Poppet35

I think I need just a little bit of kindness.

I may have mentioned my oh wants to quit smoking - well D-day is Monday. I am determined to support her and make those first few days as easy on her as I can.

Yesterday was a funny day. She's bought me a bicycle - collecting it on Tuesday - which is really lovely but you know what I really want? A cuddle, a touch, a smile, a kiss, her to look at me.

Last night I asked her if I was being too much, being loving and touchy etc and she said she needs some relaxation and peace to get ready for Monday. She told me "please don't be disheartened and get offended by me, I have my mind on other things. Don't start thinking you can't get anything right, don't do that to yourself".

Few hours later I nodded off whilst we were watching something and before I know it she seems to be annoyed with me. She climbed into bed, turned light off and...nothing. If I hadn't said goodnight she wouldn't have said a word to me. It took me hours to get to sleep. I don't understand.

Thinking about it, I've been very tactile and loving. She's not touched me once, not kissed me, she sometimes barely responds when I speak, currently I get absolutely nothing. When I wrap my arms around her, there is nothing from her.

She wants me to support her with stopping smoking and I will, but it is so difficult coming from such shaky foundations. There's nothing holding me up.

Last Wednesday she met up with an old old friend of hers (also an ex) I'm ok about it there's nothing going on. I trust her. But that has opened a pandoras box of loveliness for my partner and she's questioning her actions back when they were together, feeling shame that she hurt this person and is worried she can't remember any of it. (She was caught in a violent relationship with someone else at the time - this other girl was a distraction). We talked for hours when she got back about it all and I think all that is weighing heavily on her.

I'm struggling, I want to support her and I will. I'm finding it hard as I feel neglected.

CentralOhioDad

Good afternoon, Poppet (at least in your time zone!) I'm sorry for what you are going through, and I hope you can find a bit of happiness and sunshine.

However, I have to ask - what are you getting from this relationship, or living arrangement? It seems like constant giving on your part, constant peace-making on your part, constant focus on HER. You give, and you give, and she takes and she takes, and gives nothing back. I'm sad for you. You're loving and tactile, she's cold and non-touchy. Is this bringing you any joy?

Now once again, the ENTIRE focus this weekend is her 'preparing' to quit smoking - she hasn't even gotten to the day yet, and yet the whole house is 'on alert', and walking on eggshells. You don't even know if she will follow through.

My dear, I think, I KNOW, that you deserve more, and better than what you are getting. Please dig deep and go find that happiness - because it isn't going to be in your current situation.

Peace to you, love.

COD

maia1234

P,
Glad to see you are still with us!!! We are all here to send kindness your way. You are so thoughtful, compassionate, courageous, tolerant, gentle, considerate, affectionate and loving. You deserve some one who will put you on a pedestal and appreciate all the kind things you do. You are a loving and thoughtful mom and spouse. Please stop questioning that you are not good enough. My "next" significant other will have your "qualities".

One day you will have to accept the fact that you will never get the respect you deserve from your partner. Never. Addicts are incapable of that. Once a week you come on because she has beaten you down to nothing. You come back, we validate you and build you up. You are so worth more then what she is throwing you. I know one day you will pop on here and tell us that you are worth so much more and that you finally have the courage to move forward. That you are LOVABLE!! We all know that from the first day you posted.

We are always happy to "recharge" your batteries so you can move forward and be the best mom you can be. That is truly our one blessing living and dealing with our addicts. Sending Hugs and Love to you Poppet!!

hopeful4

Big hugs Poppet! You deserve more than this. Good to hear from you!

dandylion

Poppet....you didn't cause it...you can't control it...and, you can't fix it......

dandylion

Poppet35

Thank you for just being out there and kind. I feel a bit pathetic today but I'm doing my best to keep myself up.

Because of how things are our togetherness is strained. I want to get back the intimacy that we both miss so much. She is finding it hard and uncomfortable when I make overtures in that area. It's hard not to feel disheartened when she isn't interested even though I know (as she has said) she desperately misses that between us.

I keep remembering how she said she wants to fancy me again, to love me again. I want that too. I look at her and I love her, I want her arms wrapped around me.

