The road goes on forever
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 1,107
Good stuff!
Congrats on what you have done to get your life back!
Thank you for this thread too. Your clarity is amazing and inspiring. Although, I prob wont be going to rehab (yet). I am going to try and do this on my own.
I am on day 6 for the 3rd time this year. I managed to do 60 days sober 2X so far this year.
I like what I am reading... Seams that the rehab center got you in the proper "space" to move forward. I will be reading more of your posts.
Congrats on what you have done to get your life back!
Thank you for this thread too. Your clarity is amazing and inspiring. Although, I prob wont be going to rehab (yet). I am going to try and do this on my own.
I am on day 6 for the 3rd time this year. I managed to do 60 days sober 2X so far this year.
I like what I am reading... Seams that the rehab center got you in the proper "space" to move forward. I will be reading more of your posts.
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