How far is rock bottom?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 1
How far is rock bottom?
Oh man where do I start? I'm not sure if I should post here but, oh well guess I'll get this all figured out. Anyways, a little about me. I'm a 21 year old guy in the Military. I started drinking about a year into my career. I remember how I felt when I drank a couple of beers in high school or whatever so I was like whatever more is better right? I drank to cope, I drank because it was a nice day, I drank because it was a bad day. Whatever, it didn't matter I drank because I was/am an alcoholic. I had been steadily drinking more and more until it got to the point I wasn't drinking socially, I was alone usually with two bottles just to sleep. I hated myself I became depressed, self loathing, and suicidal. I hated my life I wanted nothing more in the beginning to serve my country. I've seen some **** and done some **** I don't want to remember. I needed something to help me forget alcohol helped.
Fast forwarding 2 years later and a couple of months after my 20th birthday, I decided I wasn't going to wait for my 21st I procured a fake id and started drinking on bars and clubs. It was nice I wasn't drinking alone anymore so I wasn't a an alcoholic anymore right? Right?... Usually more often than not I was carried/thrown out of a bar with my address written in sharpie on my hand for some random cabbie to take me home. My life was a mess, my relationships with all but two close friends were gone, my girlfriend had left me due to my drinking, and my fellow service members saw me as nothing more than a sad, broken dude with a penchant for anger and hard partying. I was passed over for promotions, leadership opportunities, and basic unit functions solely for the fact that I would be drunk usually. I knew that wasn't how I wanted to live my life but, at the same time drinking made all of the s*** go away. It was amazing, exhilarating, and saddening. All at the same time. But, still I continued to drink.
My first rock bottom came in March when I was arrested for a bar fight, as the story goes I had blacked out in the bar after one too many drinks, had talked some smack to another bar patron and had gotten into a pretty decent fight. After that, the cops were called, they dinged me up pretty good, and then I was arrested. I don't have much memory of that night but, I do remember smashing my face against the walls, doors, and little plexiglass window of the cell. The next morning I woke up with a broken nose, dried up blood all over me and several bruises. A buddy paid my bail and I was ordered to not drink until the completion of my trial where I was being charged for assault. I bought a bottle that very night and drank till I passed out. This time my last friend who actually tolerated me found me facedown in vomit, cleaned me up, and alerted my chain of command to send me to Rehab. I found out all of those and sent him a long text telling him how much I hated him and how he was no different from anyone else. I wanted to drink myself into such a deep sleep that I never woke up again. Why couldn't he understand that? His reply to me was so eye opening to my problems. He told me that he valued our friendship but, my life choices and decisions were not good for me or anyone around me. As my friend, he felt I should know this. He told me he would help me out once I finished rehab but, he could not be around me for a while. That was it, I had lost the last person in the world he gave a **** about me. I was alone and angry at the world.
Upon completion of rehab, I went back to my unit I stayed clean for three months. I worked the steps and made it to my 4th, I had a sponsor, a home group, and a service position. Things were finally looking up, I felt great! So great that I decided to pop a few beers, just a few wouldn't hurt. So I thought, I backed out (no suprise there) and woke up with 10 minutes to get sober, get dressed, and get to work. I have never been late to work, ever. Even with all of my drinking. I came into work 30 minutes late with my breath reeking of alcohol. I was punished under the military Justice system. I picked up an AWOL charge, and a direct disobedience to a lawful order. I was maxed out and sent to 2 months of military prison. I got kicked out of the military about a month after that.
