Will He Come Back?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 5
Will He Come Back?
My boyfriend ended things with me after a month of intense dating. He is 4 months sober and in a sober living house. Things were going amazing then out of nowhere he said his sponsor and mentors are telling him he needs to end it or he'll hurt me. He has cut off communication COMPLETELY. Will he ever come back? He said he wanted to, he just needs to get better right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Please do not just create a new account because you were unhappy with the responses you got on the first account. It might be a good idea to work on yourself and how to have a healthy relationship- one month of dating is not enough time to create such a strong bond that when someone breaks up with you that you cannot move forward and accept that the person was not having the same feeling or that he is putting his recovery first which is the most important thing for an addict and if you care for him as much as it seems then him putting his recovery first is what you should wish for him,
Why don't you spend this time working on yourself and researching what co-dependency is, counseling would also be something to consider so that you can learn how to create a healthy relationship.
I am not saying this to be mean, but creating two accounts in order to attempt to get different answers speaks volumes. The answers are not going to change no matter what name you use to ask our opinions. I hope you reach out to others to get your own issues addressed.
Why don't you spend this time working on yourself and researching what co-dependency is, counseling would also be something to consider so that you can learn how to create a healthy relationship.
I am not saying this to be mean, but creating two accounts in order to attempt to get different answers speaks volumes. The answers are not going to change no matter what name you use to ask our opinions. I hope you reach out to others to get your own issues addressed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
In my opinion, he did you a favor. Please don't blame yourself. Life with an Addict is full of chaos and lies. Let him work on his program while you work on yours. I got engaged to an addict and THANK GOD did not go through with the wedding. He too is a great guy, smart, educated, great family, loves me a lot, always treated me well, never married before, no kids, he was my soul mate but he always chose alcohol over me. And now, even though I am miles apart from him, I am struggling to break all ties but I am getting there with the help of SR and Al-anon. What I am trying to say is that the more time you would have spent with him, the harder it would have gotten for you to let go. So please give it some time. It will get better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 5
Yes
I'm not going to lie here, it's obviously the same situation. I just shared so much on the other post that I wanted to simplify, it wasn't necessarily because I didn't like the answers I wanted to simplify and word it differently and felt silly doing it all on that post. I understand that it looks ridiculous both that I posted differently and that I have feelings for someone after a month but that's where I am and this is how I feel. From what I've read, people on this forum, of all people, should understand that when you get involved with an addict things get intimate fast because they have to put it all on the table from the start. They have to share really personal things up front because they're potential deal breakers. I'm honestly so hurt that I came here for help and feel judged. The last thing I wanted was to feel like my issue was silly; like it doesn't matter in comparison to others. Don't get me wrong, people on here have suffered, and suffered in ways I could never dream of, but I literally googled this site because I started to care about this person and he's hurting and I don't understand the program or where he is with it. I want to understand what the conversations with his sponsors may have looked like. I was seeking understanding and received condescension. It isn't fair for anyone to judge how intense my feelings should or shouldn't be in any time frame. It really sucks that support here is subjective as to your level of suffering and relationship. Really sucks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 5
Thank you. That was very helpful HopingforCure. Thank you for affirming that what I'm feeling is okay to feel and connecting with me. I really appreciate that and realize this may be a blessing in disguise.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I kindly suggest working your own program of joining an Al Anon group and reading Codependent No More. Do something that helps yourself instead of putting your everything into another person of which you have no control.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Actually you wouldn't have looked silly simplifying your situation on your the original post, and if everyone didn't say that we knew it was you then you wouldn't have come off the way you did. You made the situation where other's thought you were just trying to get different answers and honestly I don't think you would have admitted it was you if no one called you out on it.
No one is judging you, everyone is trying to open your eyes to the fact that you are accepting unhealthy situation and calling it love. Are you hurt because instead of hearing that your feeling were called for and a normal response and instead I tried to open your eyes to the fact that you might want to look into co-dependency and that by working on yourself you can ease the suffering now and in the future. People who are co-dependents often go from unhealthy relationship to another to another to another. By introducing you to the term and saying that you should look into it I was trying to give you the tools to educate yourself so this doesn't happen to you over and over again. If you don't want to hear the truth then you will never get the help you need.