I want her to be able to quit smoking and I will do my damndest to support her. I am fearful of her trying again, as each time when things have gone awry I've taken the blame. I hope the coldness thaws and that she sees how much I'm trying to help her. She's being fine today but there is an edge, a distance that I cannot cross.

I want her to reach out and touch me. I want her to look at me and feel love again.

dandylion

Poppet....I am sure that you want that as a reassurance that the relationship is still solid.....I don't see that desire as abnormal...
It, typically, happens in healthy relationships....people connect..reconnect....and feel reassured, and go forth....(until next time...lol)....

but, Popett....it appears that your partner has such issues,,,or demons....that render her unavailable to you.....
Of course, I don't know what kind of help (if any) that she is getting, if any.....

If she is requesting intimate distance from you...I don't see that you have any other choice, within the relationship, but to give it.....(no means no)......
bugging and begging only makes everything worse!

And, I do think that all of these demands and preparations to quit smoking are a bit beyond the pale....really!.....they sound like excuses to cover over other things......

I think that, for you, you have to decide how long you want or are willing to live in a relationship like this......
Perhaps you will need more help in accepting the reality of the relationship....even in spite of what you want.....
We don't always get what we want...no matter how bad we want it.....

so sorry.....

dandylion

hopeful4

Poppet...I am going to say this, and I say it gently because I know this hurts.

Sometimes, no matter how much you want to, you just cannot get back that loving feeling with another person. I am an extremely guarded person now, and I don't really know I will ever be in a relationship again, or be able to. I am uncomfortable showing love like that to another person. I may be this way forever, I don't know.

I am super loving with my children, and my family. However, when it comes to having a partner, sometimes once you lose that feeling for someone you just cannot get it back, no matter how much you try. That may be where she is at. She may even want to be that person....and cannot.

You however are in charge of you. It seems like your happiness depends so much on her behavior. I think you need to find out what makes YOU happy, because you deserve that.

Hugs.

SparkleKitty

Poppet, you can have everything you want in a relationship.

But as long as you limit yourself to only believing you can or should have it with this person, your happiness and fulfillment will always depend on someone else, and that is a very uncertain and unhealthy place to exist.

You've heard a lot of words from her. What actions have you seen that prove she wants to change?

CentralOhioDad

It seems like your happiness depends so much on her behavior. I think you need to find out what makes YOU happy, because you deserve that.

YES! This

Ariesagain

So she's terribly worried about her actions in a former relationship and will talk about that for hours, but you have to go to an online forum to get "a bit of kindness"?

You do realize that while she's "quitting smoking," it's going to be worse, right?

Poppet35

Yes I do, she's tried before, that's part of my fear because I have to be strong to deal with things and understand its the cravings not something I've done.

Ariesagain

It's never something you've done. She always has the choice as to how she reacts or responds to anything. She seems to react to most things by drinking and being actively or passively abusive to you.

I hope some day you'll come to understand how much living with her whims and addictions has brainwashed your thinking. You deserve happiness.

dandylion

Poppet...back in May, you mentioned that you had started to see a therapist...but, decided to quit because you felt that you had "begun to be in charge of your self and your feelings".....
do you see any value in starting back with your therapist...?
At that time, you had begun to read some co-dependency literature...and felt that some of it was resignating with you.....I wonder if you are still continuing to read...?

I can only imagine that living in this state of anxiety and tension for such a l o ng time must render you nearly exhausted!
Caring for children in this kind of atmosphere must be really hard, also.....
The effects have to be bleeding over onto them, also......

Love is simply not supposed to feel this bad all the time...
We were put on this earth to live our best life and to thrive....al living things were meant to thrive....
There is a difference in thriving and just existing....

You said, back in April and May that she was wanting to end the relationship and you were trying to prevent that....
do you think that still applies, now...?

dandylion

AnvilheadII

poppet - what if.......you do NOTHING. what if you let HER deal with HER decision to quit smoking.

can you do that? can you NOT try to FIX it? can you allow her to be exactly how she chooses to be and understand that she owns that and not you?

you have to start somewhere. or live forever trapped in this codependent dance trying to turn yourself into someone you are not and never EVER becoming what she wants. and understand that she will NEVER be what YOU want her to be.

you are each who you are. NOW.

meanwhile, you have children that need ALL your time and attention. they need a role model of what an adult looks like.....