I dint know which way is up. I've tried to continue AA. I want to but, drinking helps make everything better, even though I've messed up my life while I was drunk, I still continue to drink. I know I am an alcoholic. Rehab does nothing for me, that BS SMART recovery gig made feel like I could drink smarter or more "responsibly" but, I usually just woke up on the floor after drinking "responsibly". I'm done, the only hope I have is AA I'm literally the definition of an alcoholic, the only real change I've noticed in myself was when I was in the rooms, doing the steps. I want to look at myself and stop seeing a broken, depressed, self-loathing, alcoholic. I want to see myself again, to be able to ask myself am I a good person? The book says the final solution for alcoholics is either recovery, hospitals, prison , or death. I don't want to have to see any of those options again except for the first. So...my long winded message for all of this for the alcoholics out there that's fallen off the wagon, are trying to get on the wagon, or just for the person that's looking for an entertaining story. Thank you for this site, thank you for creating these resources, and thank you for your support.
Christian
Fast forwarding 2 years later and a couple of months after my 20th birthday, I decided I wasn't going to wait for my 21st I procured a fake id and started drinking on bars and clubs. It was nice I wasn't drinking alone anymore so I wasn't a an alcoholic anymore right? Right?... Usually more often than not I was carried/thrown out of a bar with my address written in sharpie on my hand for some random cabbie to take me home. My life was a mess, my relationships with all but two close friends were gone, my girlfriend had left me due to my drinking, and my fellow service members saw me as nothing more than a sad, broken dude with a penchant for anger and hard partying. I was passed over for promotions, leadership opportunities, and basic unit functions solely for the fact that I would be drunk usually. I knew that wasn't how I wanted to live my life but, at the same time drinking made all of the s*** go away. It was amazing, exhilarating, and saddening. All at the same time. But, still I continued to drink.
My first rock bottom came in March when I was arrested for a bar fight, as the story goes I had blacked out in the bar after one too many drinks, had talked some smack to another bar patron and had gotten into a pretty decent fight. After that, the cops were called, they dinged me up pretty good, and then I was arrested. I don't have much memory of that night but, I do remember smashing my face against the walls, doors, and little plexiglass window of the cell. The next morning I woke up with a broken nose, dried up blood all over me and several bruises. A buddy paid my bail and I was ordered to not drink until the completion of my trial where I was being charged for assault. I bought a bottle that very night and drank till I passed out. This time my last friend who actually tolerated me found me facedown in vomit, cleaned me up, and alerted my chain of command to send me to Rehab. I found out all of those and sent him a long text telling him how much I hated him and how he was no different from anyone else. I wanted to drink myself into such a deep sleep that I never woke up again. Why couldn't he understand that? His reply to me was so eye opening to my problems. He told me that he valued our friendship but, my life choices and decisions were not good for me or anyone around me. As my friend, he felt I should know this. He told me he would help me out once I finished rehab but, he could not be around me for a while. That was it, I had lost the last person in the world he gave a **** about me. I was alone and angry at the world.
Upon completion of rehab, I went back to my unit I stayed clean for three months. I worked the steps and made it to my 4th, I had a sponsor, a home group, and a service position. Things were finally looking up, I felt great! So great that I decided to pop a few beers, just a few wouldn't hurt. So I thought, I backed out (no suprise there) and woke up with 10 minutes to get sober, get dressed, and get to work. I have never been late to work, ever. Even with all of my drinking. I came into work 30 minutes late with my breath reeking of alcohol. I was punished under the military Justice system. I picked up an AWOL charge, and a direct disobedience to a lawful order. I was maxed out and sent to 2 months of military prison. I got kicked out of the military about a month after that.
I dint know which way is up. I've tried to continue AA. I want to but, drinking helps make everything better, even though I've messed up my life while I was drunk, I still continue to drink. I know I am an alcoholic. Rehab does nothing for me, that BS SMART recovery gig made feel like I could drink smarter or more "responsibly" but, I usually just woke up on the floor after drinking "responsibly". I'm done, the only hope I have is AA I'm literally the definition of an alcoholic, the only real change I've noticed in myself was when I was in the rooms, doing the steps. I want to look at myself and stop seeing a broken, depressed, self-loathing, alcoholic. I want to see myself again, to be able to ask myself am I a good person? The book says the final solution for alcoholics is either recovery, hospitals, prison , or death. I don't want to have to see any of those options again except for the first. So...my long winded message for all of this for the alcoholics out there that's fallen off the wagon, are trying to get on the wagon, or just for the person that's looking for an entertaining story. Thank you for this site, thank you for creating these resources, and thank you for your support.