No one is judging you, everyone is trying to open your eyes to the fact that you are accepting unhealthy situation and calling it love. Are you hurt because instead of hearing that your feeling were called for and a normal response and instead I tried to open your eyes to the fact that you might want to look into co-dependency and that by working on yourself you can ease the suffering now and in the future. People who are co-dependents often go from unhealthy relationship to another to another to another. By introducing you to the term and saying that you should look into it I was trying to give you the tools to educate yourself so this doesn't happen to you over and over again. If you don't want to hear the truth then you will never get the help you need.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 23
Oh sweetie. Hugs to you. Honestly, I get it. My stomach started churning as I read your original post. I get it. I've been there. Even the "you're so great, why are you still single?" line. I used to answer that I didn't know why I was still single and that I thought I was pretty great, too.
But what I'm learning is that self-confidence and self-worth are very different things. People would probably say I'm a very confident person but I am still single because I'm finding out I have very little self-worth. I'm working on it now.
The first month with my addict was as you described. Instant. In love. Fireworks. I fell fast. And that allowed me to slowly accept unacceptable behaviors from someone who "loved me" for the next 14 months. (Gah, so embarrassing). I'm still trying to completely cut him out of my life. Please don't be me.
I understand the questions going around in your head. I've had them all. And it has been so dang hard to just accept that I will never know the answers. Even if I asked my ABF something, how would I know if he was honest or not? I thought I NEEDED to know the answers so I could know how I felt about things. I've wasted soooo much time consumed with the same thoughts you've had. I'm getting better. I find taking walks, listening to music and writing down my thoughts helps me.
I have been where you are and if I could go back I would take every one of these posters' advice to look inward at myself rather than at why he's doing what he's doing. It would have saved me so much heartbreak.
Please be gentle to yourself. I don't want to say that what you're feeling is "normal" because I know many healthy people who can seem to just let things go easily. But that's not me. So I've been there. Your feelings are not uncommon or unique, unfortunately.
(HUGS) I just feel the pain in your post and wanted to respond. Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat.
But what I'm learning is that self-confidence and self-worth are very different things. People would probably say I'm a very confident person but I am still single because I'm finding out I have very little self-worth. I'm working on it now.
The first month with my addict was as you described. Instant. In love. Fireworks. I fell fast. And that allowed me to slowly accept unacceptable behaviors from someone who "loved me" for the next 14 months. (Gah, so embarrassing). I'm still trying to completely cut him out of my life. Please don't be me.
I understand the questions going around in your head. I've had them all. And it has been so dang hard to just accept that I will never know the answers. Even if I asked my ABF something, how would I know if he was honest or not? I thought I NEEDED to know the answers so I could know how I felt about things. I've wasted soooo much time consumed with the same thoughts you've had. I'm getting better. I find taking walks, listening to music and writing down my thoughts helps me.
I have been where you are and if I could go back I would take every one of these posters' advice to look inward at myself rather than at why he's doing what he's doing. It would have saved me so much heartbreak.
Please be gentle to yourself. I don't want to say that what you're feeling is "normal" because I know many healthy people who can seem to just let things go easily. But that's not me. So I've been there. Your feelings are not uncommon or unique, unfortunately.
(HUGS) I just feel the pain in your post and wanted to respond. Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 5
Thank you
Thank you MCM19. Thank you for your empathy and kindness. I'm not saying what I feel is completely healthy or rational, but I'm being honest about where I am with something I don't understand. I so appreciate your kind words and gentle approach. No person on these forums is coming light-heartedly when seeking understanding and we should all be met with the kindness, empathy, and wisdom delivered in a compassionate manner. Thank you. If I'm already on a forum bc I'm down, speaking down to me will only make it worse. So, again, thank you. I agree, I do need to do some introspection and try to see it in a healthy way. I don't want to be with someone who isn't healthy yet, and he may never get there. So, I know for now this is the best thing. I think the fact that we can't even be friends is hard for me to grasp.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Hi Leo - It didn't come across to me as if anyone is talking down to you. Part of the reason I like coming here is because people keep me accountable if something is going on that I can't see for myself.
