Stupid me engaged the A
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Stupid me engaged the A
I came home from work and he was rip roaring drunk, and belligerent. And I KNOW you can't argue with them but dammit I get tired of his crap. Screaming, cursing, calling me bad names, and I still have no freaking clue what I did. So I walked out and found the closest al anon meeting. I look terrible because I've been balling my eyes out. I didn't speak at all. Just sat there.
My MIL called and I talked to her. I was honest about what was going on. She was upset that I didn't tell her sooner. She lives in another state I have no idea what she thinks she's going to do about it.
I just found out what she did about it. I went home after the al anon meeting, She called and ripped him a new one. *sigh* of course I paid for that too.
I am broke until Friday because I just paid 3000 to get my truck fixed(AH wrecked it) took the other truck-no AC. Now I'm trying to figure out what to do. I don't have anyone here. I do not want to sleep in this hot truck. I'm pissed because I pay the bulk of the bills. I should not have to leave my house but I don't want to go back. FML
My MIL called and I talked to her. I was honest about what was going on. She was upset that I didn't tell her sooner. She lives in another state I have no idea what she thinks she's going to do about it.
I just found out what she did about it. I went home after the al anon meeting, She called and ripped him a new one. *sigh* of course I paid for that too.
I am broke until Friday because I just paid 3000 to get my truck fixed(AH wrecked it) took the other truck-no AC. Now I'm trying to figure out what to do. I don't have anyone here. I do not want to sleep in this hot truck. I'm pissed because I pay the bulk of the bills. I should not have to leave my house but I don't want to go back. FML
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Eh I'm okay I went home about 1130ish. He was passed out so I went in my sons room to sleep. I had to sneak into my room and get my pillow though I don't know how my kidlet sleeps on those pillows. A very quiet Dr Jekyll is present this morning. He's avoiding me...I'm sure he knows I'm pissed but I wonder if he knows why....
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I'd suggest contacting your local women's shelter and/or the National DV Hotline and talking with an advocate. When someone verbally abuses you and makes it impossible to live in your own home, that IS abuse.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I'd suggest contacting your local women's shelter and/or the National DV Hotline and talking with an advocate. When someone verbally abuses you and makes it impossible to live in your own home, that IS abuse.
it's been awhile so it looks like I'll have to pack a go bag for my son and myself again I thought we'd moved past the need for one but I guess not.
(my son was not present for this...he's in another state with my MIL)
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I'm not talking about emotional support from friends (or even an overnight place to stay), I'm talking about someone experienced and trained to help you with things like safety planning and referrals for counseling that can help you. However much friends love you, they may become impatient and frustrated with your situation. Advocates are trained to provide nonjudgmental, practical help.
The call is free and completely confidential. I'd suggest you give it a shot.
The call is free and completely confidential. I'd suggest you give it a shot.
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(((((Hugs)))))) I'm sorry you had such a miserable night. I can't count the number of nights I cried myself to sleep when RAH's behavior was so out of control.
OTOH - I laughed so hard that I snorted at "throat stompy". I KNOW that feeling!!
OTOH - I laughed so hard that I snorted at "throat stompy". I KNOW that feeling!!
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
(((((Hugs)))))) I'm sorry you had such a miserable night. I can't count the number of nights I cried myself to sleep when RAH's behavior was so out of control.
OTOH - I laughed so hard that I snorted at "throat stompy". I KNOW that feeling!!
OTOH - I laughed so hard that I snorted at "throat stompy". I KNOW that feeling!!
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A,
I am so sorry. I slept in my car a half a dozen times because axh was drunk and wouldn't stop. This brings back horrible memories for me. I am out of that situation and you are on the right path, also. When he was drunk, you didn't engage, you left and sought help. You will have the "honeymoon" period now, he did "bad" and will suck up to you and he will kiss you a$$ for a few days and then repeat.
I hate to say, MIL telling him off while he is drunk only does so much, he probably doesn't remember. You might recommend alanon to MIL also, sounds like she could use some guidance also.
Sending hugs to you, you are on the right path to get out!! Hang in there!!
I am so sorry. I slept in my car a half a dozen times because axh was drunk and wouldn't stop. This brings back horrible memories for me. I am out of that situation and you are on the right path, also. When he was drunk, you didn't engage, you left and sought help. You will have the "honeymoon" period now, he did "bad" and will suck up to you and he will kiss you a$$ for a few days and then repeat.
