Dreaming123

It's sad. It's pathetic. My life is going no where. I become more depressed everyday. The first thing I think about upon waking up in the morning is, is there any vodka left? And then move on to how I'll get booze for the day. What a sad, sorry excuse for a life. I hate myself and this addiction. It didn't used to be this way. I was a successful, independent woman, and now I'm nothing.

Berrybean

Sorry you're feeling so hopeless.

What are you prepared to do to change things?

CuteNGayYay

Dreaming ..the alcohol is taking away the REAL you. I'm a binge r but during the few days I'm definitely not myself. Especially the days after detoxing. Talk about depressed. I know how that feels. You're worth it. Don't let Vodka control your life. I'm only on day 3 this time but I know how it feels to have a year once. That has been the best year in my last 10 of life. Can you make tomorrow your day 1? And join the July class?

MidnightBlue

Hi, Dreaming.

You are NOT nothing!!! And don't let addiction convince you of that!

You need help. Start today.

Ask yourself "What can I do to change?" Contact a doctor, rehab, support group, post here everyday - for many of us SR was a lifeline and life savor in early recovery and beyond. Fight for your life!

Addiction is NOT you!

Sending you hugs.

Keep posting.

Pixus

Hi dreaming. I've been there too, very recently, in fact Ive been going there every 6 months or so for approximately the last three years. I feel for you and know how desperate that routine is. I hope you'll stick around here. This site is helping me to slowly change my thought processes around my usual pattern, I reckon it will for you too. X

Soberwolf

Great advice already & totally agree your not nothing

Stick with us

On The Road

Hi Dreaming

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Shots of vodka in the morning. Dark depressed thinking and heart pounding anxiety. Sneaking booze throughout the day. Hiding bottles. It was madness.

Now that I quit drinking, that life is gone. Sure I still have some anxiety/depression to deal with, but it's nothing compared with the hell I lived with before.

It takes time and effort, but you too can recover. Stop drinking today and make it you goal to go to bed sober tonight. Repeat tomorrow.....

If I can do this so can you.

marie5465

Hello Dreaming. The others are right, do not think of yourself as nothing. Alcohol loves nothing more than us feeling hopeless. This site will show you that a way out is possible. Look at the thread about sober recovery plans and start thinking about your new sober life. Don't forget alcohol is a depressant and it sounds like you are in a vicious circle. But there is a way out. Don't give up on yourself. Big hugs to you. X

newhope01

I agree with fellow posters, you are indeed better than nothing. This disease convinces us we are worthless but that's not true. Life is so much better sober and I know you have it in you to be sober too.

lunar

You are NOT nothing.

I know the vodka/coffee antics very well.

One day I scrambled to find the leftovers.

There weren't any. It was a long day.

I didn't get more.

The next day was a better day.

DrunkenDonuts

Hi Dreaming. Sorry to hear that you're feeling so low.

I can empathise with your feelings - Making sure you have enough alcohol for the day. Stressing about it. And knowing that it's stupid to be thinking this way.

There are plenty of people who will bring you down in life. Try not to do it to yourself as well.

Stick around and see if the folks here can help you out.

August252015

This was EXACTLY me, the last six months of last year. It is horrible, awful and so lonely. I am so sorry that you are at this point too.

It sounds too simple to say, but you CAN quit. If you do, I PROMISE you that it is so much better on the other side. Not at first, physically -y ou sound like you are drinking a whole lot, like I was- but it IS like people tell you- keep not drinking, keep taking the next step and a whole new life will be on the other side.

It took me too long to muster up the quitting. I got myself so sick that my now liver dr told me quit or die; I would have about 12-18 months at the rate I was going. I am 153 days sober today.

Please reach out to someone and something- AA, another resource close to you - even supervised detox if you need it.

There is so much we can all say here- I really just say you are not alone at all. And you can quit. I so hope you do.

Mountainmanbob

You can put your life back together once you have put the plug in the jug.
Seek help in all the places that it may be found.
I was willing to do anything and everything so as to get and stay sober.
You can also sober up for I was a pathetic drunk.

M-Bob

BlissWithin

I used to drink like that too, it was not uncommon for me to finish a bottle first thing in the morning after waking up. Now I'm almost 16 months without a drink, so, as you see, change is possible. You are not pathetic, like everyone else here you suffer from alcoholism.

U75

On that first morning of day one, it is SO hard to imagine a week much less a month or a year of sobriety. Just like everyone else, I've been there--drinking hard liquor straight from the bottle on a Sunday morning.

Right now, don't think about longevity. Take it one day at a time. Commit to 24 hours, and do what you need to do to see you through for the day, and then make a new commitment tomorrow. The days will start to stack up, and you will begin to notice a difference in yourself. Everyone's different, but with perseverance, everyone who stays commited re-discovers themselves. It may not be the "old you," but it will be a you that is honest and true to yourself. Not the person that alcohol turns you into.

We're all here for you. Let's do this together.

Ken33xx

I did the same thing for almost ten years straight. However, I wasn't nearly as hard on myself.

I needed a few drinks of vodka to get it together before work. I used to buy a can of orange soda, pour out the soda, then pour in the vodka and orange juice.

I'd drink it on the 40 minute train ride to work. Then gargle with mouth wash before entering the work place.*

However, I was also able to return home at noon and sleep it off until I went to work again at 6.

Of course I needed a few drinks before that shift as well.

Never thought that a drink first thing in the morning wasn't a particularly good idea.

And it worked for me.... until it didn't.

The first thing I noticed after getting sober was how much better I felt. Those final years of drinking had me feeling constantly burned out. Never dawned on me that maybe the drinking helped a big part in my physical condition.

Perhaps think about going to an AA meeting. Can't hurt and it's free.

ZenLifter

I'm familiar with the vodka in the morning thing also, Dreaming It's horrible, the insanity of it. Do you think now that you might be ready to give it up? Which seems worse, the idea of a few days of detox, or continuing to live like you are and hate every minute of it for who knows how long?

We're here if you need us. Let us know how you're doing ok?

thomas11

I'll share something I read on this forum that struck a chord with me. If you humanize alcohol (or your AV) and think of it like a "person", and then realize what kind of person it is.

Its thief, a liar, a convicted felon and completely selfish. It doesn't give a crap about you or your job or your pounding headache. It will leave your penniless and in poor health. It just wants what it wants and if destroys you in the process, it could care less. That is NOT the kind of person I want in my life.

When I thought of it that way, it helped. Wish you the best.

Dreaming123

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and well wishes. I never thought I'd find myself in this position, but it's now time to face the reality and make some serious changes.

least

You are not 'nothing', you are worth saving. Make the changes you need to turn your life around. It takes some effort but is so worth it.