He's done things right so far...but I'm still waiting for the relapse
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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He's done things right so far...but I'm still waiting for the relapse
This is my first post, so it will be somewhat long. I apologize in advance. I will say I’m not here because someone did wrong but instead good…and that oddly has me more concerned than anything.
My BF of 2.5 (almost 3 years) is an alcoholic/drug addict. He’s in recovery. August will be his 1 year anniversary. To give a brief background, I knew he always drank a lot (we both enjoy/ed it) but the drugs I only had a suspicion about aside from occasional pot use. He travels for work and March 2015 he was at a client office, got drunk/took drugs and ended up committing a crime at the hotel he was staying at the caused him to get arrested. His parent’s bailed him out of jail, promptly shipped him off to an out of state rehab/treatment facility where he spent 7 weeks. He came back, moved in with me because he had lost his apartment during all of this and we have been living together ever since.
After about 2 months of living with me his daily attendance at AA meeting stopped. He managed to find a great job (he got away with, although committing a felony, only a misdemeanor). But I knew something was up, started snooping through his stuff and discovered he was taking a supplement called Kratom. He had spent several hundreds of dollars on this stuff, all while living rent free in my apartment. I confronted him, he owned up to everything. Told me why and how he started taking it and promised to stop and start going back to AA. Managed to find a sponsor he really connected with and he committed to the program.
Things were good for a while. February of this year I had some suspicions and snooped through his tablet only to find that the week before at a client site (he still travels for work) he was looking up various prescription medications based upon the imprint on the pills. I had no qualms about comforting him and owning up to my snooping. At this point I had already told him if he ever relapsed again I would leave him. He again owned up to it, said it was presented to him at the client site, he was extremely tempted but talked to his sponsor and didn’t do anything. Only temptation. So he says. I have no way of disproving it so all I can do is trust him.
That leads me to the past couple of weeks. His best friend is getting married in September. Said best friend wants to have his bachelor party in New Orleans. I immediately had obvious reservations about this (which I expressed), especially because my BF LOVES NOLA and partied there several years in a row for NYs Eve. And he has also specifically told me more than once he does not feel comfortable going there until he has several years of sobriety under his belt. Long story short (too late) he told me 3 weeks ago he decided not to go. I was so proud he chose his sobriety and what was best for him over his friends. Well then two weeks ago he lets me know he spoke to the groom and the groom was so depressed my BF decided to go. I was LIVID. And have been ever since. We’ve had numerous discussion about this. The last one being this past Saturday. I tried to explain a gazillion different ways why this was not a good decision but all he could think about was his friend’s feeling. Saturday night was my birthday celebration with just him and I – I slept on the couch that night.
He left yesterday to go out of town. We barely spoke aside from a few text and then tonight I get a text from him that says he decided not to go to NOLA. He already told groom/best man he wasn’t going. He felt he it was not a good place for him to be, his sponsor (who he had previously tried to me was cool with the idea) agreed and he was only going originally to make his friend happy. He’s a classic alcoholic and has no sense of self. He wants to please everyone. He apologized to me and said how embarrassed he was that he allowed his friends to influence him to that degree. And he agreed with me that if he was that easily influenced who knows what would have happened if he actually made it to the party.
Obviously I am relieved. I have been a gigantic ball of anxiety. I’m proud he made the right choice (even though it took me be a controlling freak for it to happen) and owned up to his mistakes – which he always does.
I guess I am saying all this to ask – isn’t he going to screw up at some point? I’ve steeled myself for it, I’m essentially waiting for it to happen. Don’t they all at some point disappoint us? Don’t they all relapse? I was literally trying to figure out if I could afford our current new home (rental) on my salary alone based upon the past couple of weeks and how sure I was he was going to go to NOLA and screw up. I guess when do I stop waiting for the other shoe to drop? Or do you ever? He lied to me so much while using I wonder if I'll ever not have anxiety about his sobriety.
My BF of 2.5 (almost 3 years) is an alcoholic/drug addict. He’s in recovery. August will be his 1 year anniversary. To give a brief background, I knew he always drank a lot (we both enjoy/ed it) but the drugs I only had a suspicion about aside from occasional pot use. He travels for work and March 2015 he was at a client office, got drunk/took drugs and ended up committing a crime at the hotel he was staying at the caused him to get arrested. His parent’s bailed him out of jail, promptly shipped him off to an out of state rehab/treatment facility where he spent 7 weeks. He came back, moved in with me because he had lost his apartment during all of this and we have been living together ever since.
After about 2 months of living with me his daily attendance at AA meeting stopped. He managed to find a great job (he got away with, although committing a felony, only a misdemeanor). But I knew something was up, started snooping through his stuff and discovered he was taking a supplement called Kratom. He had spent several hundreds of dollars on this stuff, all while living rent free in my apartment. I confronted him, he owned up to everything. Told me why and how he started taking it and promised to stop and start going back to AA. Managed to find a sponsor he really connected with and he committed to the program.
