Wicket

My first drink after 5 months sober was 1 month, 17 days ago. I was okay at first. Actually, not really. The first day I said I would have one drink, and go back to day one. My fiance (Yes, he's my fiance now, if you recognize me and I previously said boyfriend).. anyway he agreed to that. He trusted me. In the back of my head I knew that wouldn't happen. After that one drink, I started bargaining in that same day, saying that two wouldn't kill me because it was just this one day. Then three. Then I was saying that I would have one every other weekend. Then some other excuses. I was trying to find a "drinking plan" that would be "safe" and non-intrusive and wouldn't cause a problem in every day life. I realize now that I was trying to go back to a functioning alcoholic. IF YOU ARE IN THE EARLY STAGES OF SOBRIETY - EVEN SOBER 5 MONTHS AND YOU THINK YOU'RE SAFE - DO NOT THINK YOU CAN CASUALLY DRINK. IT DOES NOT WORK. I am now back to the same point I was before I got sober in January. Except I'm hiding it completely. I feel awful. And I'm drunk right now. It doesn't solve a single thing. Everything's still there, I'm just more sad or ignorant about everything, depending on how I think at any given second.

I'm only 23 years old. I have a lot ahead of me if I don't screw it up. I recently got engaged (4 days ago!) and I just bought a new car (2 days ago!) so there is a lot going on, aside from my regular anxiety and depression. But I need to shape up. August 1st is coming up, I could stop then. I could rack up those sober days and feel proud of myself again. I could feel healthier and not get angry at something as small as breathing noises. But in the back of my mind, I feel like I'm always going to fail. I know that I won't fail if I just stick to it, blah blah blah. But I just need to find the motivation again. When I got sober in January, I was kinda forced into it. Every milestone I hit, I was so proud of myself, but the "excitement" of fighting through sobriety wore off, and I gave in. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel no self-worth and I just want to ride it out until it's over. But I know I need to stop slowly killing myself. I need to stop drinking, or else I won't get married, probably lose my job, and be a potato for the rest of my life. I can't do this. Why does this addiction crap have to exist?

Dee74

If you stop drinking, I'll guarantee you'll find your motivation Wicket.

Waiting until you get the motivation before you quit is AV 101, really

It loves for us to put things off, especially if we can convince ourselves we're 'doing something for our recovery' by waiting for something to happen...

You have some very good reasons there not to drink

D

keeppushing

First, congratulations on getting engaged! Second, don't beat yourself up. I went exactly 6 months sober before I decided to have a celebratory dinner. Beating myself up did not help at all.

Good luck!

KP

Linz805

Those last few things that you listed you might lose if you don't quit drinking, well hold on to those thoughts because that may actually happen and you do not want that! Alcohol is not worth it. I'm still new in sobriety and I hold on to the thought it WILL get better but we must not give up before the miracle happens.

Wicket

Even though I messed up, I can promise you that it does get better. I was so much happier sober. Everything was so much easier. Life in general was easier. Please stick to it, as it is worth it. My lapse of judgement caused me to fall backward, and there is a reason I came back to SR. I miss being sober. Failing on your sobriety is a waste of time, and you will miss your time being clear-headed and PRESENT in your own life.

Linz805

Well you can have that feeling back, just take it one day at a time. This is a long journey but one we can excel at. I will keep you in my thoughts and am here to support you

Delilah1

Hi Wicket,

I'm glad you are back and posting. Check in with us in the January class, or join the July or August class. You will find great support in all.

I have made the mistake of thinking I could have one or two drinks in the past, and ended up exactly where you are. Start fresh tomorrow, day one, you've got this!

❤️ Delilah

Gottalife

I stopped drinking 3 months before my 23rd birthday, and my 23rd birthday present seems to have been permanent recovery from alcoholism. Life had certainly taken on new meaning by that time.

But, it didn't just fall in my lap. It took every bit of willingness and honesty I could muster, an open mind, and I had to do some things I didn't want to do and had hoped to avoid.

It wasn't comfortable or easy, but it was simple enough for some one as stupified as me to manage. And it was so worth it.