Poppet35

Dandy lion - i think I was kidding myself that I was in charge of myself, I felt better I didn't feel like I needed a therapist. All I did was talk about how crap my relationship is. My mind is turning towards thoughts of seeing someone again
I've started reading co dependancy literature again - i don't want to be that anymore. I never was in my previous relationship.
She's confusing because over the last few days she has withdrawn so much from me ( whipping her hand away when I moved to hold it whilst walking, sleeping as far away from me as possible in bed) but at the same time is buying me a bicycle, talking about Christmas and decorating house. It's mind baffling.

We went for a walk yesterday and all I could think was "I can't wait for today to be over" and then I thought "wow, that is just awful you feel like that".

Anvil head - i am taking your advice. I'm letting her be this person she is currently, I'm not fixing, I'm not cajoling, I'm not checking if it's something I've done and I feel a little lighter for it. Thank you

Thank you to everyone's words of support. This is the worst in a long time.

PuzzledHeart

Poppet, one of the things that I found utterly confusing was when my abuser would berate me then five minutes later she would be sweet as pie. I got whiplash trying to understand her mood from one minute to the next.

I strongly suspect that she did that so I wouldn't tell my parents what was going on. These nice moments with your partner - she's doing the absolutely bare minimum to make you stay. She's coasting on your desire to have a loving relationship, while she does nothing but make promises.

I think she may realize that without you she loses much of the emotional babysitting that has propped her up these past years. So she does as little as possible, she emotionally invests as little as possible, and doesn't give of herself while you do all the heavy lifting. So she gets to detach from you without losing all the benefits.

Yes she's given you a bicycle, but the price for that bicycle is an abusive relationship with her. She makes promises of a nice Christmas, but you have to put up with months/ years of emotional coldness for the possibility of MAYBE having one or two good days? You need more than a bicycle to make a thriving partnership, and this is coming from somebody who can spend all day in a bike store!

You're too good for this. Yesterday I was thinking about you and thought to myself, "If I was stuck on a desert island, I would want Poppet with me because that woman never gives up." You have so much love that shines through that you practically have an SR team supporting you every inch of the way. Speaking for myself, I'm so glad when you post because it means you're still here but I'm so sad that you feel so alone. It makes me sad to know that your partner doesn't recognize and actively value what she has, when it so glaringly obvious to every one else.

maia1234

P,
I agree with puzzled heart, we all love u here on sr. We are all rooting for you to find peace and happiness in your life, If that is with your partner or not. One day the light bulb will go off when you realize you want something from some one that is virtually impossible to attain. You want love and respect from your addict. Hon, she doesn't love herself, she can not possibly love you. Addicts just can't do it.

We do love you, we respect you, we listen to you, we are here for you, always!! Stick with us poppet, we've got your back!!!! Sending hugs my friend.

Poppet35

I've never smoked. Is it really so desperately mind consuming that you need to completely ignore your partner and treat them with such cold disdain. She said her stopping smoking book said she had to be selfish about her needs when She's preparing to stop. But this is horrible, it's like she's totally checked out from me. I've backed off, not trying to fix her or it but the coldness is burning a hole in me.
She said not to be offended by her she has lots on her mind but does she really have no idea how her coldness is affecting me. I am trying desperately to ignore it, look past it, offer support (that she's currently tossing aside) but my goodness.
Apparently stopping is not going to happen on Monday now, she has too much of her book to read. This could go on for days.
This is why her previous attempts have failed, shes behaved horribly and when I've broken down she's said I have to make everything about me. All I've wanted to do is support her, but why would I want to when she's treating like something she trod in or frankly don't exist.

It's her birthday a week today.

I may be blowing this into something it's not and she'll be her old self and I'll have worried for nothing but she is hurting me so much with her coldness and disdain. I'm going to keep being loving and myself.

I keep saying how her behaviour is affecting me. Am I making this about myself once again? Am I the selfish one worrying about the space she's taking? Am I the one making this into a problem?

dandylion

Poppet.....this reminds me of the saying that we have around here...."Going to the hardware store expecting to buy fresh baked bread".

Also, the saying: "don't expect the one that hurt you to be the one that heals you".

I am just spit ballin" here, but, do you think that the relationship with the other person has raised it's head again...?

dandylion