Christian
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found your way to this forum.
I'm another AAER, and the combo of this forum , meetings and working my 12-step program in all my affairs keeps me sober, sane, and generally gives me so easy serenity.
Please don't listen to that AV of yours. Alcohol, for the alcoholic, never makes things better. Please, get to a meeting today, and re-engage with your program and work it like your hair is on fire.
In the meantime, you might find some of the AA speaker recordings useful... 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
I'm another AAER, and the combo of this forum , meetings and working my 12-step program in all my affairs keeps me sober, sane, and generally gives me so easy serenity.
Please don't listen to that AV of yours. Alcohol, for the alcoholic, never makes things better. Please, get to a meeting today, and re-engage with your program and work it like your hair is on fire.
In the meantime, you might find some of the AA speaker recordings useful... 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
Thanks for sharing, Christian.
Question: How far is rock bottom?
Answer: Far enough.
Although my rock bottom (so far) can be seen as not so low, I can identify with your story.
I, too, stopped at my step four . . .
for about 8 months.
I asked for help from anyone.
What got me back on track was the bloke that said:
"You know, getting on with your step 4 and the rest of the steps is the easier and softer way !"
I had to prove that to myself.
I guess you did too.
I hope that you are able to renew your recovery.
For when we work through the steps, as openly and as honestly as we can, they free us from our past.
And our rock bottom, however you measure it, remains right at the bottom.
Then the only way is up.
Take care.
Question: How far is rock bottom?
Answer: Far enough.
Although my rock bottom (so far) can be seen as not so low, I can identify with your story.
I, too, stopped at my step four . . .
for about 8 months.
I asked for help from anyone.
What got me back on track was the bloke that said:
"You know, getting on with your step 4 and the rest of the steps is the easier and softer way !"
I had to prove that to myself.
I guess you did too.
I hope that you are able to renew your recovery.
For when we work through the steps, as openly and as honestly as we can, they free us from our past.
And our rock bottom, however you measure it, remains right at the bottom.
Then the only way is up.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: San Jose, California
Posts: 42
Hey Christian. Ex-Army here as well and I thank you for your service. I have hit rock bottom so many times, it is difficult to count. It tends to be different for everybody. My first time(when I joined this forum), I cheated on the woman I loved. I promised her I wouldn't drink anymore. She forgave me. Then I started drinking again which led to our eventual break up. Perhaps 10 rock bottoms later, here I am again. Thank you for sharing and your support. Cheers! (with a Gatorade)
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Originally Posted by ChristianS 
I want to look at myself and stop seeing a broken, depressed, self-loathing, alcoholic.
Christian
Christian
It's only the alcohol making you broken, depressed, and self-loathing. Walk away from it and all those feelings will fall away.
You can. Don't say you can't.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Lots of folks get to step four and stop. It's very common. My story was a bit similar, having stopped drinking at 22 yrs old.
I didn't have three months to get to step four before the insanity returned. Maybe you are the same. By the three month mark I was well into step nine and my life had changed for good. Really the first three steps only take a few hours, and the fourth, if your sponsor helps you, should not take long either.
It is a simple program intended to be learned in a few days and then practiced as a way of life. Approached in that way amazing things can happen in a short space of time.
I didn't have three months to get to step four before the insanity returned. Maybe you are the same. By the three month mark I was well into step nine and my life had changed for good. Really the first three steps only take a few hours, and the fourth, if your sponsor helps you, should not take long either.
It is a simple program intended to be learned in a few days and then practiced as a way of life. Approached in that way amazing things can happen in a short space of time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Gottalife
Lots of folks get to step four and stop. It's very common.