I think the point is, this situation shouldn't be about whether he comes back or not. I'd venture to say that most of us are here because of our OWN addiction...to love, or co-dependency, or the need to please...whatever you want to call it. That's why I'm here. And until I address that, I will keep choosing the same type of person over and over. I'm tired of it and you probably are too.
This is about you and your happiness, whether he is in your life or not.
Just my $.02.
I think the point is, this situation shouldn't be about whether he comes back or not. I'd venture to say that most of us are here because of our OWN addiction...to love, or co-dependency, or the need to please...whatever you want to call it. That's why I'm here. And until I address that, I will keep choosing the same type of person over and over. I'm tired of it and you probably are too.
This is about you and your happiness, whether he is in your life or not.
Just my $.02.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
leo......I think that one factor that comes very much into play with those who have an addict or alcoholic in their lives......is, that, most people know little to zero about what alcoholism really is and the nature of it....AND, on top of that...know nothing about what recovery requires and what a solid recovery program is......
Actually, who does!?? It almost always requires an urgent reason to have to learn about it.
It is not o nly the l oved ones who don't know---alcoholics (and addicts) don't know, either, and their overall denial doesn't help, either.....
This is why it is so encouraged that when folks come to the forum, we are quick to encourage that they learn....learn....learn......
Knowledge is power.....
dandylion
Actually, who does!?? It almost always requires an urgent reason to have to learn about it.
It is not o nly the l oved ones who don't know---alcoholics (and addicts) don't know, either, and their overall denial doesn't help, either.....
This is why it is so encouraged that when folks come to the forum, we are quick to encourage that they learn....learn....learn......
Knowledge is power.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hugs to you!!!
When I had been dating my now separated AH for about one month, I learned he had a drunken one night stand with his previous girlfriend.
Man, I really should have taken that as a sign and got the hell out when I had the chance!! But I was already so invested in the relationship, and well, he was a pretty great sweet-talker, so I let it go.
If he would have decided to end our relationship at that point, I know I would have been absolutely heartbroken.
I know this is not the same as your situation, but my point is that your pain is your pain, and whether you've been together a month or a lifetime, the end of a relationship can be devastating!! Especially if you thought he was someone you would have a future with.
I don't think your issue is silly at all, but I do think the above posters are right in saying that he probably did you a favor.
I hope you are able to take this as an opportunity to work on yourself, and take care of you!!
When I had been dating my now separated AH for about one month, I learned he had a drunken one night stand with his previous girlfriend.
Man, I really should have taken that as a sign and got the hell out when I had the chance!! But I was already so invested in the relationship, and well, he was a pretty great sweet-talker, so I let it go.
If he would have decided to end our relationship at that point, I know I would have been absolutely heartbroken.
I know this is not the same as your situation, but my point is that your pain is your pain, and whether you've been together a month or a lifetime, the end of a relationship can be devastating!! Especially if you thought he was someone you would have a future with.
I don't think your issue is silly at all, but I do think the above posters are right in saying that he probably did you a favor.
I hope you are able to take this as an opportunity to work on yourself, and take care of you!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
This may sound silly, but I once read that you should treat every relationship as just a practice, not as The One. That way you can take some distance when things don´t work out and not feel devastated for the time and emotions you´ve lost in the process. Sort of like "this was just a training, the best is yet to come".
I know this sound terribly skeptic, when you´re involved with someone your emotions take over and you start thinking you´re soulmates and should overcome every obstacle for Love to triumph or whatever. But after a breakup and some time (with NC), you always always realize it wasn´t working out for a reason and that you´re better off letting go and chalking it up as experience.
I know this sound terribly skeptic, when you´re involved with someone your emotions take over and you start thinking you´re soulmates and should overcome every obstacle for Love to triumph or whatever. But after a breakup and some time (with NC), you always always realize it wasn´t working out for a reason and that you´re better off letting go and chalking it up as experience.
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