Eliasson

AA people are sick of me. I don't blame them honestly. I'm sick of me too. I'm a failure st AA and sobriety.
Last night my son (brain cancer survivor) got so sick driving home he pulled over and passed out. MRI tomorrow.
My lupus is so bad I spent my lunch hour at dr and because my husband is out of work he had to borrow money from our 17 year old son to pay for my prescription. I drove home from work in so much pain I was in tears and felt my options were going to hospital without insurance or drinking wine. Of course I chose wine.
The people I reached out to in AA either didn't respond or listened and said "stop the circle. I'm going to bed".
I'm trying hard not to feel sorry for myself. I can't begin to describe the physical and emotional pain. I can't go to rehab for multiple reasons and I don't do well with "tough love". I'm not sure what my other options are. I've worn everyone out, myself more than anyone. I don't really even want to be posting here because I'm just so tired of myself I can't imagine how y'all must feel about my situation.
I'm just scared. And feeling really hopeless.

Determined1977

I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. You are not alone!!!!! Tomorrow is a new day and posting here is a great start. All of us have relapsed at one point. I have more day ones than I can count. If you need to chat you can pm me. I am sure A.A. is not sick of you. We are all a community that supports each other. We learn from each other's relapses also. I pray you don't beat yourself up...I am personally rooting you on and know you can this.

Bekindalways

Wow E, you have one very tough row to hoe. Please do what you can to keep going. Posting here is a great thing to do.

May legions and battalions of angels bombard you and your family!!

Nowsthetime

We are not sick of you!!!

I hear a lot of AV all over your post.

Have you made a plan?

Rely on us and the there's people here 24/7 so when one goes to bed, another is getting up.

We are here for you Eli!!!

Eliasson

Thank you both. I have no reply but gratitude and tears.

Eliasson

And yes I'm sure the AV is the loudest in my head right now. It's a little overwhelming.
I thought I had a plan but clearly need a stronger one

Pixus

Sending huge amounts of love to you Eli. Don't give up on your lovely self. Xxx

Dee74

HI Eliasson

I think you missed a pretty big option - coming here - and staying here - until the urge passed?

There will always be things that scare you or bring you down - but drinking will never solve any of them.

I really doubt anyone is tired of you - but people are people...if that is true you need a new support system.

I didn't go to AA or rehab - but I made a commitment to stop drinking, no matter how bad things got.

It seemed impossible to me in the beginning but I didn't know what I could do until I tried

Noone else could get me sober - I had to put in the effort myself - the same kind of effort I was putting into drinking in impossible situations.

I really hope things are ok with your son

D

Eliasson

Thank you so much Dee. As usual you are right. It is all about the commitment to sobriety. It doesn't have to be AA You are right I should have come here first. I'm that moment I was so overwhelmed with physical and emotional pain and fear that I could not see clear and same options. I'm not sure how to rescue myself from those moments.

Dee74

I think we can re-train ourselves, even with pain, fear and panic - to simply stop, pause...breathe...and remember this moment next time

you can do it Eliasson
D

Soberwolf

Stick with us Eli

2ndhandrose

tomsteve

one thing i wonder is if youve done any stepwork and been honest and thorough with it.

it really reads like you havent surrendered-havent accepted alcohol has ya whipped, it aint working, and its getting worse.


if you have decided you want what we have( do you know what it is we of aa have)
AND are willing to go to ANY lengths to get it-are you willing to go to ANY lengths??


throw out the arse kikin machine,E.

Mountainmanbob

The last time that I got drunk 8 years ago I was so sick of the man I saw in the mirror. Sounds like you have a lot going on and have reached a bottom ? I'm sure that you understand that adding booze to your situation just may in some kind of way be killing you and the ones around you ?

We had to let go of some old ideas.

Good luck,
Mountainmanbob

Hawkeye13

soberclover

Don't ever give up....ever

Eliasson

Thank you. Yes I hope I've reached my bottom. I realize too that I'm probably feeling way too sorry for myself.
I haven't really gotten past step 3. I do want what y'all have. No, I'm not entirely sure what that is but whatever it is it seems much better than the perpetual state of nervous breakdown that I live in now.

KeyofC

What we have is this:
No matter if you go to AA or recovery groups, therapy, or if you're only doing sobriety and recovery on your own...
We all know and admitted we are powerless over alcohol. We know without a doubt we failed miserably with even trying to drink.
"It's not how much I drink or how often I drink that determines I'm an alcoholic. It's what happens to me after the first drink that determines if I'm alcoholic."
Pretty sure I would be the farthest thing people would think of when they think of an alcoholic. But I am. I know that everyday when I wake up I will commit to not drinking today. I know that I can't even have one, not even a sip. One will lead to more. I know this. I know that it's a false reality. It's a false moment in time. It's a false feeling in where there are no emotions because that's why I'm there in the first place to be numb and stop feeling and thinking.
We don't all work the same recovery plan, but pretty sure we all have this mindset in common.
The answer is, you. You control it all. It's up to you. People can help and plans can help, but ultimately you control it all. I hope you give yourself the chance to prove who you really are meant to be. Blessings sent your way!

IvanMike

One question.

When did you call the people in AA that night? Before or after you got loaded?

If someone calls me who feels like using but hasn't yet, I can help them. Once they have gotten loaded, I can't.

ScottFromWI

You already have it, you just haven't accepted it yet. Every single one of us was exactly where you are right now and nothing magically changed inside us, we simply accepted that we are alcoholics. We unconditionally accepted that picking even one drink is NEVER going to be an option EVER. It's a simple concept, yet definitely not EASY to implement, right?

No "bottom" will ever convince you because there's always a bottom that's lower. No one else can "make" you sober either, only you can make the choice. No pill or therapy can "fix" your addiction...it will always be there.