I hate to say, MIL telling him off while he is drunk only does so much, he probably doesn't remember. You might recommend alanon to MIL also, sounds like she could use some guidance also.
Sending hugs to you, you are on the right path to get out!! Hang in there!!
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Originally Posted by maia1234
A,
I am so sorry. I slept in my car a half a dozen times because axh was drunk and wouldn't stop. This brings back horrible memories for me. I am out of that situation and you are on the right path, also. When he was drunk, you didn't engage, you left and sought help. You will have the "honeymoon" period now, he did "bad" and will suck up to you and he will kiss you a$$ for a few days and then repeat.
I hate to say, MIL telling him off while he is drunk only does so much, he probably doesn't remember. You might recommend alanon to MIL also, sounds like she could use some guidance also.
Sending hugs to you, you are on the right path to get out!! Hang in there!!
I am so sorry. I slept in my car a half a dozen times because axh was drunk and wouldn't stop. This brings back horrible memories for me. I am out of that situation and you are on the right path, also. When he was drunk, you didn't engage, you left and sought help. You will have the "honeymoon" period now, he did "bad" and will suck up to you and he will kiss you a$$ for a few days and then repeat.
I hate to say, MIL telling him off while he is drunk only does so much, he probably doesn't remember. You might recommend alanon to MIL also, sounds like she could use some guidance also.
Sending hugs to you, you are on the right path to get out!! Hang in there!!
You're right, he's all apologetic today. He texted me but I haven't responded. I'm caught between wanted to make him feel all the hurt that he made me feel and the appropriate response. I realize telling him he's a horrible person(he's not) doesn't help this situation.
I've written a response but I haven't sent it.
"I appreciate your words, I really do, but what I would appreciate more are your actions. Actually following through on those pretty words. At this point you have promised me dozens of times that you are going to quit, you haven't yet. Last night was one of the worst. I had to leave our home not once but twice. I had to wait until you went to sleep so I could go home and sleep. That is not acceptable. I need to know what YOU want to do. If you want to continue to drink, that is fine, I can't stop you, but I need to know. I refuse to allow our son to live this life. I need to make sure that he is okay, that he is in a healthy environment. Right now, I'm really not sure our home is the safest place for us to be."
I may not send it at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm just wasting my breath....
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A,
You don't need to lecture him and tell him everything he did wrong. He knows. IMO, I would say nothing. That hurts him more. He will eventually get it that he has a problem and needs to deal with it. (Hopefully, but not likely)
Hit an alanon meeting, keep posting, and reading all the stickies at the top. You need to educate yourself about addiction. This is a progressive disease and it will only get worse.
You don't need to lecture him and tell him everything he did wrong. He knows. IMO, I would say nothing. That hurts him more. He will eventually get it that he has a problem and needs to deal with it. (Hopefully, but not likely)
Hit an alanon meeting, keep posting, and reading all the stickies at the top. You need to educate yourself about addiction. This is a progressive disease and it will only get worse.
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I may not send it at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm just wasting my breath....
You said in your note that you need to know what he intends to do. I think it's already pretty clear, isn't it? I doubt he's oblivious to what he's been up to, and he doesn't seem interested in changing it, from what I've read so far.
Someone once posted here that when we have a problem that doesn't seem to have a solution, more than likely that's not the case; we DO have a solution, we just don't LIKE it. I know I've certainly been there.
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I may not send it at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm just wasting my breath....
You are correct. Always, I'm going to shoot straight with you, because I see ME in your posts.
His abuse is preventing you from living in your own home. It was so bad last night that you left your son alone in the house with him and went and hid out in a church parking lot until he passed out. You cannot leave your child there alone with him. If something happens, there needs to be a responsible, sober adult to deal with it.
I lost my oldest son for three years because I thought I was choosing the lesser of 2 evils leaving the boys home with my ex. I couldn't quit my job, because like you I was constantly having to fix things he did to wreck family property and keep the household afloat and scraping by. All his "discretionary income" went to the liquor store. I couldn't afford other childcare. Like you I was always covering for him so I was afraid to ask family or neighbors for help, though a few of them knew the situation and offered.
