TimeForMe

So I have been cycling between anger and depression for quite some time now. In reading through all your posts, I know this is common.

But, jeezus! When do we ever catch a freaking break??? In my case, it became unbearable for me to live in a marriage with an active A, who blamed me for his drinking. For YEARS I put up with it, until I couldn't take it anymore. So I left. I have never once regretted that decision.

Right now, we are more or less amicably working on the divorce papers. The divorce is set for my birthday. Yay me. Now he is thinking he wants to stay in the house and buy me out. Which is fine. Except he is not happy with one of the terms of the contract.

I have TRIED to make this divorce process as painless as possible. 50/50 split, no alimony, etc, and he is arguing about something that is NOT FAIR to me. FFS, I'm TIRED of things not being fair!!!

And of course (as so many of you may expect), he has found the most wonderful love of his life. An ex-model, of course, tall and beautiful. His family loves her. Of course.

I am so tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of being angry and depressed. I know he is an addict and the new wonderful beautiful woman in his life is going to have to deal with his crap. But at this point, really, I would be ok with having a day or two of false happiness.

This really freaking sucks!!!!!!!

honeypig

TFM, I feel your frustration. I think the best thing you can do is to take good care of yourself. What do you especially enjoy--movies? reading? a nice dinner out? some time at the beach? a manicure? a yoga class? a long quiet walk on a scenic trail? a new knitting project?

Take some time and treat yourself to something you really, really like. Remember that you are you, and you are good enough as you, on your own. There is no need to compare yourself to the A's new GF (have you met her? do you know that any of this about her being a model and his family loving her is actually really true? She might not even exist!).

And really, your X not treating you fairly about the terms of the house--c'mon, would you really expect that he would? He is an active A, and by definition cannot act in healthy ways. I'm not saying you should give in, just saying that for an unhealthy person to act like an unhealthy person shouldn't be a shock...yet somehow, we do fall into that trap of having "normal" expectations again and again, right?

Altho it feels like all of this is happening "at you", none of it really is. It's just what is happening. And it will pass. In the meantime, do things to show yourself that you're special and you're worth it. I promise that you are.

Katchie

Sorry for all the frustration. Do yourself a favor, in the divorce be good to yourself. Don't give in and harm yourself because you want out so badly. I did that and it's come back to bite me on the butt. I had to escape the burning building! Apparently, according to my attorney, this is very common of women married and divorcing long time alcoholics/addicts. One of her clients is giving up a million dollar pension just to get out and be done. I understand this but with new clarity being away from it all I made some mistakes.

So what if he has a new GF. I feel sorry for her if this is true. All the crap you escaped from will now be hers and she's clueless. She won't be clueless for long, again, if it's even true.

Hugs

TimeForMe

Thanks, you guys.

Thanks, Katchie, I was really thinking about just giving in to this clause. It would cost me over $10k if I agree with him. I am not going to do it.

Honeypig, I know what you're saying about things happening "at" me. I don't believe the universe is out to get me. Teach me a lesson (that I am obviously not getting), yes. Punishing me, no.

One time, we went to Universal Studios or someplace like that. It was an unusually cold and overcast day in April. AH and daughter wanted to go on the river ride, where there are about 8-10 people that sit in a kind of circle raft. I didn't really want to go because I was already cold. But I said ok. At one point, the there is this waterfall coming up that is probably very refreshing on a hot day. The raft starts turning a little as it's going along and as we pass under the waterfall, I am squarely underneath it. I was the only one who got wet, and I am not kidding when I say I was completely soaked. Of course, everyone else thought it was hilarious and I had to walk around cold and wet the rest of the day.

That is what things feel like these days. I am doing things I don't really want to do and ending up cold and wet because of it.

I am going to take a book and go sit by the pool.

Peace and love, all.

honeypig

Yes, yes, yes! Exactly perfect. I wish you all the best in staying out from under the waterfall in the days to come, my friend.

rae145

I MO you have every right to be angry. Go ahead and feel those feelings that's what I'm trying to do

Hayfmr

The first rule of negotiating. Ask for more than you really want. If he wants to change the terms to his favor fire back with a change in something else that's in your favor. Maybe go for the spousal support. Just make sure what your asking for is worth a lot more than what he is asking for. He will likely get the message really quick to play fair.

sauerkraut

Hi TFM,
I'm in similarly frustrating divorce negotiations with my STBXAH, too. I think we have to remind ourselves to take a deep breath, hang in there, and also get help from attorneys, mediators, therapists, etc. I've heard what Katchie says from others--that if we don't stand up and resist their unfair proposals, we may very well live to regret it. P.S. My ex is trying to insist on me taking a $250K cut on my share of the equity in our house and refusing to share the cost of our children's education, and claiming that my insistence on 50/50 is unfair. Sigh. Know that you're not the only one sitting under that cold waterfall . . .

LotusChild

Hey all who speak of crappy divorces and giving in>>
SOme unsolicited advice...DO NOT BE A DOOR MAT...STAND UP FOR WHAT IS FAIR FOR YOU. I am not saying screw the ex over or be vendictive.
I am saying take what is rightfully yours.
I myself -8 years ago- tried to be nice and just get out of it and take major unfair consessions to be done AND the biggest let down of it all is that ...these people are takers...they see that you are willing to bow down and go with the flow to be a good / kind persn and they take advantage. And the biggest "bitc$$" of it is ...they continue to do this for years after.
This happened/is happening to me 10 years after i tried to be nice AND
I watched a good friend/recovering A go through this with his crazy ex as well and in the end after he gave her lots -to save his connection to his kids, she brainwashed them both to leave him in the end anyhow. Very sad.
He is a good man but became a doormat and it almost killed him (2 heart attacks and lots of anxiety attacks).

dandylion

"Offer your hand...and, they will take the arm".......

This is a good thing to remember, in my opinion.....

dandylion

Eauchiche

Dear Time
Your first priority is to take care of yourself. I hope and pray that the divorce happens as quickly and least troublesome as possible, then you can move on.

LeeJane

So true. I found my ex took things just to try and punish me. They don't see you being reasonable as you being nice.

Berrybean

The thing is, feeling angry isn't pleasant. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It just makes things worse for us if we hold onto anger, justified or not, because it spins out feeling bad. (And I'm speaking here as someone who helped onto a number of resentments for 25 years or more and has experienced the sheer relief of finally letting go of them. Justified resentments or not, to think I could have carried those for the rest of my life just makes me feel so appalled now, because while all my focus was on those negative things I missed out on noticing so much good that was around me and in my own life).

Loving the waterfall analogy by the way. I reckon choosing to stay angry would be a bit like refusing a towel and warm clothes once you'd been soaked and are cold and wet.

FeelingGreat

TFM, I started out with intentions to keep everything nice, but at one point had to toughen up. My H and I had no ill will towards each other, but he wasn't straining to be fair, he was moving on with a new lady, and I realised I had to look after myself. Later he calmed down and now things are OK.

Good will is great, but not everything. You two will grow apart rapidly and in a few years he'll mean very little to you, but you'll have had the benefit of the $10,000.