Things were good for a while. February of this year I had some suspicions and snooped through his tablet only to find that the week before at a client site (he still travels for work) he was looking up various prescription medications based upon the imprint on the pills. I had no qualms about comforting him and owning up to my snooping. At this point I had already told him if he ever relapsed again I would leave him. He again owned up to it, said it was presented to him at the client site, he was extremely tempted but talked to his sponsor and didn’t do anything. Only temptation. So he says. I have no way of disproving it so all I can do is trust him.
That leads me to the past couple of weeks. His best friend is getting married in September. Said best friend wants to have his bachelor party in New Orleans. I immediately had obvious reservations about this (which I expressed), especially because my BF LOVES NOLA and partied there several years in a row for NYs Eve. And he has also specifically told me more than once he does not feel comfortable going there until he has several years of sobriety under his belt. Long story short (too late) he told me 3 weeks ago he decided not to go. I was so proud he chose his sobriety and what was best for him over his friends. Well then two weeks ago he lets me know he spoke to the groom and the groom was so depressed my BF decided to go. I was LIVID. And have been ever since. We’ve had numerous discussion about this. The last one being this past Saturday. I tried to explain a gazillion different ways why this was not a good decision but all he could think about was his friend’s feeling. Saturday night was my birthday celebration with just him and I – I slept on the couch that night.
He left yesterday to go out of town. We barely spoke aside from a few text and then tonight I get a text from him that says he decided not to go to NOLA. He already told groom/best man he wasn’t going. He felt he it was not a good place for him to be, his sponsor (who he had previously tried to me was cool with the idea) agreed and he was only going originally to make his friend happy. He’s a classic alcoholic and has no sense of self. He wants to please everyone. He apologized to me and said how embarrassed he was that he allowed his friends to influence him to that degree. And he agreed with me that if he was that easily influenced who knows what would have happened if he actually made it to the party.
Obviously I am relieved. I have been a gigantic ball of anxiety. I’m proud he made the right choice (even though it took me be a controlling freak for it to happen) and owned up to his mistakes – which he always does.
I guess I am saying all this to ask – isn’t he going to screw up at some point? I’ve steeled myself for it, I’m essentially waiting for it to happen. Don’t they all at some point disappoint us? Don’t they all relapse? I was literally trying to figure out if I could afford our current new home (rental) on my salary alone based upon the past couple of weeks and how sure I was he was going to go to NOLA and screw up. I guess when do I stop waiting for the other shoe to drop? Or do you ever? He lied to me so much while using I wonder if I'll ever not have anxiety about his sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Hi Doodle,
It sounds exhausting what you're experiencing. I think it'd be helpful to remember that you can't control him. He is ultimately going to do what he wants to do. You are worried about his sense of self... what about yours?
Is your health worth the sacrifice for his? The anxiety and stress of feeling like you have to stay on top of him will wear you down eventually. How long are you willing to live like this? Don't forget about you
It sounds exhausting what you're experiencing. I think it'd be helpful to remember that you can't control him. He is ultimately going to do what he wants to do. You are worried about his sense of self... what about yours?
Is your health worth the sacrifice for his? The anxiety and stress of feeling like you have to stay on top of him will wear you down eventually. How long are you willing to live like this? Don't forget about you
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Not everyone relapses. It sounds as if you have made it your job to manage his recovery. Do you see yourself as being the one making decisions for him about what's "safe" for him to do? That's his job, working together with his sponsor.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, this would be a great time to start. It will help relieve that anxiety and help loosen your grip on him and his life.
I had to move out when my second husband went back to drinking and, against my explicit instructions, signed a new lease on our rental home, which we could no longer afford when he lost his job. I told him that it the rent was his problem.
Yes, some people get sober and stay that way. My first husband has 36 years of sobriety--no relapse. I've been continuously sober for almost 8 years, without a relapse. I know others with long-term sobriety, some of whom have had early struggles with slips/relapses and some who have not.
I certainly wouldn't marry him while you are still actively anxious about the possibility of relapse, though. It's really not fair to either one of you. Sharing a rental is one thing--a hassle to get out of--but going though a divorce is a more daunting proposition.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, this would be a great time to start. It will help relieve that anxiety and help loosen your grip on him and his life.
I had to move out when my second husband went back to drinking and, against my explicit instructions, signed a new lease on our rental home, which we could no longer afford when he lost his job. I told him that it the rent was his problem.
Yes, some people get sober and stay that way. My first husband has 36 years of sobriety--no relapse. I've been continuously sober for almost 8 years, without a relapse. I know others with long-term sobriety, some of whom have had early struggles with slips/relapses and some who have not.
I certainly wouldn't marry him while you are still actively anxious about the possibility of relapse, though. It's really not fair to either one of you. Sharing a rental is one thing--a hassle to get out of--but going though a divorce is a more daunting proposition.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
Not everyone relapses, but wondering and worrying is an exhausting way to live. My AH relapsed after about 3 years sober and hasn't been able to stay sober for a sustained period of time since. The anxiety of always feeling like the other shoe could drop (and dealing with the mess when it did) is awful. I have lived this way for a number of years now and have just now decided that I can't do it anymore.