Finally my older son had enough and went to live with his father. In my heart I knew he was right and didn't even try to fight it. I hung on for two more years of escalating abuse until my mom came out to visit and saw how we were living and we did a temporary separation where he was supposedly "getting counseling" and "going to meetings"- all lies of course, he was drinking the whole time and had no intention of even attempting to quit or change his behavior. During that time my older son's dad died from cancer and he came back to live with me after that.
Long story short, I should have left long before I did. My biggest regrets involve having my sons subjected to the horrible, drunken behavior. I wish I had been able to pull my focus away from trying to make him get sober so we could be a happy family and worked on doing what I needed to do to cut out the abusive dead weight that was dragging all of us down and building a safe, healthy family for the boys, who had no choice in the matter. They were my hostages to fortune as I tried everything I could to save a grown man from himself.
My alcoholic ex, the father of my younger son, has proved that he is not a good person, drunk or sober. Like your ah, he is a veteran and is self-medicating pain and mental health issues with alcohol. He has all the help in the world at his fingertips and consistently chose to continue in his drinking and abusive behavior.
After he got sober I had high hopes for him at least rebuilding a relationship with our son, but that has come to nothing and resulted in our son being subjected to more horrible behavior from my ex and his current wife. Alcoholism and abuse are 2 separate issues. I had them tied together in my head for a long time because it made my home life more bearable and gave me hope. I wish I had known then what I know now.
Sorry if I seem harsh or critical. That's not my intention at all. I really hope you find the clarity I lacked for so long. You are stronger and more courageous than your realize. Thank you for continuing to post. Take care.
You are correct. Always, I'm going to shoot straight with you, because I see ME in your posts.
His abuse is preventing you from living in your own home. It was so bad last night that you left your son alone in the house with him and went and hid out in a church parking lot until he passed out. You cannot leave your child there alone with him. If something happens, there needs to be a responsible, sober adult to deal with it.
I lost my oldest son for three years because I thought I was choosing the lesser of 2 evils leaving the boys home with my ex. I couldn't quit my job, because like you I was constantly having to fix things he did to wreck family property and keep the household afloat and scraping by. All his "discretionary income" went to the liquor store. I couldn't afford other childcare. Like you I was always covering for him so I was afraid to ask family or neighbors for help, though a few of them knew the situation and offered.
Finally my older son had enough and went to live with his father. In my heart I knew he was right and didn't even try to fight it. I hung on for two more years of escalating abuse until my mom came out to visit and saw how we were living and we did a temporary separation where he was supposedly "getting counseling" and "going to meetings"- all lies of course, he was drinking the whole time and had no intention of even attempting to quit or change his behavior. During that time my older son's dad died from cancer and he came back to live with me after that.
Long story short, I should have left long before I did. My biggest regrets involve having my sons subjected to the horrible, drunken behavior. I wish I had been able to pull my focus away from trying to make him get sober so we could be a happy family and worked on doing what I needed to do to cut out the abusive dead weight that was dragging all of us down and building a safe, healthy family for the boys, who had no choice in the matter. They were my hostages to fortune as I tried everything I could to save a grown man from himself.
My alcoholic ex, the father of my younger son, has proved that he is not a good person, drunk or sober. Like your ah, he is a veteran and is self-medicating pain and mental health issues with alcohol. He has all the help in the world at his fingertips and consistently chose to continue in his drinking and abusive behavior.
After he got sober I had high hopes for him at least rebuilding a relationship with our son, but that has come to nothing and resulted in our son being subjected to more horrible behavior from my ex and his current wife. Alcoholism and abuse are 2 separate issues. I had them tied together in my head for a long time because it made my home life more bearable and gave me hope. I wish I had known then what I know now.
Sorry if I seem harsh or critical. That's not my intention at all. I really hope you find the clarity I lacked for so long. You are stronger and more courageous than your realize. Thank you for continuing to post. Take care.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
I may not send it at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm just wasting my breath....
You are correct. Always, I'm going to shoot straight with you, because I see ME in your posts.
His abuse is preventing you from living in your own home. It was so bad last night that you left your son alone in the house with him and went and hid out in a church parking lot until he passed out. You cannot leave your child there alone with him. If something happens, there needs to be a responsible, sober adult to deal with it.