"i got to the 4th step and drank."
i couldnt understand it as i was crankin on my 4th step-i wanted all that crap out of my head and learn why i was what i was how i was and who i was.
asked an oldertimer after a meeting why i was crankin on the 4th while others drank. his simple reply:
"you did the first 3 steps."
The Long and Winding Road....
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Brisbane QLD
Posts: 897
Rock bottom is when you decide you've hit it
It sounds to me like you are there
It took me a few failed attempts but I'm sober now aa psychiatrist mma training cycling sponsor step work service and sr work for me
I got sober the first time in my 20s
You can do this if you truly surrender
Peace
Van
It sounds to me like you are there
It took me a few failed attempts but I'm sober now aa psychiatrist mma training cycling sponsor step work service and sr work for me
I got sober the first time in my 20s
You can do this if you truly surrender
Peace
Van
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 40
Rock bottom is (and please forgive me) a B*tch....
The way I see it for myself was a deep well I jumped into with a bungee cord attached to my feet. Once I hit the bottom I bounced right back up. It hurt at first but on my way back up I suddenly thought...that wasn't so bad, I have a handle on this....then I'd hit bottom again. I bounced up and down a number of times....This last time I hit the bottom hard and fast and I've decided to cut my cord. I've gone through the 5 steps of grieving over my alcoholism. I want my girls to have a mom that they've never seen drink rather than an alcoholic mother...I think that is why bottom hit so much hard this time. I have more at stake...Only you know when you've hit your bottom for the last time. Only you can cut that bungee cord no one can do it for you.
We are all here for you and wish you the best.
The way I see it for myself was a deep well I jumped into with a bungee cord attached to my feet. Once I hit the bottom I bounced right back up. It hurt at first but on my way back up I suddenly thought...that wasn't so bad, I have a handle on this....then I'd hit bottom again. I bounced up and down a number of times....This last time I hit the bottom hard and fast and I've decided to cut my cord. I've gone through the 5 steps of grieving over my alcoholism. I want my girls to have a mom that they've never seen drink rather than an alcoholic mother...I think that is why bottom hit so much hard this time. I have more at stake...Only you know when you've hit your bottom for the last time. Only you can cut that bungee cord no one can do it for you.
We are all here for you and wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 350
Welcome Christian
Thank you for serving our country. I've been so critical of the military. Until now. In fact there are tears. Not pity. Your story is so honest. Honesty is still the best thing. You are helping me heal, so please stay and heal with us.
Sending love and I know that you have great strength.
Thank you for serving our country. I've been so critical of the military. Until now. In fact there are tears. Not pity. Your story is so honest. Honesty is still the best thing. You are helping me heal, so please stay and heal with us.
Sending love and I know that you have great strength.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
tomsteve said:
asked an oldertimer after a meeting why i was crankin on the 4th while others drank. his simple reply:
"you did the first 3 steps."
This made me smile, big time. If you really really "do" steps 1-3, step 4 isn't so scary at all. If you have surrendered truly and fully, if you have turned your life over to a higher power as you understand it, nothing can hurt you. Is step 4 fun or easy? No. It's work. But it's work you will never ever regret doing. I learned SO MUCH about myself and what makes me tick. And I could start to forgive myself and let go of any resentments.
You can do this, Christian. Get yourself back into AA "like your hair is on fire," as Berrybean said.
And Thank You for your service. I'm ex-Army myself.
asked an oldertimer after a meeting why i was crankin on the 4th while others drank. his simple reply:
"you did the first 3 steps."
This made me smile, big time. If you really really "do" steps 1-3, step 4 isn't so scary at all. If you have surrendered truly and fully, if you have turned your life over to a higher power as you understand it, nothing can hurt you. Is step 4 fun or easy? No. It's work. But it's work you will never ever regret doing. I learned SO MUCH about myself and what makes me tick. And I could start to forgive myself and let go of any resentments.
You can do this, Christian. Get yourself back into AA "like your hair is on fire," as Berrybean said.
And Thank You for your service. I'm ex-Army myself.
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