Accepting that it isn't in your control will help guide you in the right direction. Often we get so wrapped up in the A's problems and concern over what they will or won't do, that we just forget ourselves.
Accepting that it isn't in your control will help guide you in the right direction. Often we get so wrapped up in the A's problems and concern over what they will or won't do, that we just forget ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
DL,
Welcome and great for reaching out. There is a wealth of knowledge on this forum from A's (alcoholics) to Codies (co-dependents or enablers).
At some point in your relationship you are going to have to recognize that you can not "save" him from himself. He is an adult and should be treated like one. He knows it's wrong, and chooses to do it anyway. At what point in your relationship will he take responsibility for himself?
I agree with everyone else, you need to start taking care of you. Being a care taker for an addict is a full time job, we have all done it, but it is not sustainable.
I know that you stated he is celebrating his one year anniversary, but of what? You know that he is doing some kind of drugs, do you really believe in your heart, 100% that he hasn't had a drink in a year? From all your comments above he is not very trust worthy. But his sobriety is about him and only him.
I would recommend stepping back from his recovery, minding your side of the street and taking a deep breath. Once you can separate from him your life will slow down and you can think straight.
Keep coming back and posting, life will get better my friend!!
Welcome and great for reaching out. There is a wealth of knowledge on this forum from A's (alcoholics) to Codies (co-dependents or enablers).
At some point in your relationship you are going to have to recognize that you can not "save" him from himself. He is an adult and should be treated like one. He knows it's wrong, and chooses to do it anyway. At what point in your relationship will he take responsibility for himself?
I agree with everyone else, you need to start taking care of you. Being a care taker for an addict is a full time job, we have all done it, but it is not sustainable.
I know that you stated he is celebrating his one year anniversary, but of what? You know that he is doing some kind of drugs, do you really believe in your heart, 100% that he hasn't had a drink in a year? From all your comments above he is not very trust worthy. But his sobriety is about him and only him.
I would recommend stepping back from his recovery, minding your side of the street and taking a deep breath. Once you can separate from him your life will slow down and you can think straight.
Keep coming back and posting, life will get better my friend!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I agree with the other comments here...
But I just wanted to add about Kratum. Did I spell that right?
My abf took that as well. It was so odd, because I knew he wasn't drunk, but WOW was he off! The very next day, after a slew of wierd texts from the night before, I made it clear that taking that is in no way sobriety, and that I won't tolerate that either.
He had taken it after having bought a bottle, but decided not to open it and take the Kratum instead. Before we even spoke the next day, he threw away the rest of the Kratum.
I didn't ask him about the bottle. Instead, he stayed at my place for about 3 days. On the 4th day, he went home. He chose to pour the bottle out on his own.
It's a hard process learning to take our hands off of their recovery.
Kratum is scary. I don't like it at all.
But I just wanted to add about Kratum. Did I spell that right?
My abf took that as well. It was so odd, because I knew he wasn't drunk, but WOW was he off! The very next day, after a slew of wierd texts from the night before, I made it clear that taking that is in no way sobriety, and that I won't tolerate that either.
He had taken it after having bought a bottle, but decided not to open it and take the Kratum instead. Before we even spoke the next day, he threw away the rest of the Kratum.
I didn't ask him about the bottle. Instead, he stayed at my place for about 3 days. On the 4th day, he went home. He chose to pour the bottle out on his own.
It's a hard process learning to take our hands off of their recovery.
Kratum is scary. I don't like it at all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi there and welcome!
My now separated AH was sober for nine months, and I just knew a relapse was coming eventually. He wasn't going to AA, or working any programs, though, like your ABF is. He just wasn't drinking.
I started going to Al-anon, and posting here at the time he stopped drinking, and that helped me for sure, but it was still definitely exhausting and anxiety producing, wondering when it was going to come.
In some ways it was worse than when he was drinking, and there were times I almost wished he would just get it over with and bring on the relapse.
I really feel for you.. It's a hard spot to be in.
I'm glad you're here, and I hope you are able to check out an Al-anon meeting if you haven't already.
Btw... i've never heard of Kratum... it sounds scary
My now separated AH was sober for nine months, and I just knew a relapse was coming eventually. He wasn't going to AA, or working any programs, though, like your ABF is. He just wasn't drinking.
I started going to Al-anon, and posting here at the time he stopped drinking, and that helped me for sure, but it was still definitely exhausting and anxiety producing, wondering when it was going to come.
In some ways it was worse than when he was drinking, and there were times I almost wished he would just get it over with and bring on the relapse.
I really feel for you.. It's a hard spot to be in.
I'm glad you're here, and I hope you are able to check out an Al-anon meeting if you haven't already.
Btw... i've never heard of Kratum... it sounds scary
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