I lost my oldest son for three years because I thought I was choosing the lesser of 2 evils leaving the boys home with my ex. I couldn't quit my job, because like you I was constantly having to fix things he did to wreck family property and keep the household afloat and scraping by. All his "discretionary income" went to the liquor store. I couldn't afford other childcare. Like you I was always covering for him so I was afraid to ask family or neighbors for help, though a few of them knew the situation and offered.
Finally my older son had enough and went to live with his father. In my heart I knew he was right and didn't even try to fight it. I hung on for two more years of escalating abuse until my mom came out to visit and saw how we were living and we did a temporary separation where he was supposedly "getting counseling" and "going to meetings"- all lies of course, he was drinking the whole time and had no intention of even attempting to quit or change his behavior. During that time my older son's dad died from cancer and he came back to live with me after that.
Long story short, I should have left long before I did. My biggest regrets involve having my sons subjected to the horrible, drunken behavior. I wish I had been able to pull my focus away from trying to make him get sober so we could be a happy family and worked on doing what I needed to do to cut out the abusive dead weight that was dragging all of us down and building a safe, healthy family for the boys, who had no choice in the matter. They were my hostages to fortune as I tried everything I could to save a grown man from himself.
My alcoholic ex, the father of my younger son, has proved that he is not a good person, drunk or sober. Like your ah, he is a veteran and is self-medicating pain and mental health issues with alcohol. He has all the help in the world at his fingertips and consistently chose to continue in his drinking and abusive behavior.
After he got sober I had high hopes for him at least rebuilding a relationship with our son, but that has come to nothing and resulted in our son being subjected to more horrible behavior from my ex and his current wife. Alcoholism and abuse are 2 separate issues. I had them tied together in my head for a long time because it made my home life more bearable and gave me hope. I wish I had known then what I know now.
Sorry if I seem harsh or critical. That's not my intention at all. I really hope you find the clarity I lacked for so long. You are stronger and more courageous than your realize. Thank you for continuing to post. Take care.
You are correct. Always, I'm going to shoot straight with you, because I see ME in your posts.
His abuse is preventing you from living in your own home. It was so bad last night that you left your son alone in the house with him and went and hid out in a church parking lot until he passed out. You cannot leave your child there alone with him. If something happens, there needs to be a responsible, sober adult to deal with it.
I lost my oldest son for three years because I thought I was choosing the lesser of 2 evils leaving the boys home with my ex. I couldn't quit my job, because like you I was constantly having to fix things he did to wreck family property and keep the household afloat and scraping by. All his "discretionary income" went to the liquor store. I couldn't afford other childcare. Like you I was always covering for him so I was afraid to ask family or neighbors for help, though a few of them knew the situation and offered.
Finally my older son had enough and went to live with his father. In my heart I knew he was right and didn't even try to fight it. I hung on for two more years of escalating abuse until my mom came out to visit and saw how we were living and we did a temporary separation where he was supposedly "getting counseling" and "going to meetings"- all lies of course, he was drinking the whole time and had no intention of even attempting to quit or change his behavior. During that time my older son's dad died from cancer and he came back to live with me after that.
Long story short, I should have left long before I did. My biggest regrets involve having my sons subjected to the horrible, drunken behavior. I wish I had been able to pull my focus away from trying to make him get sober so we could be a happy family and worked on doing what I needed to do to cut out the abusive dead weight that was dragging all of us down and building a safe, healthy family for the boys, who had no choice in the matter. They were my hostages to fortune as I tried everything I could to save a grown man from himself.
My alcoholic ex, the father of my younger son, has proved that he is not a good person, drunk or sober. Like your ah, he is a veteran and is self-medicating pain and mental health issues with alcohol. He has all the help in the world at his fingertips and consistently chose to continue in his drinking and abusive behavior.
After he got sober I had high hopes for him at least rebuilding a relationship with our son, but that has come to nothing and resulted in our son being subjected to more horrible behavior from my ex and his current wife. Alcoholism and abuse are 2 separate issues. I had them tied together in my head for a long time because it made my home life more bearable and gave me hope. I wish I had known then what I know now.
Sorry if I seem harsh or critical. That's not my intention at all. I really hope you find the clarity I lacked for so long. You are stronger and more courageous than your realize. Thank you for continuing to post. Take care.
But I want to be clear that 1. my son was not there. He is in another state on vacation with my MIL. 2. I would NEVER have left him there.
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